143

Unicorns
Posted on December 5, 2012 by David M Willis
Joyce uses the New International Version, thank you very much.  The NIV's been outselling the KJV since more than a decade before Joyce was born.  Rest your links, folks.

143 thoughts on “Unicorns”

  1. licoricepencil

    Speaking as a current college student, yes.

    1. Vincent

      I remember the housing I lived in had a rule that you had to clean out the hair after showering, so I was spared the hair clumps of others.

      1. ROC

        How was that enforced?

        1. Vincent

          It wasn’t. There was a note which reminded people of the rule.

        2. Vincent

          To be fair, it wasn’t 100% successful. But mostly.

  2. Jen Aside

    …now she’ll be looking for a stall with unicorn hair?

    1. narmenduke

      Free ingredients for Potions class!

  3. Plasma Mongoose

    But, but unicorns do exist… right?

    1. AngryBamboo

      According to north Korea, yes and I see no reason for them to lie to us.

      1. Mkvenner

        that is not funny. try again.

        1. Aizat

          According to China, yes and I don’t see any reason for them to lie to us. There, how’s that?

        2. Plasma Mongoose

          I am much relieved, if you cant trust China, who can you trust?

        3. AngryBamboo

          I for one welcome our new Chinese overlords and have been practicing my mandarin for just that reason. Capitalism and free enterprise are overrated anyway, amirite?

        4. Plasma Mongoose

          You do realise that China is a capitalist country, it’s only run by communists who learnt thatwhen it comes to making money, capitalism >>> communism.

        5. AngryBamboo

          Its all good

        6. Dr.Z

          Deng Xiaoping actually sold them on Capitalism by calling it “Communism with Chinese traits.”

          No joke. That man was cleaver.

          ‘Course he also stopped a second “Great Leap Forward,” saving his country from another round of massive famine.

        7. Jetstream

          “Boy, I’m from the FUTURE. Move to CHINA.”

        8. Yotomoe

          I’m from the future. too. Move to mars. Cowboy Bebop happens.

        9. Andrusi

          I’m from the future, and I know a lot about history.

        10. Chronos

          I’m from the distant future, and I’ve determined that the universe will face a catastrophe unless you all buy copious amounts of diapers and taco meat.

        11. turkishproverb

          I”m from the not-too-distant future, and I have to tell you that if China is related to The Castle of Fu Manchu, you can’t trust it.

        12. GrrArg42

          I’m from the future. We ran out of paper plates. Can you bring some? Thanks!

        13. The Other Mike

          I’m from the not too distant future. Next Sunday AD, to be precise.

    2. Dibullba

      Why yes… yes they do!!!

      1. Groove

        I can’t help but smile at that avatar and how well timed it is

      2. Compulsive Collector

        Love it.

      3. Noel Schornhorst

        Totally read that in Twilight’s voice!

    3. Dr.Z

      They are in the Bible. 🙂

      (And they are probably a reference to rhinos.)

    4. Ryan

      The Bible thinks they do.

      http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%2039:9%E2%80%9312&version=KJV

      Bastion of rational thought and intelligence that it is.

      1. Nee Hou

        Look up unicorn in wikipedia, then read the part about “monoceros” and “re’em” in that article.
        The Bbile reference is to the aurochs (Bos primigenius), which was commonly refered to as “monoceros” which was translated into Latin as uni-corn.
        As if Atheism is a “Bastion of rational thought and intelligence” with all they accomplished in the 20th Century: Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Castro, Polpot, etc.

    5. Hinoron

      To be perfectly fair, one doesn’t need to be a creationist to not believe in unicorns.
      Of course one can’t expect a devote Christian to believe in a magical being of pure light who only likes virgins and can heal with a touch and waitaminute…

  4. Cthulhu's Intern

    But North Koreans do.

  5. Luke

    What about hair clumps FROM unicorns?

    1. Yotomoe

      What about hair clumps in the SHAPE of unicorns?

      1. Luke

        Or hair clumps that SMELL like unicorns?

        1. Aizat

          Unicorn’s smell? Do you even know what a unicorn smells like?

        2. Luke

          They smell like the souls of little girls. Unicorns are devious bastards.

        3. Aizat

          I thought those are Dark Pegascorn.

        4. Luke

          No. Those smell like the bowels of Hell.

        5. vlademir1

          Isn’t that essentially the same thing? 😀

        6. Luke

          Are you insinuating that the souls of children go to the bowels of Hell, or am I missing something here?

        7. Aizat

          Not exactly, a Pegascorn is a spawn of a Unicorn and Pegasus.

        8. begbert2

          And here I thought that pegascorn was what you got when a pegasus really didn’t respect you.

  6. Yotomoe

    God created all mythological horse beasts equal.

    1. Aizat

      Well, except for Centaurs.

      1. AngryBamboo

        George Bush doesn’t care about centaur people.

        1. Aizat

          George Bush only cares about giving the world a COMPLETE….GLOBAL….CASTRATION.

        2. Crumplepunch

          You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

        3. Andrusi

          What, “cares”?

        4. Nee Hou

          No, that would be Dr. Pianka.

  7. R0gue

    You’re thinking of Koreans Sarah, not creationists

  8. Doctor_Who

    Ha, I lucked out! Our dorms had their own bathrooms with showers, so I only had to deal with my and my roommate’s hair! He he left halfway through senior year to join the Air Force! So then I had my own shower!

    My oooowwwwnnn shooooooowwwwwweeeerrrr!!!!

  9. David Herbert

    Why would she want to shower with a unicorn?

    1. Yotomoe

      …why wouldn’t she?

      1. Aizat

        Unlike in fiction, Unicorns hate humans due to the fact that humans once hunted them to near extinction. Or so I’ve been told.

        1. Yotomoe

          The phrases Unlike in fiction and unicorn being used in the same sentence pretty much contradicts itself.

        2. Raoullefere

          Not really. You just have to translate ‘unicorn’ to ‘rhinoceros.’ Oh, and maybe remove that ‘once.’

        3. Andrusi

          Are you suggesting that humans have hunted rhinoceroses to extinction at least twice?

        4. begbert2

          To near extinction. It’s possible.

          And when I first typed that it came out ‘rear extinction’, which would be totally different.

        5. Waywardcross

          Have you ever had unicorn meat? It’s like a steak made of cotton candy, it’s amazing.

    2. AngryBamboo

      You sir, clearly have no wonder in your heart.

    3. Jade

      Their horn would help wash the part between your shoulders where you can’t reach, obviously 😀

    4. begbert2

      It’s probably bad that the first thing that instantly leapt to my mind was that that a showering girl could put that horn to…other purposes.

      1. Xydux

        No, of course not!

        What’s bad is that I didn’t think of it until you brought it up, and now I need new pants.

  10. Wonder Wig

    I would think unicorns would be easier to explain through creationism than evolution, since wacky holly magic seems more likely than a common narwhal/horse ancestor.

    1. TSED

      They’re both mammals, for one, so their common ancestor isn’t THAT far removed period. On top of thta, they have “relatively” “recent” common ancestors, given that whales evolved from proto-horses.

      1. L.K. Crocuta

        While whales are descended from hooved animals, their ancestors were artiodactyls (even-toed ungulates) rather than perissodactyls (odd-toed ungulates) like horse.

  11. Aizat

    Unicorns? I’d be lucky if one of the stalls have a Sasquatch in it.

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      That would explain the hair though…

      1. Yotomoe

        Also it’d be mad uncomfortable.

        1. Raoullefere

          And smelly. Ain’t nothing raise a stink like a wet sasquatch.

    2. Effie

      As long as Sasquatch is still in there and hasn’t left you hair in the drain. That’s be a LOT of hair

    3. TPman

      Actually Sasquatches are quite common, in the men’s showers at least. I wouldn’t consider you lucky to run into one though.

  12. 3DSarge

    Methinks Joyce protests too much…

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      She’s totally a closet unicorn fan.

      1. Raoullefere

        There are unicorns in the closet?

    2. DudeMyDadOwnsADealership

      Joyce: “But I’m THE Little Girl!”

  13. Mkvenner

    some do.

  14. Avi

    I hate to nitpick, David, but creationists actually specifically DO believe in unicorns. Source: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%2039:9%E2%80%9312&version=KJV

    1. David

      I was a creationist for twenty years, and I’m pretty sure I actually specifically didn’t. Not all creationists use King James.

      1. begbert2

        I love to nitpick, but he didn’t say ALL creationists believe in unicorns. And there are a whole metric buttload of creationists that *do* use the King James. It’s sort of the going thing for those who think that god dictated to the ancient Jews in english. It’s certainly what I assumed Joyce was using.

        This is not to say that all those people have any idea what is *in* their bible, of course, and many of them judiciously pick which parts to carefully ignore, so unicorn beliefs may not be rampant. But still.

      2. Tomas

        Teach the controversy.

    2. Thought

      I am mildly conflicted about nitpicking, but your source is a link to a biblical passage, not a website listing Creationist beliefs. That’s like referencing Job 9:6 as proof that Creationists believe that the earth is supported by pillars floating in space. Hermeneutics is just as important for understanding how other people interpret a text as it is for interpreting it yourself.

  15. JoeMerl

    “Unicorns went extinct when they missed Noah’s ark I mean GAWSH don’t you know anything?!”

    1. Aizat

      They’re still around. Lurking in the shadows, plotting the downfall of mankind. Or so I’ve been told.

    2. DudeMyDadOwnsADealership

      Someone listens to The Irish Rovers…But yeah, that’s what happened. One stupid move was all it took.

    3. petsinwinter

      I heard Noah wouldn’t let them on, but I never read the bible

  16. George

    Joyce’s next line: It’s just a me thing!

    1. Aizat

      Joyce’s other line: I’ve seen a unicorn killing a clown when I was 5.

      1. Aizat

        Cue flashback of 5 year old Joyce seeing a person in a unicorn costume beating up a clown.

  17. GeekRyuu

    But what would Princess Celestia’s hair look like in the shower? Seriously. Twilight Sparkle I could see, but Celestia’s hair constantly sparkles and moves in its very own eldritch wind.

    1. Somewhere, Definitely

      I knew one your vile ilk would rear one of your misshapen neon colored heads. Just because unicorns were mentioned doesn’t mean it has anything to do with that stupid show OR your weird fetish for it. You sicken me. I’m sickened. This is my SICKENED face >:(

      Why do you pony freaks have to ruin everything good? I know nothing is sacred, but come on. Resist the impulse this one time. If there is even a shred of decency in your heart, turn back from the dark and terrible path you now walk. Unicorns are awesome. You are ruining them for other people with your pony bullcrap. Remember when vampires were cool? Yeah. They aren’t anymore. You’re doing the same thing to unicorns. Stop it. Stop it before it’s too late.

      1. Deffo

        …Okay, I knew I shouldn’t do this, and it’s hypocritical and stupid of me to do this, because internet controversy, hateparties, spitefests, bitter back-and-forths with no resolution and so on.

        But if you’re saying that vampires were cool before they were overused and de-threatified…I mean, watered-down versions of unicorns have been used for children’s shows long before the latest incarnation. Wouldn’t they have been made uncool already?

        (…Plus, much like the talk of ruining old franchises with new incarnations — can you really corrupt something old with something new? Does the presence of the new reach back through time and place its tainted finger on the old? I mean, I grew up with commercials for the old My Little Pony pastel-pink sugary-happy dolls on the television. Even if I had that association, I found Terry Pratchett’s version of the unicorn as a stomping, confused, ferocious creature — “just a warhorse with a horn” — terrifying. Even though I associated unicorns with something non-threatening, watered-down and saccharine, I knew the difference between incarnation and incarnation.)

        1. L.K. Crocuta

          Me, whenever the words “horse with a horn” are the main part of the description of unicorns in a work, I groan. I’m old school on how I like unicorns; gotta have cloven hooves, a long, tufted tail and preferably a goatlike beard if the peaceful sort or huge, ideally with feet like an elephant if the vicious sort.

      2. Groove

        I must have missed when unicorns were cool. I mean yes, they have always been beloved of pretty princesses everywhere, but I don’t think my little pony is doing any damage to that image.

      3. Andy

        I’m sorry, but your logic contains a vital flaw: vampires are never not cool. If they’re not cool, then clearly they’re not actually vampires.

        There was another flaw in your logic, too. Namely, that where you expected anyone to give a crap about your outrage that someone dares like something you don’t.

        1. begbert2

          I’m not quite sure how to reconcile my disapproval of your use of the No True Scotsman fallacy, and my wholehearted agreement.

        2. Andy

          Meh. The only part of my post that was actually serious was the second half. Disapprove all you want.

        3. Marcos Dantas.

          It’s not a No True Scotsman. One of the defining characteristics of a vampire is that they are restless dead.
          Dead bodies are cool.

          Huh, unless they have recently feed. In that case, they are warm

        4. TSED

          The flaw in your logic is that you think that vampires were ever cool.

          I’ve been exposed to Anne Rice’s movie adaptations. I’ve been exposed to VtM games. I’ve been forced to read Dracula for upper level English classes, and I’ve watched the ancient film adaptations there of.

          Vampires were never cool. They’re an incredibly ham-handed symbol that’s supposed to showcase the potential depravity of mankind (plus some fears of androgyny slash bisexuality slash women empowerment), and writers without any talent cling to them on account of how they can’t actually make a convincing story involving those themes with subtle symbols.

        5. begbert2

          You make many good points. (Seriously, Orlock. Yeah.) But the counterargument is that in the aftermath of the
          introduction of sparkly Mary Sue wimpires (and with the introduction of Renesyou’vegottobekiddingmee, wimpheres), all prior vampires are made retroactively cooler by comparison. And given what they’re being compared to, that makes them a LOT cooler, even objectively speaking.

        6. Andy

          Really? I thought modern vampires were an amalgam of various Eastern European myths regarding various monsters that are similar to what we think of as a vampire.

          Seriously, vampires are kinda the same as zombies or the werewolves/ Yeah, you can use/interpret them as symbols of whatever if you really feel like it. Or you can sit back and go “Ooh, monster tearing people to shreds…fun!” If you’d rather do the former, fine, but I much prefer the latter.

      4. Jackson

        I honestly can’t tell if this is a parody of rabid anti-Bronies, or if it’s the actual real thing.

        1. begbert2

          You really can’t tell? (“You sicken me. I’m sickened. This is my SICKENED face.”)

        2. Andy

          To be fair, rabid anti-bronies are like militant vegans, men’s right’s activists, and various other groups who like to use lots of yelling to get their point across. You can parody them, but it’ll always be hard to tell the parody apart from the real thing, because the real thing is just so crazy.

      5. GeekRyuu

        Damn. Someone missed a nap, huh?

        Plus, it’s clearly not a Robot Unicorn. After all, it’d rust and short out. That would suck.

    2. zach

      Please ignore the trolls. I do wish unicorns could go back to impaling people as war horses though. I love plenty of stupid shows, like Highlander, and the Power Puff Girls.

      1. GeekRyuu

        The only unicorn I remember impaling people as a war horse was Jewel the Unicorn in The Last Battle.

        …did I miss something awesome?

    3. Andrusi

      It would look like something the Enterprise would have to shut down by reconfiguring the main deflector dish to emit an inverse tachyon pulse.

      1. GeekRyuu

        Whilst they balance a neutrino field inside a can of peas?

        …hold onto to Geordi’s visor and sing into Data’s knee.

    4. sidhe3141

      For that matter, how do the non-unicorns get their hair looking so nice without hands?

  18. Kensou

    Memories of cleaning shower drains of women’s hair when I was working in hotels… *shudder*

  19. Kernanator

    She probably believes in sea-bears, too.

    1. Resne

      Get the fuck in the circle, this is no joking matter.

      1. Aizat

        Whatever you do, don’t screech like a chimpanzee.

        1. petsinwinter

          never, ever ever, aaah!

    2. Yotomoe

      Sea Bears aren’t real…but Man-Bear-Pig is.

      1. Roborat

        Really? Are you cereal?

        1. Yotomoe

          super super cereal.

  20. Speck

    http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%2039:9%E2%80%9312&version=KJV

  21. Eisen

    Even if it’s a bad translation of ‘wild ox” the King James version of the Bible mentions unicorn. So it depends on which Bible she uses. 😉

    In addition to Job 39:9–10, the unicorn is mentioned in Numbers 23:22, 24:8; Deuteronomy 33:17; Psalm 22:21, 29:6, 92:10; Isaiah 34:7.

    1. begbert2

      Hey now, that is an awesome translation of ‘wild ox’!

  22. Bill Murphy

    Why not believe in unicorns?
    You still believe in hairless shower stalls. 😛

  23. Skyboatpilot

    Everything that could be said about unicorns has been said. I’m gonna take a different approach to this.

    SARAH WEARS MAKE-UP TO SHOWER

    1. GeekRyuu

      Maybe she’s one of those people that, like, permanently has it tattooed on to save time?

      Personally, the thought of letting someone THAT CLOSE to my face with a tattoo needle leaves me flailing, screaming, and hiding in the corner clutching one of my old Care Bear stuffies for comfort, but Sarah’s made of far sterner stuff than I.

  24. andrew

    i thought there where unicorns in the bible

  25. Anna in Indiana

    If she doesn’t believe in unicorns, then that should make the appearance of one in the shower even *less* likely than if she did believe in them. It only makes Sarah’s point better!

    1. Andrusi

      No, no. Sarah is worried that Joyce does believe in in unicorns, which would weaken her point.

  26. begbert2

    Hey now Joyce, if you’re inclined to believe in creationism you’ve pretty much eliminated any reason *not* to believe in unicorns, since God could have created anything so why not horny horses too? So you can’t blame Sarah for wondering.

    1. Ragnal

      Horny horses…*snicker*

  27. Alain

    Someone should tell her to use the really big communal shower in the women’s locker room at the gym. Those big showers usually have a central drain and it’s easy to step around it, far from it.

  28. Bill_Wa

    http://www.glennbeck.com/2012/12/04/north-korea%E2%80%99s-shocking-find-ancient-unicorn-lair/
    Like him or not, this bit from a recent Glenn Beck show is funny. And on Topic.

    1. Dr.Z

      HEY!

      You can’t talk about Conservatives online without being irrationally hateful & slanderous toward them.

      Now call him a racist & a birther before I call the internet police on you!

      1. Andy

        Unless, of course, you ARE a conservative!

        Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of a conservative party?

        1. Marcos Dantas.

          Conservatives’ parties are boooriiiing.

        2. Dr.Z

          There we go! That’s the spirit.

          Now do it with more hate.

  29. Jackson

    True story: my mother believed that dragons were real, well into her adult life. When she found out that they were fictitious creatures, she asked my grandmother, “Did you know that all this time I thought dragons were real?” My grandmother’s response: “Dragons aren’t real?”

  30. J4ck

    What if Joyce finds ButtStallion instead of a unicorn?

  31. Jeffrey the Man-Bitch

    Political and religious arguments aside, I’m more focus’d in Sarah’s lack of pants. Dorothy must have got to to her the same way she got to Walky. F*ck pants!

  32. averystrangeplace

    Ah yes, the unicorn. Sworn enemy of the Lust-Wolf.

  33. RandomPerson12

    I’m almost tempted to ask a Creationist that myself…

  34. BrokenEye, True False Prophet

    Pshaw! Everyone knows unicorns don’t take showers. Where would they put the bubble bath?

  35. Onion

    Of course unicorns exist! There are IMAGES,

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