Smash
Posted on December 23, 2019 by David M Willis
you can pledge to read tomorrow's strip a day early over at patreon, apropos of nothing

177 thoughts on “Smash”

  1. Doctor_Who

    Dangit, I was gonna make a Home Alone 2 reference, and the alt text beat me to it.

    1. He Who Abides

      Obligatory “Where’s Ana” comment, just because I want to meme this one time.

      1. Clif

        You don’t really meme it?

        1. He Who Abides

          I meme, I just wanted to beat people to the punch this time.

        2. Clif

          Hate it when there’s no more punch. But don’t be meme. Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

        3. He Who Abides

          You’re right. I’ll try not to be so meme-spirited from now on.

  2. DarkoNeko

    wow, I had forgotten how much dirt young Mike had on him.

    1. DarkoNeko

      wait why are Erika and Ethan tagged ? *stare suspisciously at comic once more*

      1. Yumi

        Window figures

      2. vitalProximity

        Omg I was just gonna say, is that Ethan’s head in the window? Is it too much to hope for that he sees what’s going on out there??

        …Probably, it’s pretty dark. :/ Unless Mike called him before walking over?… I mean, I can see the logic if he did I guess, but I think it would have been smarter to call the police direct.

        (Also, is it just me or does Mike look a little disappointed about the lack of imminent head bashing?

        Poor Mike, denied his broken heart catharsis.)

    2. vitalProximity

      Hmm, perhaps Blaine’s fake carpentry business explains why he randomly has a metalworking hammer? He literally doesn’t even know the right kind of hammer to plausibly be carrying around “for work”

      1. DarkoNeko

        More importantly, he has connection to the mafia, wtf

        1. Regalli

          This has been implied before – Joe’s dad mentioned it when discussing what Amber’s mom had been through, which says she knows; Blaine started his campus visits this time around by paying a visit to Asher and that whole discussion about his grandfather; and I think the Mike blackmail bit in the flashback also implied his finances weren’t aboveboard. And our introduction to Blaine in the other universe was Amber and her mom Stacey running because his illegal activities finally came to their attention, plus Stacey had a later line explicitly stating he was involved with the Korean mafia (and having affairs and illegitimate children with mobsters’ daughters – I think that might’ve been what finally blew everything up?) So it’s been running speculation among Shortpacked fans that he was involved in this universe too, such that we mostly took the first line as confirmation on the subject.

        2. King Daniel

          Also, Blaine’s whole thing with Asher (who’s told us that his grandfather is Blaine’s boss).

        3. Deadjolras

          Joe’s dad actually calls him a mob stooge here: http://www.dumbingofage.com/2017/comic/book-8/01-face-the-strange/disengage/

      2. Regalli

        That would explain it. And Blaine’s not good enough at these sorts of acts to think to bring a toolkit or anything to help that illusion.

        Nothing suspicious here, folks, just a guy carrying a single hammer around on his person loitering by an elementary school after midnight! Perfectly normal.

  3. Kyrik Michalowski

    Well Mike, I respect your courage if nothing else about you. Maybe you should go back up to the party though and let Becky know her dad is back in town.

    1. DailyBrad

      I dunno if he knows exactly who Ross is, I can’t recall if he was around for the gun-on-campus saga in-person or not.

      1. Diane

        Don’t think he was. And the closest he got clued in on it was Joyce asking Mike how to make her a convincing liar.

        1. vitalProximity

          Wait what, I don’t remember that conversation, when was that? I would like to re-read that part. 🙂

          (Sidenote though: Ross was all over the news.)

        2. BBCC

          http://www.dumbingofage.com/2015/comic/book-6/01-to-those-whod-ground-me/underhanded/

      2. Jhon

        Tag Search is your friend:
        http://www.dumbingofage.com/tag/ross+mike/

  4. YanderePanzer

    So Ethan and Eric are in the window, right? They saw all this go down?

    1. Zag

      That’s good. Cause Eric is packing heat.

      1. vitalProximity

        …

        because fingerguns. Well played, Zag.

        1. a/snow/mous/e

          You don’t want to be hit with a fingernail bullet!
          (I guess that finger guns are a type of nail gun?)

        2. vitalProximity

          Ooof, if you’re shooting fingernails, your exposed nail beds are about to get REAL nasty.

          …+1 for gore factor to freak out your opponent.

          ……Unless you can some how get your finger guns to shoot ACTUAL NAILS, which would admittedly be pretty damn cool, if also inconvenient and completely terrifying for hygiene.

        3. Lawzlo

          Are we going full Cronenberg body horror with this?

        4. CC

          I was thinking more Steel Ball Run, but you do you

        5. Delicious Taffy

          Well, a female Raxacoricofallapatorian can shoot a poisonous dart from her fingertip, if she needs to. If any of the party kids happen to be one, they could probably go ahead and use that.

        6. vitalProximity

          Okay, super late reply but: ARGHHHH I KNOW WUT THE REFARENCE good job. This is definitely what will happen. 🙂 Crossover time!

  5. Stephen Bierce

    So much for the Axis of Bloomington Evil.

  6. Mra

    What is to stop Mike from telling someone tomorrow? The fear that Blaine might come after him? It looks like enough to get police involved.

    1. vitalProximity

      Absolutely nothing can stop Mike from telling someone, ever. It’s Mike.

      He probably has all of his “dirt” files set up to be auto-released in the event of his death, with each person’s individual info also forwarded directly to the person they would least want to see it.

      1. Proxiehunter

        And it’s in his will to give the mother of everyone he knows one last nickle.

        1. Clif

          Or send them a bill for one last nickel. It’s never been completely clear.

        2. PB

          This whole comment thread is now canon in my heart forever.

  7. Durandal_1707

    How the heck can they hear him from way over there?

    1. Ray Radlein

      mystical technique called “shouting” that mike learned from the masters in tibet

      1. King Daniel

        So the Greybeards are Tibetean? Huh.

        1. Deadjolras

          They say Mike murdered Blaine with his voice. Shouted him apart.

        2. CrazyJ

          Kill one person, and you can solve so many problems.
          I wonder at the possibilities.

        3. foamy

          Looking to protect yourself, or deal some damage?

        4. Dean

          Let me guess, someone stole your sweetroll.

        5. Delicious Taffy

          I’ll have them hauled over right away.

        6. Clif

          Hauled over. Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?

    2. Pablo360

      shout

      1. Delicious Taffy

        Shout. Let it all out.

        1. Wizard

          These are the dads we can do without.

        2. DarkoNeko

          Come on~ I’m talking to you~ come on

  8. NinjaNick

    “I’m only telling you that your moms are ugly, just like you two.”

  9. Kravis

    Dumb and Dumber over there can try to hurt the people at the party all they want.

    Blaine’s punny Ball-Pen hammer is no match against Eric’s mighty fingerguns.

    1. BarerMender

      “Peen.” A peen is the part of the hammer you strike with. This hammer has a flat peen on one side and a ball peen on the other.

      1. vitalProximity

        “A peen is the part of the hammer you strike with.”

        “The hammer is my penis.”

        …Coincidence? I think not. Now, we must only determine the direction of causality, or if mere correlation is to blame…

        1. AntJ

          man now I wanna watch dr. horrible again

      2. Clif

        If you sharpen the side that’s not flat, you would have a ball point peen.

  10. Nono

    Blaine’s fake company is carpentry?

    You’d think he could have woodshopped a better front.

    1. Jamie

      Ouch. Just. Just. Ouch.

  11. Nono

    Oh hey, maybe the presence of a politician there might actually dissuade the two.

    Good job Robin, we finally have a use for you.

    1. Dean

      Robin is a Republican, so I assume that she is carrying a AR-15 at all times.

      1. Paradoxius

        But the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a ball-peen hammer is a good guy with a ball-peen hammer! Does anyone have a ball-peen hammer?

        1. vitalProximity

          Captain Hammer has a peen-and-balls hammer. Admittedly, his status as a “good guy” is pretty dubious though.

    2. paleotectonics

      Given how legitimately horribly her political platform is, and how abrasive she is, it would not be completely surprising if one of her ‘staffers’ had been private security. Of course, she fired and/or drove away everyone…

  12. jeffepp

    Toe-Head was (is?) gonna murder-suicide, so, eh, what’s a little mob crime between friends.

    1. thejeff

      But he was going to murder-suicide for the Lord. There’s a difference.

      1. David

        Nothing that a bit of rationalising cannot fix. “I want to kill someone with a different outlook on life and feel good about it.”: the answer is religion and rationalisation, a marriage made in, well, not exactly heaven.

        Once you start rationalising your belief, it’s actually gone. It’s like that magic inexhaustible pitcher or yarn roll in the fairy tales that is used up very soon once you start looking for its end.

        People elect to die for their faith when they realise they are not able to live for it.

        Ross may be caught off-balance in the moment, but Blaine can certainly put him back on track if he plays him right.

        “I have made a pact with the devil in order to better serve the glory of the Lord”: isn’t that the ultimate dedication? What could possibly go wrong? And if it did, who could blame you for trying?

  13. Retrikaethan

    HAHAHAHAH! yes, get that head start, mike, then RUN LIKE THE WIND!

    1. tim gueguen

      Mike will ride like the wind instead.

      1. Geneseepaws

        Wait! Why is Mike going to go to the border with Mexico? Why now? Inquiring minds…

  14. Diane

    Oh hey, Ethan. Hi Ethan, can you be arsed to look out the window and recognize the guy you were helping Joyce look out for since he was a potential danger to Becky? You might be looking out the window, I kinda hope you are.

    Also, in regards to alt text: I get that reference!

    1. Khyrin

      Or, y’know, the guy who drove Amber and him around all the time, and was present when Amber Stabbed another Woman in the Hand?

      1. Delicious Taffy

        Time is a noun, too. If you’re gonna capitalise nouns, do ’em all.

        1. Uly

          …do you think that Stabbed is a noun?

        2. Delicious Taffy

          Don’t you?

        3. vitalProximity

          Ah, but stabbed is a verb. Plus, guy is also a noun, don’t forget that one. And what about homonym nouns, like present?? It’s not a noun here, but it CAN be!

        4. Delicious Taffy

          Stab is the name of the character skill, so it gets to be capital. I did miss “guy”, however.

        5. Clif

          Miss Guy performs a Stab In the Library with a Candlestick. Are some of these proper nouns; I haven’t a clue.

        6. Khyrin

          The title of the event was “Amber Stabbed Another Woman in the Hand”. I should have capitalized the Another.

  15. BBCC

    Mike, get in that door right fucking now and call the police.

    And please let Ethan and Eric in the window mean they’ll call if Mike doesn’t. Or even if he does. Point is – police, now, you beautiful messed up kids.

    1. Regalli

      If Willis bothered to draw them in silhouette that must be important, right? Right?

      Especially given Ethan’s one of a couple people still at the party who could probably recognize both Evil Dads. (Even if he didn’t see Ross firsthand, he’d probably seek out a couple details between concern for Joyce and concern for Amber. And obviously he knows Blaine.)

      1. AutobotDen

        THEY’RE TAGGED. THEY ARE RELEVANT TO THIS STRIP.

    2. Alanari

      I think they might represent Mike’s thoughts. He seems to be in love with ethan and he knows ethan is at the party too. I’m like 70% sure he’d protect amber (he can be mean but there were lines in the past, like the story where he got the teather fired because she was unfair to amber. He can be protective), but I’m 100% sure he’ll protect ethan. Ethan in the windows might be a visualisation of the realisation that blaine threatened ethan by threatening the party.

  16. Megan Rivera

    HAHAHAHA OMG MIKE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW

    Thank God he didn’t get hurt (yet?! still worried)

  17. Regalli

    Okay, money launderer! There we go.

    (In reference to yesterday’s comment about Blaine not being a fighter because Amber beat him, if I’m remembering right – and it’s been AGES since I actually read that sequence, I might not be – Amber completely dominated that fight. She’s good, but if we’re trying to figure out what kind of mob goon Blaine is, the fact that he was so thoroughly shut out suggests he’s maybe not one of the bruisers.)

    1. Regalli

      Also, side note about the website: for the last… weekish? The mobile site’s periodically sent me back to the sidebar ad near the top of the screen for no apparent reason mid-comment writing. Anyone else getting that? I think it might always be the same ad but I’m not 100% certain. Really annoying either way.

    2. Delicious Taffy

      “Fight” is a strong word. She completely beat his ass up and down the street, and he couldn’t do jack shit to stop her.

      1. Regalli

        Just rereading, it was over damn quick – less time to react – and Blaine tried to grab at her at one point, but yeah. Absolute shutout. That reaching for her face is the ONLY time he’s able to actively do anything in it. Again, Amber’s a REALLY solid fighter, but I would expect a bit more from the mob stooges who actually get in fights.

        Then again, I could buy it if Blaine only ever hits people he knows (or ‘knows’) can’t hit back.

    3. Regalli

      One more thing: Laundered ‘millions’, huh Mike? May not be accurate and may not mean anything, but definitely feeds into that headcanon/theory I have that Blaine’s got a LOT more money than he lets on to Yuri and Faz, even with child support/tuition for Amber.

      (Specifically, and because it’s the Maximum Abusive Fucker option, my bet is that he completely controls family finances and they only get what he deigns to give them. It’s possible he just has a separate account – hell, it’s possible Yuri doesn’t know he’s in organized crime – but we are talking about Blaine here. He’s only just smart enough to be dangerous and SO proprietary about things he owes or has paid for that it doesn’t feel like a stretch. Remember his comments about Amber’s dorm room and laptop? Also I tend to assume the absolute worst of Blaine at all times. Hasn’t steered me wrong yet.)

      (My expectations for Ross are similarly subbasement-level. He’s human and almost certainly never actively killed another person before, so I think he’d have qualms about seeing his accomplice bash someone’s head in,* and I’m inclined to think he was more threat of physical abuse than actually hitting someone, but like. He’s an abusive turd and I think he can in fact rationalize ‘mob stooge, probably sadistic’ away. And that whole bit about ‘Satan took my wife from me, I won’t let him take you’ definitely reads as ‘better dead than damned’ in my book.)

      * Like, just on a visceral level, that’s intense.

      1. Geeky Warrior

        More evidence for your theory is Blaine had plenty of money to bail Ross out of prison. But according to Yuri, Amber was bleeding them dry.

    4. thejeff

      Agreed – he’s likely not that dangerous. He could still be a threat to any of the kids who aren’t awesome badasses, especially with a weapon or surprise.

      My theory has long been that he’s a mob stooge, not actually in the mob himself. He launders money, does favors, knows people, but he’s not actually a legbreaker or running part of the gang or anything like that.

      1. Regalli

        Laundered ‘millions’ (assuming that’s accurate) and the ‘my gramps owns you’/‘he’s not happy with you, is he? I could make that worse’ bit with Asher suggest to me he’s pretty involved and connected, but yeah, peripheral to the actual dirty work. (Getting an actual line to Gramps and being trusted as having accurate information about the runaway grandson? Either Blaine was bluffing – and it was just believable enough for Asher to buy it – or he’s in deep.)

        1. thejeff

          Doesn’t need to be trusted if he’s got evidence.

      2. BBCC

        Heck, ‘mob stooge’ are the exact words Richard used for him, so I’ve never thought he was high up either.

  18. BarerMender

    Uh-oh. Ross heard that.

    1. He Who Abides

      My hopes that one of them goes to jail for killing the other live!

      1. ego

        Im pulling for the Full Sartre: a long prison term in the same cell would probably be the most horrible possible fate for both.

    2. David

      Ross had no qualms engaging a shotgun for serving his “Thou Shalt Not Kill” Lord, so it would rather comfort than disturb him that Blaine is not loading blanks.

      1. He Who Abides

        That may be true, but I get the feeling that Ross is one of those “but by God, I’m an AMERICAN criminal by thunder!”, and being a Korean mob stooge is a huge no-no for him.

        1. Schpoonman

          Ross doesn’t even think of himself as a criminal.

        2. He Who Abides

          True. I just always think of the Credit Card Soldiers when I see a character with strong national pride despite severe moral failings, and they referred to themselves as “criminals, but AMERICAN criminals, by thunder!” when they discovered that their benefactor was a Soviet.

      2. Jhon

        Not a shotgun.

        1. Bathymetheus

          I admire your persistence. For some reason, people have decided that Ross owns a shotgun (a bird-hunting tool), not a rifle (rodents or deer, depending on size). Once false information is implanted, it is extremely hard to remove.

          Deer, I would think, in Ross’ case.

        2. thejeff

          Rodent more likely. At least I think it was identified as such at the time and Hank reinforced it by talking about getting a gun to deal with squirrels – though without any direct reference to Ross’s.

          Mostly I think it just looks vaguely shotgun like, specifically not like an AR-15 knock off, which is what people likely think of when they think of “rifle” these days. Shotguns also have a dangerous rep – probably mostly from video games and movies – and are thought of more in that context than bird hunting by many.
          And fundamentally, it really just doesn’t matter, but every single time someone misidentifies it as a shotgun, it’s vitally important someone jump in to correct them, because the important thing about any shooting is getting the details of the weapon correct.

        3. Jhon

          The important thing is that Willis drew a distinctive and easily identifiable
          gun that would be a very poor choice for a murder spree.

        4. Bicycle Bill

          When Ross first showed up with the weapon here the comment section blew up with people trying to identify it; the general consensus was that it was a German-made single-shot small-caliber breech-loading rifle.  I would also presume that it was confiscated by the police, along with any other firearms he might have had, following his arrest out on the highway after the intervention by Amazi-Girl.

        5. Bicycle Bill

          Damn, I hate when the link I try to create doesn’t work. Cut and paste this instead….. https://www.dumbingofage.com/2015/comic/book-6/01-to-those-whod-ground-me/deceptress/

        6. thejeff

          Specifically, it’s apparently a Ruger 1 Varminter, which is actually American made.

        7. BarerMender

          The only assurance we have that it was a rifle was Joyce’s say-so. Are we sure Joyce knows the difference? I thought it was a shotgun.

      3. woobie

        That was ,i>different.

  19. abysswatcher1993

    Mike: “Also, I am not saying that I just banged your dissatisfied wife… and that I did it for free. Here’s a nickel for you.”

  20. Guff

    Whoah, is Mike gonna die a martyr?

    1. DarkoNeko

      At this distance ? no

      1. TemporalShrew

        Hey, don’t discount the possibility that Blaine’s got a hidden talent as a pro hammer-thrower.

        1. Rikunda

          Just because he has a hammer, doesn’t mean he isn’t carrying a gun.

        2. TemporalShrew

          Also true, though I feel like he would have led with that for his Big Threat, if he’d had one. Blaine’s really not all that subtle, and it’d be pretty silly to try and strong-arm someone with your least effective weapon.

        3. Regalli

          Especially since he started with Mike at range, knows full well (and would remember, given the circumstances) Mike’s never been afraid of him, and has a hammer that’s not exactly the ideal choice for beatings.

        4. Jasmijn

          Never assume a man does not have guns at his disposal.

        5. StClair

          … in AMERICA!

  21. Koms

    I hope Toedad realises what he’s got himself into and bails. But i doubt he will.

  22. whatevsman

    just cuz you’re being the good guy doesn’t mean you gotta do it up close

    1. zombycow

      100% yes. you can be good, but you can also be smart about it. no need to tell the hammer wielding asshole that you are gonna call the cops when he’s 6 feet away from you. tell him when you are across the street and can run like a madman while you call the cops.

  23. Mishyana

    Not going to lie, I honestly would not be opposed to this storyline ending with these two going straight to jail and their half assed plan falling utterly apart.

    1. Regalli

      Wouldn’t that be nice?

      Sadly, that means it definitely won’t be what happens.

  24. Icalasari

    And this is why I love Mike

  25. Hugo Bedward

    Wait, is that the Irish Mob from Shortpacked?

    1. Proto

      I believe it was mentioned earlier that this one is the Korean mob, but I could be totally misremembering.

      1. Deadjolras

        If I remember correctly, it hasn’t been explicitly referred to as the Korean mob, but it has been said that Asher’s grandfather is Blaine’s boss and that Asher is asian.

        1. CJ

          Asher is Asian?

        2. Regalli

          It was explicitly mentioned in-strip and we all went ‘wait, what?’

          I’m not sure if it was explicitly implied here Blaine met Yuri through the mob ties or if I’m projecting from Shortpacked where the Faz reveal was explicitly tied to Blaine’s time with the Korean mob, but that’s also a possible suggestion there.

    2. Kamino Neko

      Korean, not Irish.

      1. Delicious Taffy

        Geographically, they’re pretty much neighbors.

        1. Clif

          I never knew that.

        2. Bathymetheus

          Well, yes. trump just said that the Earth is tiny compared to the rest of the universe. So any two islands anywhere on the planet are functionally adjacent.

          I must say I was astonished by trump’s statement. I did not know he is capable of telling the truth.

        3. Bathymetheus

          Sorry, Korea is a penisula, not an actual island. But the point stands.

        4. Bathymetheus

          Ouch! Peninsula, dammit.

          That’s what happens when I rush to correct a mistake. I make another one – a rather embarrassing one, in this case.

  26. Proto

    Blaine, it would’ve been stupid to kill a teen in cold blood with a hammer, but you somehow managed to make a stupider move.

  27. BenRG

    Shouldn’t have let him get away Blaine.

    Meanwhile, he and Amber have been hanging out together for how long and you still don’t know how perverse he is?

  28. Suet

    I am also not saying you are disturbing the peace, Blaine

    Well, after also not saying you are so bluffing

  29. Bagge

    OK, I have to admit – that was well done. Mike does an excellent job of breaking Blaine’s script and attempting to de-escalate the situation. He confronts Blaine, shows that he isn’t afraid of him and – ones in safe distance – blackmails him. This makes it very hard for Blaine to maintain the idea of himself as top bully, and reveals the cost of pressing on with his plans.

    Because he is an idiot, he likely will, but Mike has dereailed him at least for now.

  30. Wraithy2773

    He’s going to tell the police that while fucking Blaine’s mom.

  31. Keulen

    I wonder if this is gonna make Ross reconsider working with Blaine.

    1. Crumplepunch

      God, I hope so. Someone so motivated by misplaced moral conviction has to have it point them in the right direction sometimes.

    2. JBento

      But Blaine’s a carpenter. Like JESUS.

      1. David

        Someone who feeds 5000 with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes isn’t a carpenter but a matchmaker. And when I say “match” I mean a tiny sliver of wood for the sake of fire starting.

        1. Jhon

          There were several cords of firewood left over.

  32. JBento

    Point 1: Shoutout to all the shitheels who say that if you restrict guns people will just weaponise other stuff. On display in today’s strip: one of the fundamental differences.

    Point 2: That Blaine’s a FAKE CARPENTER is icing on the cake. The only way he could be more of a literal antichrist was if his birth name were Susej. Ross will, of course, completely fail to pick up on the metaphor because he’s dumber than that hammer and it wouldn’t change anything if he DID pick up on it because, as is being constantly proven, his ilk doesn’t really have any actual morals or principles.

    1. thejeff

      2) Which is impressive because that was set up well before Blaine was tied into Ross or anything religious.

      1. JBento

        Chekhov’s Profession

    2. Regalli

      Oh, that is an AWESOME catch, well done!

    3. Jhon

      Not the sharpest hammer in the bag.

    4. Schpoonman

      Point 1 always infuriated me. Do you know how difficult it is to get a car and how easy it is to get a gun?

  33. Lone Duck

    Toedad might start questioning Blaine. After all, Blaine keeps inhibiting Toedad’s God given impulses. Make no mistake, they’re both bad people who will keep on being bad people. But try as Blaine might cover it up, their methods and motivations are incompatible. Can’t imagine Toedad wants anything to do with the mob.

    1. David

      Can’t imagine Toedad wants anything to do with the mob.
      If this is what it takes to serve the Lord, wouldn’t it be a sin to draw back?

      How many people does the mob kill anyway? Probably a lot fewer than Jephthah consigned to be slaughtered for not pronouncing “Shibboleth” correctly, and he was beloved by the Lord.

      1. Regalli

        He’s capable of rationalizing a lot, but I think they’re right – Toedad’s gonna be less inclined to do that rationalizing given Blaine’s been pulling him back every time when the sin is going on RIGHT THERE. Honestly I think two separate evil dads working independently is probably more dangerous in the long run than a collaboration where Blaine’s calling the shots and keeping Ross reeled in.

        Whoo, maximum Bad Dad Chaos.

      2. ego

        one does not use reason to arrive at a conclusion. one reasons to find support for conclusions already in hand. most people do it this way all of the time, all people do this most of the time.

  34. Wakeangel2001

    If he has mob laundry money why is he nitpicking over the few thousand dollars for his daughter’s college tuition?

    1. Ohmsford

      You can’t pay tuition in quarters

    2. JBento

      I’m pretty sure that Blaine doesn’t get to keep the money. He’s a stooge, so I assume he doesn’t get paid much.

      But that’s beside the point.

      Blaine could be making a million dollars an hour, and he’d still throw murderous tantrums over Amber’s tuition. That his money is being used for something he didn’t choose and doesn’t directly benefit him is the issue. Furthermore, there could be NO tuition, and Blaine would still object to Amber going to college. She’s getting out from under his control and, to Blaine, losing any sort of power is an inexcusable affront to how things should fundamentally be.

      1. Roborat

        The person doing the money laundering usually gets paid pretty well.

    3. Azhrei Vep

      Because the mob will ventilate him if he’s caught misusing their money?

      1. thejeff

        Like by using it to bail out Ross?

    4. Vangeln

      Because he thinks she doesn’t deserve that money. And because he has a facade of not having alot of money.

      1. CJ

        Because he only agreed to the „pay for college for Amber instead of paying alimony“ because he thought Amber would never make it to college. Scammers are always enraged when their cheating doesn’t work.

    5. Bagge

      Because he’s a piece of shit

    6. Agemegos

      Because the Mob will torture and kill him when they find out that he is embezzling their money. He’s just a stooge, not a made man.

  35. PB

    I never thought I would say this but:

    Mike, I could kiss you right now.

  36. TemperaryObsessor

    I think if Toedad realized a lot of things about Blaine it would put a damper on their relationship. All it takes is realizing that Blaine is neither trying to protect his precious little porceline doll nor trying to enforce “Gods” plan.
    I also think any crime that isn’t for what Toedad thinks is just cause would hurt things between them.

  37. Morrison

    Oh snap.

  38. Kravis

    Dumb and Dumber over there can try to hurt the people at the party all they want.

    Blaine’s punny ball-peen hammer is no match against Eric’s mighty fingerguns.

  39. zombycow

    “hey there, im probably about to commit a major crime, so why dont you walk away and not tell anyone”

    “you’re about to commit a major crime?”

    “Maaaaybe…. are you going to tell anyone?”

    “Maaaaaaaaybe.”

  40. Ragingagnostic

    Why can’t someone ever just hit Spike instead of just talking to him?

  41. FacelessDeviant

    Pretty sure the mob prefer their money launderers to be more low key than running around on a campus with a kidnapper/shooter.

    Blaine should probably be happy if the cops are the ones that get him if he starts shit with Teedee.

    1. Needfuldoer

      Well, he most-probably knocked up one of the bosses’ daughters so they’re stuck with him.

      1. thejeff

        Generally when older stooges knock up the mob boss’s teenage daughter, nobody’s stuck with the stooge. That kind of thing tends to make you accident prone.

        1. FacelessDeviant

          Especially if said stooge also starts to draw the attention of the judicial system to the mob boss’s business. That could unravel the whole family and land them all in jail.

          One baby daddy would be a small price to avoid that, I believe.

  42. Amelie

    That did not work out according to my predictions.

  43. woobie

    Smart would be if Blaine and Toedad had stayed home, so we’re well past smart.

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