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Step machine
Posted on November 27, 2017 by David M Willis
It's the holiest of Western holidays today, CYBER MONDAY! To help celebrate this festive day-of-days, if you use the code "CYBERMONDAY" (no space) for any order in my online store for the duration of today, Monday, November 27, 2017, you get 10% off your order! Huzzah!  This code works for anything: books, magnets, the works.  Offer expires Monday at midnight California time. (note: code only works for the online store linked above -- just remembered i have that second t-shirt store, which does seem to be having a separate sale going on, but my code will not work there)

138 thoughts on “Step machine”

  1. CandidCanid

    Joyce, if your shoes are liable to dirty the machine, what of all the other people who didn’t remove their shoes? That stuff’s all over your socks by now, oops.

    1. Shiro

      Don’t tell her that, then we’ll have her passing out from broken toe pain AND deep existential horror

      1. CleverTrousers

        Joyce isn’t going to have a broken bone if for no reason other than that six weeks in a cast is going to be another five years irl.

        1. ANeM

          If it’s a toe (and not a particularly bad break) she would only need a splint, which could be worn under her shoes.

          I broke two toes when I was around Joyce’s age. I tripped over my own foot and the two toes curled under my foot as I was trying to regain my balance. I put my weight down on that foot and the toes just snapped.

          The doctor just taped them up with what amounts to popsicle sticks to keep them straight and I was told to use crutches if I found it difficult to walk without them.

        2. weirderthanweird

          I’ve broken a couple of toes before and I never even used a splint. That might be why some of my toes are crooked…

        3. Andrew_C

          I’ve broken toes multiple times and also just used tape. Only time I actually went to a doctor about it was the time I dropped a (thankfully small) weight training weight on my left foot and broke 2 toes, including the big toe, but he also just taped them up.

        4. smparadox

          My wife has been breaking toes her entire life, and they no longer splint them. She no longer bothers going to a clinic for broken toes any more.

        5. David

          Where do the people attached to the toes go, though?

        6. Kamino Neko

          Broken toes don’t get casts. The splints ANeM mentions are even a bit excessive most of the time. I’ve broken my toe several times…just being careful is fine.

    2. Doctor_Who

      She won’t go into the shower barefoot, but she thinks a machine people get all sweaty and smelly on should be touched with bare feet?

      1. Lingo

        She’s wearing socks.

    3. AnvilPro

      And blood. Blood will probably be all over her socks now.

      1. Danni

        goodbye socks

      2. Reltzik

        Nope, those socks are still white.

        …… aaaaaaaand not going to explore that potential metaphor further.

        1. Inahc

          yeah, a crushed toe is less likely to bleed and more likely to make the nail go purple and slowly fall off. 🙂 I’m glad mine happened at an age when the grossness was cool.

        2. Danni

          had the toenail fall off because i was stupid enough to wear sandals. i was 20.

        3. ruhrow

          Toenails falling off was a common thing in the sport I played. Pretty much every tournament had at least one person lose an entire nail (usually after a season of sporting it completely bruised under), or at the very least peel the skin from the sole of their foot in one complete piece. You learned to recognize the stages of irritation, from ‘everything is pissed off’ to ‘this will feel better if I wiggle a pocket knife around under there until I find the small patch of remaining healthy tissue anchoring it and just *snick*’

          I once thought that I had horrible toe fungus in only a single nail, only it didn’t respond to any treatments I launched at it. Fortunately, turned out that I’d killed the nail without obvious bruising, and an entire new nail had grown in underneath…just had to loosen the old one so it fell off, leaving a fresh new nail almost fully grown in its place!

          Sandals have never done that for me, the only sandal-related toe injuries I had were the times I cracked my nails in half…which is way worse, bleeds like a mf and way more painful (but recovers quicker, at least!)

        4. Goshii

          I should have stopped reading this comment chain… Its full of ouch and cringe and OMG WHY DID I KEEP READING

    4. Needfuldoer

      Aren’t the shoes brand new? They probably haven’t even been worn outdoors yet.

      1. Needfuldoer

        (My point is they’re not going to make the machine dirty.)

  2. Ana Chronistic

    shoes in the bath

    no shoes on the exercise machine

    seems legit

    1. AutobotDen

      Oh, trust me. College showers are NASTY. Flip flops are required.

      1. Ana Chronistic

        she was wearing MILK JUG SHOES tho

    2. CandidCanid

      Bath? Pfft, Joyce hasn’t used a bath tub in months, at least. And knowing her, she would never willingly sit in water surrounded by her own filth. She’d want it all rinsed down the drain of course.

      1. HeySo

        Bathroom, not bathtub, silly- I mean, the flipflops would flip flop her right over if she wore them into a bathtub!

    3. Iforgetwhatiputhere

      Well, see, there’s too much narrativium in that gym… That stuff’s a devil to clean out, and it’ll cost ya.

  3. Shiro

    Okay, this is a genuinely sweet moment.

  4. Derek

    Joyce why? why would you think that?

    1. Liliet

      it probably looks clean and nice

  5. Stephen Bierce

    *plays the Jackson 5’s “Dancing Machine” on the hacked Muzak*

    1. Remmington Steele

      followed by Eddie Cochran’s Three Steps to Heaven https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxj–MkqACY

    2. Remmington Steele

      and Dick van Dyke Step in Time https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4I-b_GJ4ltk

  6. Passchendaele

    (or is it a waffle? dun dun dunnnnn)

    1. Passchendaele

      I have to imagine she’s been using the machine for a couple minutes, or this would’ve happened sooner (machines can be nasty if you’re not paying attention to them).

  7. ValdVin

    Whatever she did, it didn’t rise beyond “Omigosh” level. That suggests she’ll be okay.

    1. Danni

      her feet are probably just sore.

    2. CandidCanid

      She said “omigosh” out of surprise, before she hurt herself. Now she’s literally crying.

      1. ValdVin

        Yep, I read it wrong. Time to see what other words she will allow herself above Dangit and below “Toedad kidnaps Becky at gunpoint”.

        Somewhere in her family I am sure “Cheese and crackers got all muddy” was taught.

        1. Pat

          She still asked Joe why he was yelling before commenting on her injury. That’s probably good.

      2. Danni

        okay, shes definitely in pain. ice, then a heating pad.

        1. ValdVin

          “RICE” may be called for.

          (With meatballs on the top, because she’s a big girl now.)

      3. Egg

        To be fair, sometimes I think I swear more for small things than for more serious ouches. I got gouged by a protruding screw once — like there was literally a piece of me on the floor afterwards, I didn’t realize what it was and then picked it up and was utterly grossed out — and at the time I don’t think I even swore at all, just slowly and silently moved out of harm’s way so that I could examine the wound and clean it.

    3. Abel Undercity

      Agreed. I would expect a stream of invective.

      Well, Joyce-invective: FUDGE! FUDGING SUGAR GOSHDARN POOPY!

  8. Danni

    joyce! start small! then build up!

  9. Black

    Joyce needs years of serious psychological help for her various neurosis…

    1. Shiro

      She could probably use therapy for the attempted rape and the best-friend-kidnapping much more than a couple fastidious quirks.

  10. AnvilPro

    They’re so perfect for each other

    1. Reltzik

      If by perfect for each other you mean “want exactly opposite things out of relationships”, then yes.

      … fine, I friend-ship it.

      1. timemonkey

        We don’t actually know what Joe wants out of a relationship, he’s never had one in the comic.

        1. dralou

          He doesn’t want a relationship to begin with, so… yeah, the opposite of Joyce who, at the beginning, ptetty much went to the university to find Mr Right and learn enough to educate their kids by herself.

          Gee, that was so long ago. She definitely isn’t in that mindset anymore, but I don’t think she totally gave up on the idea of finding there the right man to share the remainder of her life.

  11. Keulen

    If you don’t exercise at all then you won’t hurt yourself using exercise machines incorrectly.

    1. Reltzik

      Speaking from experience, this is a false assumption.

      (For the record, exercise machines make lousy and unstable box-storage platforms.)

      1. ValdVin

        …but fine laundry hanging apparatus.

  12. nlips

    Time for Jacob to carry her to the nurse… with those big muscley arms… and maybe just a little bit of Florence Nightingale Syndrome.

    1. Wright

      Interesting that it’s Joe who rushes to her aid, though.

      1. CoMa

        Well – it seems kinda legit, as he was the one calling out to her in the first place, meaning he watched her directly hurting herself. So he ‘should’ be the first one to react. Doesn’t mean Jacob won’t, after he realises what’s going on. Though I doubt anyone will carry Joyce anywhere – even though I’d love to see something like that. (it would remind me of the good old days I read too much shojo mangas)

        1. Roborat

          So, what do you think, will she be carried on his back, or princess style?

          I may also read far too much manga.

        2. CoMa

          🙂 One cannot read too much manga- and if so, you should throw some Anime in between XD

          Well, my shojo manga-imprinted heart wants her to be carried princess style, the more rational part of me just wants her to be helped (possibly lending a shoulder, with her jumping on her non-injured foot).

  13. tirachokko

    *whatever noises boats make* all aboard the (possibly unhealthy) Joyce x Joe ship

    1. tirachokko

      ngl I still love that Joyce got with Walky in the walkyverse but thinks he’s gross here in the dumbiverse also 10/10 thought walkyverse was proof joycexjoe had potential

    2. miina

      Brrrrrr brrrrrrrrrp

      My best attempt at foghorn. I ship it

      1. Roborat

        I thought he talked with more of a southern accent.

    3. Deanatay

      Our SS Joece is a coal-powered cruise ship. We may pollute the air and the water, but we leave the pollution behind us – for the people ON the ship, it’s perfectly healthy!

      1. Deanatay

        (The crew – I’m the purser – sometimes refer to it as the ‘SS BrownRosen’, because it sounds like ‘brown-nosing’.)

  14. Thulcandran

    Excercise conquistadora!

    …this is why you go for the first time when the room’s at least a little crowded, and watch non-creepily before jumping in.

    1. Deanatay

      This is why you always start exercising with a ‘native guide’ – someone who’s been there before, and knows how all the machines work.

  15. DailyBrad

    Joe probably hasn’t taken his eyes off of her much since she got there, and judging by this, that was probably prudent

    1. Needfuldoer

      Partly because she’s completely inexperienced with exercise equipment that can injure you if you’re not careful, but also because she’s adorable in her fitness getup.

  16. SalmonMax

    What’s really gonna bake your noodle later is, would she still have crushed her foot if Joe hadn’t said anything?

    …have another cookie.

    1. Lingo

      She’s cute … but not too bright.

      1. Fart Captor

        She’s very bright, actually. She’s just very sheltered and doesn’t have a lot of experience to draw upon to help her avoid making mistakes like this one.

        That a good portion of her brain was focused on beefcake and trying to look like she knew what she was doing weren’t helping either.

        1. Songbird

          @Fart Captor
          They were making a Matrix reference. 😀

        2. Songbird

          Crud, I wasn’t sure if it would be clear who I was replying too, but the physical location of my gravatar does make it clear, making my @username bit unnecessary. Whoops

        3. Fart Captor

          oic. Sleepy brain did not pick up the reference. It’s been years since I’ve seen it

        4. Reltzik

          Huh? What? Sorry, I was looking at the woman in the red dress.

        5. StClair

          Freeze it.

    2. Bast

      As you say Oracle.

  17. Tacos

    Child, don’t you know how dirty those machines are already? Covered is other people’s sweat and whatnot. Plus who knows when was the last time they were cleaned.

  18. Some Random Name

    It is weird that she took her shoes off. I mean, realistically, she would know that everyone else didn’t so she shouldn’t either.

    1. Fart Captor

      Except she’s never been to a gym before and neither of the other two people in the room with her are using one of the machines you put your feet on, even if that were a guarantee that she’d notice it

  19. Ainara

    Imagine how much worse gyms would smell if people took their shoes off. Brrrr

    1. Deathjavu

      I have a friend that takes off their shoes to deadlift.

      I think they’re crazy, but eh. Tbf their shoes are not ideal for lifting.

      1. Inahc

        yeah, squats and deadlifts it can make sense, but proper lifting shoes are preferable.

  20. Inahc

    And this is why you don’t interrupt someone mid-set unless the danger of *not* interrupting them is somehow even higher. Wait for her to stop, *then* give her the safety lecture.

    1. CoMa

      Exactly! Or like, don’t call out from behind to ANYONE doing some kind of exercise, especially if it’s not something that’ll be paused soon (as in using cardio exercise machines). The best would have been for him to walk normally to her, and talking to her from the front, so that she wouldn’t turn around.

      1. DSL

        This comic ain’t called: “People entering young adulthood making the logical and proper decisions.”

        1. CoMa

          Yeah I know 🙂 (this is why it is a blast to read it and follow ensuing discussions in the comment section) – I just wanted to, as a follow-up to Inhac’s comment, point out how it’d be good to approach this situation in real life.
          (as I don’t consider sport injuries lightly. I had to experience an operation because of one about a year ago, and it even just was a ‘light’ injury).

      2. Annika

        I agree completely! Great advice, CoMa :3
        Yelling at someone from behind while they’re on an exercise machine just seems like a recipe for disaster.

  21. mister gray

    I know Joyce is leaning more towards Jacob but I still ship Joe and Joyce.

    1. Buli-Buli

      I don’t know if they ought to date, but they are great for each others development as functional adults.

  22. JessWitt

    Astounding logic, Joyce.

    On another note, her eyes seem really blue today. Must be the tears.

  23. Bagge

    The path of the fitness conquistador is hard and filled by dangers.

    1. ValdVin

      “The path to fitness conquistador begins with a single ste–OW GOSHDANGIT ROWRBAZZLE DAGNAB FRICKIN CHEESES!”

      1. Bagge

        *slowclap*

  24. newllend(henryvolt)

    Hey don’t give up Joyce keep working that step machine and you’ll and you’ll get Jacob’s attention in no time or you get buns of Steel which might also work, most men like a girl with a good butt on them.

  25. NinjaNick

    Hope her toe isn’t broken.

    1. Pablo360

      Now she’ll never eulogistically undulate again.

  26. BenRG

    Plaster cast, Joyce; Joyce, plaster cast. Get used to each other, you two. You’ll be spending lots of time together over the next month!

    Seriously, though, this is not the first time we’ve had an indicator that Joyce is mildly neurotic about these things. Remember how she reacts to the communal showers? This is basically an extension of the same symptoms that surround her inability to eat foods made of mixed ingredients.

    1. Liliet

      yea def
      (JOYCE IS AUTISTIC SHE IS SENSITIVE TO TEXTURES. AND RULES AND ROUTINES ARE MUCH EASIER TO ORIENT HERSELF BY THAN ACTUALLY PAYING ATTENTION TO HER SURROUNDINGS. THIS IS SO RELATABLE IT HURTS)
      (I am SO JEALOUS of Joyce for being able to walk into unfamiliar situations where this kind of blunder is inevitable with her head held high and exit without having a quiet panic breakdown inside)
      (like damn this girl has NO ANXIETY ISSUES and that is so fucking enviable)

      1. Carms

        No anxiety might be a bit off, she’s down here because she can’t be outside by herself, she panics. That’s an anxiety issue, though it is in response to trauma and not just how her brain works.

        1. timemonkey

          Even her public anxiety seems to have faded since Becky was kidnapped.

        2. thejeff

          And more since Ryan was properly stabbed.

  27. Hari

    I injured myself on a step machine. I broke my ankle. Those things can be dangerous if you don’t know what you are doing.

    1. Roborat

      of course, they have invented these amazing things called stairs. They work quite well and less chance of maiming yourself while exercising. You don’t even have to plug them in.

      1. Socks

        Okay you say that but I have fallen down stairs before, and not even while, like, fatigued from exercising on them. Just, for no reason.

  28. void

    Am I the only one who wants Joe to hug her?

    1. BenRG

      I think that it’s more likely that he’ll carry her, bridal-style to the first aid office. Entirely gentlemanly thing to do that will create a ton of misconceptions, both in-universe AND out here!

    2. Griffin Raynor

      no I also would love to see that.

  29. BBCC

    So, I clearly don’t work out enough but how do you break a toe on a step machine?

    1. CoMa

      The only way I imagine it to have happened (right now) is that she didn’t stop her stepping while turning around, and moving her feet in the same movement, somehow lifting or moving her left foot in a way that it would collide with the other ‘stepping platform’ (in lack for a better term right now, the alternative I’d think of would be pedal, but that doesn’t really fit) or be caught in between the one platform for the left and for the right foot.
      Might also be she didn’t break anything but sprained something, or bruised it. I heard that those can be as hurtful or hurt even more than something being broken (though I wouldn’t really know, I never broke anything, so I can’t really compare one pain with the other, but I imagine it depends on how the injury came to be as well).

    2. BenRG

      She probably accidentally jabbed her toe into the step mechanism and it got crushed between the actuator bar and the top of the gap in the casing.

      1. Kyle Voltti

        Yet I can’t help but think if that’s what happened the shoes might not of helped much.

        1. BenRG

          The shoe would have stopped the toe going into the gap all toghether!

  30. CJ

    You don’t get plaster for a broken toe, do you? Or are doctors more in awe of the big toe and you ge a cast for that? Last time I met anyone with a broken toe, they didn’t get plaster either.

    1. Shiro

      Might not be the same, but for a broken pinkie I got a little metal dude who hugged my finger til the bone healed. Which wasn’t really a hard-and-fast time span, more like “wear this til you feel like it’s not broken anymore”

      1. Reltzik

        It’s kinda the same, except the toe splints are often more like slippers. … slippers with individual toesies.

      2. Warren

        > I got a little metal dude who hugged my finger til the bone healed.

        Now I’m picturing a tiny, naked, metal effigy of Jacob walking up and embracing Joyce’s toe, tenderly kneading the bone back into place. Five weeks later, she still insists that her toe hasn’t healed yet.

  31. Jordan

    Joyce you dork…

    If you don’t know what you’re doing with a machine, ASK.

    1. StClair

      But that would reveal that she’s not “totally down with the fitness, yo”.

      1. Reltzik

        Obviously she’s down with the fitness. The fitness is in the basement and she’s down there with it.

    2. BenRG

      That’s the thing: This had nothing to do with Joyce knowing how to safely operate the machine; she was pretty sure she knew that. This was basically caused by Joyce’s mild neurosis about dirt and other people’s germs (and, as we see here, not giving her germs to other people).

  32. TristanXD6

    I really want to give Joyce a hug right now…

    1. chris73

      Pretty sure Joe, though he wouldn’t admit it, probably wants to hug her as well

  33. Lieutenant Dan

    Next two words of the alt-text:
    “…to draw”

    1. Paul

      Holy crap. Is that what a steppy-thing looks like?

      Back in my day a ‘steppy-thing’ was a step. You stepped up onto it, then you stepped back down. Repeat.

  34. Trolldrool

    The dialogue here kind of reads like a bizarre condom advertisement. If we presume the word condom is outlawed and the word shoe has to be used to circumvent weird conservative laws. And if we presume one party has been mislead to believe the use of condoms increases the chance of catching an STD.

    Hmmm, this needed more premises to work than I expected. Maybe I should avoid reading DoA 30 minutes after waking up.

  35. AdrienR

    I’d like to point out that it was Joe who was watching Joyce enough to see she’s taken her shoes off and became concerned. For someone who claims he’s completely uninterested in her, he sure pays her a lot of attention.

    1. timemonkey

      She’s his friend and he knows she has no idea what she’s doing?

      1. Kole

        everyone knows dudes only pay attention to girls they LIKElike

  36. JBento

    In Trump’s Soviet Russiamerica, machine steps you.

  37. chris73

    A painful lesson for Joyce but hopefully she’ll learn from it…maybe

    1. Reltzik

      Definitely.

      ….

      The problem is WHAT she might learn from it.

  38. Griffin Raynor

    she’s very tiny.

  39. Roborat

    For someone who doesn’t like drawing exercise machines, you sure are drawing a lot of them.

    1. SgtWadeyWilson

      He doesn’t like drawing plaid either, but…

  40. some guy

    Yelling dodge is more distracting than helpful

  41. Opus the Poet

    Currently dealing with a broken toe with nothing more than “sturdy shoes” to treat it.

    1. PB

      I think that works better for smaller toes than the big toe, if experience serves me correctly.

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