220

Real
Posted on May 21, 2014 by David M Willis

220 thoughts on “Real”

  1. March

    …Someone go check on Ruth, because now I have a bad feeling.

    1. Jen Aside

      Where’s the freight elevator in that dorm that we SHOULD check for trucks, Alt-Text

      1. Wack'd

        No, clearly Sal had a wacky electric accident and is now in the body of a truck. Unawares, she tries to sneak back into her room like normal, only to find she’s got the wrong room.

    2. gangler

      Yeah, you don’t fuck around with this sort of shit.

    3. Doctor_Who

      Me too. I have a bad feeling Billie doesn’t get enough water.

      It’s important to stay hydrated, kids.

      1. JustCheetoDust

        If she was drinking American beer, that won’t be a problem.

        1. David

          American beer is like making love in a canoe.

        2. JustCheetoDust

          First time I’ve seen that joke in a while. Classic.

        3. Vibbles

          The harder you go at it, the more likely you are to wind up nauseous, drenched in riverwater and caught naked and sunburned by banjo-playing swamp people?

        4. JustCheetoDust

          I didn’t know that there’s a connection between beer and the Mayor of Dirt getting sodomized in rural Georgia.

        5. Opus the Poet

          Reference to the book and movie Deliverance.

    4. Eishne

      Why are worried? Amazi-girl clearly stated she was okay.

    5. Charlie Spencer

      “Foreshadowing: your clue to quality literature.”

      Berke Breathed

    6. tahrey

      Pretty sure that Ruth Dies In Every Universe, same as Ethan Is Always Gay.

      It just takes its time coming.

  2. EvilPenguin

    guys i think billie might be drunk

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      I wonder how many kegs did she drink to get that way?

    2. Mr K

      I wonder if she has any brain damage from drinking so much.

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        Not sure about the brain damage but her liver might have seen better days.

        1. JustCheetoDust

          That and her kidneys might be racing to see which is needed first, an allograft or dialysis.

      2. JustCheetoDust

        I think you can cancel out liver and brain damage by sobering up at a place like Denny’s. Maybe.

        1. Rabid Rabbit

          That, or you can go talk to Danny. Though that might just drive you to drink more.

      3. Cody B

        What? Brain damage from drinking is a myth.

        1. begbert2

          I would think that would depend on what you do while drunk.

        2. JWLM

          Not true (http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/aa63/aa63.htm.) Although the most horrifying and debilitating alcohol-related brain syndromes are secondary to heavy and prolonged alcohol abuse, some are also primary to heavy drinking.

        3. Annie

          My grandfather had pretty severe alcoholic’s dementia. I can tell you that alcohol causing brain damage is far from a myth.

        4. Jen Aside

          …a TRUE myth??

        5. JWLM

          You win.

    3. Yotomoe

      Billie is a saint, you take that back.

      1. John

        St. Monica, maybe.

        1. Jay Eff

          I’d say she’s more St. Ides than St. Monica, at the moment…

        2. JustCheetoDust

          +1

          And fuck Coors for making commercials with Ice Cube that don’t have him rapping about drinking.

      2. Aizat

        No…Billie is the Demo man.

        1. Plasma Mongoose

          Does that make Sarah the scout then?

        2. Aizat

          Pretty much…and I’m guessing that Dina’s the Spy.

        3. Plasma Mongoose

          For sure!

        4. Dante

          …. would that make Amber the Soldier?

        5. MilkyCoconut

          Engineer, methinks.

        6. Aizat

          And Joyce is the Pyro…or Danny.

        7. Gigafreak

          Amber can fool the entire campus with a paper-thin disguise, and skulks around in the dark to ambush people… yet Dina’s the Spy?

        8. Gigafreak

          Scout: Billie (Athletic and overconfident)
          Soldier: Ruth (Leadership and misguided rage)
          Pyro: Marcie (Goggled and voiceless)*

          Heavy: Joyce (Overly cheerful about terrifying things)
          Demoman: Sal (Hardy, chip on her shoulder, went around with one eye covered in the Walkyverse for a time)
          Engineer: Dina (Vast scientific knowledge, favored companions are neither human nor even alive for that matter)

          Spy: Amber (Slinks about in the dark wearing a mask to ambush people, convincing in a paper-thin disguise)
          Medic: Mike (A sociopath who helps people by hurting them)
          Sniper: Dorothy (Friendly, rational, career-oriented)

          *Also considered for Pyro:
          Jocelyn (Androgynous) and Ethan (Flaming). I’ll apologize for that last one when I stop snickering at it. I’m a bad person.

    4. Wack'd

      In other news, the background color of this site is blue.

      1. Aizat

        In an unrelated news, the sea is wet, the sky is blue, boots to the head hurts and the cow goes “moo”. This has been “No Duh!” News, letting people know the blindingly obvious since 1954.

        1. Roborat

          But, what does the fox say?

        2. JWLM

          The fox said “The grapes were sour.”

        3. Kamino Neko

          ‘It’s all Obama’s fault’.

        4. Wack'd

          “Little princeling, why do you weep?“

    5. newllend

      Noooo, that can’t be she’s supposed to be the innocent religious type, p hold on a second I’m being informed on something, ( wait that’s Joyce not her, then who’s Billie? Oh the alcoholic one OK.) Ya no shit she definitely is how can she not be.

  3. Regalli

    Poor Billie. She really does care.

    Too bad she’s shit at showing it.

    1. The Meek Ninja

      To be honest, Ruth isn’t exactly the best at it either…

      1. Yotomoe

        Let’s be honest, How many people in this comic are?

        1. Plasma Mongoose

          Disfunctional does describe a number of the characters in DoA after all.

        2. KingMabel

          Are these characters sane in any universe?

        3. Plasma Mongoose

          Maybe… 😛

        4. EEWWW

          True story from the mental ward…
          “This is your commitment hearing, do you have any questions for us?”
          “Just one, specifically for Dr. Johan. Dr. Johan, what is a perfectly mentally healthy person?”
          “A perfectly mentally healthy person does not hear voices…”
          *Pst* “Dr. Johan…”
          “A perfectly mentally healthy person does not see things that are not there…”
          *PSST* “Dr. Johan…”
          “A perfectly mentally healthy person does not…
          “DOCTOR JOHAN!… There is no such thing as a perfectly mentally healthy person.”
          “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECTLY MENTALLY HEALTHY PERSON!!!!!”
          Because sometimes, the people who think that they are sane are really characters. I am crazy and I have the paperwork to prove it.

        5. Whatev

          A perfectly mentally healthy person would stop asking me questions!

        6. Jerden

          So my theory that we’re all insane is correct? Great, if I’m normal, I can stop pretending!

        7. WaytoomanyUIDs

          “But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
          “Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
          “How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
          “You must be,” said the Cat, or you wouldn’t have come here.”

        8. JustCheetoDust

          http://www.abum.com/54868/Steve-Buscemi-as-the-Mad-Hatter.html

        9. Roborat

          Well, there are an infinite number of universes, so there has to be at least one where they are sane.

        10. Disloyal Subject

          That only works if sanity exists. Which is infinitely debatable.

        11. Flipz

          DoA stands for “Dysfunctional? oh, ALWAYS”.

        12. Steven

          The number being “All of them”.

        13. Joe

          Dorothy and Walky.
          Assuming Walky’s grown past his “throw toys at girls” stage.

        14. Sam

          Joyce is. SHE SHOWS HER LOVE WITH TRIANGLE SMILES AND HUGS.

      2. Jerden

        They’d make a perfect couple!
        Or the other thing. You know, a terrible couple.

  4. Ridureyu

    I’m imagining Ruth perfectly alive, but in the epicenter of total carnage.

    Sure, Ruth is alive. She’s the only thing that is.

    1. Mr K

      Danny and Dorothy are both dead. Amber:”I panicked for nothing!”

      1. anonymous

        Billie: Haha, she’s alive! Who cares about everyone else!

    2. Wack'd

      You take care of me, Billie. You’ve always taken care of me. My turn.

      1. Aizat

        Are you implying that Ruth is Raiden?

        1. Savail

          Simon, actually. Close.

          Okay, maybe not close at all.

        2. Savail

          I mean River. Wow, how did I mess THAT one up? Not even the same gender.

  5. Mr K

    I wonder if Billie suffers from any mental problems, given that she doesn’t seem to believe Amber is Amazi Girl after hearing her do a perfect impression, and confess.

    1. LimeTH

      She suffers from being plastered out of her friggin’ mind, if that counts.

    2. Yotomoe

      Also she didn’t see Amber do the impression.

      1. David

        Billie’s definitely more drunk than Sal, and Sal is right in the room. The door is open and she’s looking at Amber after the noisy intro.

        Maybe Amber and Sal will check upon Ruth together.

      2. Gigafreak

        So if Amber is using Amazi-Girl’s voice, should Amazi-Girl be tagged for today’s comic, or…?

        1. John

          Nah, that’s not Amazi-Girl. That’s just Amber pretending to be Amazi-Girl. (No, that’s not a “_____ is Amazi-Girl!” joke.)

        2. Sam

          Nah, because it is still her Amber persona.

    3. newllend

      We’ll she is dru- what the hell I’m I doing I went over this yesterday.

    4. Jerden

      Temporary, alcohol related mental problems, widely known as being totally drunk.

  6. Khaner

    You’re going to do something terrible.
    I have a “Damn You Willis” button prepared in advanced.

    1. Doctor_Who

      There’s a button?!

      If not, can we have one added to the site as a stretch goal for the next Kickstarter?

      1. Wack'd

        How much do we have to raise so that when the button is pressed we hear Peter Cullen saying it?

        Probably a lot, right?

        1. Doctor_Who

          If I should ever encounter Peter Cullen at a con, I swear I will get him to say “Damn you Willis” and record it.

        2. Wack'd

          You realize of course I’m going to hold you to that.

        3. Cybersnark

          Someone also has to get Frank Welker.

          Ooh, and Dan Gilvezan.

    2. Plasma Mongoose

      There is a button, it’s next to the Get Out Of My Head Randall button.

      1. Kelly

        Nice

    3. EvergreenFir

      Same…

  7. David Herbert

    And now they’re friends, which is going to make the whole Sal situation awkward.

    1. Yotomoe

      Hey Amber, Have you met my roomate Amazi-girl?

  8. xain

    wow dat alt text just lol

  9. LiaHansen

    Amazi-girl should do PSAs.

    1. Stephen Bierce

      And Knowing Is Impervious To Criticism

    2. Wack'd

      You’re Still Wrong (You Stupid Drunk)

    3. Plasma Mongoose

      “Even wearing a cape doesn’t make you less of a vigilante.”

    4. Aizat

      Hey kids…remember, don’t do the crime…if you can’t take the beatdown.

    5. Jerden

      I concur. Everyone would listen to her, just so that they don’t get hurt!
      I can’t be the only one who regards Amazi-Girl as a role model.

  10. Opus the Poet

    Dawww (hic) Dawwww!

  11. Hoboturtle

    This interaction is gold. Pure fucking gold.

  12. vile_gamer

    Amber could always do some work as a ventriloquist if she gets kicked out for being Amazi-Girl. It might fool only Billy, Danny, or Blaine, but you have to start somewhere!

    1. Yotomoe

      I’m convinced it managed to fool most of the student body.

      1. Wack'd

        Based on Amber complaining that folks know about her bastard dad now, I think we’re meant to think she’s taken pains to ensure very few people have actually been paying attention to her out of costume.

    2. Plasma Mongoose

      Does this mean that Danny if going to experience a pain in the ass in the near future?

  13. Yotomoe

    Good thing I took that Ventriliquey lessons!

    1. AgentKeen

      She’s like Batman, she trains to be the best at everything.
      Including having ‘compartmentalized’ personalities.

      1. KingMabel

        Isn’t Batman “Batman” all the time?

        1. Yotomoe

          Clearly you haven’t met Billionaire Bruce Wayne.

        2. KingMabel

          Bruce Wayne? I invited that guy to a charity auction one time but said he had “important business”. Who has important business at 9 pm?!?

        3. JustCheetoDust

          Vince McMahon on Monday nights?

        4. KingMabel

          +1

        5. Aizat

          Do you really have to ask with guy who is pretty much known as the billionaire playboy?

        6. JustCheetoDust

          Ah, the reboot of Millionaire Bruce Wayne that accounted for decades of inflation.

        7. John

          Bruce Wayne is just Batman in disguise.

  14. Chico

    wow was Amazi-Girl actually in the hallway

    1. Gadgeteer Smashwidget

      hmmm seems likely

      btw I love your avatar, Paranormal is a great webcomic

      1. hoovy_woopeans

        Paranormal is great, but have you read this really cool one called Paranatural? It’s about a kids with ghost powers!

        1. MilkyCoconut

          You mean Danny Phantom?

        2. Gadgeteer Smashwidget

          that’s the one I mean. heh, I got names and words mixed up.

  15. Aslee

    I just stared at this comic in absolute shock for five minutes, and then whispered, “Don’t cry, goddamn it.” These comics come out way too late for me to have appropriate emotional responses. Billie just makes me SO SAD.

    1. Yotomoe

      I’m so sad. So very very Sad.
      *click* *click* *click* *click*
      SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
      SAAAAAAAAAAAAD
      thank you.

      1. AndromedaRage

        It’s not a race, guys!”

      2. Legasher

        You come into the threshold of another starless night of fear
        You’re running from the demons that would drag you down again
        Illusions of the world are spinning out of time and frame and synchronicity
        You’re so sad/You’re such a sad-eyed girl
        You’re so sad/In your subplot

  16. Tacdud2

    I hope this ends well. It wont i know it.

    1. newllend

      Best case scenario Billie and Ruth get drunk, make up and have a make out session in the hall and ask Amber if she wants to join.

    2. Jerden

      Worst case scenario – actually, there’s no point me thinking of one, because it could always be worse.

    3. JWLM

      Best outcome would be that Ruth tells Billie that she wants nothing to do with a drunk. That *might* bottom Billie out; I don’t think that there’s anything which will get her to seriously get the help she desperately needs.

  17. newllend

    Ruth’s going to be OK, as long as someone doesn’t pull any shit Willis I’m looking at you.

  18. Wonder Wig

    *G.I. Joe ending music plays*

  19. Kernanator

    Is it bad that I like the glasses-askew look on Billie?

    1. RobHagen

      No. Askew glasses for all the DoA Ladies!

    2. Plasma Mongoose

      Glasses-askew will never become my Rule 36.

    3. Yotomoe

      This look better not become popular with the youths.

      1. JustCheetoDust

        Watch as someone makes billions from selling glasses designed to not stay on your face properly.

      2. Plasma Mongoose

        They do wear jeggings after all.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLZ8L6SZmaA

    4. Rob Cottingham

      Suddenly I want Willis to introduce a new character named Glasses Askew.

  20. John

    So sad, yet I’m cracking up.

  21. Xerxes93

    I thought the strip from last sunday was the best one so far, but it just got kicked off the top spot by this one.

  22. AgentKeen

    Wait a second, Amazi-Girl isn’t tagged…

  23. Ridureyu

    Hey, weren’t we promised that nobody was gonna die in this comic?

    Or am I just being naive and trusting?

    1. Wack'd

      Don’t worry — nobody dies in this story. They just get really big liver diseases.

      1. Ridureyu

        They just go to another dimension.

        1. KingMabel

          They get imprisoned.

          Or banished.

          Or imprisoned in the place they were banished to.

        2. Wack'd

          Unless they quit being banished, of course.

        3. Deanatay

          Shouldn’t you be…. FRYING something??

        4. mudakthemultiplier

          I see what you did there…

        5. Kelly

          HFIL

  24. JessWitt

    And now I wonder if Bruce Wayne ever relied on his alterego to convince drunk friends into doing stuff.

    1. newllend

      Of course, God knows what happens when Superman’s Drunk of his ass

      1. John

        “… You’re a mean drunk, Superman.”

      2. darkgloomie

        … Superdickery covers?

  25. Heather K

    Dun dun dun….

  26. Ridureyu

    And then Howard shows up.

    “Game of Thrones! Game of… Billie, what happened? Did the lesbian babies make you sick? Who’s that other girl? I’M TELLING RUTH! Oh wow a Game of Throne!”

  27. Wack'd

    Watch out for snakes.

    1. Aizat

      I don’t see any cardboard boxes lying around.

  28. Just Here

    Yeah, we haven’t heard from Ruth in a while. Hmmmm. And maybe Billie is feeling a bit guilty about everything?

    Of course, drinking to escape your problems never helps much, except to add the problem of a hangover to the list.

  29. Idon'tcarenomore

    Damn! Billie you stupid shit. Go to AAA. If you don’t have alcohol poisioning
    and choke to death on your vomit tonight.

    Good on you Amber, you’re doing well so far.

    But, yeah, go check on Ruth.

    1. EvergreenFir

      AAA could help with those trucks…

    2. newllend

      Like we’ve said before all the liquid in her body is 90%,Alcohol she goes down there three times a week so they can study her as the 8th wonder of the world.

      1. newllend

        Ishe goes down to the medical reaserch labs too – God damn me for not spell checking.

      2. Aizat

        8th? I thought Andre the Giant was the 8th wonder of the world.

    3. Yotomoe

      Yes. Go to AAA. Get your Car repaired.

  30. Connnor

    Wait, did we ever find out what was blocking the garbage chute?

    1. Wack'd

      Whatever it was, it wasn’t Ruth, you friggin’ weirdo.

      1. John

        It was the truck. Ruth killed it and stuffed it down there. It was an amazing feat… trucks don’t even need their femurs to live.

    2. Heavensrun

      This is a mad, mad, mad idea, I know, but have you considered the possibility that it may have been -garbage-?

  31. Kiggy

    Wanna bet Sal comes out of the door after Amber leaves an says:

    “Ah heard that voice before.”

    Then shit will really hit the fan…..

    1. Fran

      If that happens, I’ll testify about your calling on it!

  32. Arkadi

    Great, so now Amber is officially Amazi-Girl’s “friend” XD Nothing like the classics!!

    1. Aizat

      So…Amazi-Girl’s Pal, Amber O’Malley?

      1. Arkadi

        Yup. Just like Clark Kent is pals with you-know-who, and Batman occasionally calls up his playboy millionaire friend for backup ^^

  33. explodingbunny

    don’t you joke about trucks and my favorite red-head, bad willis, no.

  34. hurricanemyles

    Over/under on how long it takes for us to know Ruth’s fate?

    I’m thinking either one week or six weeks.

    1. Heavensrun

      She’s fine, Amazi-girl just checked!

  35. TemplarKnight

    No Amazigirl tag. Huh

  36. Ghola

    And now all I can think is that Carla and Ruth hook up.

  37. caesaria82

    lollll last panel cracks me up.

  38. Darwin

    DoA Amazi-Girl: Not -always- picking fights. Sometimes offering anti-hangover advice!

  39. momomelon

    … somebody please do that amber amzi-girl exchange with bruce wayne and batman.

  40. mudakthemultiplier

    Too soon for that hovertext Willis, still too soon.

  41. Willoughby Chase

    Amazi-girl, a new breed of hero, the (Agony) Aunty Hero.

    I’m here all week, try the chopped liver!

  42. Shadow12000

    “go check for trucks” ouch…ride in the feels, Willis…

    1. MilkyCoconut

      I’m confused. Did I miss a big chunk of joyce n walky? Was ruth hit or smth?

      1. Gigafreak

        It’s from all the way back in Roomies. Ruth sacrificed her life ramming a drunk Danny’s car off the road and out of the way of an oncoming truck in the Walkyverse. She didn’t survive hitting the truck herself.

        Yeah, Danny’s responsible for Ruth’s death in that world. It’s why she doesn’t appear again until the scenes in the afterlife.

  43. Pyr05

    Ruth’s totally going to choke on her own vomit.

    1. CianM1301

      Actually, I think Willis said that no-one was going to die in this universe.

      1. Pinja

        So Blaine can only ever be a disappointment to me 🙁

        1. Heavensrun

          Not necessarily. The reason Willis doesn’t want to kill anybody is because the mourning period in strip would last for years of real time, and that’s depressing. I don’t know that anybody would really mourn Blaine.

        2. 3oranges

          Hm. I know we were told nobody gets hit with a truck, but were we also told there will be no jumps so-many-weeks into the future?

        3. timemonkey

          Amber would have difficult to understand emotions…..forever!

        4. anonymous

          Alternatively, Blaine could end up comatose for the rest of his life.

      2. Roborat

        Yes, in THIS universe.

  44. CianM1301

    I don’t even know why Amber’s trying to hide it. Billie’s so drunk, Bruce Wayne could tell her he was Batman and she wouldn’t remember.

    1. Greenygal

      She’s not trying to hide it, but Billie doesn’t believe her, and this is quicker than trying to convince someone who’s nine sheets to the wind that no, really, she is Amazi-Girl.

  45. ZORK

    I like that Amber actually uses her alter-ego to do something good and selfless again. I mean, after she used Amazi-Girl twice to “fix” her past.

  46. Carlos

    Jeez, she’s so hammered, that I have a hang over right now

    1. Gigafreak

      If Billie drinks Ruthless brand beer, we could say she’s getting hammered on Ruthless because she’s not getting nailed by Ruthless.

  47. SilverArrowArtemis

    I like how she’s too drunk to notice it was the same person doing both voices. Also, a Sal in the dark, anyone?

  48. Kennerly

    Where was Billie drinking? I assumed she did all her drinking in her room, but then she wouldn’t have gotten lost out in the hallway…

    1. Just Here

      Unless she got drunk in her room and then wandered off in search of Ruth. Who says that was Ruth’s door she was leaning up against?

      1. JWLM

        There’s a plate on it. We’ve seen that plate before, it identifies Ruth as the RA.

  49. Gigafreak

    Wait, shit, if Sal’s present and awake, she’ll witness (or even just hear) Amazi-Girl being nice to the half-white underage drinker. After trying to assault the half-black one.

    1. Gigafreak

      Well, Sal’s half-white too… How strongly does Billie even identify with her Asian half? Hmm.

      …Point still stands, though.

  50. Sam

    …. seriously, though, someone go check on Ruth.

  51. Charles Phipps

    I wonder if Ruth is like Sean Bean and she’s the girl who dies.

  52. Caravelle

    “Okay yay thanks Amazi-Girl I will”

    Is this the cutest line ever in Dumbing of Age ? I think it might be. Unless you want to tell me Billie is being sarcastic, and she’s clearly not in a state to be sarcastic so no, it is the cutest line ever in Dumbing of Age.

    1. David M Willis

      It is absolutely genuine.

      1. Deanatay

        Billie is almost always pretending to be mature, and intelligent, and sexy, and serious. It’s a shame that she has to get dead drunk before she can be herself.

        1. Deanatay

          Or, hang around Walky for 5 seconds. That seems to do it, too.

        2. John

          Billie is totally sexy what’re you talking about.

          The others I’ll give you.

  53. MrSirk

    Amber could probably make a decent living as a voice actress…..Also this is just adorable!

  54. Rutee

    Still a few sniffles. Billie and Ruth are really good-

    1. David

      When she is drunk, she is really really good, and when she is sober, she’s horrid.

      1. Rutee

        what? Billie is more just ‘irritant – ignore’ if we’re talking about how they’d come off if we had to deal with them.

  55. OmegaDez

    It’s really cool to see Amber interacting more with the “main cast” lately.

  56. maycroft

    This is the best clark-kenting I’ve seen.

  57. apostateCourier

    “go check for trucks” AHAHAHAHAHA you’re terrible.

  58. anonymous

    Future conversation:
    “But you can’t be AmaziGirl! I remember when you had a conversation with her!”
    “You were really drunk…”
    “I SAW HER WITH YOU I SWEAR IT.”
    “…Oookay, then.”

  59. Jadedcynic

    But this IS how you deal with drunk people – you don’t argue with them, you just ‘bend reality’ to let them have their way…but in a safe way. 🙂

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