188

Bulwark
Posted on March 16, 2023 by David M Willis

188 thoughts on “Bulwark”

  1. Ana Chronistic

    …we’re BOTH makin’ up words now, right?

    Joyce (thinking): …do I want clarification about poking the Palpatine??

    1. Rotunda

      Or palpatine the Pokemon…

      1. Pergola

        Palpating the pokemon.

        1. The Wellerman

          My favorite so far. ???

    2. Dara

      dang this is a good storyline for faces 😀

      1. raker

        Panel 5!

    3. Jon S.

      The face beneath the hood. Yo know, Palpatine.

      1. All-Purpose Guru

        OMG

      2. Bicycle Bill

        Thank you.  I was having a hard time figuring out that one too.

      3. Decidedly Orthogonal

        And playing with the dark side of the force.

      4. Opus the Poet

        Just gonna say most women look a hell of a lot better under their hoods than Palpatine did in the silly Ewoks movie.

    4. Stu

      Well, Palpatine usually DID wear a hood over his bald head…

    5. uze

      I have to say it every time I see past strips: it’s insane how much the art has evolved over a decade!

  2. Paradoxius

    Changed your own oil.

    1. The Wellerman

      Tickled your clam.

      1. John Campbell

        Did laundry.

        1. brionl

          Spin Cycle!

        2. Leorale

          Paddled her own canoe

        3. milu

          Touched your tralala

        4. DarkoNeko

          hmmm, her ding ding dong

        5. Theluxland

          Flicked your bean

        6. Lawzlo

          She bop.

        7. milu

          ringed her be-e-ell,
          ringed her bell

        8. Risky

          An hour in bed on TikTok

        9. Andrews

          Twanged her own banjo

      2. True Survivor

        Don’t tickle clams, they beautiful and majestic creatures of the sea. Some can live over four centuries.

        1. Leorale

          And when they get to be that old, they get to be big. I mean real big. I mean humongous!
          Humongous, giant clams.

        2. True Survivor

          My college’s Biology department building – which was my major so I spent a lot of time there – had the shell of giant clam on display. It was beautiful in a tragic sort of way – up close you could see the marks on the exterior where it suffered cuts, these complex patterns of erosion and the calcified remains of coral that had grown on it. It was like a whole reef in miniature. It must have been so majestic when it was alive. I hope it wasn’t harvested for its shell and they just bought on someone found already dead.

        3. Leorale

          ohhh that sounds magnificent.
          Where Arlo Guthrie grew up, I saw a natural history museum that had a huge clamshell in it. Not as big and marvelous-sounding as the one you’re talking about, but I did wonder if it was THE CLAM that inspired the story-song of Reuben Clamso.

        4. DaveM

          Arlo Guthrie for the win!

    2. Danae Jay, Local Gay

      Mysteried your Science Theatre 3000 times

      1. Katherine

        ok this one got me XD

    3. Dave

      Acted with integrity.

    4. Owlmirror

      Tickled the pickle.

      Danced with death (hood +/or petit mort)

      Mortified the flesh.

      Whipped the batter to a froth.

      Washed the marble.

      Sailed the tide.

      Churned the butter.

      Beat the carpet.

      Drove stick solo.

      Sewed the button.

      Made the soup and stirred the pot.

      Washed the purse.

      Put a penny in the purse.

      Put a penny in the purse and won the jackpot.

    5. Owlmirror

      Conversed with oneself.

      Sewed the seam.

      Played pirate.

      Parallel parked the speedboat.

      Shelled the peas.

      Captained the ship.

      Dug up the potato.

      Picked the mushroom.

      Picked the pocket.

      Picked the pickle.

      Pickled the onion.

      1. deliverything

        From an optional action in the somewhat well-known interactive fiction game I-0 (all these preceeded by “Though you spend as much time ” and followed by ” as the next girl, this may not be the right moment.”):
        splittin’ the kitten
        dialing zero
        tickling the elmo
        exploring South America
        in single digits
        ringing for service
        drawing inside the lines
        giving yourself the finger
        diving into the deep end
        taming the lion
        playing solitaire
        running in circles
        stroking the tabby

        (I used the TXD tool to extract these; pretty sure they’re selected randomly in-game.)

        1. Paradoxius

          (Courtesy of Frank Loesser)

          Rang your own bell
          Light your own lamp
          Waved your own banner
          Swung your own gate
          Popped your springs
          Burned your bridge
          Quacked your duck
          Cooked your own goose
          Splashed your dressing

    6. OBBWG

      Is that what you kids are callin’ it these days? Back in my day we did it through two feet o’ snow uphill both ways.

      1. Emperor Norton II

        But you still did it, because by god, it was the right thing to do, and every true ‘Murrican were willing to make this sacrifice for God and Country!

  3. The Wellerman

    Walmart logo? Pika pika?

    Also, LOL ???

  4. shadowcell

    Dumbing of Age Book 13: Because the Walmart Logo Looks Like an Anus

    now available at Walmart!

    1. Opus the Poet

      I LOLed at this one, just not very loud.

  5. bootshivers

    Fully prepared for Joe to be having A Moment at the mental imagery.

  6. True Survivor

    Poking your Palpatine sounds like an unnecessary euphemism for charging your cell phone. UNLIMITED POWER!!!

  7. BBCC

    Amber is the BEST sister but holy shit. Panel 4 made me involuntarily horror shudder.

    1. RassilonTDavros

      Amber is Great

  8. hazel

    Re: alt text, you can’t just say that and not share. Commit to the bit! Apologize to your wife later :p

    1. Dana

      Seconded!

      1. brionl

        At least give a confirmation if somebody guesses it.

    2. Dara

      Third!

    3. Leorale

      give us the horror

    4. brute

      fourthed?

    5. The Wellerman

      fifth!

    6. Keulen

      I also want to know what this euphemism was.

      1. Clif

        Maggie knows best. Or at least that would be my bet.

        1. Mark

          Sometimes it’s more fun to leave something as a mystery.

        2. milu

          especially if the mystery is just gonna make everyone go ew
          i’m fin with that sort of mystery

      2. Azhrei Vep

        I AM DYING TO KNOW. UPSET ME!

    7. Tan

      The world needs to know

  9. Sajuuk-Khar

    The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some would consider to be…unnatural ?

    1. True Survivor

      Ironic. He could save others from [little] death, but not himself.

      I’m sorry.

  10. RacingTurtle

    Joyce, you could have said the entirety of panel 2 *inside* your head

    But then, I suppose, you would not be Joyce

  11. Joe Moose

    To borrow a line from Lovage, you stroked that furry coat. XD

    1. milu

      Wow, i hadn’t thought of Lovage in a minute XD

      Good wholesome fun.

  12. Yotomoe

    Bulwark

    1. milu

      You know what they say: if it warks like a bull,

  13. Stephen Bierce

    And Maggie’s usually right about the upsetting stuff. Hi Maggie!

    1. Stephen Bierce

      By Request: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNUX82Pcz6Q

  14. Warcodered

    You know now that she mentions it the Walmart symbol does look like that….I miss the smiley faces.

    1. Songbird

      I wonder why they changed it in the first place? And who thought that new logo was a good idea; I mean, somebody in that company HAD to have known, right?

  15. RassilonTDavros

    Welp guess I’m never looking at the Walmart logo again for the rest of my life without thinking about that and laughing

    1. Needfuldoer

      Save money. Live better. *

  16. Dana

    Wow, Joyce has been going at it enough to develop an elaborate procedure in so short a time.

  17. newlland(Henryvolt)

    Today’s Reddit post, Mystery Twin: https://www.reddit.com/r/dumbingofage/comments/11sjlw3/dumbing_of_age_headcannon_despite_not_much_being/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

    And this is day 6 of the Greatest Rivals Poll:
    https://www.reddit.com/r/dumbingofage/comments/11ob9xb/greatest_nemesis_type_rivalry_in_doa/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

  18. Mark Sebree

    Check out the Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking.

    1. StClair

      That is such a 20th century reference.

      1. Mark Sebree

        Well, I do turn 59 in a week and a half.

  19. Mr. Random

    I doubt she’s gotten to the Target Self-Checkout.
    Probably more at the… Dover “Bulls “Eye Care.
    There are not a lot of oval logos.

    1. Dana

      There’s got to be some mom-and-pop florists who have orchid logos. Mom-and-Pop situations are less of a solo thing though.

      1. milu

        you’d be surprised.

      2. Mr. Random

        There’s a place called the red orchid theater.

        Feels oddly appropriate given the subject and her choice of venue.

  20. Chaucer59

    And the Target logo DOESN’T look like an anus????

    1. Dana

      It looks more like a nipple, I suppose.

    2. elebenty

      It looks like a Lyme infection.

    3. Thag Simmons

      If your anus looks like the Target logo you should seek medical attention

      1. Opus the Poet

        Take my imaginary upvote!

  21. Alongcameaspider

    I really like Amber and Joyce’s dynamic here and hope we get a lot more of it

    1. FadingMemory

      I’ve been enjoying all the arcs as of late but have admittedly missed Amber’s presence for much of it!

  22. Twig

    …What was the other euphemism

  23. EAG46

    Danced by herself? Rode the Magic Wand? Tickled the kitty? “Performed an elaborate procedure” is a good euphemism too, I have to admit.

    1. Reaver

      Rang the devil’s doorbell, dingdongditched, scratched the evil itch, polished the pearl, went clamdiving, oscar’s her grouch….

  24. Derek

    nobody on this planet says “poked Palpatine” as an euphemism for masturbation, I’ll eat my fucking hat if anyone does.

    1. Leorale

      Amber does. There is a picture of her saying it on this very page.

      1. Derek

        Amber is not a real person

        1. Leorale

          Okay, fine, Willis does. (Or did, in this one comic.)

          Anyway, silliness aside, looks like Willis indeed had Amber make up a new euphemism.

    2. Jamie

      I have no faith in this “Target Self-Checkout” thing either.

      1. zee

        I can at least get the logic of target self checkout. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around “poked your Palpatine”…

        1. Leorale

          I didn’t get it either, til Stu pointed out that Palpatine is a bald man who wears a hood.

    3. anon

      alt text makes me wonder what the others were if there was something more ‘uspetting’ than poked palpatine lol

    4. Boobery

      I am now

    5. huesatlight

      “eating ones own hat”

    6. shoopdawhoop

      I can’t think of anything less conducive to masturbation than an Emperor analogy

  25. Steelbright

    Joke’s on you though Joyce, once (or twice) is never enough

  26. DailyBrad

    Snrrk, very nice, very nice.

  27. anon

    lol i’m surprised she’d say that to joe even as like a euphemism, though be interesting to see joe/amber’s reaction if it was like “dorothy was in the room and we were holding hands til the last couple minutes”

    1. huesatlight

      She’s been less ashamed about private stuff with Joe than with other people. And her talk with Becky helped her with her shame response to horniness. Becky assured her sex didn’t make people wretched. It’s something she knew, but shame isn’t about knowing facts, it’s the emotional response. And that’s what was holding her back. Dorothy didn’t tell/show her anything she couldn’t have gotten elsewhere. Elsewheres that don’t pose a risk of increasing her shame reflex.

      1. anon

        even if you’re able to casually talk it about a friend, i def wouldn’t say it to someone i was interested in or vice versa since it might def be awkward/prolly end up sending unintentional signals or so. Or def more of a power dynamic thing since joyce said she rarely had the ‘upper hand’ or whatever ,so letting someone know she was affected enough by them to need to ‘relieve’ herself would def be something they don’t want to give someone as ammo

  28. Architex

    Hot damn I could listen to Amber list these off all day I’m cracking the hell up over here

    1. newlland(Henryvolt)

      She’s got a million of them.

      1. Architex

        I’m sure of it too! Ammo for days.

  29. Bicycle Bill

    Never realized that there were that many euphemisms out there for female masturbation. The only two I knew of were ‘jilling off’ and ‘playing the slots’.

    1. Uly

      Anything can be a euphemism for anything given the right context and intonation.

      1. Taffy

        “The Secretary General of the United Nations.”
        “Nice.”

        1. Clif

          Maybe, but Dave’s “Act with integrity” is hard to beat in context.

      2. butting

        I just today heard the SNL sketch from January where Aubrey Plaza asked “Is it a crime to want a man who can eat a plum to completion?” in a film noir parody and I may never recover.

        1. Taffy

          I’ve never eaten a plum that didn’t have an absolutely disgusting texture, no matter how ripe and perfect I was assured it was by the nearest Person Who Knows About Plums.

          In other words, the exact opposite of performing oral. Maybe other people’s plums were actually edible, but the euphemism haunts me.

  30. Taffy

    So, she admits he has charms. And that she cranked it before this encounter specifically to mitigate how bad she wants his body.

    1. The Wellerman

      yeah, only a matter of time before they knock boots for real. wonder if the next slipshine will come out same time as last year…

  31. MoreWLessG

    …It DOES look like that. Huh.

  32. Reltzik

    In retrospect, if you want to keep X secret, It would be better to not euphemismicly disclose that you’ve done X, secure in the knowledge that no one will figure out the euphemism, to people who know far more about X than you and have been euphemisming that they’ve been doing X for thousands of times longer than you have.

    1. StClair

      Is there anyone in this comic who is any good at actually keeping secrets? (Dina, maybe.)

      1. DailyBrad

        So far, Asher’s been pretty good at keeping “possible accessory to murder” secret, but also, I don’t know if anyone in the cast actively cares about solving Blaine’s murder, because it’s Blaine.

  33. newlland(Henryvolt)

    “Flick the Bean”

    Is also a good one.

    1. The Wellerman

      ooo love that one.

      How about “operate my coin slot”? XD

    2. Suet

      “Who’s flickling Leslie?’ ?

      1. Emperor Norton II

        Not Robin!

      2. newlland(Henryvolt)

        Oh you mean @LeslieBean4shizzle too me almost a whole day to get what you meant.

  34. huesatlight

    I don’t know if anyone has called it yet, but I think Joe is going to have performance anxiety. He is attracted to her physically, but he hasn’t actually be a tower of libido towards her since he before he fell for her. Maybe I’m just projecting an episode of Taxi onto them, but I can imagine her emotional and physical attraction to him being synched up more than his.

    1. huesatlight

      ugh, multiple typos. “Louie and the Nice Girl” is the episode I’m thinking of.

      1. Puppeteer Nessus

        Here for the Taxi reference.

  35. ADLegend21

    The Target self check out. As a former Target employee, that took me out hahaha

    1. Maveric1984

      My local Target doesn’t have self check out ?

  36. anonymsly

    Amber is occasionally tough for me, but dang if I am not 100% fully on board with Amber and Joyce being friends.

  37. AGV

    Don’t mind Joe, he’s just screaming internally

  38. Dday

    Sailors call it aqua dementia, the deep-down crazies, the wet willies, the screaming moist!

  39. Nevermaker

    WELP I’ll never unsee that: now going to Walmart is gonna be REALLY WEIRD.

  40. Suet

    Sheesh, with all the euphemisms that’s churned out, this feels like a round of— JOE’S 6’3″?!

    Is a laid-back Joyce really an obvious sign that she… blasted the Baja?

  41. Yoder of Kansas

    So bets on if Joyce is lying about knowing all those euphemisms or if she’s telling the truth?

    1. Chris

      I think she had put the context together, but didn’t really understand each individual euphemism.

      1. thejeff

        Yeah, you don’t really have to have known all the euphemisms up front to recognize them when you hear them.

        Especially when it’s in reference to one you just used.

  42. vlademir1

    Amber, all I gotta say is “E Pluribus Anus”.

    Now I’m picturing Dean Pelton as a Walmart greeter…

  43. Carms

    This should all be very encouraging for Joe. Id be encouraged. And also take it a challenge. ‘oh, you hadta’ bulwark’ yourself against my ‘charms’ eh? Oh no I seem to have dropped my pencil over here, how clumsy, oh no it’s rolled under there. Ah good got it, just gotta streeeetch that out now mm yea’

  44. elebenty

    Panel 4 is my new favorite Amber face.

  45. Acher4

    What a glorious day 😛
    I learned so many new euphemisms today… from the comic and the comments!

    But seriously!
    Poking your Palpatine? rofl

    1. Zaxares

      Yeah, if I was a girl, I’d cringe at the thought of calling it my Palpatine. XD

  46. Amós Batista

    …
    Amber will replace Mike and will chaperone Joyce, won’t she?

    1. Masumi

      Maybe reverse chaperone

  47. Nono

    Also Amber’s said she’s 5’3″ in one strip, so Joe is a whole foot taller than his sister.

  48. Steamweed

    Some good titles!
    “Man-shaped tower of libido”
    “I have performed an elaborate procedure to bulwark me against your charms”

  49. Queezle

    I wonder how Joe feels about this conversation

    1. Queezle

      Okay let’s roll the Gravatar roulette one more time

  50. Sombrero

    I still miss Mike from time to time, but on the other hand his loss is allowing new great things into DoA, like this delicious Amber 2.0.

  51. DarkoNeko

    the hubris of panel 2, tho

  52. ValdVin

    Can we adapt the term “quantum of solace” to Joyce’s situation?

  53. Yeet

    I don’t think describing someone as a 6’3 man-shaped tower of libido sounds like your desires are very bulwarked, joyce
    poorly concealed, maybe

    1. vulcanodon

      I’m the most clueless dude on the planet, and even I would have picked up on that

  54. Plaaaa

    She cast her body into the cragged shame pits of the lustwolves.

  55. Furie

    Can Joe, being Joe, hear this?

  56. Skeptible

    If paddling your canoe was the solution, was Joe the core problem?

  57. bagge

    She caught the gyrados?

    1. RowenMorland

      I think that’s moved into euphemisms for phallic stuff. Rather than hand shandy.

      1. GholaHalleck

        Amie’ed the Cloyster.

    2. Rose by Any Other Name

      More like the Cloyster…

      1. bagge

        Hang on I gotta google something real quick…

        Yeah, cloyster is way better

  58. zee

    I’m just dying to see Joe’s reaction to hearing that Joyce is definitely so attracted to him she had to masturbate before seeing him

  59. UnDrewsual

    Does no one say “pet the kitten” anymore?

    1. Opus the Poet

      I haven’t heard that one in ages.

  60. Dot

    so what’s dorothy up to

  61. Nathan

    Willis can you tell us the “upsetting” one in the comments?

    1. Adept

      Don’t leave us hanging

      1. HoopsieDaisy

        I think that’s exactly Willis’ style, though. Expect to be left hanging, ha.

  62. Borg

    I would argue that every successive euphemism used in short succession is worse than the last due to the stringing together, independent of the euphemism’s own merits, and thus a fifth euphemism is by definition very upsetting.

  63. Leadsynth

    “walk to biology together”

    Oh, so that’s what the kids are calling it these days?

    “take the scenic route”

    Oh, you want to dress up? Kinky.

  64. Alan in DC

    There’s a 1950s kiddie TV show reference that also sorks well:
    “Plunk Your Magic Twanger, Froggy!” (Google it)

    As for the rest, there is a massive Walmart here in Williamsburg Va, and I am never going to un-see that. Thanks Amber.

    1. Daibhid C

      …Okay, but that’s got to be an intentional spoof, right? Like when everyone was saying there was an episode of the seventies UK kids’ show Rainbow that had them all talking about “plucking their twangers” and “playing with a friend’s balls”, and it turned out they’d actually done it for an ITV Christmas party and it was never intended for broadcast in any timeslot. It’s like that, right?

      Right?

      1. Alan in DC

        This was in the 1950s and yes, it was an actual part of the broadcast. Most likely it was an inside joke with the production crew, but Froggy used to appear with a prominent “boing-ng” sound effect. A cool bit for the kids, and no doubt a fun wink-wink to the parents dropping in to see wgat was on TV.

        Google “Andy’s Gang” and watch an archival video.

  65. Daibhid C

    To paraphrase Turk Turkleton “Are you talking about … downtown Joyce Brown?”

  66. Shawn L.

    Given how frustrating using the non-metaphorical version can be, any sex euphemism involving the phrase “self checkout” is a buzzkill.

  67. eskimolos

    Idk mang, being a female with innie reproductive organs and everything, I don’t personally think I’ve felt uninterested in sex after using the target self checkout. I can’t genuinely imagine it being a bulwark against finding someone attractive, indeed at least as far as I’m aware it tends to make everyone a lot -more- attractive. Like, you’ve stimulated one area yes, but what about another? Things happened on a place, what about in a place? And vice versa.

    1. Rose by Any Other Name

      Yeah, I don’t follow the logic either.
      Also, according to science (or at least Sexplanations), Jilling off regularly makes sex with a partner feel better. So yeah, both Dorothy and Joyce thinking an orgasm would make Joyce less likely to fuck Joe means that neither of them did their research because the exact opposite is true.

    2. huesatlight

      Dorothy is not as knowledgeable as she thinks, and sometimes she accidentally misinforms people or gives them bad advice. Dumbing of Age includes Dorothy.

  68. Ray

    This means nothing of how the narrative will turn out, but it’s been entertaining to watch Joe and Joyce have an approximate dynamic I know has lead into around 10 years of what’s evolved to biguys marriage (transition).

  69. Carms

    I would also like the share that the Japanese word for masturbation (自慰) literally translates as ‘self consolation’ 😀
    Well one of the words. As you may well imagine, there are several.

  70. bwooom

    oh hey im finally caught up after 11 days straight of mainlining this comic 🙂 so glad to be here for joyce trying to avoid talking about jacking off

    1. RassilonTDavros

      I’m a little late, but welcome!

  71. David Alexander McDonald

    She buttered her muffin.

  72. tunasammich

    *Sees a new comic well before 10pm*

    Shit, did Daylight Savings Time happen?

    Sincerely,

    an Arizonan

  73. Lysbeth

    Dumbing of Age book 13: For even though you are a 6’3″ man-shaped tower of libido, I have performed an elaborate procedure to bulwark me against your charms

    Or, alternatively: you poked your palpatine

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