Hey, he comes back from the dead, feeds people his blood, and can only be killed with a piece of wood, how granular we gonna make this classification system?
Well, if there is one thing we learned about vampires in the recent years, it’s that it’s a spectrum.
Needfuldoer
It has to be a spectrum, if it encompasses Dracula, Angel, and Count von Count.
Bicycle Bill
And the Reformed Vampyres of Discworld.
Proxiehunter
And Edward Cullen.
HueSatLight
Bunnicula to The Strain to Ethan Hawk to Colin Robbinson.
Daniel M Ball
How insensitive! You left out Count CHOCULA!!! what do you have against Count Chocula, is he just not good enough for you??
DaveM
And Count Duckula, can’t forget him.
Laura
Plus Count Chocula!
Daniel M Ball
Laura, you are a being of taste and memory.
Librain
I mean, Vampire lore has been incredibly varied over the years. The original Dracula had a number of traits that most people nowadays would not recognise as being stereotypically vampiric, and Anne Rice’s vampires of 50 years ago are barely even the same species as the vampires from Buffy, less than 20 years later.
Yes, Buffy is over 30 years old now. And the vampires in both movie and series share more in common with Twilight than Dracula.
SDRainbow
There’s a fantasy quartet that starts with LIBRIOMANCER, by Jim Hines, where magic comes out of books to infect the real world. One of the interesting subplots is the various subspecies of vampire, like Sanguinarius Meyerii, aka sparklers – from Twilight.
Schpoonman
Buffy premiered in 1997. Closer to 30 than 20, certainly.
Tan
I believe Librain was including the 1992 film to which the series is technically a sequel
Tan
I feel there are five basic axes to cover the various types of vampires
Blooddrinking: (from ‘tomato juice works’ to ‘can drink animal blood but is weaker for it’ to ‘must drink human blood directly from source’)
Unholy: (from ‘is disavowed by most organized religions’ to ‘holy objects that the wielder believes in will repel’ to ‘burned and can be killed by crosses or holy water’)
Weakness to sunlight: (from ‘sparkles’ to ‘carries a parasol outside during daytime’ to ‘any exposure to sunlight near-instantly turns to ash’)
Mind control: (from ‘lull into a relaxed state’ to ‘paralyze while maintaining eye contact’ to ‘turn into a mindless thrall’)
Bats: (from ‘wears a cape’ to ‘can control bats and possibly fly’ to ‘turns into bat or swarm of bats’)
And then there’s kind of a miscellaneous checklist. Invisible in mirrors? Can’t cross running water? Weak to silver? Need to be invited in? Enmity with werewolves? And so forth
For whatever reason, Sarah has taken on the role of Mama Bear to Joyce (and that was even BEFORE Joyce’s real mother revealed herself to be the arschloch that she was)… and no matter how strong you may be, you don’t mess around with Mama Bear’s cub.
I’d believe that, honestly. Joe is smart enough to not want to be in the room when the boyfriend conversation inevitable happens. Or just be around Sarah in general after all the times he’s been a pain in the ass for kicks.
Da Boy
Being in the hall gives him headstart if he hears Sarah scream his name in anger.
Nah, it’s that despite his efforts earlier to be a Cad, Joe’s a Gentleman. It might actually be a solid natural defect in his character (cads, aka people without ethics, tend to end up with wealth and power, or power that provides wealth, while Gentlemen usually end up stuck keeping the damned world from collapsing.) He cooperated with Sarah’s efforts because it’s HER room too, and not his.
Sarah’s done something similar with Jen. It is important to note physical strength isn’t the same as fighting ability. Joe’s easily stronger than Amber but Amber would likely beat him in a fight.
Feats are important though and this counts. We’ll need to see if Carla can move a Joe or similar. Sarah might beat her as of now.
I dunno, I’d say that Ruth has demonstrated more combat ability than Asher.
The Oracle
So far, the only “combat” we’ve seen Asher in was when Walky decked him and he decided not to retaliate. Definitely not enough to judge his capabilities in an actual fight.
Decidedly Orthogonal
No, but don’t discount that we’ve seen he can take a punch (even if said punch was potentially from a glass fist.)
Dina can climb a Joe, and also take down Amber (although in fairness after Amber sets herself up for it and with her not fighting back), plus has the guts to face down her girlfriend’s furious, gun-toting dad and bite him (during the first abduction). She can rip through multiple layers of denim with her teeth (converting Amber’s dungarees to jeans). There’s her invisibility power, door teleportation ability…
She pretty much only fights to defend dinosaurs and loved ones, so probably wouldn’t take part in a fighting competition to satisfy our curiosity – but I’m not sure we can entirely rule her out as a contender!
This is a good point but the problen with trying to scale someone like Galasso is that he doesn’t have enough appearances to analyze his feats. Comic always trumps speculation. All we really know for him is that he’s tall and fears Becky’s god. That tells me Becky would likely win the matchup through wits. I haven’t read Shortpacked it Galasso has done impressive stuff there or actually has access to ninjas let me know.
Jacob is similar, we just haven’t seen much from him. We do know he works out. We’ve seen it. That does a lot to put him over others for physical strength at least. Combat ability, stealth, magic or super powers, intelligence, skills still leave a lot to be desired.
I think Sarah disapproves of Joe more than Dorothy does. Dorothy’s disapproval has a jealously component. Joe has a knack and reflex to piss Sarah off.
I think she’ll disapprove of them dating, but really despise the most that there will be more Joe in her life.
Now I’m just picturing that series of pictures of the Shortpacked! crew doing the kneeling which was a reference to something that Willis explained, but I can’t really remember.
Just that even in non-canon drawings, Leslie would rather rip her own arms off than participate.
It tended to be Sonic the Hedgehog characters because 1) Sonic attracts some particularly odd fanart subtypes, and 2) Sonic is very cool to kids, and largely acceptable to the kind of Christian parents who would restrict kids’ media options evidently, but then the kids need to make him Explicitly Christian for their particularly sheltered worldview and so, Sonic kneeling at the cross fanart.
However, it was by no means EXCLUSIVE to Sonic, as I remember.
Christian (I assume Evangelical) teens drawing fictional characters worshipping Jesus is a real phenomenon, mostly on Deviantart. I think it was a reference to that general thing, but also specifically the Sonic stuff because Sonic fanart is its own weird thing.
162 thoughts on “Sparkly”
Ana Chronistic
surprisingly nonviolent for Sarah
(then it turns out the vampire pile is the Jesus pile)
Doctor_Who
Hey, he comes back from the dead, feeds people his blood, and can only be killed with a piece of wood, how granular we gonna make this classification system?
Viktoria
Both of them object to crosses.
Wraithy2773
It’s why he gets warded off by them, it’s Jesus going “Oh, me, not all that crap again, why does everyone have to remind me of the Romans…”
Reltzik
One gets invoked to make holy water, and the other is vulnerable to it?
Booster97
Well, if there is one thing we learned about vampires in the recent years, it’s that it’s a spectrum.
Needfuldoer
It has to be a spectrum, if it encompasses Dracula, Angel, and Count von Count.
Bicycle Bill
And the Reformed Vampyres of Discworld.
Proxiehunter
And Edward Cullen.
HueSatLight
Bunnicula to The Strain to Ethan Hawk to Colin Robbinson.
Daniel M Ball
How insensitive! You left out Count CHOCULA!!! what do you have against Count Chocula, is he just not good enough for you??
DaveM
And Count Duckula, can’t forget him.
Laura
Plus Count Chocula!
Daniel M Ball
Laura, you are a being of taste and memory.
Librain
I mean, Vampire lore has been incredibly varied over the years. The original Dracula had a number of traits that most people nowadays would not recognise as being stereotypically vampiric, and Anne Rice’s vampires of 50 years ago are barely even the same species as the vampires from Buffy, less than 20 years later.
Yes, Buffy is over 30 years old now. And the vampires in both movie and series share more in common with Twilight than Dracula.
SDRainbow
There’s a fantasy quartet that starts with LIBRIOMANCER, by Jim Hines, where magic comes out of books to infect the real world. One of the interesting subplots is the various subspecies of vampire, like Sanguinarius Meyerii, aka sparklers – from Twilight.
Schpoonman
Buffy premiered in 1997. Closer to 30 than 20, certainly.
Tan
I believe Librain was including the 1992 film to which the series is technically a sequel
Tan
I feel there are five basic axes to cover the various types of vampires
Blooddrinking: (from ‘tomato juice works’ to ‘can drink animal blood but is weaker for it’ to ‘must drink human blood directly from source’)
Unholy: (from ‘is disavowed by most organized religions’ to ‘holy objects that the wielder believes in will repel’ to ‘burned and can be killed by crosses or holy water’)
Weakness to sunlight: (from ‘sparkles’ to ‘carries a parasol outside during daytime’ to ‘any exposure to sunlight near-instantly turns to ash’)
Mind control: (from ‘lull into a relaxed state’ to ‘paralyze while maintaining eye contact’ to ‘turn into a mindless thrall’)
Bats: (from ‘wears a cape’ to ‘can control bats and possibly fly’ to ‘turns into bat or swarm of bats’)
And then there’s kind of a miscellaneous checklist. Invisible in mirrors? Can’t cross running water? Weak to silver? Need to be invited in? Enmity with werewolves? And so forth
Alongcameaspider
Sarah isn’t yet aware of their relationship status, violence will come once that’s made clear to her
Chaucer59
Don’t be ridiculous. Jesus belongs in the zombie pile.
Maddie B
Only if zombies are lumped together with liches, as they already are with ghouls.
Caspar Mulders
How about a compromise and we just go for the more general “revenant”? Let’s see anyone dispute *that* on a scriptural basis…
Rognik
I mean, you literally have Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, so there’s precident for revenants.
Laura
Yeah, man. That was stinky and gross…
milu
yeah c’mon JC. don’t raise the dead. we all know they come back wrong
HueSatLight
undead invasion in Matthew’s version of the crucifixion story too.
Joshua Kronengold
Nah, no Jewish liches, please; we have enough of that conflation from the actual D&D!
Doctor_Who
I see Sarah subscribes to a “Scoot first, ask questions later” philosophy.
…I’ll see myself out.
Nono
Joe’s decently beefy, right?
Sarah is STRONG.
Doctor_Who
Definitely well over 6 feet in height. I’d say 210-220 lbs easy.
Bicycle Bill
For whatever reason, Sarah has taken on the role of Mama Bear to Joyce (and that was even BEFORE Joyce’s real mother revealed herself to be the arschloch that she was)… and no matter how strong you may be, you don’t mess around with Mama Bear’s cub.
Matthew Davis
I see the “scoot scoot scoot” as Joe helping her, because it seems less confrontational to have Joyce explain than to stand his ground.
Just an Armadillo
I’d believe that, honestly. Joe is smart enough to not want to be in the room when the boyfriend conversation inevitable happens. Or just be around Sarah in general after all the times he’s been a pain in the ass for kicks.
Da Boy
Being in the hall gives him headstart if he hears Sarah scream his name in anger.
DashWallkick
I was gonna say, shoutouts to Sarah for having enough muscle to drag him out, that’s impressive, Joe’s gotta be like 190+
Bogeywoman
If he was not *scoot scoot*ING I imagine there would be a sizable “URRRRAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHH” from sarah
Daniel M Ball
Nah, it’s that despite his efforts earlier to be a Cad, Joe’s a Gentleman. It might actually be a solid natural defect in his character (cads, aka people without ethics, tend to end up with wealth and power, or power that provides wealth, while Gentlemen usually end up stuck keeping the damned world from collapsing.) He cooperated with Sarah’s efforts because it’s HER room too, and not his.
Sirksome
Sarah’s pretty strong. Maybe top three in physical strength on the DoA power rankings.
Nono
Carla’s probably up there for her ability to carry Jennifer by her shirt.
And then… Ruth? Jacob?
Like in terms of who would win in a fight I’d probably say top three would be Sal/Asher/Amber, though.
Sirksome
Sarah’s done something similar with Jen. It is important to note physical strength isn’t the same as fighting ability. Joe’s easily stronger than Amber but Amber would likely beat him in a fight.
Feats are important though and this counts. We’ll need to see if Carla can move a Joe or similar. Sarah might beat her as of now.
HueSatLight
is it a feat, or is it a rule of funny?
Taffy
How many tons of TNT are needed to move a 6′?” buff guy the length of his own body? How many lightspeeds are in each scoot?
Reltzik
I dunno, I’d say that Ruth has demonstrated more combat ability than Asher.
The Oracle
So far, the only “combat” we’ve seen Asher in was when Walky decked him and he decided not to retaliate. Definitely not enough to judge his capabilities in an actual fight.
Decidedly Orthogonal
No, but don’t discount that we’ve seen he can take a punch (even if said punch was potentially from a glass fist.)
Amós Batista
I only remember Jacob being big, not using strength.
Somebody has said not necessary big muscle means more strength.
kraenieldamage
He carried Joyce that one time, but we do not know how impressive a feat that is.
Miri
Dina can climb a Joe, and also take down Amber (although in fairness after Amber sets herself up for it and with her not fighting back), plus has the guts to face down her girlfriend’s furious, gun-toting dad and bite him (during the first abduction). She can rip through multiple layers of denim with her teeth (converting Amber’s dungarees to jeans). There’s her invisibility power, door teleportation ability…
She pretty much only fights to defend dinosaurs and loved ones, so probably wouldn’t take part in a fighting competition to satisfy our curiosity – but I’m not sure we can entirely rule her out as a contender!
John Campbell
I dunno, are we counting minor characters like Galasso and Jacob?
wwwhhattt
Galasso does not fight. He has minions for that
NickG
He may have ninjas at his disposal.
Sirksome
This is a good point but the problen with trying to scale someone like Galasso is that he doesn’t have enough appearances to analyze his feats. Comic always trumps speculation. All we really know for him is that he’s tall and fears Becky’s god. That tells me Becky would likely win the matchup through wits. I haven’t read Shortpacked it Galasso has done impressive stuff there or actually has access to ninjas let me know.
Jacob is similar, we just haven’t seen much from him. We do know he works out. We’ve seen it. That does a lot to put him over others for physical strength at least. Combat ability, stealth, magic or super powers, intelligence, skills still leave a lot to be desired.
Nono
Also take your bets on who’s disapproving more of Joe/Joyce, Sarah or Dorothy (initially)
Bruno
Sarah not only hates Joe, but she’s opposed to all forms of human joy.
Reltzik
Not so! She delights in schadenfreude!
Mturtle7
My bet: Sarah will be louder about it, but Dorothy will quietly disapprove more.
HueSatLight
I think Sarah disapproves of Joe more than Dorothy does. Dorothy’s disapproval has a jealously component. Joe has a knack and reflex to piss Sarah off.
I think she’ll disapprove of them dating, but really despise the most that there will be more Joe in her life.
Leorale
re alt text: “There’s nothing wrong with pregnant Sonic!!”
…somebody please find that cursèd music video
UrsulaDavina
Very restrained of Sarah, for now, until she finds out Joyce and Joe are dating.
Also what is her workout routine beacuse I imagine Joe is 200+ lbs mostly muscle and Sarah dragged him like an empty cardboard box.
Devin
Her workout routine is primarily rage, supplemented with a healthy amount of spite.
Mark
And that bat.
Mr. Random
Now I’m just picturing that series of pictures of the Shortpacked! crew doing the kneeling which was a reference to something that Willis explained, but I can’t really remember.
Just that even in non-canon drawings, Leslie would rather rip her own arms off than participate.
sultryglebe
Maybe the fake Calvin drawings?
Regalli
It tended to be Sonic the Hedgehog characters because 1) Sonic attracts some particularly odd fanart subtypes, and 2) Sonic is very cool to kids, and largely acceptable to the kind of Christian parents who would restrict kids’ media options evidently, but then the kids need to make him Explicitly Christian for their particularly sheltered worldview and so, Sonic kneeling at the cross fanart.
However, it was by no means EXCLUSIVE to Sonic, as I remember.
Amós Batista
I wonder why Sonic is so on verge on cringe. After reading your comment, maybe Sonic is so on verge of everthing.
Jed!
Christian (I assume Evangelical) teens drawing fictional characters worshipping Jesus is a real phenomenon, mostly on Deviantart. I think it was a reference to that general thing, but also specifically the Sonic stuff because Sonic fanart is its own weird thing.
Mr. Random
It’s its own weird MANY things.
Amós Batista
It’s rule 34, but all reversed.
DailyBrad
I do sometimes forget Joyce was into Twilight.
NGPZ
Hehehe sonic ?
BTW thanks to everyone who shared healing music yesterday, much appreciated all of it ?
RassilonTDavros