215

Wise-assery
Posted on June 12, 2014 by David M Willis

215 thoughts on “Wise-assery”

  1. Jen Aside

    or “having sex”??

    1. RevenantBacon

      Or “studying”?

      1. EvilPenguin

        For Sal that’s the same thing.

        1. tinfoil theory

          Poor Danny…

        2. Corey

          Lucky Danny….

    2. KingMabel

      or “robbing the bank”

      1. GoldStarz

        Maybe a convenience store…

      2. newllend

        Or doing all fucking three.

      3. Robert

        Because “Roller Derby” is easier to put into quotes than “I heard she and a bunch of the shortpacked cast bought beer at a walmart, then drank it even though they are underage and then proceeded to beat up amazi-girl while making her feel bad until the sun came up.”

        1. Jen Aside

          [in all seriousness, that’s most likely what Sal told her, because fuck tryna explain that all when you just wanna crash, and of course Billie doesn’t believe Sal does what she says she did]

        2. OctopusGardener

          If I remember correctly, doesn’t Billie still think Sal is Amazi-Girl?

        3. TPman

          Yep!
          Maybe Billie thinks the “beat up Amazi-Girl” story is an elaborate cover-up. Pretending to be your own villain. Justifies your presence at the scene while still providing you with an alibi. Very clever.

      4. BrokenEye, True False Prophet

        Don’t forget, tomorrow is the day we “kill the president”

  2. Mr. Random

    It’s never too early for wise-assery!

    1. Tunaro

      It is when you’ve been drinkin’

      1. newllend

        That’s the best time!

      2. nothri

        Yeah, but if Walky waited until Billie hadn’t been drinking to be a smart ass he would have to give up on it entirely.

    2. Kernanator

      Nor is it too late. The wise-assery arrives precisely when it is necessary.

      1. nothri

        Thanks Gandalf.

    3. Plasma Mongoose

      But jack-assery is more of an afternoon/evening thing.

      1. Lord Geovanni

        You need to teach a ceminar for my parents

    4. Yotomoe

      I’m more partial to smart-assery, myself.

      1. Doctor_Who

        Well, smart-assery is for wizards, wise-assery is for clerics.

        I’m more of a bard, so I tend toward charismatic-assery.

        1. Anarchy 101

          I like the subcategory of cynical smart-assery the best

        2. Disloyal Subject

          As a sorcerer/druid theurge, I concur but diversify. Smartassery’s fun, but fits cynics better.

        3. Jen Aside

          Leaving dumbassery to the goons?

        4. Opus the Poet

          And the kobolds, man nothing is dumber than a kobold. Goblins come close but they are more crazy than stupid.

        5. Geo

          there are three kinds of kobolds your classic dumb as a mud fence variety. The lovable but still moronic “Deekan” type and then there are the Tucker variety. The “Tucker’s Kobold” is very different, in fact most believe the Almighty Pun-Pun, blessed be his name was a mutant spawn of this clever and deadly sub-race. Also dread gazebo.

        6. Cholma

          +1 for mentioning Deekin! Love that little Bard!

        7. StClair

          This post is a rich trove of classic in-jokes. (Treasure Type G, at least.)

          Great userpic, too.

        8. dehro

          Still trying to get over the fact that I actually got all of them

        9. Kelly

          Sort of a Tony Stark kind of thing?

        10. xKiv

          And I am more bad at everything, so I lean towards bad-assery?

    5. Chris

      Everything is too early when you have a massive hangover.

  3. Stephen Bierce

    Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!

    1. nothri

      Knew there would be at least one of these.

  4. Plasma Mongoose

    They weren’t baking, rather they were pickling.

  5. cmd1095

    Walky, never fails to bring on the lols

    1. tinfoil theory

      His comeback is perfect.

  6. Yotomoe

    I hate when people do the air quotes wrong.

    1. Yotomoe

      I also hate whenever someone says “I could care less”.

      1. RevenantBacon

        Yeah, especially because most of them mean “I couldN’T care less”.

        1. Plasma Mongoose

          David Mitchell explains the problem with “I could care less” in this video

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=om7O0MFkmpw

        2. nothri

          Counterpoint:

          http://www.slate.com/blogs/lexicon_valley/2014/03/18/why_i_could_care_less_is_not_as_irrational_or_ungrammatical_as_you_might.html

        3. tinfoil theory

          Like I care.

        4. begbert2

          I could care less… but it would require effort and possibly heavy equipment.

        5. nothri

          You are my least favorite person right now.

        6. RevenantBacon

          touché

        7. gwalla

          Oh hey, it’s by Arika Okrent, cool.

      2. KingMabel

        That just means that they care about you 🙂

      3. nothri

        Don’t people usually claim to be unable to care less? If I say that I can care less doesn’t that imply that the thing I am talking about matters more to me than not at all?

        1. kelticat

          People seem to mix up the meanings between “I could care less” and “I couldn’t care less” Many seem to think that the two sayings are synonymous instead of opposing.

        2. 3oranges

          They usually act as synonyms because they’re both bitter. Compare:

          What a terrible idea that is.
          What a spectacular idea that is.

          Tell me those are opposites when spoken by someone rolling their eyes.

          Meanwhile, “I appreciate how much the president has done” and “Thanks, Obama!” usually are opposites. It’s all context.

        3. Reepicheep-chan

          That is what I keep saying. “I could care less” is short form for “I could care less, but not by very much” “I couldn’t care less” is always a lie :p (it is accepted because it is hyperbole of course, but my point stands)

      4. -Sentinel-

        Not to mention misuse of the word “literally”.

        1. KingMabel

          I know the feeling. I literally spit fire with anger every time I hear someone make such a simple mistake.

        2. Plasma Mongoose

          People have been literally misusing the word literally for many decades now.

        3. Yotomoe

          I literally find it ironic how often people use words wrong.

        4. Jen Aside

          Isn’t it ironic, doncha think?

          It’s like RAIN… on a rainy day

        5. John

          It’s like a free ride, that you don’t have to pay for.

        6. Yotomoe

          It’s good advice that you took and you’re better for it.

        7. John

          Sure aren’t going to find any of that around here.

        8. Drakey

          The misuse of “literally” has literally changed its meaning so that the accepted definition literally includes the two contradictory meanings.

          The English language literally changes over time, and I am literally filled with uncontrollable haterage every time someone gets all irritated about minutia that is literally no longer valid.

          Also, literally, literally, literally.

          Literally.

          But yeah, common usage has changed the definition of a lot of words. It’s an interesting quirk of linguistics that they change, and then people get mad about it.

        9. LuckyStar7

          Or the use of the wrong ‘you’re’.
          Or the use of the wrong ‘too’.
          …As you can probably tell, illiteracy is not tolerated here.

        10. kelticat

          How about use of the wrong ‘their?’

        11. LuckyStar7

          Oh, Goood, do not get me started.

        12. Jen Aside

          irregardless

        13. LuckyStar7

          I must break you.

      5. Chris

        The sayings “head over heels” and “have your cake and eat it, too” are also reversed from their original order and meaning, but very few people realize it.

    2. Doctor_Who

      It’s so “annoying”.

    3. Plasma Mongoose

      So how do you do *air quotes* then Yoto?

      1. KingMabel

        In my studies I gathered that one would ^air quote^ in such a manner.

      2. nothri

        The correct way, obviously.

        1. tinfoil theory

          This way.

        2. Drunken Nordmann

          Oh god, viewing that was painful.

  7. kelticat

    Is Billie sure that Sal’s even in the room? Cause she just got up herself.

    1. Yotomoe

      Billie and Sal have been friends since they were kids. She can just sense her presence now.

      1. Anarchy 101

        Billie can obviously sense the aura of bad-assery that emanates off of Sal

        1. kelticat

          So Sal’s a bad-ass, Walky’s a wise-ass, and Billie is drunk-off-her-ass.

        2. Yotomoe

          And Mike is just an Ass.

        3. kelticat

          No, Mike is an ass-kicker.

        4. tinfoil theory

          That aura smells of cheap beer and cigarettes.

        5. Yotomoe

          Cheap Weed and Applesauce.

      2. Leorale

        Or Sal snores. She snores rock n’ roll.

        1. Doctor_Who

          Yngwie Malmsteen is suing her snores for copyright infringement.

          When she has sinus problems, it’s more Steve Vai.

        2. ocbrad1

          Yngwie FTW!!

        3. gwalla

          Her sinuses have UNLEASHED THE FUCKING FURY

    2. Blue Dragon

      They both have a top bunk. Are you suggesting that Billie isn’t awake enough to look around until after she’s on the floor?

  8. Tacdud2

    I want more hair down Billie.

    1. newllend

      And I love her eyes in this strip their beautiful.

  9. MrSirk

    Hey maybe she was at the roller derby it was a long night.

    1. nekobawt

      yeah, i could readily believe the shared six-pack was a way to wind down afterward.

      1. MrSirk

        They had to pick Malaya up from somewhere.

        1. Cybersnark

          And spend the rest of the night wondering why they bothered.

    2. tinfoil theory

      Impossible! Then Billie would have to admit that Sal’s life is more interesting than her own!

  10. Kernanator

    If this was about 3 or 4 years ago, I would have made a joke about her smooshing his face into hers.

    My, how things change.

    1. Yotomoe

      I think Billie should smoosh Walky’s face into hers.

      1. ShaggyDonahugh

        I think Walky should accidentally smoosh Billie’s face into Sal’s.

        1. Yotomoe

          I think they should all smoosh faces until they become a large blob of face goo.

        2. newllend

          DAMNIT someone beat me to the joke!

    2. Historyman68

      ie 3-4 days

    3. The Candyman

      Eh, I still ship it.

  11. newllend

    “Sis please you got to tell me that when we were kids our mom DID NOT! Take us to a talent agency because if you don’t I’m jumping off the nearest building.

    1. Yotomoe

      “Why do ya think Ah’ve been jumpin’ outta windows mah’ whole life?”

    2. Doctor_Who

      “Ya’ll can use our window. Ah find if you veer right you can shimmy down the tree no problem.”

  12. dailybrad

    I love this cast so much.

    I don’t really think I hate anyone in it. Well, Blaine, but I am supposed to. Dina might be my least favorite character who is not intentionally odious, or Mike, but I love them, too, I just love the others more.

    You’ve amassed a fun cast, Mr. Willis!

  13. Jay Eff

    “Why Won’t Your Stupid Face Stop Wise-Assering” would be a great title for this particular volume of DoA.

    1. David M Willis

      hmmmmm

      I wanted an Amazi-Girl quote, but this might do if I decide I don’t like how that one turns out.

      1. Doctor_Who

        You could always save this one for the title of your memoir.

        1. Jen Aside

          I thought that would be called “FAAAAAAACE: How one stupid word immortalized me forever like those Calvin peeing decals”

        2. Swerve

          I would think Willis would prefer to title his memoirs “Batman Can Breathe in Space: the Misadventures of a Highly Opinionated Webcomic Artist”. And Dave, my agent is totally willing to discuss royalties. (I talked Skids into being my agent should I manage to sell my own memoirs of my time on the Lost Light.)

  14. -Sentinel-

    Cranky and hungover Billie is best Billie.

    1. Yotomoe

      But have you seen TOPLESS Billie?

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        Yes, thanks to R24.

        1. gwalla

          Thanks to you I just ended up reading a comment accusing Roz of being an author self-insert.

      2. -Sentinel-

        I hope I see her in a future Slipshine comic.

      3. Disloyal Subject

        Cranky, hungover, AND topless Billie. Search your feelings; you know it to be true.

        1. Drunken Nordmann

          Ah, Star Wars quotes – they never get old. But I start feeling old when I hear or read them, sometimes.

      4. Roborat

        Cranky, hungover and topless is no way to go through life Billie.

        1. Drakey

          Much better to just be topless.

  15. ShaggyDonahugh

    Well that’s a silly comic. I like it.

  16. Plasma Mongoose

    Fifth panel Walky becomes Clayface.

  17. Opus the Poet

    Hungover Billie is hung over…

    1. newllend

      Hung over Billie is not that different from regular Billie.

      1. Opus the Poet

        Well, yes she is, she’s about a half-order of magnitude worse than regular Billie.

        1. kelticat

          And she’s not wearing her glasses.

  18. SilverArrowArtemis

    join me link and I will make your face the greatest in Koradai.

  19. PerryA

    Nice to see Billie doing the Margo.

    1. Kelly

      Classic

  20. nothri

    Billie, I think the issue is less about his face and more about his voice. Find a way to gag him and the wise assing will surely cease.

    1. Jen Aside

      Just rip out his tongue, I’m sure that’ll do it

      1. Doctor_Who

        Present it to Ruth as a token of affection.

        1. -Sentinel-

          Femurs are also an acceptable offering.

      2. nekobawt

        *billie strangles walky* “gawd, even your DEATH RATTLE is annoying!”

        1. nothri

          Could be worse.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMvFo4cd02o

        2. Heavensrun

          (Twitch) Gads, that’s horrible.

        3. nothri

          Not even the worst example of it I could find, either. Never say I didn’t do anything for you.

      3. Yotomoe

        Rip out his tongue with your tongue.

        1. newllend

          Hey I’m a smart-asserer too can I get some of that.

        2. nothri

          I don’t think even Billie has a sharp enough tongue for that.

          See what I did there?

        3. EvilPerson

          …Point out an obvious pun? 😉

        4. nothri

          No, making an obvious pun and THEN pointing it out! :DDD

  21. John Madden

    Are roller derbies still a thing? I’d cover that up too.

    1. kelticat

      More like coming back into mainstream, thanks to certain crime dramas.

    2. AHA

      Yes! There’s probably a team near you. Here’s the WFTDA (Women’s Flat Track Derby Association) league lookup: http://wftda.com/leagues.

      1. Drakey

        There are ads for the local roller derby team on the MAX trains in Portland, Oregon.

    3. Tenn

      I never even knew they were a thing until DoA introduced the term to me. And up until I googled it a moment ago, I was content with inferring that it involved roller skates.

      1. Bill

        You mean it doesn’t??

        I’m old enough to remember roller derby on regional TV back in the 1960s, and the Raquel Welch movie (“Kansas City Bomber”) that it inspired.  Incidentally, I believe that the ’11’ on Malaya’s shirt is in homage to this movie, as Raquel Welch’s character also wore #11 in the film.

        1. David M Willis

          Malaya first appeared in Shortpacked! in 2011.

        2. Roborat

          Yup, I remember Skinny Minnie Miller.

    4. PlainMarie

      I know two women from two completely different areas of my life and widely separated geographical locations who do roller derby. AND one of their young daughters do, too. Apparently it’s a thing now (again).

    5. Reepicheep-chan

      My brother is an official derby ref now so I am going to bouts like all the time myself. It is hella fun, I would recommend it.

  22. Raptorman

    Wiseassery is like playing a musical instrument, only way to stay good is practice, practice, practice!

  23. Thomas Howard

    Wait, is he there to apologize/talk about the whole parents/race thing? That definitely seems to be the case. Color me intrigued. You may continue the story, Mr. Willis.

  24. GoogerGeiger

    Walky doesn’t have his sister’s cell number?

    1. kelticat

      Why would he? He doesn’t really communicate with her. Note that their last conversation was on Saturday evening and it now Tuesday.

    2. Rabid Rabbit

      Yes, but he never wrote and it’s become irrelevant since they let her out of jail.

      1. Kelly

        boarding school, not jail

        1. Jen Aside

          It’s “laik prison”

  25. Ridureyu

    FATALITY

    1. Swerve

      FRIENDSHIP

  26. Idon'tcarenomore

    So many asses.
    Wise ass. Smart ass. Dead ass. Weird ass. Fat ass. Skinny Ass. Sachel ass. Dumb ass.
    These are all uses that I’ve actually heard people say.

    And top it all off with ass hattery.

    1. Jen Aside

      and they’re all half-assing it

    2. Animal

      You forgot “nice ass!”

      1. Roborat

        And “that ass”.

        1. nothri

          And that’s not even getting into the various breeds of donkey you could talk about.

  27. kelticat

    I just realized why Billie thinks “at the roller-derby” is an euphemism. She still thinks Sal fights crime while wearing yellow spandex with a blue cape.

    I guess its too late for me to think quickly.

    1. Drunken Nordmann

      Well, I also didn’t catch that – though in my case it’s just too early to think quickly. It’s 6:48 in the morning around here and I didn’t sleep.

    2. Yotomoe

      Maybe Amazi-girl is her Roller-Derby Alias.

  28. Ancestral Hamster

    Quick, Walky! Aim your “weenus” at Billie! That’ll make her day! 😀

    1. Tenn

      It will make her day something, all right.

  29. Philip Marlowe

    Well now I know what Willis was talking about on Twitter with favorite panels.

  30. Wonder Wig

    3rd panel:
    “Now everyone will know the truth of your ‘divinity.'”

    1. TemplarKnight

      Not quite the same without a giant stone Jaguar mimicking it.

  31. Evil Midnight Lurker

    i’m crrrrushing your head

    crush crush crush

    1. Rybridge

      You should get a prize for an gravatar that displays one of the funniest episodes of television from my childhood.

      1. Evil Midnight Lurker

        I’ve been using him as my online identity pretty much ever since he existed, although even before 9/11 calling oneself “Evil Midnight Bomber” on the Net seemed like a bad idea, hence “Lurker.” 🙂

        1. Deanatay

          What Lurks At Midnight!

        2. Evil Midnight Lurker

          Exactly 🙂

    2. Roborat

      Yay, fellow Kids in the Hall fan.

  32. Robin

    All I can think of is “Billie the mountain”.

    1. Drunken Nordmann

      So – next page there’s the off-panel sound of an exploding melon?

    2. John

      The Mountain That Drinks?

      1. Robin

        awesomeface

    3. Animal

      What about Ethel?

      1. John

        Billie was a mountain!
        Ruth was the RA lurking over her shoulder!

        (That was actually my first reaction, but then I figured with the face-crushing and all it was probably meant to be a Game of Thrones ref. [insert Howard here])

        1. Animal

          So who will play Studebacher Hoch?

        2. Animal

          (Some people said he looked like… Zubin Mehta!

          ZUBIN MEHTA!)

  33. Akhenaten

    Aww, poor Danny. Sal’s probably gonna miss his toturing session

    1. Tenn

      That’s “tutoring” for Sal, “torturing” for Danny. 😉

  34. Kennerly

    Seven or eight more fingers will get rid of that face’s wise-assery.

  35. Triniking

    Wise-assery is the best super-power though.

  36. Gigafreak

    In a past life, Billie was a face-hugger

  37. Bagge

    “Definitely not caused by a lack of fingers.” There is an innuendo there somewhere but I can’t quite put my – ahahaha – finger on it.

  38. JW

    …Why does Walky think a roller derby would need to be covered up? It’s a perfectly legal sport.

    1. begbert2

      “Legal” and “something you’d willingly admit to doing” aren’t the same thing.

  39. begbert2

    Billie just can’t keep her hands off Walky.

  40. Bugberry

    How does Walky know “At the Roller Derby” isn’t a euphemism?

  41. Lone Wolf

    Billie, no! That’s not how you do a Vulcan mind meld! Your fingers are in the wrong spots!

  42. John

    I ship these two.

  43. Aaron Bourque

    Oh, right. Billie still thinks Sal is Amazi-Girl.

  44. The Steve

    Are we far enough in to the semester for anyone to consciously decide a high school friendship has not survived the move? That happened to me and I have NO idea why I thought of it after reading today’s strip…

    1. Gigafreak

      Well, if Day 1 was “far enough,” I’d say yes. (Though it’s likely that Billie never considered him a friend to begin with.)

      1. John

        Aw, Billie just insults and abuses Walky to cover up the fact that she wants to bang him silly.

        (I find it explains a lot about Billie’s behaviour if you assume that this holds true regardless of what other person’s name you stick in that sentence. Sal? Yep. Ruth? Definitely. Danny? He’s a total nerd, but he said she was a pretty cheerleader! Joyce? It’s okay, everyone’s a little bicurious! Sarah? Resolving interpersonal conflict with trips to Bone City! Howard? … Okay, maybe it doesn’t always work.)

        1. Eukie

          Look, Billie doesn’t [i]actually[/i] want to bone Howard, but he does look a bit like Ruth if she takes off her gasses…

        2. Eukie

          Fuck… mixed up BBcode and HTML formatting… ^_^;

        3. StClair

          and spelling “glasses”.
          Just sayin’.

        4. Eukie

          *groan*

          …can’t do anything right.

    2. timemonkey

      Billie and Walky didn’t have a highschool friendship. They had a pre-high school friendship that went sour in high school when Billie became a popular bongo and Walky is trying to reconnect with her now that she’s lost her posse of popular bongoes.

  45. Just Me

    Wouldn’t you think that Walky knows Sal’s friends and what she does when she goes out? Wouldn’t he know what Roller Derby really means?

    1. timemonkey

      He hasn’t seen her in years. And they don’t talk much now.

  46. xXxFedoraFlipperxXx

    Of course Billie thinks that Sal is Amazi girl. I should lay off the mind crippling cocaine.

  47. Nrdr123

    We need a Walky versus Faz face-off, for Dorothy’s love and affection. That and we need more Faz, you can never have too much Faz. Are Danny and Sal going to get together?

    1. Drunken Nordmann

      Still shipping Faz and Dina – and still no clue how to name the ship.

  48. Eukie

    Aww, Billie isn’t doing very well.

    Poor Billie! 🙁

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