153

Alpha bitch
Posted on June 13, 2013 by David M Willis

153 thoughts on “Alpha bitch”

  1. piemanpie24

    Depression musical chairs is much more fun than depression freeze tag.

    1. Yotomoe

      Or especially Depression Red Rover.

      1. GoldStarz

        Red Rover, Red Rover… Aw who cares anymore. If you’re depressed just come over.

        1. Yotomoe

          everyone slowly meanders to the center and bump into each other sadly*

      2. vanjealous

        Or its variant: Depression 1-2-3 Red Light!

      3. Usayasha

        Depression Naked Twister.
        Am I doing this right?

        1. Kirt Dankmyer

          This relationship is gong to be so hot once it finally gets off the ground from mere PSL to twoo love.

        2. Volkai

          No no no, it’s already ‘so hot’ in the PSL stage.

          When it hits ‘twue wuv’ it’s going to be cute as fuck.

        3. Witch [Soul] of Heart

          That exists where I come from.
          Actually, that’s a core Blackrom value where I come from.
          We ship THAT in canon.
          Let me tell you about Homestuck….

    2. Wack'd

      Ruth’s been playing depression hide-and-seek, hasn’t she.

    3. dropded

      Depression Risk is the worst. Nobody ever attacks so you just run out of pieces.

      1. Mr. Random

        “And Alexander wept, for there was no more to conquer”. Channelling depression can make “I feel like nothing in the world cares whether I live or die” to “imma make everyone care” and “maybe another continent will make me happy.” Seriously, if he had gotten a nice good hug, (and not specially groomed as a war tactician) he probably would have been a decent guy.

    4. Yotomoe

      And have you ever played Depression Jenga. The pieces are all weighted down with emotional grief.

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        Or Depression Roulette, the last game you will ever want to play.

        1. xain

          are we talking Roulette of the Russian variety

        2. John

          With a semi-auto.

        3. Mr. Random

          Depression blackjack. Everyone counts cards, but no one cares if you break 21. Getting blackjack wins you another drink to drown your sorrows.

        4. Draga Noche

          Depression Monopoly, also known as regular monopoly

        5. Andiemus

          Depression Charades, where you just kind of gesture vaguely with your hands before ceasing to compete and succumbing to apathy.

        6. Earlofthercs

          Yes to this. So much yes. Sad now.

        7. Doctor Mobius

          I usually play Depression Flux, the depression with ever changing rules!

        8. name

          In a casino, you’re already won free depression drinks just be entering.

        9. lovesoutcast

          don’t even get me started on depression hungry hungry hippos, a feudal attempt to feverishly binge down your grief

      2. lokitsu

        You deserve an internet.

    5. MHBCrow

      Ever play depression Apples to Apples?

      1. Volkai

        Wherein the Apples have all gone brown and mushy.

    6. saltchocolate

      Or Depression Simon Says. (Simon Says “Lie down on the floor abjectly until you lose your job / flunk out of college.”)

      1. John

        Simon says take another shot.

        1. Yotomoe

          Cheer up….I didn’t say Simon Says.

    7. Vabolo

      Depression Monopoly: everyone has fat stacks of cash, but the cost of everything is so high you still can’t afford anything!

      1. Earlofthercs

        Monopoly Zimbabwe edition?

      2. Makkabee

        That sounds like runaway inflation Monopoly.

    8. nothri

      Depression musical chairs really sucks. You have to keep playing until the economy turns around, at which point you scramble to sit down. Most people just stop playing after the first hour, though I hear rumors of some forlorn souls still dancing around the chairs to this day waiting for a recovery that just never comes.

    9. Lauren

      Theres also bipolar redlight-greenlight

  2. Geminia999

    Depression musical Chairs!!! Count me in!

  3. Jen Aside

    Which, dear Alt Text–“I’m an ALPHA bongo” or “I sneak friends into abortion clinics”?

    oh wait RUTH’S

  4. Jackson

    I think “Depression Musical Chairs” would make a better book title…

    1. Wack'd

      At the very least it’s more concise than the last two book titles have been.

    2. Wack'd

      And, let’s be honest, lends itself to what could be a fantastic cover image.

      1. Yotomoe

        I imagine the music for depression musical chairs would either be a really slowed down version of a pop song or like….the theme from Platoon.

        1. Thundercow

          Ooh ooh, or Johnny Cash’s cover of Hurt.
          Also for future reference, the Platoon song is Adagio for Strings, by Samuel Barber.

        2. timemonkey

          Or the country version of Magic Carpet Ride. Or does only make ME depressed?

        3. Notebooked

          The Funeral March plays for Depression Musical Chairs. Then there’s the hardcore version, Depression Musical Coffins.

        4. Beige

          or Komm, Susser Tod – it’s got a good beat for musical chairs yet the song itself fits perfectly.

    3. David

      Each book title is meant to be a quote spoken by a character on the front, and that’s more of a sentence fragment.

      1. Boom

        And the full sentence is so much better.

  5. JebJeb

    Sneaking friends into abortion clinics… Oh good times. Good times.

  6. Plasma Mongoose

    At least sneaking into an Abortion Clinic is better than sneaking behind the school shead and using a coathanger.

  7. Yotomoe

    So THAT’s what Billie’s Superhero name’d be.

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      Alpha bongo sounds like a 90s Anti-Hero.

      1. Yotomoe

        Or a kinky porn star.

        1. Boom

          In the 90s Alpha bongo could be both.

        2. nothri

          Every good secret identity needs a day job.

        3. Andiemus

          See: Barb Wire.

  8. xain

    taking down abusive boyfriends ey Billie vs Mike may the ultimate battle begin

    1. timemonkey

      She’ll kick his angry eyebrows off his face. XD

      1. Mr. Random

        And they shall slam back down so hard, they’ll knock her to the floor.

        1. timemonkey

          But she will land gracefully, as she is a cheerleader.

  9. Plasma Mongoose

    Who better to look after your booze than Billie.

    1. Yotomoe

      of course. Any beer in Billie’s hands is immediately drunk. The bottle became empty the second Billie touched it.

      1. nothri

        This sounds like the start of the shittiest chuck norris meme spinoff in the history of always.

        1. Baroncognito

          It can’t be, not so long as the original Chuck Norris meme exists.

      2. Questionor

        That’s ok as long as the beer doesn’t try to drive while drunk.

    2. Aizat

      Yes, Queen Booze herself.

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        It’s almost like a superpower but less socially acceptable.

      2. Kernanator

        Hey, removing the booze by drinking it yourself is a perfectly good way to keep someone from getting drunk!

        …As long as you don’t think of yourself as “someone”.

        Also, Queen Booze sounds like a supervillain.

        1. RobHagen

          I remember that sub-plot from the ‘Alpha bongo’ series in the late 90’s. She was always one step ahead of AB, who always just missed her escape from a crime scene. And then the writer dropped the bomb: Queen Booze WAS Alpha bongo, who was suffering a split personality syndrome after drinking some bad moonshine…

  10. Lanodantheon

    I don’t know why, but for a moment, “Depression Musical Chairs” made me think of Glee instead of the kid’s game.

    I now have this image of a full-Musical version of the whole conversation.

    1. Wack'd

      The difference between playing Depression Musical Chairs and watching Glee is that the former is more fun.

      1. Yotomoe

        One is Sad and awful, and the other is depressing musical chairs.

      2. Breeze

        I almost spat out my tea at that. Whenever my mother would watch Glee, I’d desperately wish my headphones were better at sound-canceling. Perhaps to the point of canceling out the show’s existence.

        1. Makkabee

          On a very special episode of Glee, AutoTune becomes sentient and kills them all.

          *killer robot stalks through the halls, flicking reeds like shuriken and garotting glee clubbers with guitar strings*

          “I can kill you with one note.” *slices student open* “See? Sharp.”

          “I’ll be Bach.”

        2. Notebooked

          “Lizsten to me!”

          “[desperate students attempt to taze killer robot with no effect, slow grin spreads over his LED monitor] Don’t you know I’m a conductor?”

          “[students have just locked themselves in the gym hall, with tremendous banging and rattling coming from outside] It won’t work, kids! I’ve got every key!”

        3. Makkabee

          *killer robot drops piano on annoying whiny diva*

          “Be flat.”

  11. Luzahn

    Hm. Yep, that’d be a great title.

    Also nooo! the glasses are going back on! =P
    I am a fan of green-eyed Ruth.

    1. Osaru Sensei

      Agreed, Ruth needs contacts.

      This is totally the reverse of the trope The Glasses Gotta Go.

  12. xain

    because billie is going to need that drink to work up the courage to join her in the shower

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      …which at that point, Joyce will walk in and make another epic reaction face.

      1. Yotomoe

        And then finally give in to her urges.

        1. Plasma Mongoose

          …and kisses Dotty, at which point Dina shows up…

        2. xain

          and just stares and asks if this is yet another female bonding ritual that she is unfamiliar with

        3. DarkVeghetta

          And KEEPS on staring since no one will answer her.

      2. timemonkey

        O_O

        I-I thought WE were shower buddies! *runs off crying*

    2. nothri

      Oh, I swear, if you people with your idle mouths have jinxed this scenario into nonexistence I’m going to get so angry I mutate into a giant irradiated green monster that will rampage through all your homes in a fit of wrath. They will call the incident the Dumbing of RAGE, and Marvel will make a trilogy out of it starring three consecutively different actors to play me each time!

      ……I feel I’ve gotten off message…The message being SHHHHHH!!!!

      1. Yotomoe

        Well I’ll counter you by getting bitten by an arachnid and having three progressively worse received movies until I finally reboot and have powers closer to the story but will still receive mixed reviews.

        1. Andiemus

          Largely based on the fact that as a protagonist you’ll be a whiny and simpering little twerp who has no place in superherodom.

        2. Kernanator

          If that’s a dig against The Amazing Spider-Man movie specifically, I haven’t seen it myself, so I can’t say whether you’re right or not. But if you are complaining that Peter Parker is too whiny to be a superhero, I’m just going to leave this here, because it sums up my feelings on Spider-Man better than I can say myself: http://www.comicsalliance.com/2012/03/09/ask-chris-96-why-spider-man-is-the-best-character-ever-yes/

        3. Andiemus

          Batman’s the childlike one? Who’s the one who utterly fails as a superhero whose tagline is about responsibility to ever acknowledge the fact that his life as a superhero is going to get his life as a civilian destroyed? Who’s the one who is so completely stuck in his childhood that he made a deal with freakin Satan to sacrifice the only adult thing about him in exchange for an already-dying mother figure? I know One More Day is kind of a cheap shot, but it really represents everything wrong about Spider-Man as a character.

        4. nothri

          I tend to agree with Linkara on this one- Spiderman constantly screws up and endangers the lives of everyone he cares about and never learns to take real responsibility for his actions despite what he preaches. This isn’t the fault of Peter Parker as such. Rather everyone who writes for Spiderman wants to reuse the same themes and lessons for the character over and over, so instead of decent character growth and development what we get is a cycle in which Peter learns a valuable lesson, forgets what he learned for the sake of the plot, has everything blow up in his face due to him forgetting, someone he cares about likely gets hurt or dies, he feels anguished, vows to be more responsible in the future, and forgets about his vows for the sake of the plot.

  13. John

    “I love you, man.”

    “You’re still not getting my generic marked-with-Xes booze.”

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      I would say that it was a XXXX beer but the label colour is wrong.

  14. doodlebug

    I love Billie’s face in the second panel. She’s so perfectly, determinedly earnest.

    1. Yotomoe

      I like it too. I’m-a have to ask Willis to make this a thing so we can add all sorts of cool dialougue to it.

      1. doodlebug

        “I have a dream, that one day all of the booze-lovers and sober bongoes alike will walk hand-in-hand like nobody gives a damn.”

  15. Doctor_Who

    I knew it! Billie’s a troper!

    She’s nerdier than she’ll admit.

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      But the term was fairly popular long before TVTropes was a thing.

      1. Yotomoe

        And it’ll be popular long after TVTropes is dead.

        1. Plasma Mongoose

          TVTropes die? That will be the day.

        2. Boom

          The last one, to be exact.

        3. Mr. Random

          It did die. The thing is, it came back to life. Like Mike.

        4. Somebody

          You mean when Fast Eddie took out all the sexual tropes? Because I don’t remember the site going all the way off.

        5. Wack'd

          He put them back, though!

        6. Somebody

          See? Complaining DOES work sometimes.

  16. Stara

    Oh, how I love Billie. She’s imperfect, messed up, but trying to have a good heart. 😀 Great for Ruth.

  17. Wonder Wig

    That’s the national past time of Finland.

    1. Boom

      Shush! They’ll hear you! And then murder us all!

    2. Breeze

      I thought the past time was making metal music, their top export.

      1. Platinakettu

        Sauna might top everything as our national past time.

  18. Ragnal

    I was gonna get snippy and be all “Ey, Billie, where were you when Joyce was mere seconds from rape?” Because she should’ve detected that sorta thing.

    But then I decided to double check the archives and reminded myself that Billie wasn’t exactly holding herself responsible for Joyce, left her with Dorothy in that regard, and when they did find Joyce Billie at least studied the crime scene.

    http://www.dumbingofage.com/2011/comic/book-1/06-yesterday-was-thursday/allergies/

    So yes, Billie is the Alpha bongo, and I need to thank my brain for double-checking before I wrote something stupid and got flack for it from all parties.

    1. Boom

      Research!

      1. Osaru Sensei

        SCIENCE!

  19. Cumberbatch

    Looking at the poster on the wall, it’s no wonder Ruth is depressed and drinking. She’s a Leafs fan!

  20. Leonou

    Seriously, Biillie keeps getting better and better! She’s awesome !

  21. timemonkey

    Come on Billie, make like a cheerleader and high kick her problems away.

  22. Aras Pabedinskas

    Oh I’m sure it’ll be depression keep away with the Maple Leafs being a factor. HAY OH!

  23. Drazisil

    I’m liking Billie.

  24. Somebody

    Can she get contacts instead? I like her green eyes.

  25. Kernanator

    Billie, I’ve always liked you. And now, my like for you is justified beyond, “She’s hot and is deeper than she first appears.”

  26. Ashley

    No place safer than another person’s liver.
    Good thinking there, Billie.

  27. Kernanator

    Also, I think that Ruth’s last line seems to be more appropriate for the title of the book, given what we’ve seen so far.

  28. Tom Speelman

    And I would welcome that title, Willis!

  29. Uniqueantique

    Depression Musical Chairs and the theme from ‘MASH’ Suicide is Painless.
    Through early morning fog I see
    visions of the things to be
    the pains that are withheld for me
    I realize and I can see…
    [REFRAIN]:
    that suicide is painless
    it brings on many changes
    and I can take or leave it if I please.
    I try to find a way to make
    all our little joys relate
    without that ever-present hate
    but now I know that it’s too late, and…
    [REFRAIN]
    The game of life is hard to play
    I’m gonna lose it anyway
    The losing card I’ll someday lay
    so this is all I have to say.
    [REFRAIN]
    The only way to win is cheat
    And lay it down before I’m beat
    and to another give my seat
    for that’s the only painless feat.
    [REFRAIN]
    The sword of time will pierce our skins
    It doesn’t hurt when it begins
    But as it works its way on in
    The pain grows stronger…watch it grin, but…
    [REFRAIN]
    A brave man once requested me
    to answer questions that are key
    is it to be or not to be
    and I replied ‘oh why ask me?’
    [REFRAIN]
    ‘Cause suicide is painless
    it brings on many changes
    and I can take or leave it if I please.
    …and you can do the same thing if you please.

  30. Davriel

    …you rock, billie

  31. Count Dracula

    …she wants Ruth to wear her glasses in the shower?

    1. Heavensrun

      She wants Ruth to make it to the shower without walking into a doorframe.

      1. John

        Given how much Ruth’s drunk, I don’t know how much the glasses will help.

  32. Kiggy

    Again, Billie’s centerfold figure ^_^ in panel 3

  33. Platinakettu

    Good work Billie. Assist Ruth in taking her live back and heal her. And when Ruth is feelign better she can heal you back.

  34. Platinakettu

    Also in a comedic twist; when Billie guides Ruth to the showers they continue their discussion and say something that can be misinterpeted.
    This will of course be overheard (unbeknowst by our duo) by Walky or Joyce. Who will then assume that Ruth and Billie are an couple and spread this “misconception” around.

    This will then leave our dynamic duo to wonder why everyone is assuming that they are a couple, even when they are not yet an couple.

  35. Beige

    ah, billy, your comment to joyce that everyone tries bisexuality in college is going to bite you in the as soon 😉

    1. Wack'd

      No, pretty sure Ruth’s gonna be doing that.

    2. John

      Maybe I’m just stereotyping cheerleaders, but I’m far from convinced that Billie waited for college to try it.

      She’s tried to hit on Sal twice now (and I don’t even know what was going on between them at the beach, but I can’t dismiss the idea that Billie was trying to keep Sal’s hotness for herself), is totally comfortable with recommending lesbian sex as a solution to Sarah’s interpersonal problems, tells Joyce that bicuriosity is something everyone does, and her first reaction to Ruth kissing her was to kiss back. And her issue with that has never been, “Ew, my lips touched girl lips!” but, “Man, Ruth needs to stop being such a psycho punchmonger.”

      I wonder if it’d be a worthy Willisesque twist if it turned out that Billie was banging half the squad back in high school, and part of the reason Ruth’s been so weird about this whole thing is that she’s never had these kinds of feelings for a girl before. Everyone seems to be assuming that it’s the other way around…

  36. Notebooked

    I like this part of Billie showing up again. She’s very thoughtful when she wants to be/is in a position to be, as she’s shown previously with Joyce.

  37. TJ Baltimore

    Billie is Alpha bongo . . . and maybe Alpha bongo coule be AmaziGirl? So . . . then Billie is AmaziGirl . . . and is dedicated to figuring out who AmaziGirl is . . . so Billie is Sybil (and/or possibly Sally Field)? I’m so confused . . .

    Or maybe Alpha bongo should be AmaziGirl’s arch-nemesis. Every superhero needs one.

    1. xain

      nah if anything the Alpha-bongo is an Anti-Hero

    2. Throng

      If I follow Marvel right, Alpha bongo would be the Canadian government’s attempt to field its own AmaziGirl. 😉

  38. Foxhack

    Take it away for safekeeping
    Get caught in the next strip with the bottle
    Get in trouble.

    1. John

      Yeah, Billie’s gotta watch out. The RA might bust her.

  39. Ivresse

    Wait, Billie wants Ruth to put on her glasses before going into the shower?

  40. Colineo

    Wait. Let’s look at Ruth’s interaction with Billy:

    1) Identified student (S’) most likely to be a potential problem in a dry dorm.
    2) Studied S’s records to identify strengths and weaknesses.
    3) Established self as alpha female in dorm.
    4) Engaged S’ to demonstrate dominance.
    5) Took prized possession from S’, baiting retaliation.
    5) Left signs of vulnerability (call, alcohol), leading S’ to believe she had a trump card.
    7) Used booze and apparent stalemate as grounds for budding companionship, obvious favoritism towards S’.
    8) Made sudden, aggressive romantic advance on S’. S’, thoroughly confused, reacts angrily, tempted to old habits.
    10) Avoids further interaction, but leaves signs of distress.
    11) S’ driven to investigate, sees respected and feared peer in ruins due to S’s own preferred vice.
    12) Alcohol usage now tied to sense of shame and concern for sympathetic S’. S’ inspired to drink responsibly, if not seeking sobriety.
    13) Potential threat to dorm integrity converted to dependable ally. S’ Neutralized.

    Well played, Ruth.

  41. OmegaDez

    Aw.

    I didn’t want this sweet story arc to end. I hope it continues…

  42. slicey

    am i the only one concerned that she told her to put on her glasses then shower?

    because showering in glasses not smart…

    1. HK-A6A7

      At least is better than showering over glasses.

    2. Ivresse

      Scroll up a bit 🙂

  43. Regalli

    Yeah, it’s gonna be tough to top that one.

    … Still not as excellent a phrase as “the cragged shame-pits of the lustwolves”, though. That one’s SPECIAL.

  44. Kitty

    I was depressed so I started abusing depressants…it seemed like a good idea at the time?

  45. Okami

    I at first started reading Ruth’s response in penal 3 as “your overconfidence is your greatest weakness”.

    But I see Ruth as more of an Empire Strikes Back type.

  46. nothri

    Ruth doesn’t need to worry about the alcohol. If Billie drinks it, Ruth can still get a decent contact high. Just needs to attach her lips firmly and apply enough suction to get the full effect.

    1. Animal

      Attach her lips where, precisely?

  47. Animal

    My Dad used to tell me about playing Depression Musical Chairs during the actual Depression. You know, the Great Depression, which wasn’t so much great as a huge steaming pile of suck.

    The way he told it, they only had a three-legged stool and couldn’t afford music, so the game was over pretty quickly.

    Or is Ruth talking about something else?

  48. Jay

    Alpha bongo, defender of the drunk and helpless (and knocked up)! xD

  49. Jenny Creed

    You say “alpha bongo”, I say “good person”.

    Really I find it weird you’d need some edgy title for that. Makes those sound like controversial things to do. Like I’m not complaining about you preventing rapists or anything but castrating them might be more in the line of pushing the envelope.

  50. Gargamel

    Lex Luthor thinks he’s trying to solve a problem to.

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