Jesus
Posted on September 20, 2011 by David M Willis

177 thoughts on “Jesus”

  1. steve

    and shenanigans ensued…

    1. Matt of Steel

      with a penis?

      1. madd

        obligatory in the FFFAAAAAAACCEEE reply

        now to wait for the nickle reply

        1. Stephen

          Obligatory nickle reply.
          Now to wait for femurs reply.

        2. Zefu

          Obligatory femur reply.
          Now to wait for Amazi-Girl reply.

        3. Jack

          Obligatory Amazi-Girl reply.

          Now to wait for obligatory double homicide reply.

        4. Plasma Mongoose

          Obligatory COMBO-BREAKER! 😛

        5. thomas0comer

          OBLIGATORY MEMETIC OVERLOAD AND EXCESSIVE TROLLING WITH BAD GR4MM0RZ AND CAPS ABUSE COLON RIGHT PAREN!

  2. Jen Aside

    Well, at least Billie knows THAT much.

    And now, so do they.

    1. Jimmy

      And knowing is half the battle.

      G.I. JOOOOOOE!

      1. David Herbert

        The other half is punching date rapists in the dick.

        1. Aizat

          I thought the other half was lasers.

        2. Wix

          You’re both wrong! It’s laser punching date rapists in the balls. You were both pretty close though. David was just a lil too high, and Aizat forgot to follow Billie’s advice.

    2. Valdrax

      She just wants to be awake for her semi-consensual shenanigans. I mean, what’s the point in being sleazy-easy if you only get the consequences and none of the fun?

      1. BriGuy

        Am I going to hell because this actually made sense to me?

        1. DarkVeghetta

          Made perfect sense to me.
          Oy, Zxbwzb, more boiling oil over here, my skin’s almost keeping up.

  3. Mkvenner

    That is a good philosophy.

    1. Rodrigo

      And a very good advice!

      1. Izzy

        thumbs up for good advice!

  4. Plasma Mongoose

    And I feel a bit better about Billie again…

  5. MarcinMN

    Cloaked figure spotted. Nice touch not adding a tag for her… 😉

    1. Bobnotk

      I didn’t notice until a second after I posted a comment.

    2. AlienCowThatMoos

      You mean “I knew about that before everyone else woman?”

    3. Mkvenner

      Holy shyte where did that come form. 0.o

    4. Ragnal

      Yes, because it’s clearly obvious who she might be to the cleverest of eyes.

      …seriously, who’s that supposed to be. =P

    5. narmenduke

      Amazi-girl has Joyce’s back!

      …

      Does this mean Amazi-girl is Jesus?

      1. Kavonde

        Actually, that MIGHT be Sal, with her hair in a ponytail tied about halfway down.

        Could be Amazi-Girl out on patrol, though. I don’t think she’d be specifically keeping an eye on the party, though.

        1. narmenduke

          It looks like whoever it is is wearing a cape. Although that could be Sal’s coat.

          Although, it strikes me that unless she heard about it from another source, Amazi-girl (whoever that could be) wasn’t around to hear about Joyce and Dorothy’s plan. So you’re probably right that she’s not there specifically to keep an eye on Joyce.

        2. Kirby

          Well, she was stalking Billie earlier. She might be following her?

        3. Oruncrest

          Shouldn’t we be calling Billie ‘Lois’ then?

      2. madd

        Wait … are you saying Ultra-Car is Jesus?!

        1. narmenduke

          That is exactly what I’m saying. Pop culture depictions of Jesus are innacurate. They depict him as white, when in reality, he was actually a sentient, snarky car with a penchant for pie-ing people and dumping them in the Amazon. (Then he pied Pontius Pilate and things went a little sour from there.)

    6. Wix

      Damn, i didn’t check the tags -and- I didn’t even see her… I need to start paying attention when there’s alot of shadow. It’s nice that people are catching onto your ‘trick tags’ though, David, you’re teaching your pupils to see through deception.

  6. Makkabee

    Wait… did Billie just suggest something sensible?

    HOW CAN THIS BEEEEE??!!??

    1. dchorror

      Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

      1. Shade Tail

        Not if it’s digital.

        1. Mkvenner

          Or if the hands are missing.

        2. dchorror

          You know, a lot of great quotes are ruined when you start applying technology to them.

        3. Mkvenner

          Don’t you mean logic?

        4. fellixe

          Twice a day.

        5. dchorror

          Not really. Logic dictates that a broken digital clock is still right twice a day, it’s only when it is denied power that it can’t be right. The metaphor means that everyone is right occasionally, but by trying to apply modern technology you’re saying except him. He’s never right. Ya’ll just couldn’t leave a nice metaphor alone.

        6. Rimaslxbya

          Except digital clocks can also be set to 24hr mode, in which case it’d be right once a day, and broken ones display all of the LEDs or none at all, I imagine, meaning it’d either be 88:88 or nothing at all, in which case it is never right.

          Also, it is funner to debunk old metaphors than it is to use them. 😛

        7. Animaniac

          “Even a broken clock, as long as it is still displaying a number that can be construed as a legitimate time, will be right at least once but up to twice day depending on the type of display”

          Doesn’t have quite the the same ring to it…

        8. Izzy

          or if it’s a 24 hour clock…my buddy’s ‘rents have one that’s HUGE

      2. Malph

        And even an alcoholic party-girl doesn’t like having her unconscious body screwed by unknown guys.

        1. Izzy

          actually she kinda said she does lol. back a couple a pages

        2. Jimmy

          She didn’t say unconscious though. Just really drunk.

    2. Jackson

      Sensible, yes. But isn’t “verify” a bit of a nerd word? 😉

      1. TheBenenator

        No, it’s a journalist word.

        Unless your work for Faux News.

  7. Bobnotk

    Joyce and Dorothy’s faces in that last panel.

    1. Another Commenter

      Billie’s ‘this is completely normal’ face in that last panel.

  8. gangler

    Who’d of thought Billie of all people would have the rare gift of common sense?

    1. Inara

      well, the girl has some experience when it comes to drinks…

      1. gangler

        Experience doesn’t always provide wisdom. Thought I was looking at Lady Cassandra, but then she started throwing a little Face of Boe at me.

  9. iSaidCandleja-

    Is Velma going to meet Shaggy at this party?

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      The very idea that Joyce could end up with a stoner BF amuses me greatly.

      1. narmenduke

        “Sweetie, what’s that thing you’re holding up to your mouth?”

        “It’s an…um…an inhaler.” Yeah. *coughcough*

        “Why are you holding a lighter up to it? Are you trying to set it on fire?”

      2. Kernanator

        But will he be a hifter or a drippie?

      3. iSaidCandleja-

        I wonder how Sarah would react to this relationship. In fact, I want to find out so bad that I’m boarding this ship already (I’m telling you that sweater is foreshadowing).

        1. Kernanator

          Look at what you’ve done, Plasma: You’ve started a ship with a character that doesn’t even exist.

        2. Plasma Mongoose

          Does this count as a Ghost Ship?

        3. ryan

          ZOINKS! G-G-G-GHOST PIRATES!

        4. Blob Marley

          Nice read, Velma.

        5. Asuka L.S.

          Achievement Unlocked: “Shipping Houdini”

        6. Chester Sellars

          Actually, I think I remember seeing a character that looked like Shaggy early on in this continuity.

  10. Janette

    I love the expressions in this.

  11. Dahlia

    This is why I always bring my own waterbottle when I leave home! ^^

  12. dchorror

    The line up here looks like three different eras of clothing.

    1. taekwondogirl

      Not really.. Dorothy and Billie are wearing the same era, just one’s more revealing.

      1. Joebo

        I can verify this, saw someone at the grocery store a few days ago wearing essentially the exact same outfit.

        1. dchorror

          Being currently worn doesn’t mean it isn’t representative of a different era.

          Or actually, I should be saying decade, it’s just that the terminology in doing so isn’t quite correct.

  13. Kernanator

    Billie actually has good advice.

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      It had to happen at some time. ^_^

      1. Kernanator

        Yeah, I know, I’m just shocked it happened on the way to a party.

        1. Wix

          I’m shocked that it’s ‘premarital hanky panky’ based (… what? Technically it is…) advice that Joyce might just follow.

  14. Eddy

    Now see, I expected Joyce to be “whats a roofie? Is it like peanut butter where it sticks to the roof of your mouth and blah blah blah”
    But instead her eyes imply that she knows.

    1. Jimmy

      She doesn’t seem to be nearly as sheltered in DoA than she was in Roomies.

  15. Platypus

    She walks the shadows, She stalks the night, She is Amazi- Girl.

    1. fellixe

      Stronger than the smell of garlic! More powerful than a well chosen metaphor! Able to leap small children in a single bound!

      1. ryan

        immune to criticism! able to carry fat ex-cheerleaders down a single hall!

        1. Blob Marley

          Her pokemans are level 100!

        2. Jack

          So amazi-girl is an Action Replay user.

          That explains how she lifted billie.

  16. Wackd

    Why does Billie look as mortified as the other two in the last panel?

    1. ttly

      flashbacks bro

      1. Despite Rage

        Yep
        She still feels shame over using them to score a little non-consensual lovin.

        1. Plasma Mongoose

          Are you saying that Billie uses roofies to score some action?

          OH MY!

  17. Jacob

    Is it me or does the art look different then usual?

    1. narmenduke

      Probably just because they’re in profile.

    2. Thor

      I just noticed that all three of them have the same inner ear squiggle, and now I can’t stop seeing it.

  18. Daeva

    That’s…actually a pretty sensible policy to have there, Billie.

    But now I can’t help but feel that she’s speaking from experience.

    1. narmenduke

      Yeah, that was my initial thought, that it was disturbing that she would be in situations where that would be necessary. (But it’s solid advice nonetheless.)

  19. Joebo

    Look, Willis is taking my advice finally. The 2nd panel was made far better by the mysterious silhouette jumping across rooftops. That being said, I know that people walking around on your roof is loud, much louder than say a squirrel. Amazi-Girl, (whoever she is) is going to get the police called on her ass.

    1. Daeva

      Wait, silhouette jumping across whaaaaaaa–!?

      *looks back up at the comic*

      I…I didn’t even notice that. 0_0 -_- 0_0

      Pretty kick ass.

    2. Kernanator

      Had people walking on your roof much, have you?

      1. Ancestral Hamster

        He hasn’t met our urban squirrels: they are the size of small rabbits and they go “THONK, THONK” when they run on wooden planks. Too many handouts (and open trash bins) and not enough exercise.

        As for Amazi-Girl, that’s really Joe in a clever disguise!

      2. Joebo

        Well, had the roof redone a couple years ago and I tried to sleep through at least part of it, so yeah, plenty of people on the roof.

    3. madd

      Yes, but have you ever had a car walking around on your roof?

  20. Joe

    Willis, you draw some cute girls.

  21. Reboot

    Someone introduce Joyce to a minotaur. Post-haste.

  22. Reboot

    Someone introduce Joyce to a Nimontaur. Post-haste.

    1. 47

      Praise him.

  23. Kaci

    huh. I thought she would have liked to get roofied. I stand corrected.

  24. Spazman

    heh……”Roof”ied, after panel 2.

  25. MontyPla

    Billie is wise beyond her years.

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      Her liver has been damaged beyond her years too.

  26. Ravux

    The innocence, it hurts so much.

  27. insomniac

    In vino, veritas.

    1. Andy

      In veritatem, ira. In iram, odium. In odium, miseria. In miseriam, pars obscura.

      1. fellixe

        In canis corporatus transmuto.

        1. narmenduke

          Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus.

        2. Plasma Mongoose

          Quare es vos totus laudo amo vos es iacio Differo Potter alica?

        3. Valdrax

          Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.

        4. Izzy

          wingardium leviosa

        5. Asuka L.S.

          Avada kedavre.

        6. narmenduke

          This ^ 😀

        7. narmenduke

          That last was @Izzy and Asuka L.S. both. 😛

        8. Izzy

          Expelliarmus

        9. Plasma Mongoose

          Damn, these non-sequitur threads ammuse me.

        10. PhysicsLB

          Peas yesu domine dona eis requiem…*THWACK*

        11. narmenduke

          I feel like I should bring out the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch now.

      2. Jetstream

        Timor introducit ad iram, iram ad odium, odium ad dolore?

        1. Andy

          That too, though I did it to fit style of the proverb.

  28. Aizat

    My philosophy is trust no one including yourself.

    1. Aizat

      But trust in God is still a valid philosophy.

  29. Andy

    So is that Billie’s “I’m begging for it even if I can’t actually beg for it” shirt? Because if so, she may get a rude awakening on what such a shirt can and does look like.

    1. Aizat

      Wait a sec, I know I shouldn’t brought up the older continuity but isn’t that the same top Billie wear when she did it with Danny?

    2. Moonshine McGee

      She didn’t say she’d wear the date-rape-top to this party, though.

  30. Romanticide

    God gave you a brain Joyce, use it! I can’t still believe she is going to the party in the sweater I doubt she is actually going to take it off and leave in her bra so poor girl…
    They look kinda … dumpy to be going to a party in my opinion O.o

    1. Henry

      Keep in mind that two thirds of them apparently have little to no experience with parties.

      1. Asuka L.S.

        You mean none of them have ever been in a Wal-Mart parking lot with 5 people?

        1. Izzy

          don’t forget the case of beer!

      2. Romanticide

        But even in my opinion Billie looks kinda dumpy… still I guess she wouldn’t want to ruin one of her good blouses considering she doesn’t plan on keeping it for long XD

  31. Aizat

    Who’s that on the rooftop? Is it Batman?

    1. Andy

      Maybe it’s Spider-Car!

      1. Daeva

        C’mon guys, it’s totally a Were-Danny.

  32. R.J.

    “Trust God, but Verify”
    Also known as “God helps those who help themselves.” Keep them roofies away….

    1. Suilean Dubh

      I assume Joyce believes the same. Just because she believes God has her back doesn’t mean that she, for example, puts on a blindfold and walks into a busy street with no crosswalk.

    2. Comrade

      ‘Trust God, but verify’ strikes me as an oxymoron.

  33. Charles RB

    Billie is a philosophical genius.

  34. Ess

    AMAZIGIRL ON THE ROOF!!!!

    1. madd

      How does a car not fall through a roof?

  35. Urahara-Sensei

    If i didn’t know this was a realistic reboot I’d swear that was the Head alien and not Amazigirl.

  36. Azukar

    God works in mysterious ways. So mysterious, in fact, that it’s often hard to tell if it’s design or chance.
    Unless you’re in a webcomic; then you really can trust that the mighty creator has a capital-P Plan for you.

  37. lightsabermario

    Interesting. Billie is apparently a Reagan fan. I have a whole new respect for her now.

    1. David

      “Trust but verify” was originally a Russian proverb.

      1. ryan

        don’t listen to him, lightsabermario! he’s just trying to distract you from the ronnie introduction on friday!

      2. Doom Shepherd

        Of course, the Russians usually said “doveryai, no proveryai.”

      3. begbert2

        I’m pretty sure that doesn’t work the same when you stick the ‘God’ in there – unless you’re talking about verifying God, that is.

      4. Animal

        Have you verified that?

        1. David

          Insofar as I trust Wikipedia.

        2. Animal

          0_o

  38. HeartlessHealer

    Glad to see that Billy both knows and is passing on the partying with strangers rule #1. I’ve never been to such a party and even I know that one.

    Also I think there’s a tag missing? 😉

  39. Angel

    EEE! Third panel Joyce is adorable!

    1. begbert2

      Third panel Joyce is adorably claiming a downright suicidal policy for going through life. Which in my case, the whole ‘being appalled’ thing is dramatically reducing how cute I’m finding her.

      I’m looking forward to her inevitable character development into somebody with functional life philosophies – but have the horrible feeling that the transition thereto will be agonizing to watch.

      1. G.S.Mercs

        I fail to see how it’s downright suicidal. Just because Joyce believes that Jesus is watching her doesn’t mean she’s just going to let anything happen to her because “it’s part of God’s plan.” Ignoring any discussions as to whether or not Christianity is true, the fact that Joyce believes someone is watching her and that she faith in that isn’t a suicidal philosophy. It CAN be, but so can basically every other philosophy in the world too.

        1. begbert2

          My read of it is that she is overtly relying on a parachute that isn’t there, which is a perfectly functional philosophy while one is kept sheltered and homeschooled in safety, but can fail rather dramatically when you get out and start, say, jumping out of airplanes. Admittedly, perhaps Joyce was already planning for every eventuality herself, with her hand over her glass, a taser in her pocket, and Mike following them just out of frame, but we haven’t actually seen any of that; what we’ve seen is her snidely dismissing the need for Sarah’s help because she has God covering for her instead. And in this comic she reiterates that she meant that literally – and it’s presented as being in contrast to Billie’s “It’s all well and good to believe in God, but cover your own (gl)ass yourself anyway” philosophy.

          The way I see it, the only way that it’s not suicidal is that Joyce isn’t knowingly imperiling herself; she’d more like a cute little bunny hopping innocently into a minefield. And again, maybe she’s actually a lot more careful than she seems – but based on what we’re seeing, I’m expecting her to walk straight into trouble expecting God to shield her from the bolts and arrows.

          Of course, Amazigirl (who is actually UltraCar, who is actually Dina in disguise, who is actually Walky in disguise – have you ever seen them together?) is going to swoop in and save her, which in a way makes Joyce right: Willis, her universe’s god, will save her through a proxy. But if she weren’t a main character in a comic, she’d be sorely lacking the plot armor she believes she has.

        2. G.S.Mercs

          While you do make a fair point (Especially since I don’t want to start any religious debates since that’ll just create a flame-war that will never end,) there is also evidence that suggests she does know how to look after herself, since one thing that you have to take into account is that many Christians see God’s Plan as everything, meaning, if Joyce thinks something is wrong, she can act on it, and that’s still part of God’s Plan and she’s not just giving herself away stupidly.

          She now is at odds with every other person who is at their first party, meaning that if she’s suicidal, so is all the other first timers, especially since Joyce will probably pick up on some of Billie’s Party Survival Ideas.

          Two other things also come to mind though. First off, Joyce tends to do better in situations she’s not familiar with better than what anyone expects. That’s not to say she’s flawless, by any means. She makes plenty of horrible mistakes/choices, but luck does seem to be on her side. Secondly, we assume Joyce is actually going to eat or drink something at this party. Given the fact she seems to be a slight germaphobe and plus all the amoral activity (From Joyce’s point of view) do we really think she’ll actually touch anything at the party, much less consume it?

        3. begbert2

          I don’t think you have to be an atheist to think that God isn’t going to protect you from getting hurt if you put yourself into problematic situations. In fact, lots of Christians tell their younglings to actively avoid getting into situations like this – because in doing so, you’ve signed a release form permitting God to sit back and watch as you get your anterior portions in various kinds of moral and other kinds of trouble. Personally I think the winceworthyness of Joyce’s attitude and behavior probably spans all creeds and beliefs.

          Joyce differs from most first-time party-goers in that she is substantially more naive about the world than them – most have at least some vague idea of what to expect about such parties, while she *clearly* has none. And she remains almost frighteningly oblivious about what is to come, aside from a rather significant number of hints being dropped around her – the attire of her fellow party-goers, the fact they seem to have talked her out of bringing her safe party game, and of course the fact that *nobody* seems to think that her coming to the party is a good idea. Plus, of course, the mentions of little things like date rape.

          Of course, there’s also the fact that nobody has bothered to actually sit her down and explain what is likely to be going on at these parties – but if they had, she probably wouldn’t have come, and what fun would that be? 🙂

          As for Joyce being able to handle situations better…which situations? She’s done remarkably well at not being a bigot, I’ll freely credit her for that. The date with Joe? I would actually call that rather a disaster – the only salvation was that she brought Mike. Of course, she seems to have forgotten to hire a face-punching white knight this time…and I seriously don’t think Dorothy or Billie are really up for it.

          Of course Willis is providing UltraCar to fill the role of Joyce-saver, but that’s not Joyce’s doing. She’s walking into the lion’s den, whistling all the way.

        4. begbert2

          Oh, and I forgot to mention – I certainly think she would have drunk or consumed something if Billie hadn’t mentioned conveniently mentioned something. And based on the general obliviousness she’s been showing, who knows, she still might. She’s being quite cheerfully dim at the moment. Regardless, she’s hardly prepared for what she’s getting into. (Well, presuming the party’s as bad as all the other characters seem to think it will be, anyway. Maybe it’ll turn out to be a sewing circle after all.)

        5. G.S.Mercs

          Well, there’s not much I can say other than what I’ve already said, so it’s just a matter of different opinions. But you do make good points, I’m not saying you don’t. Either way, we shall see.

          Oh, and as for the Joe incident. Yes, it was a disaster, but Joyce handled it better than what lots of people thought she would. If she truly were completely oblivious to everything, Joe would have walked all over her. No, Joe shouldn’t have been punched and she could have done a lot better, but she at least held her own and didn’t fall for any tricks. So, who knows? Maybe Joyce tries to remain pure and innocent on the outside, but inside she is aware to an extent of the world around. That’s jsut a theory though. I have no absolute proofs for it.

  40. phildog

    Haha, preventitive rape joke! Hahaahaahaaaahh…. Now I’m sad. 🙁

    Also, good advice to give Joyce though. Out of the three of them, she seems most likely to be targeted.

  41. Asuka L.S.

    Just don’t eat or drink anything. That’s the surest way to be safe from getting drugged. I mean, COME ON. That’s not a regular old chocolate cake and brownies on the table, the fruit punch is probably more vodka than punch, and those free stickers are NOT for decoration. Trust nothing and no one, that’s the safe way to party.

    Unless Amazi-Girl was in the background, I’d have forecast that Joyce was absolutely DOOMED.

  42. HMRC4EVR

    It’s really a shame that a college age girl has to realistically worry about being drugged at a party by some ass who’s thinking with his dick instead of trying to get laid the old fashioned way-by being interesting enough to get her attention.

    ‘Course, that never worked for me during four years of college but even back then I wasn’t that good looking and pretty boring. At least I can say I didn’t have to drug a girl to get some action. I was patethic enough as it was-not making things worse that way for sure.

    1. madd

      Sadly, it’s not just college girls at parties. My sister, who’s 30, was out at a club and some guy roofied her drink when she set it down on the bar to look for her phone. Luckily for her, and unbeknown to the would be rapist, my sister had friends/family waiting at a table for her and so was safely with them when it took effect.

    2. Plasma Mongoose

      The more disturbing reason why they use roofies is that for some guys, non-consent is a major turn-on.

      Another sad but still disturbing reason is some guys are so hung up about ‘performance anxiety’ that they rather fuck an unconscious woman than risk criticism.

  43. aaron_bourque

    Yeah, that’s why I like Billie.

  44. Stephen

    Oh my Ford, it’s Spider-Car!

  45. Doom Shepherd

    “Trust yourself, trust Ivanova. Anybody else, shoot ’em.”

    1. HMRC4EVR

      The internet needs more Ivanova. It would be a much saner place.

      Now I’m picturing her on the bridge of a White Star, fingers at the trigger button, ready to fire the moment someone on the internet does something stupid.

      She’s gonna stay busy.

  46. Commander Clash

    “Trust God, but verify.” Essentially like saying “Trust in God, but lock your car.” I think it works well in any situation, especially with making sure your drink doesn’t get roofied. I’d hate to see anything bad happen to our favorite God-loving girl.

  47. Eric

    All these Joyce comics are making the sponsored advertisements for this site the Christian Mingle site.

  48. Jason

    Hee hee. If I hover my mouse over the silhouette, it says “Jesus”!

  49. myfiststhirstfornecks

    hahaha Amazi-girl!!!

  50. Wack'd

    Oh my god. Foreshadowing. The air is thick with it.

  51. newllend

    Is that amazigirl in the back round? Shit is about to go down

  52. Taigan

    Just remember, God’s plan may be for you to die so someone else can learn a lesson. Just ask the firstborns of Egypt, Job’s family, etc.

  53. BrokenEye, True False Prophet

    Say a prayer, but let the good times roll / In case God doesn’t show

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