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The Dumbing of Age Book 6 Kickstarter
has hit $55K, which means the last of the originally-forecast stretch goals has been hit, and we’ve got Jacob and Joe magnets. There’s new pledge tiers for Jacob, for Joe, and for Jacob and Joe together! Remember, you can do a PICK THREE MAGNETS tier if you’ve got a double-magnet tier and would like to add one of them, and also if you’ve got a COMPLETE MAGNET POWER thing going on, these guys are added to your pile.
Which makes it… twelve magnets total, I believe! That’s how many we did last year, but I might throw on a lucky thirteenth in the final week, just to say WE DID MORE. It’ll be a repeat character (in a new look, of course) from previous years, and I’ve put a poll up on Twitter to see where the demand is: https://twitter.com/damnyouwillis/status/854436651812233216
UPDATE: OH AND I ADDED A “PICK FIVE MAGNETS” PLEDGE TIER. (you will actually receive six magnets, since Becky is free) BUT HEY IF YOU WANT MORE THAN THREE (four) MAGNETS, THIS IS YOUR DEAL
367 thoughts on “Do I”
Ana Chronistic
“I WILL PROTECT ME, WITH FISTS AND ASS-KICKEN, YOU SEXIST CHAUVINIST”
butts
PREPARE FOR BUTT WHOOPIN’
*ass kicken
(haha kill my lonely)
TachyonCode
Because of “fists”, and “chauvinist” in the next line, I read “ass-kicken” as “fried chicken”.
Mild dyslexia is cool.
adam3w
I read “ass-chicken.”
SgtWadeyWilson
Not fists, one fist… multiple times. Also, I remember mention of a spoon… Joyce can be pretty scary.
Passchendaele
“CHEESE IT, I STILL HAVE A SPARE WRIST, I CAN FIGHT.”
Mr. Mendo
Does…does Becky not know how enfranchisement works?
Cerberus
Well, she did lose literally everything she owned or was a part of when she came out except for the clothes on her back and her best friend.
It’s the difference between having the right to do something and having any form of access to actually exercise that right.
butts
In other words, what’s happening to early voting and abortions.
(haha, politics)
Cerberus
Yup. Or hell, to voting in general now thanks to the abolishment of the Voting Rights Act and the open attempts to mass disenfranchise voters or otherwise corrupt free and fair elections.
I feel like in America, we’re very quickly learning that rights without access to actually using said rights aren’t actually rights at all.
Leorale
To Becky, Leslie is a living, breathing version of the It Gets Better Project.
BBCC
Hopefully minus the biphobia?
Leorale
Huh, it was biphobic? That’s uncomfortable. I’m bi and didn’t know that, I was in my mid 20s and liked watching the videos when I was hella depressed, even though they were meant for at-risk youth instead.
butts
I think that’s in reference to the Dan Savage thing. I haven’t heard anything specific about biphobia linked to the project itself, although admittedly I’m far from an expert on the subject
LeslieBean4Shizzle
I’m just going to pop in to say that, for a horrible moment, I thought everyone was talking about Fred Savage. I was like “Fred Savage is biphobic?! No!” Freaked me out for a second. Anyway, never heard of this Dan guy. Sounds like I should keep it that way.
BBCC
Dan Savage is, dunno about the individual videos. If it helped you out, more power to you.
Leorale
He was biphobic like a decade ago, but cleaned it up imo. I’m out of date, though, as I haven’t really been reading/listening to him since I discovered Captain Awkward. I like Captain Awkward the most.
Leorale
…..either that or I have really rose-coloured glasses. That is also totally possible, particularly since some of his ideas were really positive pieces of my development.
I think I will spare myself from going back to check.
BBCC
Hey, if those particular pieces helped, they helped. If he’s spouting bullshit you didn’t know about, that’s on him. You didn’t know about it. And now you do!
Cerberus
What BBCC said. Problematic people make great works that deeply touch folks all the time and it doesn’t take away from those works or those positive feelings that the creator is awful.
Rosemary’s Baby is a great film even though it was made by a rapist. And those like you helped by his columns are still helped regardless of his shitty views on other groups.
Leorale
And knowing is half the battle!
(The other half is punching congresspeople.)
Thank you for educating me in these wee hours, sleep well!
Cerberus
And the acephobia* and the transphobia and the misogyny and the fatphobia and the shitty attitudes towards consent and the…
Like I think there are key aspects of the It Gets Better campaign that are super useful and important and that help young kids hold on through really awful shitty times, but Dan Savage himself is a goddamn mess that does so much fucking harm it’s not even funny.
*Seriously, this is the one that pisses me off because he was considered the sex guru for awhile and he keeps on shitting on the ace community in really awful horrifying ways like stating that if we date allo partners we’re committing abuse against them by denying them their sexuality, that if we don’t date each other that we deserve physical assault and rape, that we are just making up our identities because we’re bored and want some of that sweet oppression and dismissal, that we are broken and lying and some good sex will cure us and make us “normal” again.
So yeah, love It Gets Better, loathe Dan Savage with the fury of a thousand purple, black, grey, and white suns.
derwith
It doesn’t change anything, but he doesn’t share or promote those views anymore. He has apologized and has been very ace, trans, and bi supporting recently. Not that it makes it magically better, but it’s good for the people to are currently turning to him for advice.
Cerberus
See my link below. He’s still selling the “if you ace folks don’t just date ace folks*, you should ‘take one for the team'” shit as recently as February of this year.
He keeps apologizing but he keeps repeatedly fucking up in the same exact ways.
*He’s really concerned that we’re “hurting” folks by dating allo folks and really big on us dating each other or no one though he’ll pay tiny pieces of lip service now and then to the idea that an ace/allo relationship could theoretically work. It’s frequently condescending at best and horrifyingly offensive at worst.
BBCC
Ahhhhh “with-holding sex is abuse” an oldie and a baddie!
Seriously, fuck that noise. If it’s about withholding affection or trying to ‘punish’ your partner, just fucking say that and don’t bleat about how people are abusive for ‘withholding’ fucking.
Cerberus
A lot of his issues as a sex columnist stems from his weird idea that denying someone an orgasm is a wrong greater than or equal to pressuring someone into sex they are not enthusiastically consenting to.
When that intersects with ace stuff, it can go in even more horrible and harmful directions that worsen the already strong cultural normalization of pressuring ace folks into having sex to “prove their love” or “fix them”.
BBCC
I’ve seen that particular bit of bullshit come up in abuse symptoms too. Ugh.
Cerberus
“If you loved me, you’d show it” (euphemism intended) is some of the most dreaded lines for romantic aces, cause we get it so often, sometimes way more explicit on the “it” we’re expected to “show” and it’s always just an awful experience when it happens.
I’ve been fairly lucky that all my major partners have been super respectful of my boundaries and big on communication about relationship structures, but I’ve had to do the intervene and comfort thing before when one of my ace mentee’s partners did that shit in public.
thejeff
And frankly, it’s pretty damned lousy for any relationship, ace or not. Especially for teen romances, where that narrative still runs deep, if not as strong as in my youth.
Whether they’re ace or not, someone who doesn’t want sex with you, even if it’s just “not yet”, doesn’t need to be pushed.
Miri
😮 Nobody should ever *ever* be made to feel that they owe somebody else sex. And even if somebody may potentially enjoy sex under some circumstances but has their doubts – that’s hella more likely to happen if it is their decision, they feel comfortable and safe, they know they can stop what’s happening at any time…
You wanna convince an ace person to enjoy sex (or anybody that they might enjoy sex with you or somebody like you)? Literally the absolute worst way I can imagine to achieve that is by pressurising/forcing them.
Even saying ‘I won’t pressurise you at all, if we do it’s your decision, but I hope we do’ shows a bit of a fundamental misunderstanding about who the person they are with IS – but people want to be in relationships they should respect the people they are in relationships with!
Not ace, but have health conditions and a toddler who insists on being rocked to sleep by me most nights (doesn’t sleep through, fights bedtime…) plus work full time so spend much of my life exhausted and in pain. Love the husband but he accepts that this means that we have the opportunity less frequently than ideal and sometimes I am way WAY too tired to want to do anything other than use an early night to sleep. He isn’t convinced I can physically cope if we have a second, and when he’s been tipsy he has grumped about it – being a bit annoyed while accepting it and not arguing with it – and it doesn’t affect how he feels about us… But yeah, part of the reason I am with him is because I know I can trust him and he makes me feel safe, respected and loved. And unfortunately his attitude is not universal and that upsets me and makes me feel as punchy as Joyce is in today’s strip (love protective Joyce) 🙁 But standing up and calling an abusive partner/rapist what they are and making it clear that this is not normal or acceptable is the only way that things will change…
Elisto
Also, I don’t understand his “reasoning” because it’s not like asexual people are forcing allosexual people into relationships with them. If a given relationship’s not going to work, it’s not going to work, but if all involved find a way to make it work, then they’ve made it work and why does he care? He talks like he’s protecting allosexual people, but they have agency and are free to stay or leave as they want….
Cerberus
Yeah, that part is super gross cause it reminds me a lot of those gross concern troll articles about trans folks and how to “protect” cis people who may date them. Same infantilization of the “protected group” that actually holds more social power where it’s presumed they don’t have agency and same demonization of the out group that is actually marginalized where them just happening to date people is couched as some sort of violence or threat requiring violent or angry response.
BBCC
I realize this wasn’t there when you said it, but since it is now – check the link Cerb sent below. These are not ‘old views he doesn’t share anymore’. It’s stuff he said two months ago. He’s a rat.
Leorale
Fair enough. I tend to think of him as the DADT of advice columnists: an important middle step that we’ve completely outgrown–wait, what? He advocated raping ace people?! Dafuck??!
I guess that must’ve been after I stopped reading, and you’re making me very thankful to have done so.
Cerberus
He’s big on the “take one for the team” philosophy and one of the bugaboos he keeps on cycling back to is the idea that if an ace person doesn’t date other ace people, then they should stretch and stretch their comfort levels and “take one for the team” regularly so as not to “harm” one’s partner by denying them sex and he’s been on that kick since at least 2003.
It’s gotten pretty bad at times and it’s something he still circles back to over and over again no matter how many times the ace community goes “what the fuck” at him and tries to educate him.
Like, hell, this was 2 months ago:
http://www.eastbayexpress.com/oakland/dan-savage-should-asexuals-take-one-for-the-team/Content?oid=5110033
Like, that’s not even close to the worst of it, but it’s still… after over a decade of people carefully educating a supposed expert on sex and sexuality on the basics of consent and asexuality, a sign that he’s very committed to being a jackass on this.
Leorale
I think I need to go educate myself on asexuality, because I don’t understand why an ace person would want a monogamous relationship with an allo person, that sounds really awful for the ace person? Dating each other does sound like a far better idea to me on its surface, or open relationships that work for everyone…. bc woah yes people should not have to have sex that they don’t want, that’s obviously not cool.
BBCC
http://blenderbender1811.tumblr.com/post/158123832920/inclusionist-masterpost
http://blenderbender1811.tumblr.com/post/155439875225/the-aphobia-masterpost
Resource bomb!
BBCC
I dropped a couple links to resource filled posts, they’ll be out of moderation soon, I hope.
Cerberus
Well, I mean you fall in love with who you fall in love with and statistically, you’re more likely to meet and connect with allo folks given how much more of the population they are.
Like, poly relationships are pretty common and certainly the dynamic that works best for me (it’s a lot less stressful for me and reduces a lot of the cultural pressure), but there’s some mono ace/allo relationships. How they can work can greatly vary.
There’s the fact that some ace folks are grey-ace or demi and experience conditional sexual attraction or intermittent sexual attraction. There’s the fact that some asexuals have sex for their own reasons. There’s the fact that some allo people are okay with a low or absent sex life or engaging only in activities the ace person is okay with (such as kink) or find the romantic parts of a relationship the more fulfilling aspect.
And like sometimes it does all fall apart because of sexual incompatibility and that’s just how it goes. But where things get ugly is this cultural entitlement that a relationship must equal sex and sexual attraction and that is owed to a partner or that a lack of sexual attraction is a statement on the worth of the partner. As this often leads to a lot of cultural and interpersonal pressure often on the ace person to “compromise” or “take one for the team” for the other’s needs and it’s a large reason why the sexual assault numbers against asexuals are so high among asexuals of all gender and why we’re frequently the target of corrective rape.
TW: sexual assault
My own rape came shortly after I told the individual in question I was ace and I’ve been heavily creeped on and sexually assaulted before after mentioning I’m ace because some fucks see that as a challenge or a direct attack on them that needs to be “made right”.
And that’s what frequently makes his advice ugly. Because he takes what could be good advice “have a frank and open conversation about relationship structure that includes sexual needs and figuring out the incompatibilities” and turns it frequently into this “grr, ace people date your own and stop hurting us by falling in love with us” crap and this “pressuring is totally okay because they’re totes cockblocking you” nonsense.
And that’s the stuff that tells allo partners of ace folks that it’s okay to pressure them into sex they’re not 100% sure about and ace folks that they are broken and should expect to make “sacrifices” to make an ace/allo relationship work (where in reality, mismatches are not the end of the world and it’s okay for a relationship to end without it being a grand condemnation on the folly of ace people falling in love with allo people).
Honestly, it all bothers me a lot because it doesn’t get a lot of attention but any frank conversation with ace folks reveals just how ubiquitous this shit is (like seriously, I may eventually just do the study myself cause we desperately need real numbers to this because informally I don’t think I’ve met a single romantic ace person who hasn’t either been assaulted or had to deal with some aggressive pressuring).
Krys Brynhildr
@Cerb:
See, I’m basically totally in the closet about ace stuff in person, even though I’m pretty sure I’m some sort of demi in that regard…and am basically that exception you haven’t met, well with a few conditionals I guess.
Those being that I’m a super standoffish person behaviorally, shy I guess really but in a way I’m pretty sure pushes people away generally. I’m pretty plain except for being thin and weirdly lanky as well. The only date I’ve ever been on was a religion sponsored group date where my randomly assigned date immediately went to hang out with the person they actually liked. I also tend to avoid most places that are billed as being places to “meet people” (which in this town are just bars).
So, yeah usually at best I make friends with a few people because I try to be a nice person, but noone is actually “interested” in me, and the few I might potentially be ‘maybe interested in trying to see if that sort of relationship even would work for me’ towards, well I chicken out of trying because I worry about whats “expected” in that sort of relationship and get too easily jealous to consider any sort of poly relationship of that sort.
Cerberus
I’m very glad that you haven’t gone through the awful stuff. *appropriate gesture of support*
Krys Brynhildr
Me too. Its kind of depressing that other people have though. Also terrifying, but that doesn’t really shift my mild paranoia beyond where it already was anyways.
Sorry you did have to go through awful stuff I can’t even imagine how bad it was. *appropriate gesture of support*
Leorale
BBCC & Cerb — that is very generous of each of you to share. Cerberus’s comment is very illuminating indeed, and BBCC I’ll follow those links for sure when they come out of moderation. Thank you again for taking the time and energy to help educate us.
BBCC
I hope they are helpful! Many of them are tumblr posts, but some of them are newspaper articles or scholarly studies. Godspeed!
Elisto
Apparently he’s also said if we don’t want sex, we can just “stay home and do nothing” with regards to Pride, as if Pride is all about sex, and being pressured by society into heteronormative sex/relationships isn’t a commonality between being asexual and the rest of the LGBT community. I know not everyone feels comfortable with whether the A belongs in LGBTQIA, and I’m not even sure I personally feel part of it, but outright telling people “you can stay home and do nothing” is super-awful to me.
Krys Brynhildr
I’m not sure how well I can argue against that…since “stay home and do nothing” is my general approach to free time when it comes to life in general, but with it being in the context of helping out with the movement or community, yeah that doesn’t sound right. I mean Pride if nothing else is still a place where as far as I know even heteronormatives offering support for the LGBT community are generally appreciated, even if they’re just trying to support a specific friend or family member who are part of the LGBT community. Denying asexuals even that much contribution with that in mind seems yeah, exceptionally horrible.
That said, honestly its starting to sound like this guy’s overall mindset isn’t that different than the “stereotypical bro” who tries to bill happiness and personal well being as “how often you get laid” and tells women they’re depressed because of that or whatever.
Cerberus
Elisto- Yeah, it’s super shitty. Like ace people are totally free to have their own opinions about their connection to the general queer movement, but to try and argue we’re not part of it when many of us have faced homophobic and acephobic violence for not being straight is pretty super shitty.
Krys- Honestly, that’s a fair summary of him in my opinion. And it clouds parts of his advice that could otherwise be decent.
StClair
I got tired of his “if you’re not giving your partner what they want, you’re the problem” a while back.
Reg Robson
Forgive me for doing that stereotypical privilege thing and asking the minority to educate me, but what should the advice be for allos that are in relationships with ace people? Having sex with our romantic partners is kinda intrinsic to a lot of our identities. Maybe it doesn’t have to be that way, but it certainly is asking a lot of a partner to forgo romantic sex completely. So how should a person who but craves a sexual romance behave? For that matter how should the ace partner behave?
Torra
I think literally the best thing to do would be to talk to the ace about it and go from there. I think I’m ace, or at least some shade of it, and I would be 100% OK with talking about our respective views on sex and where to go from there. All aces are different and you either figure something out or you don’t, if worst comes to worst then you both can move onto different partners that can give you each what you want. The worst thing to do is to put pressure on and assume that sex is a given in a romantic relationship with an ace, at the end of the day if an ace person says “I don’t ever want sex, its not going to happen” then that’s that.
tl;dr : literally just talk to your ace partner about it and go from there.
ObiKemnebi
Same thing you do any time there’s a difference between what you each want that affects both of you. You sit down and you have a serious discussing about what you want, what you don’t want, how important it is to you, and how you can help each other be as comfortable as possible.
Cerberus
What the others said, talk it out. Treat them like the equal partner they are and have an open non-pressuring conversation about relationship structure and what each of you envision that looking like.
Basically, it’s the same thing you already do with potential partners. Like most folks talk out with prospective dating partners where they like to go on dates, what their schedules look like, are there any allergies or foods you can’t have if you’re cooking for them, what is and isn’t sexually fulfilling to your partner and what they do and don’t consent to, do they have pet allergies, do they have existing kids, etc…
So, just adding a frank and (this part is super important) non-pressuring conversation about sex and the relationship is important. So not saying, well, a relationship means XYZ sex activities but more “I tend to like this sorts of stuff, what do you have experience/like/feel comfortable with” and listen to them and what their boundaries are.
If it’s incompatible, it’s incompatible just as it would if you were looking for different things from a relationship or if you have a beloved pet and they have an allergy to that type of pet and you can go from there figuring out how to handle that or walking away.
If not, you do with that info the same as you would any of these other questions.
And speaking only for myself as an asexual who does have sex, a lack of pressure is key for me feeling safe enough to have sex. Like, I don’t get direct pleasure out of activities, so for me what makes it worthwhile is the emotional fulfillment of my partner and the intellectual satisfaction of creating a pleasurable experience.
But that means I have to a) love, trust, and want to make happy my partner and b) feel safe enough that this is something I have chosen freely to do rather than something I was pressured into doing because it was “due”.
This last part frequently is an important thing not only for other asexuals who have sex, but people in general. It is fairly rare outside of service scenes for someone to gain much pleasure out of feeling obliged to do a sexual task as the pricetag of a relationship.
trlkly
I admit, I didn’t know about the bi-/ace-/etc phobia.
I would like to argue that, based on what I’ve seen, the actual project doesn’t actually seem to promote those things. Even if the guy who started it has problems, it doesn’t mean he controls it with his beliefs. I’ve at the very least seen some pro-bi stuff.
I also would say that, if he’s getting better, that’s cause for celebration. Not to say that you can’t be upset about the bad stuff. But, if he’s headed the right direction, maybe he’ll get over this apparently personal issue he has with sex.
I’m gonna guess that it’s personal for him–that he had a partner who withheld sex as a form of punishment. Or, at the very least, he was socialized to think sex was bad and thus has run the other direction entirely.
But, even if he is just a jerk, I still say that the movement he started (but doesn’t in any way control) is still a good thing.
BBCC
He’s not getting better. See above.
Cerberus
I like the It Gets Better Project. Others have their critiques about it, but I feel it fulfills an important role in reducing the amount of queer kids who kill themselves and that means everything to me.
I dunno, I tend to find compartmentalization easy (maybe it’s a DID thing, I dunno), so it’s easy to like that program and think it’s amazing while absolutely loathing the man who created it for all the pain and harm he has caused communities I belong to.
Leorale
Not necessarily a DID thing, it could just as well be that you’re fine with recognizing that things can have great aspects and awful aspects at the same time, as they so often do.
It’s the opposite of black-and-white thinking.
ischemgeek
I disliked the It Gets Better project as it rolled out in Canada, because they spent a whole lot of money on commercials at prime time to patronizingly pat queer kids on the head and tell them – with absolutely nothing to back it up in the commercial – that it gets better, and nothing at all on anything that would actually help the queer kids where they were. As it manifested in Canada, it was yet another half-assed anti-bullying campaign that’s long on platitude and short on action.
Admittedly, that might not be what it was elsewhere, but that was my experience with it. I genuinely needed something that a well-executed campaign of that sort could’ve offered at the time, and this thing came out and everyone was all, “SO INSPIRATIONAL!!1!” about it and it just left me cold.
ischemgeek
Being technically allowed under the law to own property and being able to own property are two different things. I think Becky is referring to the latter.
Emperor Daniel
Joyce needs to get a sweet cybernetic hand. Then she won’t have to worry about spraining her wrist anymore.
Doctor_Who
Seems a big overkill to replace the whole appendage, but Gaige from Borderlands got a sweet robot arm when she just cut her hand, so I guess it works.
Tacos
Who wouldn’t want to replace their puny flesh appendage with a Death Laser? Seems like the logical thing to do.
Yet Another Laura H
I wouldn’t! I am awfully absent-minded, and have an itchy nose.
foamy
Some kind of armoured gauntlet would do as well, surely. And ladies always look classy as hell decked out in plate armour, to boot. It’s like formal dress, except for ass-kicking.
Rukduk
Female paladins in functional partial plate (no cleavage boob-plates) over chainmail…… I’m sorry I got lost in my ideal version of a high medieval fantasy world where were we?
Dark
In high fantasy, there’s no such thing as functional armor. It’s either incredibly skimpy or ludicrously large.
Sorry, I don’t make the rules. I just point them out.
Dark
Also, damnit. I should have said stupendously, not incredibly.
Krys Brynhildr
See, I’m more of a fan of the whole biker outfit style Sal has, except with armored plating and gauntlets.
I blame Japanese Transforming Heroes for that.
AGV
Someone give her info about the Speedwagon’s Foundation, it might come in handy
Krys Brynhildr
Nah, I’m pretty sure they just help Joestars.
Unless thats really an actual real Foundation as well which would be a super awesome coincidence while simultaneously making me look like an idiot for assuming JoJo references.
Krys Brynhildr
Oh wait, yeah, cybernetic hands, duh. Forgot what this particular post thread was about. Xp
Probably a better source than evil organizations that might be Nazis who make people into super cyborgs regardless.
Dark
I mean, it clearly worked out for Clinton. Can’t see how it would go wrong for her.
ValdVin
Had hoped someone would mention Clinton! My mind went straight there also.
Dark
Was actually wondering if anyone else would get the reference or not. High five.
Sunny
Don’t you think Carla could build her something? Possibly involving pie.
Kris