351

Introduction
Posted on September 29, 2017 by David M Willis
On Saturday, September 30, I'm gonna be at the Columbus (ohio) Metropolitan Library, filling up space at Laughing Ogre's table at Comics Crossroads Columbus!  It's a fancy comics/arts event that's in a library, so admission is totally free.  If you wanna come see me, I'll be there from 2:30 to 6pm.

351 thoughts on “Introduction”

  1. Doctor_Who

    I just bought Divinity: Original Sin 2, and now I’m picturing Malaya just walking around the dorm selecting which residents will be joining her party.

    Carla was a good choice, from what we’ve seen she has all the best equipment.

    1. Kernanator

      Okay, but now I’m trying to fit everyone into RPG classes.

      1. Doctor_Who

        Danny is a bard. He used to be a schmuck, but he retrained.

        1. MM

          It’s a pretty natural multiclass, though.

        2. Jamie

          I don’t think bard is a D:OS2 class..?

        3. Kernanator

          I said RPG classes, not Divinity: Original Sin 2 classes.

          (Because I’ve never played a Divinity game.)

        4. That Damn Rat

          It’s classless, there’s a bunch of preset builds named after common archetypes, but you can chop and as change much as you like.

        5. Shiro

          Clearly Joyce is a paladin. She’s a broadsword and a bad day away from smiting half the antagonistic cast.

        6. Dusk Rain

          YES. Also I wonder what Carla would be. Artificer? I don’t know the classes very well… I feel like there’s one that makes cool shit though.

        7. thejeff

          I don’t know. Barbarian’s a good fit too. Every effective attack we’ve seen from her has been rage-fueled.

        8. John

          That’s just how she smites evil.

        9. Ferret

          Nah, Amber’s the Barbarian of this party. I’d put Carla down as an Artificer for sure.

        10. Jack

          why not a cleric? she’s pretty in peoples business but she doesnt seem the type to go purging heretics

        11. Kernanator

          I’m not saying I’ve made a cheerleader bard based on Billie that specializes in chanting and dancing, but that is exactly what I’m saying.

        12. Doctor_Who

          Disgaea 3 actually had cheerleaders as a recruitable class.

          Best class ever.

        13. Psyme

          D5 had the superior maid class.

        14. Spaz

          ……I never played D3 that much.

          Excuse me. I need to go play some Disgaea–and then get distracted for 40 hours by the Item World 2 missions after it unlocks, get bored, and not come back for a year, only to Item World ALL THE THINGS all over again.

      2. Dean

        Mary is a blackguard, and Peter Paul is the evil outsider with whom she had friendly contact in order to satisfy the prestige class requirement.

      3. Pat

        For Miitopia?

      4. bryy

        … oh god now i want to get permission to make this.

      5. Amelie

        Okay I’ve got it.

        Carla is a skill-based Rogue, foregoing most conventional conflict-directed Dex- and Cha-based Rogue abilities in favor of Int to get tons of skill points that she has clearly put in knowledge and crafting skills.

        Sal is just a hidden switchblade away from actually being a conventional Rogue.

        Amber is a Druid who shapeshifts into Amazi-Girl form and tries to achieve some sort of neutrality by setting her two sides against each other.

        Joyce is a Paladin, obviously.

        Becky is a Sorceress, wielding a deep well of power intuitively and charismatically.

        Dina is a Wizard, powered by learning and moved by her thirst for learning.

        Sarah is a Warrior; she moves in straight lines and knows few tricks, but she’s very good at them.

        Billie and Ruth are Barbarians.

        Dorothy is a Bard, except she thinks she’s a Cleric.

        Marcie is a Monk, because someone has to be.

        Joe is a Warlock, a word originally meaning “oathbreaker”.

        And Danny is a Commoner and Walky is an Aristocrat.

        1. Clif

          Duke of thingie.

        2. Amelie

          Ha, I didn’t even think about that.

        3. zathael

          Amber is clearly the Vigilante class from Pathfinder.

        4. thejeff

          Walky might be as well – with Reginald as his alter ego. 🙂

          And Danny’s clearly retraining into Bard.

        5. Ferret

          Plot twist: She has the Everyman talent, both Amber and Amazi-girl are the social identities, and The Rage is her Brute vigilante identity.

    2. Kickback

      Dina’s definitely a rouge, very sneaky

      1. Doctor_Who

        I give you, The Saurian Shaman a Pathfinder Druid archetype that has pet dinosaurs, summons dinosaurs, and shapeshifts into dinosaurs.

        Go ahead, tell Dina she can’t be one of those. I’ll tell your next of kin you died bravely.

        1. Oberon

          Died bravely, eaten by a .

        2. Oberon

          And apparently enclosing something within the ‘<' symbols makes it disappear even if you don't use any valid tags. Allow me to try again:

          Died bravely, eaten by a [insert taxonomically accurate dinosaur species here].

        3. Roborat

          I thought you were trying to say Grue.

    3. Eldritch Gentleman

      Carla would fit into Arcanum: Of Steamworks and Magick Obscura. She’d build herself a steampunk powered armor within the first hour of the game.

      1. Dr. H. Teph

        Oh YES!

        Saw that it apeared on STEAM (how appropriate) … wonder if it is patched enought to motivate to buy it … again!

        1. Eldritch Gentleman

          Was it seriously bugged? Heh I remember when I played it a long time ago I farmed XP to develop my Tech tree so I could build myself a powered armor XD

        2. Andrew_C

          Haven’t played it in a while, but IIRC there is a fan patch which fixed a lot of crashes & bugs. There may also be a cut content patch. You will definitely need the widescreen patch to play at modern resolutions.

    4. Oberon

      “Carla … has the best equipment.”

      I bet she gets that a lot.

      1. OnyxIdol

        I didn’t want to go there…

  2. Ana Chronistic

    “And God said, ‘Come on, put your back into it, we haven’t got all day'”

    1. Ana Chronistic

      next week: DoA Tournament Fighting

      (has a hell of a roster, I’ll give you that)

      1. Some1

        Hey that’s my thing!

        I demand royalties

        1. Marsh Maryrose

          Ana is trying to put you out of a job. I wouldn’t stand for it if I were you.

        2. Doctor_Who

          Time for DoA Commenter Tournament Fighting!

        3. tyersome

          … why do I picture that looking like the last panel of this:
          http://www.egscomics.com/?date=2011-03-16

        4. thejeff

          I knew what panel that was going to be. 🙂

  3. wheelpath

    Malaya is the best, so easily “joining” Carla. Her booty is on point, as always.

    1. wheelpath

      Speaking of badass trans characters, I got my Hascon Arcee today, truly her best toy yet

      1. Shiro

        I got someone to pick me up a set of the Hascon MLP dice! While I was initially nervous they only showed a render instead of the actual dice inside, the gamble paid off. They don’t look a thing like the render, but they’re SPARKLY so even better.

    2. Some1

      Speaking of booty, is it just me or does Malaya get a lot of butt shots?

      1. OOzulu

        Butts Disease.

      2. Marsh Maryrose

        It’s called “Butts Disease,” or, more formally, Jacques Syndrome.

        And Willis can’t help it, and it is rude of you to point it out.

        1. Emperor Norton II

          The jury is still out whether Jacques gave it to Willis or Willis gave it to Jacques.

          But since Jacques was the first person to openly admit he was suffering from it, he still gets the honour of being named for it.

        2. butting

          “The jury is still out whether Jacques gave it to Willis or Willis gave it to Jacques.”

          Are we… not doing phrasing, your Highness?

        3. Emperor Norton II

          Au contraire, We are phrasing the hell out of this.

        4. Emperor Norton II

          Also, Malaya should meet May from QC.

        5. Pablo360

          Who coincidentally has, like Malaya, getting more spotlight than usual as of late.

        6. Roborat

          I always thought they both got it from Milholland.

        7. laurenh

          But I got it from Agnes…

        8. zathael

          I see what you did there

        9. Bibulb

          [slow but very, very strong hand claps indicating approval on a very fundamental level]

          BRA-VO. IMPRESSIVE.

          (I should listen to his albums again, it’s been many years and they seem much, MUCH more relevant again lately.

  4. Socks

    But like, hey, props to Peter for carrying the box over. Nice of him.

    1. Reltzik

      Mostly I’m noticing that Mary is NOT helping with it.

      1. MM

        Also, I’m guessing it’s not an iguana. That, or Peter’s got zero upper body strength.

        1. Fart Captor

          Could be an iguana inside a terrarium or something else heavy

        2. Marsh Maryrose

          As has already been established from the Amber-grapple-hooks-Toedad’s-car sequence (inter alia), comic physics are not the same as real-world physics.

          But in real-world physics, if there were an actual terrarium in that box, you’d have to be like a Jessie Graff to actually lift it up.

        3. foamy

          I dunno. You’re looking at, what, fifty to seventy pounds, depending on how much of that box is terrarium and/or how full it is? That’s not outrageous.

          (cf. https://www.amazon.com/Exo-Terra-Glass-Terrarium-24-Inch/dp/B000OQYGQ4?th=1)

        4. Marsh Maryrose

          The weight isn’t difficult. The leverage is.

          When I was cook (and in my mid-20s), I would regularly carry 100-pound sacks of potatoes. With the weight distributed over my shoulder.

          Both arms under the box? That’s like the most difficult way to carry anything boxlike. Unless you are a gym rat, this uses some of the weakest muscles you have in your arm, in addition to the huge strain on your mid-to-lower back. (Even worse if you haven’t learned how to tighten your core.)

          TL,DR: this is comic biophysics. Don’t do this in real life. I have seen Peter-sized guys spend months on Workers Comp lifting heavy boxes in this fashion.

        5. Needfuldoer

          They say you should always lift with your legs with your back straight.

          That works until you mess up one knee and ankle like I did. I can still lift and carry heavy stuff, but it hurts more than it did 10 years ago… If this is what getting old is like, I want my money back!

        6. Jon Rich

          What is a better way to pick up and carry boxes?

        7. Dean

          Beats the alternative, though.

        8. thejeff

          @Jon Rich: Arms around the side and hands preferably under the front corners, but given the size, probably just under the sides.

        9. Clif

          @Jon Rich – With a fork lift.

        10. Roborat

          @ Jon Rich-Get somebody else to do it.

        11. Ansel

          better be the tiniest baby iguana if so :/

        12. NelC

          Unless the iguana is called “DVDs”.

    2. Deathjavu

      I imagined Mary got him to do it, because she didn’t want to but she also didn’t want to contradict what she’d said before.

    3. foamy

      We can conclude from this that Peter is not quite as large an asshole as Mary, I guess.

      Also explains why Malaya wasn’t carrying that box herself.

      1. Gwen

        Not necessarily. They may just be acting on conservative gender roles (Peter is required to be the big strong man)

      2. Needfuldoer

        He’s basically my in-comic doppelganger, so I hope he isn’t. Bad enough he’s this close to Mary as it is…

  5. Yumi

    Imagine Marcie just staring at the first panel.

    1. Charlie Spencer

      I’m doing a pretty good job of that for myself.

  6. Synnerman

    Oh my God. I’m actually rooting for Malaya. Mary, you are the absolute worst!

    1. Jackson

      No, the absolute worst would be if she didn’t have her A+ fashion sense. As it stands, though, her A+ fashion sense is the only thing keeping her from rock bottom.

      Man, that is one tight scarf/coat combo.

      1. Some1

        My brain: I don’t know who’s side to take, everyone in this comic is so sexy!

        The rational part of my brain: you could always not choose sides based on looks

        My brain: you shut up

      2. Cakemage

        Agreed. I gotta say that while I despise Mary and all that she stands for, I have to admit that her fashion sense is on point. The coat and boots are great on their own, but that scarf really ties it all together and takes the outfit to the next level. ‘Course, I’m a sucker for scarves anyway, even though I rarely wear them because I can’t stand to have stuff touching my neck.

  7. Cattleprod

    So, has Mary’s sales pitch ever accomplished anything other than moving people who were totally indifferent onto Team Not-Mary?

    1. Gaia

      Peter?

      1. Emperor Norton II

        Peter was probably not indifferent in the first place.

      2. Cattleprod

        Hmm, I hadn’t considered him, I don’t think he counts for the purposes of Mary trying to pass herself off as the REAL power in this dorm instead of Ruth since Peter has his own RA.

    2. Fart Captor

      Well, just imagine if she’d been the first person Joyce met when she moved in

      1. timemonkey

        Joyce would have been really excited, then really disappointed, then really mad.

        1. Bagge

          Yup. It would have been an ark similar to the one where Joyce kinda-tried-to-cure-the-gays-out-of-Ethan, but with more bite to it (because she WOULD have done more damage). But pretty soon Joyce Goodness would have triumphed over her Rightfulness (and it’s pretty likely Mary would have been punched in the process).

        2. Jhon

          NOT PUNCHED ENOUGH

      2. missilentmurmur

        I already suggested this several months ago ^^ I imagine the comic would have taken a totally different course

    3. (((Mkvenner)))

      Probably not.

    4. Rheinman

      I notice that this is the same sales pitch used by Draco Malfoy in the first Harry Potter book/film.

  8. Gaia

    Poof, now you live on the same floor as either the guys or the girls in this comic, what do you do?

    1. Doctor_Who

      Join the Anti-Mary League!

      I hope they have t-shirts made.

    2. Some1

      The same thing I do every night, plan to take over the dorm!

      1. Emperor Norton II

        They’re Some1 and the Joe*
        Some1 and the Joe
        One is like Galasso.
        The other’s just a bro.
        They’re making fun of Mitch
        They play Nintendo Switch
        They’re Some1, they’re Some1 and the Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe

        OR

        They’re Some1 and the Joyce
        Some1 and the Joyce
        One is full of sunshine
        The other is probably at this point ready to commit roommate murder because dammit, it shouldn’t be physically possible to be that cheerful and by the gods it’s so annoying to be woken up with that way too happy voice!**
        At this point I give up
        What was the song about?***
        They’re Some1, they’re Some1 and the Joyce, Joyce, Joyce, Joyce, Joyce!

        *Look, I needed someone with a one-syllable name for this to scan.

        *OK, so the scanning might be slightly off here. Just a tad. Still rhymes, though.

        ***And now rhymes are lost too. I’m not really making much of an effort here, am I.

        1. Emperor Norton II

          And how fitting that I ended up forgetting to close the code too.

        2. Chris Phoenix

          Tom Lehrer said it, in his song “Folk Song Army”:

          The tune don’t have to be clever,
          And it don’t matter if you fit a couple of extra syllables into a line.
          It sounds more ethnic if it ain’t good English,
          And it don’t even gotta rhyme.
          … scuse me, rhyNe.

    3. timemonkey

      Hang out with Danny and Ethan as not-straight superhero loving fanboys?

    4. Dusk Rain

      ONLY the guys’ or ONLY the girls’ side? That’s gonna be real awkward half the time either way…Well I’m currently in guy mode so I’ll go with, in no particular order,
      a) loudly complain about the mens’ rooms not having tampon boxes inside the stalls (while secretly hoping that no one is going “why is that “girl” here, “she” doesn’t belong here with the menz)
      b) team up with Carla for wacky hijinks
      c) commiserate with Joyce and Becky over our fundamentalist upbringing

      1. Kamino Neko

        ONLY the guys’ or ONLY the girls’ side? That’s gonna be real awkward half the time either way…

        Saaaame.

    5. UltraKyrie

      game with amber until 4 in the morning

    6. Opus the Poet

      Ask where the quiet study area is (I’m too old for these shenanigans).

    7. Bagge

      Sit down with Agatha and desperately try to catch up on the plot.

      “Wait, so there is just as much drama going on for the other characters I don’t see onscreen? What is even going on with Rachel?”

      “Which one?”

      “….either?”

      1. Roborat

        It is impossible to sit down with Agatha for more than thirty seconds without a prince, monster, Jaeger or giant clank to show up.

    8. 3oranges

      Huh, I could have lived on the same floor as people just like these, and not really known. So, attend to my studies, read and play on my computer, and go hang out with people I met in classes, I guess?

    9. StClair

      Ignore them as best I can, spend all my free time (not in class, eating or sleeping) on the internet. Possibly killing spiders.

    10. (((Mkvenner)))

      Question: Is asron an option?

    11. Cephalo the Pod

      Well the real answer is “What I actually did in first-year university; mainly keep to myself” (I might go out of the room sometimes to drink booze with everyone), although that’s not conducive to discussion now, is it?

      Out of the known guy characters, I’d probably hang out with Walky and/or Danny. I’d probably offer to help Waky out with math.

    12. Blackbird

      Try to get Amber into bed. I’ve always wanted to call out my own name during sex.

  9. TrueVCU

    Two chaotic evils just made a neutral good

    1. Remmington Steele

      And Yotomoe blows a fuse …

  10. William Leonard Reese Jr.

    . . . . . . .Mary is Draco Malfoy. This is literally his argument in the first book of the series.

    1. Doctor_Who

      And the hero of that story also chose instead to hang with the cool ginger.

      1. Dusk Rain

        That…that is so rad. Kudos for noticing this, both of you.

    2. Dara

      It’s also literally a Frank Burns/BJ Honeycutt joke, when Honeycutt shows up on M*A*S*H*. Hey, anybody got the 1950s version? I wonder how far back we can take this? XD

      1. (((Mkvenner)))

        Ah yes that was before they replaced Burns with an actual human being.

        1. Roborat

          Read the books, they are waaaaaay better.

    3. Some1

      So is she going to join Toe Dad who demands she kill the dean? Of course Mary can’t go through with this and Anthony is killed by Leslie instead.

      1. WillD

        Did you… did you just made Leslie be Snape? How dare you?

        Jason is Snape. Duh.

        1. Some1

          The question mark at the end of “you” makes it look like your confused on how mad you should actually be.

    4. James

      I knew that speech in the third panel seemed familiar

    5. ditrysia

      Yes thank you, this is what I came here to comment.

  11. Deathjavu

    Of course Peter is carrying the box. Nice one, Mary.

  12. Stephen Bierce

    *wonders if I want to play the Streisand disco*

  13. MM

    Pity Mary probably thinks Harry Potter is satanic, or she might have learned from Draco Malfoy’s mistakes.

    Did I say “pity”? I meant, ha-ha!

  14. Madock345

    Oh hey Mary Malfoy

  15. Reltzik

    You know, I get the sense that this is less about Mary gaining a recruit (though she’d like one), and more about Mary pleasuring her own ego.

    1. Rukdug

      I thought that was what Peter was for.

      1. (((Mkvenner)))

        No that’s her libido.

        1. 3-I

          Yadanaya! Yadanaya! wait, no, shit, I forgot we had to get a Mosquito in there somewhere.

    2. Romanticide

      with Mary most of the time is about that.

    3. Wizard

      It’s a win-win for her. Either she gains a follower, or the rejection allows her to feel a sense of righteous martyrdom.

    4. Spaz

      ……I have got to use that phrase now. “Pleasuring someone’s ego.”

      I love it.

  16. Kernanator

    Oh my god, you’re such a Malfoy, Mary.

    (The best part is how she won’t realize that’s an insult because Harry Potter is “Satanic”.)

  17. (((Mkvenner)))

    I can’t believe I’m saying this, but ‘Mary quit before it gets worse, this is a fight you can not win.’

    Or keep going until Malaya and Carla destroy you.

  18. Rukdug

    Panel 4 and 5 are feeding me on a spiritual level.

  19. PapayaPunkPixie

    Oh thank god I can finally start liking Malaya, I honestly really relate to her obstinate attitude and the fact that she’s a brown woman with freckles like me.

  20. Passchendaele

    An hour and there’s already warring factions in the halls. That’s the Read Hall spirit ™. :p

    1. Remmington Steele

      Just waiting for the musicians to join in …

      A rendition of Stockhausen’s Gruppen maybe?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34_SfP7ZCXA

  21. Shiro

    Holy shit Mary is a slimy little thing. I don’t understand how she maintains this level of ick consistently.

    1. Fart Captor

      She likes the smell of her own stank, probably

  22. Marsh Maryrose

    Mary is the moral center of the wing, so she is kinda in charge. (In her own mind.)

    1. Pat

      “Moral center” implies that only half of them are superior to her.

      1. CJ

        Nonono, moral center implies everyone is looking up to her who is a pillar of righteousness in the depths of sin.
        That she makes such an obvious second approach to declare herself alpha bongo is a testimony to how far off her perception of reality is.

        1. Pat

          That’s not the center at all. That’s the top.

        2. 80-watt Hamster

          It sounds like you’re conceiving of morality as a scale, whereas to me the use of the term implies more of an orbit-vs.-gravity scenario. Like Sol is the moral center keeping the planets from flinging out into the immorality of deep space. Or something.

    2. (((Mkvenner)))

      She reminds me of Frau Engel.

    3. Cephalo the Pod

      Hell is symmetrical around a vertical axis, right? So the bottom can count as the centre.

    4. Spaz

      for a moment there I w as terrified you linked to tvtropes.

      whew.

  23. newllend(henryvolt)

    Okay your first mistake was establishing yourself as the head of some sort of hierarchy, Rebels don’t conform.

    1. Some1

      Lawful evil and chaotic neutral tend not to mix

  24. Mr. Random

    Will Mary ever develop self-awareness?
    Tune in next time to find out!

    1. Some Random Name

      My question was going to be “Will Mary ever get called out on her bullshit?”

      1. Dusk Rain

        Mary raises many questions, all of them worth asking! Not that hers are worth asking, ours about her are.

      2. Roger Sterling

        Carla did it.

  25. Meta

    yes yes YES

  26. A Scientist

    Lost in the hilarity of the anti-Mary interaction is the supreme pettiness of Sal locking the door every time Malaya leaves.

    1. 4,000 spiders

      that’s a secret bonus joke, for when you’ve reread the strip 5 times already and have fully enjoyed all the nuances of mary’s failure

    2. Pat

      …don’t those doors lock whenever they’re closed?

      1. Jamie

        That sounds deeply inconducive to the drama of barging in on people.

        1. thejeff

          It also sounds deeply inconducive to staggering out to the shower in the morning.

          (Luckily you can always get back in through the half-bath, which apparently doesn’t lock at all, solving both this and the lack of barging in on people.)

    3. Roborat

      That’s because she is supposed to use the window like a normal person.

  27. BBCC

    That happy shriek at Malaya and Carla interacting I just made was not human.

    And pfffft! Oh, Malaya, Sal’s nothing if not spiteful and petty.

    Also, for those of you wondering about the gofundme yesterday, it broke 43K. https://www.gofundme.com/alecsdr

    1. Stella

      They were already friends, though, right? Because they all do roller derby together (including Marcie)? I might be remembering wrong, tho.

      1. BBCC

        Oh no, I meant seeing them interact again. It’s been a while and their friendship is delightful.

        Carla doesn’t do roller derby, but she occasionally hangs out with Malaya, Marcie, and Sal.

      2. thejeff

        Since their very first appearance, in the parking lot of Walmart, drinking beer.

        Though honestly, I’m not sure I’d say friends. They haven’t directly interacted a lot. Mostly when they’ve all been together, Malaya’s focused on Marcie and fighting with Sal, while Carla’s focused on Sal.

      3. Kamino Neko

        Carla’s not involved in Derby, unless she quietly joined offscreen. Only Marcie and Malaya.

  28. Daddy-O

    If I didn’t know better, I’d say Ol’ ‘Mary Mary Quite Contrary’ was in the beginnings of raising an army for nefarious purposes!

    1. Some1

      Good thing is she’s really bad at it.

  29. Marsh Maryrose

    This is one of those things where I know what I feel but I haven’t had enough time to put it into words yet —

    But at some point in the future, I may have a pretty good “compare and contrast” between Mary’s “She’s new! She can still be molded” and Dina’s I can save this one!

    1. Lingo

      That’s exactly the strip I was thinking of! Glad I wasn’t the only one!!

    2. CJ

      The main difference is that Becky showed interest in hearing what Dina was saying? And Dina believes in choice?

    3. thejeff

      There are superficial similarities between redeeming someone from their sinful past and seducing them onto a sinful path, yes.

    4. Liliet

      Yes! The contrast is absolutely hilarious <3

  30. Romanticide

    It really seems Malaya moving and anoying Mary is a turn for the better, now I am fearing something horrible to happen but at least for now is good, very good.

  31. Aprion

    Suck it Mary.

  32. 4,000 spiders

    mary she is literally wearing a hoodie with BAD on the front why did you think this would work

    1. Dean

      Bad is a synonym for terrible, and Mary is terrible, so she assumed that they would be kindred spirits.

  33. Reltzik

    I wonder which would upset Mary more.

    Learning that her creator loathes people like her? Or learning that her creator would distribute porno of her and Peter if there was the slightest demand for it?

    1. Lingo

      Ha ha, at first I thought you were talking about God!

      1. Gojira

        Willis is God. Damn you Willis!

        1. Oberon

          ITYM “Damn you, God!”

    2. newllend(henryvolt)

      The idea that the only purpose for your existence is to be hated is sort of depressing… oh irony it’s such a cruel mistress.

      1. StClair

        “It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.”

      2. Chronos

        I recall reading that Mary was originally supposed to replace Joyce’s role in Danny’s life as a positive and “moral” character. She wasn’t originally written to be solely hated and he had tried to give her neutral-to-positive characterization, but Willis seemed to grow to hate her very quickly. I have to wonder, if Mary was created now with that basic role in mind, what would she be like? How different would she be?

        1. newllend(henryvolt)

          Soo originally she was supposed to be this holly ethical role model but then in a way became the fist antagonist David made in the Walkyverse.

          So if anything Mary is like a fallen angel, or pretty much the lucifer.

    3. JBento

      He already distributed porn of her and a drawing of Reagan, soooo…

  34. Some1

    Question: If you were a reality warper, what punishment would you give Mary

    Only rules are that you can’t kill or maim her (mainly because that’s boring)

    1. BBCC

      Tie her up and force her to watch Steven Universe.

      1. Some1

        Alternatively place her in Steven Universe

        1. ValdVin

          Well, after Peridot got a redemption, they do need someone with an inflated ego who.isn’t aware of that.

          Mary’s “I’m kind of in charge around here” reminds me of Peridot saying this:

          https://i.pinimg.com/236x/69/7c/51/697c5116181c815dc0b4764cf112efe2–spiral-notebooks-steven-universe.jpg

    2. Reltzik

      I’d use disembodied voices whenever she was alone and praying to turn her into the next Harold Camping, and then gleefully watch her fall.

      1. (((Mkvenner)))

        She’s Vorbis that won’t work.

      2. thejeff

        “And from now on, stop playing with yourself”
        “It is God.”

        1. StClair

          This is what I thought of, yes.

    3. MatthewTheLucky

      Appear as God. Tell her she failed so hard at the Ruth thing that to redeem herself she must recover the rest of my commandments…

      From Salt Lake City!>/i>

      1. Some1

        Wouldn’t that allow her to justify her evilness further?

        1. MatthewTheLucky

          Yes, but it would also reduce her to gibbering insanity at the revelation the Mormon’s were right all along.

        2. Some1

          Wait Salt Lane City because of Mormons or gay, or gay Mormons?

        3. MatthewTheLucky

          Whichever.

    4. NotAnElf

      Tell her to turn Catholic.

      1. (((Mkvenner)))

        We have enough Marys already.

    5. Some1

      Personally I would make it so that every three days at 12:00 am she feels an intense yet non damaging pain. She can only stop this by literally kissing the butt of one of the girls on her floor, trick is its random and she has no way of knowing who it is.

      1. Some1

        There’s must be lip to butt touching for at least 30 seconds for each girl

    6. foamy

      Well this is a creepy thread.

    7. Marsh Maryrose

      I understand, and both empathize and sympathize with, the sentiment behind this question…

      …But it kinda gets to my whole problem with any religion that posits both a loving God and an eternal Hell. Mark Twain had a much wittier take on this, but anyone who would beat their child to death because that child didn’t love them enough…how does anyone twist things to the point where they could consider that person a loving parent?

      I don’t want Mary to be punished. When people who think like she does become a threat to other people, they have to be stopped. But I don’t want her to be punished for the sake of punishment.

      I want Mary to eventually come to a point where she genuinely cares for other people in some way that does not involve her converting them to her own particular belief system. The sooner the better — road-to-Damascus events are exceedingly rare, but they do happen — but usually, these things happen one small step at a time.

      And whenever it happens, whenever it happens — “where sin abounds, grace abounds.”

      1. localvigiliante

        Yup. My solution was organizing a group of devout christians, some from her current church to tell give her a ‘this is why you currently suck’ speech with a slice of ‘god would be better served by you sucking less’. I like to believe people can work to redeem themselves, even the most asshole-ish. I do disagree with grace abounds, sometimes grace is fleeting in bigots because they ignore their own innate ability to act in a decent manner without feeling morally superior as a motivation.

        1. localvigiliante

          …i may have bingewatched the Good Place recently.

    8. (((Mkvenner)))

      Drop her onto Bouvetøya or the middle of Pyongyang.

    9. Cephalo the Pod

      Do something that strands her in a foreign land that leaves her fully dependent on others for some finite duration of time. Not really making her suffer, just keep her from hurting anyone (and getting away with it)

    10. Harvey Janus

      Make it so that whenever she tries to be smug, condescending, or anything similar, that she blurts out exactly what she thinks of whoever she’s talking to.

    11. Arianod

      Make her see herself as she is and realise why she’s so full of bullshit and so basically wrong about everything. Let her deal with it.

    12. Amelie

      Make her emphatically feel anything she makes other people feel.

    13. StClair

      Speaking for myself, I do not want such power, nor the responsibility that comes with it. I know that I’m neither wise nor moral enough to wield it, and if given a choice, I would refuse it or attempt to rid myself of it. Yes, that would make me in some measure culpable for all the ills and injustices of the world that go unfixed and unpunished – but what new ones might I cause by my actions?

      (This, it seems to me, might be one answer to the Problem of Evil – God knows that anything They do would, or might, make things worse – though of course, it runs afoul of various “omni”s; that’s what happens when you start defining your deity in terms of absolutes, you run into logical paradoxes real quick.)

  35. Marsh Maryrose

    “Hey Malaya, who are you allying against?”

    “Who do ya got?”

    (“Deeeeeeeeesperadoooo”)

    1. Marsh Maryrose

      Part of me still wants to correct that to “Whom do ya got?”

  36. Badgermole

    It’s Read Hall, Mary, not the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros.

    1. dg

      I was thinking “Europe 1910”. Mary and peter are the Triple Alliance with Someone Else, Joyce is notionally aligned with them but has a secret mutual defense pact with Carla, Ruth is the Sick Man of The Dorm, and there is a countervailing alliance that Mary is attempting to stop Joyce from drifting into of Diana, Dorothy, and Amber.

      1. davidbreslin101

        Is Peter Italy, or is he the Hapsburgs?

    2. adjudicus

      Mary: “WORSHIP R’HLLOR! HE ALONE CAN SAVE US FROM THE NIGHT and also we will burn you alive if you don’t convert”

    3. Spaz

      Well I’m glad to see the Fremen allying themselves with the Atreides against the Harkonnen (and their sardokaur allies).

      ……I maaaaaaaay be rereading Dune.

      >.>

      1. Spaz

        yes, in this scenario Peter is Shaddam Corrino IV. And in my mind Carla is the Fremen.

  37. MatthewTheLucky

    Appear as God. Tell her she failed so hard at the Ruth thing that to redeem herself she must recover the rest of my commandments…

    From Salt Lake City!

    1. MatthewTheLucky

      Why the hell can’t I get replies to work?

  38. Tacos

    Welp that was easy. Doesn’t take much to form an alliance against Mary. I judging by how Peter can barely carry that box, it seems there really is just DVDs in there and not an iguana.

    1. 4,000 spiders

      alternatively, the iguana might be moving around and causing him to struggle?

    2. Fart Captor

      I can say from experience that a box that big full of DVDs wouldn’t be very heavy unless it was only the discs and no cases.

      1. Peter

        Wouldn’t it be even heavier if it were full of only discs? The cases have empty space in them.

        1. Sunny

          That’s what FC said.

  39. UltraKyrie

    yessssss yesssssss it begins

  40. motorfirebox

    Carla noooooooo. Think of how much funnier it would be to watch Mary try to “mold” Malaya (malliteration mbonus mhoooooo)!

  41. Bagge

    Oh my God, Mary tries to be an ALPHA BONGO. Sorry Mary. Clark has already tried and rejected the real deal.

    And Malaya deflects is masterfully. SO masterfully in fact I start to suspect it’s not ONLY obliviousness. Even if she doesn’t care to decipher the full deal, she knows that Mary wants SOMETHING from her and she just doesn’t care (as she likes to say in ASL).

    Also, I love the contrast to Carla, someone she actually DOES like. “Hi Carla, sure, whatever. You are cool, so if you want to act against Mary I’m cool with that..”

    1. OnyxIdol

      I’m not sure Malaya likes anyone.

      1. Bagge

        She seems to like* Marcie just fine
        http://www.dumbingofage.com/2015/comic/book-5/02-threes-a-crowd/wall/

        *) The jury is still out on LIKE like

        1. motorfirebox

          At this point, I think the jury is just trying to spare Marcie’s feelings.

    2. Liliet

      Oh, I don’t think there’s a HINT of obliviousness to Malaya here. She knows exactly what Mary’s trying to pull.

  42. Pl0x

    I suppose this is okay too.

  43. Keulen

    I don’t like Malaya because she’s a jerk, but I’ll root for her against Mary the fundie bigot any day.

    1. 3-I

      Your icon makes this deliciously ironic.

  44. Chrysalis

    Apparently the only reason I didn’t like Malaya before was that she didn’t have a deserving opponent to snark at. (Sal is maybe somewhat deserving, but I actually like Sal.) I’ll root for anyone who can make Mary stop grinning.

  45. ProfessorDetective

    *starts playing this this over the hacked muzak*

  46. brasca1

    This seems almost cartoonishly evil of Mary. It’s also notable that Malaya doesn’t know anything about Mary so apparently Carla fights her battles alone or at least she did until now.

  47. Gojira

    I don’t know what its like in Indiana, but any unlocked door is an invitation for any passerby to steal all your stuff where I went to college.

    1. Chronos

      And in mine it was an open invitation to puke in their showers and not clean up after themselves.

  48. Arianod

    Well, no surprises in today’s strip…

  49. Miri

    Obviously I want Marcie to be happy – but Malaya’s relationship with Carla was my favourite thing about her in Shortpacked – the fact that she didn’t necessarily get her fully but she loved her and they found a way to make it work… So this did fill me with squee!

  50. Potatamoto

    …Mary possesses actual object permanence, right? I mean, she realizes that Malaya didn’t just spring into existence when she first arrived in the hall?

    1. WillD

      Nope. She’s new, with no experiences before this day. Carla is using her trans witchery to create a backstory for this person Mary never saw before. This needs to stop!

  51. Sugnez

    …Mary’s trying to do to Malaya pretty much exactly what Draco tried to do to Harry Potter in the first book.

  52. KSClaw

    Does anyone else feel creeped out over how Mary used the word “molded?”

    1. Peter

      Want something even more creepy to think about? She probably picked that usage up in her church.

    2. JBento

      Yes. The correct spelling is “moulded,” and we’d all like for you to stop butchering English, please.

      1. 80-watt Hamster

        About the only usage left in American English for the commonwealth spelling of “mould” is construction.

      2. SgtWadeyWilson

        English is the result of centuries of butchering languages, why stop now?

        1. Spaz

          something something Webster’s second-hand word store?

        2. thejeff

          “The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.”

        3. Spaz

          …..that sounds like Terry Pratchett, but even as I copy it to my search bar I’m fairly certain it’s not.

          More’s the pity.

          James Nicoll

  53. BenRG

    I’d actually forgotten that Malaya and Carla were both members of Sal’s roller-derby team.

    Interesting that, for whatever reason, Peter did decide to carry Malaya’s box. I wonder what his thought-processes were there. Did he think that he kind of really did have an obligation to help out?

    1. segnosaur

      Sal has a roller derby team? I assume you’re being sarcastic.

      Malaya is the only one who plays Roller Derby. Sal is ‘too cool/a loner’ so she won’t play. And Carla doesn’t think she’d be allowed due to her gender identity.

      http://www.dumbingofage.com/2014/comic/book-5/01-when-somebody-loved-me/purpleandskates/

      1. BBCC

        Not true, Marcie plays as well.

    2. Cephalo the Pod

      Maybe not a sense of obligation, but perhaps Peter felt like impressing Malaya as a way to get her on his and Mary’s Side.

      Alternatively, Mary made Peter do it for much the same reason as listed above, Peter happily obliged, and that panel is the first step in establishing their dynamic.

  54. Danni

    carla and malaya are gonna start dating, arent they?

    1. Marsh Maryrose

      Past performance is no guarantee of future results.

      Lots of Walkyverse pairings have wound up…differently…in DoA-verse. But it is not surprising that already DoA-verse Malaya and Carla have become pals.

      (And yes, I am referencing the Joey Comeau/Jess Fink book We are become pals!. Why wouldn’t I?)

      1. davidbreslin101

        “We are become pals, the preservers of worlds.” Is that so hard to say, Bobby Openheimer?!

    2. Derek

      Carla is a sex-repulsed asexual and Malaya is allosexual (enjoys and wants sex) so unless they can work out a compromise like they did in the Shortpackedverse I don’t think they’ll be happy together 🙁

    3. JBento

      Willis has said he doesn’t want to repeat pairings, so odds are “no” on that.

  55. OnyxIdol

    Malaya is neutral evil.

  56. Eldritch Gentleman

    And as always, so much for Mary’s clever plots.

  57. Cmd1095

    I swear Mary could only be more cartoonishly evil if she had a mustache and started talking about how they were going to kill James Bond

    1. Eldritch Gentleman

      I can see Roz letting Carla in at night so they could super-glue a fake moustache onto Mary’s face.

  58. Remmington Steele

    Plays Sympathy for the Devil on the ironic hacked music.

    “Please allow me to introduce myself …”

    Also, WTF Mary? You’re a dumbass First Year in a dorm hall. “Insignificant” doesn’t even begin to describe you.

    1. Cmd1095

      Not in her mind, see, Mary believes she is God’s chosen champion, filled with righteous power to do whatever hateful things she wants to people she dislikes and given divine authority over the world because she’s just oh so perfect. To her being a 1st year just means it’s her first year of being queen.

  59. BP

    Panel 4: Yyyyyyep, still ship it.

    1. amanda

      Ah yup.

  60. Oberon

    This comic evokes for me the scene in HPatSS where Malfoy is telling Harry that Harry wants/needs to be friends with “the right sort” and Harry tells him to get stuffed.

    1. Oberon

      And then I read the rest of the comments and realize that no less than 14,227 others have made that same association before me…

    2. ValdVin

      Hey, you actually did me a big favor. Thanks to my wife’s fandom I saw HPatSS (basically all of them) and know Malfoy’s a jackwad. But without your comment, I wouldn’t have remembered that scene.

      1. Oberon

        Excellent!

        Now I just need to find a way to play it off as if helping you was my careful plan all along. Because it was, really!

  61. nightsbridge

    Malaya. Malaya.

    Never change.

  62. Peter

    It boggles my mind that Mary actually thinks this sort of approach might have even a faint chance of working.

    1. Vulcanodon

      Right? My first reaction would be; “Oh, I’m gonna have fun messing with you!” but then my better nature would take over and I’d just think “What a sad, strange little person.”

      1. StClair

        “… and you have my pity.”

    2. Nemirthel

      She seems to be under the impression that Malaya was just born, rather than having just moved.

      It’s seriously like Mary doesn’t realize Malaya is an adult.

  63. Rectilinear Propagation

    Mary can’t possibly think that Carla cares whether she is able to mold someone, right? She didn’t have any real hope of that argument making Carla back off? Or is this part of her delusion that other people think that she’s righteous?

    Also, why did Mary assume Malaya was moldable? She’s new to the residence hall, not new to college. Unlike Dana when she said she could still save Becky, Marty has no reason to think she can talk Malaya into anything. Of the three of them, Malaya is the only one who’s managed to talk one of them into doing something they didn’t want to do.

    1. Rectilinear Propagation

      To be clear, I’m complaining about Mary’s logic here not the writing. This is all in character for her, I just wonder about the internal thought processes of people who act like this.

    2. Scar Man!!!

      she thinks she lives in a Chick Tract, where no one’s ever heard of Jesus and is always either receptive to their message or a demon in disguise. If she hasn’t met them and decided they’re hell-bound already, she tries to convert them

      1. tim gueguen

        Chances are if Malaya has any sort of religious background it’s Catholic, which could lead to a major freakout from Mary.

  64. Emily

    Malaya is my problematic fave.

    1. JBento

      Malaya is my fave problematic.

  65. CianM1301

    Ah, so Mary’s gone full Malfoy.

  66. OnyxIdol

    Mary’s lack of self awareness borders on mental illness.

    1. Lena

      Nah, she’s just a shitty person.

      1. Arianod

        Can you be a shitty person without being at least a little messed up in the head?

        1. Gamaran Sepudomyn

          Statistically, that’s not just possible, it’s by far the most likely case.

        2. Fart Captor

          Yes, it is. Being ignorant, or having stupid/awful notions of how the world works or should work is not the same thing as being mentally ill or neurodivergent.

  67. Scar Man!!!

    Hmmm. It seems she still fears consequences enough to not misgender Carla

    1. thejeff

      Though she doesn’t gender her at all. The “Shes” all refer to Malaya.

      1. Scar Man!!!

        ah, didn’t catch that.

  68. HeySo

    DAMMIT, MALA- oh. Wait.
    No, carry on.

  69. Tommy Fresh

    I loved Malaya so hard in Shortpacked and in her brief appearances here hadn’t quite felt the same connection.

    It’s back.

  70. FacelessDeviant

    What month is it in the comic?
    Seeing a mix of seasonal clothing here.

    1. timemonkey

      October.

  71. Lena

    Ugh, Mary is so darn vile. She’s poison.

  72. BenRG

    This isn’t the first time that I’ve got a ‘serious personality/behavioural disorder’ vibe from Mary. The first time was when she begged Billie to be given a victim to bully.

    1. Liliet

      I reeeeally don’t think it’s a neurodivergence thing. I think this is a ‘what her church has taught her is Okay and Right’ thing.

  73. Richard

    Ironic that the one who’d most likely to want to ban the Harry Potter books is the one almost quoting Draco Malfoy.

    Actually, on second thought, that would probably give her even MORE reason to want to ban those books.

  74. Vulcanodon

    That’s some ego; “She’s new! She can still be molded!”

    Like… “She didn’t exist or have experiences or a personality before I saw her!”

    Maybe Mary doesn’t have object permanence.

    1. thejeff

      I don’t know. Close your eyes, maybe she’ll disappear.

    2. showler

      Kinda reminded me of an evil version of Dina and Becky.

  75. Josh Spicer

    Mary.

    Fuck off.

  76. ValdVin

    Mary is a leader who unites people. Against her.

    1. Arianod

      That’s her calling. That’s her God-given task.

  77. Geoff

    Mary is channeling Draco Malfoy a bit here.

  78. Robert

    Is Mary illiterate or something? And has she never heard of the phrase “Barking up the wrong tree”? She’s clearly in over her head if she believes that a stone cold rebel like Malaya can be so easily swayed. One look at Malaya should tell you everything you need to know about her. That girl practically lives for the moments when she start crap with someone else. I understand that Mary isn’t exactly a saint herself, but if Mary’s the serpent then that means that Malaya is the mongoose.

    1. Eldritch Gentleman

      Mary is an idiot with an Ego the size of the Death Star.

    2. BenRG

      She knows that she’s right and tends to be very badly thrown off balance when reality disagrees.

  79. Mr.Morningstar

    Uh… Why does Mary think she’s in charge? She doesn’t have anything over Ruth anymore, everyone already knows (and hates her for it) so like who is she fooling really

    1. Eldritch Gentleman

      Maybe she doesn’t think that but wants Malaya to believe that?

    2. Daibhid C

      In the Discworld novel Small Gods, there’s a passage where the navies of Ephebe, Tsort and Djelibeybi have formed a combined fleet to counter-invade Omnia. The narrator spends a moment explaining why the commanders of all three navies think they’re in command of the fleet. The Ephebian and Tsortian commanders both have understandable bases (basies? basises? basii?) for this opinion. but the Djelibeybian admiral is just “the kind of person who always thought he was in charge of everything”. I think Mary’s like that.

    3. BBCC

      She believes she’s the ‘moral centre of the earth’.

      1. BBCC

        *of the dorm, not the earth, though she might think that too.

        1. Dana

          She thinks she’s the only one *not* bound for the center of the earth.

    4. Durandal_1707

      Same reason some people think the POTUS is still the “leader of the free world”

  80. Smooti

    “Cool, I like fighting my way out of those” is actually a super badass line, tbh. Might have to start using that. I mean I don’t know how many times someone’s going to angrily yell “YOU’RE MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE” at me, but I’ll have that just in case.

    1. Leon

      The line can be variated to suit the occasion.

  81. Creativerealms

    Mary is the only person so horrible that Malaya seems likeable by comparison.

    1. BBCC

      Counter argument: Blaine, Toedad, Clint, and Ryan all exist.

    2. Liliet

      We are now probably seeing the reason Malaya is the way she is. Her prickliness was somewhat misdirected with Sal and Lucy, but Mary-types are probably what she developed it on.

  82. Amelie

    Mary is so bad at being manipulative it somehow just makes me more mad at her even though it’s for the best.

  83. Eldritch Gentleman

    That 4th panel could easily be labelled as “Satan came and she wants to be friends”

  84. BBCC

    Wait.

    It’s Sunday. Why aren’t Mary and Peter at church?

    1. Vi

      I think they just got back.

    2. Makkabee

      In the previous strip they said they were on the way back from church.

      1. BBCC

        Oh wow, I suck! Thanks for catching that.

  85. Makkabee

    Mary is a miracle worker! She made me like Malaya for a moment.

  86. Tenn

    Oh yeah, I forgot they already knew each other. *smacks forehead*

  87. Micki

    Mary is really oozing the “first year Draco Malfoy” vibes here.

    1. Smooti

      my FATHER who ART IN HEAVEN will HEAR ABOUT THIS

      1. Aurora Judge

        That was great XD. Virtual high five.

    2. Aurora Judge

      I couldn’t put my finger on what this reminded me of but that’s totally it! I love how wannabe Machiavellian Mary’s turned out to be. She’s much more enjoyable hateable when she’s going for plotty arch nemesis. Vs just plain real world hateable.

  88. ValdVin

    Bumping into Carla and forming an alliance against Mary has brought Malaya’s mouth as close as it’s been all day to not frowning or grimacing.

    This is as happy as she gets, isn’t it?

  89. Nym

    Man, Fuckface’s terrarium and supplies – excuse me, the “DVDs” – must be pretty heavy. Don’t drop it, Peter!

    I am delighted at the Carla and Malaya team-up. Carla’s smile brings me happiness.

  90. Meagan

    I also noticed that Mary sounds just like Draco. Is this plagiarism or an archetypal trope?

    1. Liliet

      I think that’s just the way those things go, whoever says them -_-

    2. Ed Rhodes

      I was going to say that, but you did it first… and better!

  91. Liliet

    OH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY DID IT, HE ACTUALLY CARRIED THE BOX

    Also, gotta love Mary’s attempt at bullshitting her way into authority. I don’t think there’s a SINGLE person on that floor who listens to Mary’s opinions on things, doesn’t stop her from pretending everyone does.

    I remember someone saying earlier that Mary was probably the ‘queen bee’ of her church, something like Billie only with less connection to reality. And she’s still acting like she is one -_-

    Also, I LOVE YOU CARLA

  92. Galdan

    Mary isn’t just evil, she’s delusional too… does she really think that she has any power over anybody? She has run out of blackmail material, everybody in the dorm despises her, and if she attacks somebody, the rest of the students will probably support the other party against her…

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