169

Guard
Posted on July 1, 2014 by David M Willis

169 thoughts on “Guard”

  1. An Average Loser

    . . . Okay then.

    1. Jen Aside

      Joyce is not pleased with the absence of Ethan-tushie

      1. JessWitt

        As am I.

      2. Leorale

        Apparently, it’s magnificent! http://www.shortpacked.com/index.php?id=480

      3. Kennerly

        Ethan’s tushie is not pleased with the absense of penis.

        1. maxyai

          The whiteboard is not pleased with the absence of crudely-drawn peni.(the plural of penis)

        2. Kryss LaBryn

          To get a plural of penii, shouldn’t the singular be penus?

        3. 3oranges

          Looking it up, “penus” means provisions, and seems to be its own plural.

        4. Rorror

          The difference is that in the singular the u is short, in the plural the u is long.

        5. Mal

          The actual plural is penes, or penises.

          Don’t ask me why I know this. Okay, fine, it’s a birth defect.

          (not really)

  2. Mr. Random

    I want to see. I want to seeeeeeeeeeee.

    1. Mr. Random

      EVERYTHING.

      1. Mr. Random

        Every Mike drawing and every Cat Video.

        1. Mr. Random

          EVERYYYYYYTHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING, YEEEEEEEES.

        2. Mr. Random

          Yes! Everything!

        3. Mr. Random

          Everything!

        4. Mr. Random

          EVERYTHING!!!

  3. Doctor_Who

    Panel 2: Joyce’s first handjob.

    She’ll be sucking like a billion dicks in no time.

    1. Jen Aside

      ahahahahah this

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        But Joyce is a good Christian girl, so maybe a thousand dicks tops. 😛

        1. xKiv

          And 999999 thousand bottoms.

      2. Van Dyne

        Damn, I was about to make a joke about how today’s Dumbing of Age was about Joyce rubbing her hand all over a penis.

        1. Leorale

          Rubbing one out, as it were.

          it’s a really cute dong tho.

        2. Jackson

          Honestly would have expected her to use the eraser! Joyce is full of surprises.

    2. Lanval

      Rabid Lustwolves! Everywhere!

  4. Salmo

    On the plus side, she does recognize it. After that dream and her reaction to Sarah’s toy, I wasn’t too sure…

    1. Carriethedragon

      It might help that Walky told her people would draw dicks on there.

    2. gwalla

      Well, she did recognize that a strap-on was “man-dangle” when she actually saw pics.

  5. Verdande

    At least it’s more anatomically correct now…

  6. Idon'tcarenomore

    Roflmao

  7. Mkvenner

    You can’t win against Mike, he is a force of nature.

    1. Doctor_Who

      He’s going about it wrong, though. All he needs is a permanent marker and he can win for good.

      1. Kinoko

        Who says that ISN’T a permanent marker, he’s holding though?

      2. Mkvenner

        This is Mike we are talking about, of course he’s going to use a permanent marker.

        1. Regalli

          He has one in his pockets at all times.

          His shirt? Yeah, that actually used to be white, he just markers it black to inconvenience anyone who has the misfortune of sharing a laundry load with him at home.

      3. Lone Wolf

        Nah, if he uses a permanent marker, he runs the risk of Joyce just throwing the board away and not bothering to get a new one. Better to let her cling to the false hope that people might eventually get bored with dongs and use the board as she intended.

      4. CanvasWolfDoll

        fun fact: the difference between dry erase and permanent markers is that dry erase markers have an extra chemical in them. write over the permanent marker with the dry erase, and it comes right off.

        1. Leorale

          Sunscreen works too.

        2. Kryss LaBryn

          Huh, good to know. I know baby wipes take them right off skin.

          –Which is a great thing to know, considering my husband persuaded our little girl to draw on her face with the permanent marker she was holding (to label a juice box with). At least he knows I know that. I think.

        3. Chrissy

          Rubbing alcohol works. I used vodka to remove a permanent markered penis off one of my resident’s dry erase boards in college.

      5. Beige

        ah, but there you misunderstand, and thus you fail to reach mike’s level of asshole

        If he uses a permentant marker, Joyce will just take her whiteboard down as soon as she sees it, thus making the permenant-weener go away. if he uses a regular marker, joyce will just erase it, thus allowing another one to be drawn, and thus joyce will despair everytime she returns to her dorm

    2. Plasma Mongoose

      He’s also very VERY bored if he has nothing better to do.

      1. newllend

        Your avatar tonight is….meg from family guy except drawn differently?

        1. Plasma Mongoose

          Nope, Sophie from the webcomic “Living with HipsterGirl and GamerGirl “.

      2. zfshiruba

        No, no, Mike’s entertainment is preventing Joyce from enjoying all the things she could be doing instead of standing there guarding the thing. When she gives up, the ultimate kicker would be for him to draw anything else (preferably something she will end up googling with horrible results), so that she thinks she didn’t even have to stand there and waste all that time.

  8. MrSmiely

    MUST DRAW SMILEYFACE!

  9. Reflectivity

    Cat videos aren’t even that cool.

    1. Leorale

      You take that back!! :0

    2. Swerve

      I disagree, 100%! I’ve seen cat videos, and man are these creatures funny! It’s like if you took Ravage, and instead of him being a stealthy engine of destruction, he was a cute little guy batting a rubber rodent or jumping off a television!

      Speaking of Earth’s native fauna…

      Look, fun’s fun, but I’m not going to let up until I know what a horse is! I’ve gathered that it is a creature of some kind, but I’ve never seen one and I can’t wait for “Back to the Future Part III” to hit the rotation for movie night in eight weeks! Can’t one of you guys display the kindness and generosity Ultra Magnus always uses to describe Verity, rather than the callousness Prowl always uses to describe Spike?

      Please?

      C’mon! Free round of Nightmare Fuel, on the house!

      1. anonymous

        A horse is a horse of course, of course.

      2. begbert2

        Come on man, I already took you to look up Mach Kick. Sure that may require a time machine or something to pull off, since I think he ran in primordial times or maybe the future, I’m not sure, but I’d think it wouldn’t be too hard to find *something* around that could get up to 88 mph.

        But until you get the chance to do that, picture this: sky lynx with skinner legs, no wings, a tail made out of limp wires, a lumpier head with small visible ears, and flat teeth. Also small enough for a human to straddle, animalistic intelligence, and oh yeah, made of ambulatory meat. Have fun sleeping tonight.

        1. Swerve

          Time travel? I’m pretty sure that requires one of Shockwave’s ores to pull off. And that never ends well.

          As for your description … I think I’m going to mix myself a Brain Bleach and finish it off with a Dinobot Demolisher!

        2. gwalla

          “I’m pretty sure that requires one of Shockwave’s ores to pull off. And that never ends well.”

          You could probably replace “ores” with any other noun and still end up with a true statement…

      3. davidbreslin101

        A horse? I believe it’s a creature that eats oats. And wears a kilt, though I’m less sure about that bit.

      4. Kryss LaBryn

        Maybe a local zoo has an example of one you can see. You should Google “Horse” and “zoo”. Maybe check the images in case they have a pic of one posted.

        1. Swerve

          The Lost Light doesn’t exactly have a zoo, Kryss LaBryn. (Although, Prowl has often described us as a “three-ring circus”.)

          And for the record, I do know what a zoo is! Hedonia has the Menagerie of Galactic Fauna, and there used to be zoos containing Cybertronian fauna in Iacon and Nyon, before the war. None of them had a “horse” exhibit.

      5. John

        I was pretty sure Ravage was a totally non-stealthy engine of Yattering.

        He’s the white kitty on the rock! He’s waving at you!

        1. gwalla

          That’s Ravage of the Shattered Glass universe.

        2. John

          aka best Ravage!

  10. Plasma Mongoose

    Joyce certainly rubbed one out if you know what I mean. 😀

    1. newllend

      Yo bad to Walky wasn’t around to make the joke.

  11. DoogySpew

    Quick, someone change panel one and make it feature dickbutt. The internet demands it.

    1. Nono

      Duckbutt?

      1. Doctor_Who

        Your innocence amuses me. As does the appropriateness of your gravatar.

      2. Plasma Mongoose

        This is DICKBUTT.

        http://i.imgur.com/2ACzD1Q.jpg

        NSFW

        1. Kennerly

          Dickbutt kiss?

          http://visitcorvallis.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/dickbutkis.jpg

    2. showler

      Hasn’t Willis previously mentioned his refusal to continue the casual appropriation of another artist’s work?

    3. paradoxius

      How’s this?

      http://i.imgur.com/rwgOUg2.png

      1. DoggySpew

        The internet is grateful!

  12. Nono

    Mike’s a cat person, right?

    …Joyce/Mike? That would be… really weird.

    1. The Candyman

      I already ship it.

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        But can you afford the postage and handling?

    2. Stephen Bierce

      Now I’m imagining GrumpyCat giving Joyce the infamous Amber “hatefucks” line, and Joyce giving the Robin DeSanto reply.

      1. Gigafreak

        Ahem.
        “For your information, Mike and I pound each other every night in the most epic of hatefucks.”

        For everyone else’s information, cat penises are covered in sharp barbs, as bloodletting is part of a cat’s natural reproduction procedure. Hatefucks are pretty much default for cats.

    3. JessWitt

      He’s definitely catty in his attitude.

  13. Maveric1984

    Joyce, you obviously don’t have a good system of dealing with things you want but can’t have by saying you don’t want them. Obviously Ethan’s tushie falls under this category.

  14. Kernanator

    I wouldn’t last 20 seconds trying to outlast Mike. Or anyone, really.

    I’m easily distracted, is what I’m trying to say.

    1. anonymous

      What did you say? Sorry, I got distr

    2. davidbreslin101

      Well, Mike CAN go on forever. For only a nickel, too.

      1. Simberto

        But only with people’s moms.

  15. The Candyman

    Mike was just going to draw the Last Supper on Joyce’s whiteboard. He really has no idea why she’s so upset.

  16. Viktoria

    You just know that’s a permanent marker, too.

    1. Leorale

      I once knew a randomly dickish kid who sprayed fixative on everyone’s whiteboards down the entire hall, so that it’d all become permanent.

    2. Plasma Mongoose

      I heard that saliva can remove permanent marker marks if you do it quickly enough, so she just needs to lick it hard enough to make it go away.

      1. David

        Nail polish remover will work fine on permanent markers. It might also work on the whiteboard, though.

        Does Joyce even own nail polish?

      2. Leorale

        ::snicker::

    3. TFielding

      You can just write over permanent marker with eraseable marker and then erase them both. Not sure why this works. Probably magic.

      1. Bagge

        The erasable marker contains solvent that dissolves the pigments from the permanent marker, making them easy to remove.

        In other words: Magic

  17. GoogerGeiger

    Joyce actually knew that was a penis. I’m surprised.

    1. Reltzik

      She was Googling strap-ons not too long ago, some of them were probably anatomically correct.

      1. David

        She probably found something like this. Duck and cover.

  18. Stephen Bierce

    *plays “Chairman of the Bored” on the Muzak*

  19. Wonder Wig

    In today’s comic, Joyce Snow joins The Night’s Watch.

  20. newllend

    Its a battle of whos attention span is shorter.

  21. Khaner

    Joyce is watching Cat videos? She truly IS one of us now!

  22. Giw

    Did Joyce just rub one out?

    1. Wonder Wig

      Yup. Yup…. Yup….. and yup.

  23. MrSirk

    I like to think Mike is in a perpetual state of boredom. Every time he lashes out there is just the lightest flicker of interest before the endless boredom returns.

  24. Well_Played

    Aw Mike… you are what this world needs but doesn’t deserve.

  25. Suukorak

    Of course Joyce has a higher boredom threshold. She went to church every Sunday for 18 years.

    Then again, knowing her, she probably memorized every last sermon.

  26. newllend

    Hey I got something to draw, don’t worry it isn’t dongs here *scribble scribble scribble* there you go
    http://www.vinzdecals.com/cgi-bin/customdecal/makebadboy.pl

    1. newllend

      God Damnit I found a sight that let’s you make your own custom meme and I found the peeing boy meme so I made a meme where he’s peeing on the text “Joyce’s sanity,” thought it would be a good one but it didn’t work out.

  27. Kathleen

    Is there a 100% ban for sure on previous couples? I miss Mike/Amber already.

    I’m beginning to ship mike/Joyce, but I know it’s not the same…. Wait. Mike/SARAH. That would be perfect! They can be ornery and commitment-phobic together!

    1. John

      Well, we’ve got Sal/Jason.

      Billie/Ruth are… I’m not sure if they’re having more or less problems than in the other universe, because on the one hand, they’re not banging yet, but on the other hand, no one is dead yet. But they do seem to be getting a second chance.

      Grace/Mandy!

      1. timemonkey

        Grace and Mandy were sort of inevitable seeing as their only character trait is being a couple.

  28. ShaggyDonahugh

    Mike’s threshold for boredom has been recognized by most physicists in the Dumbingverse as one of the necessary forces that contributed heavily to the creation of their universe.

  29. etybolik

    Yeah, Joyce. Yeah, you rub that penis.

  30. Axel

    Man, this really reminds me of how I end up feeling about most arguments on the internet. I need to remind myself more often that when everybody is clearly and unshakably convinced they’re right it just becomes a contest to see who can waste more time and energy that could have been spent productively (or watching cat videos, which is at least fun)

  31. anonymous

    Dogs!

    1. anonymous

      Who approves?

    2. Khaner

      What about dogs?

      1. Gigafreak

        They were illustrated on the whiteboard.

        Oh, I’m sorry, there wasn’t an N in that post. My mistake.

  32. WingedBeast

    I think somebody could report on Mike’s behavior and at least get him a 48 hour psychiatric evaluation. Because, there’s a serial killer in there, just waiting to get into the job market to need an outlet.

    1. Ridureyu

      It’s okay because it’s Mike doing it. Whatever he does, it’s okay if he does it.

    2. davidbreslin101

      I suspect Mike is more likely to send someone else postal, on purpose. He’d have it perfectly calculated so he knew what day to skip work.

    3. Tenn

      Mike is a serial asshole, not a killer.

    4. timemonkey

      If someone is going to snap an kill people it’d probably be Joyce.

      1. fogel

        She did in the Walkyverse —

  33. Ridureyu

    So now she knows waht it looks like! Joyce is forever tainted!

  34. nothri

    Oh man, I know how this ends. Joyce gets so bored that she falls asleep and Mike draws a penis on her forehead in permanent marker.

    1. Rutee

      Permanent marker’s not that hard to get off of skin the old fashioned scrubbing way, if Sarah or Dorothy won’t loan her nail polish remover.

  35. TemplarKnight

    I’m curious whether Mike would get more joy out of drawing a dick on permenantly, or if he would rather just constantly taunt her by drawing a dick every time she looks away and have her erasing it every time.

    1. Leorale

      Definitely the latter. He loves getting a rise out of people.

  36. MO

    Joyce: How would YOU like it if I drew MY favorite food all over YOUR door, Mike!?

    Mike: Um, I didn’t draw my fa–

    Mike: …

    Mike: You just started a fight you aren’t prepared to finish, Brown.

    1. Bill

      That’s not the Joyce that we all know talking — or even thinking — like that.

      1. MO

        I know, I know, just having some fun

  37. The One Guy

    Solution: Run in, grab a smartphone/tablet/laptop, run out, erase anything Mike’s started to draw, and finally stand between Mike and the whiteboard, while watching cat videos at the same time!

    1. Gigafreak

      Until he draws dicks on her computer screen.

  38. Morgauxo

    I have this image of her standing directly in front of the board to block it. So mike just draws one on her instead.

    1. Leorale

      That’s where I thought this was going, too.

  39. Heavensrun

    Yeah, I was imagining she relents and takes the whiteboard down, then the next time she comes out there’s one drawn on the door anyway, only now she can’t erase it.

    1. cmd1095

      That would be the most logical progression of this

  40. ninja_jesus

    Oh Willis. Slipping penises into your comic, are you? Were the Slipshine comics not enough?

    1. Gigafreak

      Walky’s penis was visible through his pajama pants during freshman family weekend. It is, in fact, the entire reason for that chapter’s title.

  41. clodia

    Strips like these make me so glad I attended a women’s college. Never had a dick drawn on my whiteboard.

    1. zfshiruba

      Sarah drew the first one.

      1. Chrissy

        The culture is different at an all-women’s college (implied: at an all-women’s college, Sarah likely wouldn’t’ve drawn one). I also went to one, and I can tell you that I only remember it happening once.

  42. KrazyTom

    Happy Canada Day everyone! and an advance happy July 4th to our brothers and sisters south of the border!

  43. LiamAldam

    Anyone else pulling for Mike/Mary?

    1. Rutee

      Oh, they’d hate that. I support this.

  44. JWLM

    Um…you know, there’s something else going on here, and I wish someone had pointed this out.

    This is sexual harassment. Joyce didn’t “ask” for anyone to behave the way Mike’s behaving — he should be suspended and then expelled for this. More than that, anyone who knows of her previous sexual assault has no excuse not to report this to someone responsible but kind and sensitive. You know, a gender studies professor?

    1. ChaoticNeutral

      This isn’t sexual harassment. Mike’s being a total douche (you know, his default setting) but at the same time he’s not drawing a dick on Joyce’s door because he wants her to suck his, nor is he drawing a dick on her door to suggest she is sexually promiscuous or anything of the sort. He’s drawing a dick on her door because he knows it’ll annoy her. A lot. That’s just plain old harassment, and let’s face it, if Mike could be kicked out for shit like this he’d never have made it in in the first place.

      1. David M Willis

        It is definitely sexual harassment if Joyce defines it as such. It’s a good question to ask.

        1. Lanval

          Technically at this stage though, isn’t it still innocuous? Mike has only arrived with a Marker: He has drawn nothing, he has not declared an intent to draw anything necessarily offensive. She only assumed the worst about him and he’s letting her make that assumption: If a Genderstudies prof arrived, he could claim that he only wanted to draw a rabbit or leave a note for her roommate on what seems to be a public board.

          Sexual harrassment and expulsion would be really, really severe considering how far it’s gone so far. If Mike or someone particular kept drawing dicks against her wishes, it might be definable as such but I suspect Joyce will take it down before them.

        2. Bagge

          You are right that there are not proof enough to tie Mike to the dick-drawing event that would mandate disciplinary actions in a formal context (innocent until found guilty).

          That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t harass her. We can see him doing it right now. He blatantly demonstrates that he has power over Joyce, that he can do things to her that she does not want to be done, that she is powerless to stop him. He forces her to modify her behavior and potentially give up on things she want to do and erodes her sense of security. That’s textbook harassment. (And yes, the dicks make it sexual.)

        3. Swerve

          Joyce has made clear that she does not want Mike drawing it on her door’s dry-erase board. If Mike persists in this behavior, he’s harassing her.

          My question is what would happen if Joyce asked Ruth to make Mike stop. Ruth’s the RA, and she’s supposed to help her charges in cases like this, not lord her power over them. I realize Willis has already written the next four months or so of strips already, but personally, I’d like to see Ruth act like she takes her damn job seriously. Frankly, I feel like she’s doing a worse job than Red Alert was as security chief.

        4. JWLM

          Comic strips run on narrativium, and so history, not to mention some of the future panels that have already shown up on Willis’ Tumbler, suggests that Mike’s going to escape without even a slap on the wrist. It goes along with Ruth’s sexual assault on Billie, Amber’s Amazi-Girl vigilante antics, and Sal’s trysts with Jason — smart kids, stupid decisions, no consequences.

          In fact, the only reason I raise the issue at all is because Willis pointed out that the fandom has been hypocritical about sexual assault In Another Walkyverse world. He was right, and so I thought I’d raise the issue here, too.

        5. Lanval

          I’m curious to see this as Dumbing of Age is the first time I’ve really bothered to read the comments. Though I feel this isn’t expulsion worthy behaviour yet; this is more what one sibling might do to another to annoy them. Harrassment yes, and worth discussing with an RA but I wouldn’t call it sexual in nature [Sure, it’s a drawing of a dick but it’s because it annoys her and invovles a crude representation of a body part that it is used rather than anything sexual in nature] or worthy of full explusion: [Again, Joyce doesn’t feel uncomfortable or tha this is some case for male domination or awkward pickup attempt: This is someone being sophmoric in a largely harmless way]. Hypothetically, that could change if continued behaviour inspite of RA and even Faculty actions were ignored and Joyce felt alienated or bullied, a case could be made, certainly. Short of that however, immediate expulsion is excessive.

        6. JWLM

          No. IU would expel him because the University would otherwise be maintaining a hostile work environment. The law is quite clear here.

          Also, for what its’ worth, the IU student handbook is quite clear here. Mike would be on probation before the day was out, and expelled as soon as the school could manage it. In principal, the school would finish by doing a full Blaine O’Malley on him and bar him from campus.

        7. brew

          Do you think this is also worthy of suspension?

          http://cdn29.elitedaily.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/m6ACkhF2.jpg

        8. Lanval

          Execution, infact.
          -Dr. Hedgeh.

    2. Bagge

      I agree. Sad but true. We are watching Joyce being harassed again.

      I doubt anything would come from a report though, given the rather… high tolerance level to misbehavior (or at least head-in-the-sand mentality) that seem to be the rule in this college.

    3. zfshiruba

      Didn’t Sarah draw the first one?

      1. JWLM

        Yes, she did, and had she repeatedly drawn something with sexual overtones on the whiteboard after being asked to stop, that, too, would have been sexual harassment. Mike’s harassing Joyce because he has refused to stop when asked.

  45. wakeangel2001

    yeah that’s pretty much what happened to my white board in college…except my white board was INSIDE my room…

  46. Darman

    whats this alternate universe everyone is talking about…?

    1. Betty Anne

      Behold, the Willis empire: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Willis_(cartoonist)

      1. Swerve

        Not so fast! I think they’re referring to the Dead Universe! Real place! At least it used to be, before Shockwave’s machinations caused it to collapse on itself.

    2. Axel

      These characters appeared in David Willis’s previous comics, Roomies!, It’s Walky!, and Shortpacked! (which is still running but winding down to a conclusion). It was a very excitable set of titles. There were different events and different characters dated/hung out/fought aliens, but Dumbing of Age is completely disconnected so there’s no need to have read any of those to understand anything in Dumbing of Age.

  47. Tenn

    ‘S a peener!

  48. The Candyman

    First panel needs to be isolated.

    “I am angry with you, penis!”

  49. bunivasal

    It seems to me like Joyce should just draw a dick on there herself, to suck all the fun out of it for Mike.

    1. bunivasal

      I am currently high-fiving myself.

    2. John

      I bet if Joyce tries to draw a dick, it comes out as Dexter prostrating himself before a cross.

  50. Jess

    I thought Joyce didn’t know what a penis looked like…
    Just look at that one wet dream gone nightmare she had a while back. It looked more like one of those huge Hitachi vibrators than a dick.

    1. gwalla

      I think I missed that one. Link?

  51. OmegaDez

    Joyce will have to learn there’s just no way to win against random dicks doodles.

  52. FuryOfFirestorm

    Mike’s just helping Joyce work on her penis rubbing skills. Isn’t that so nice of him?

  53. Miles

    Did Joyce’s whiteboard get graffitied before or after she changed her shirt?

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