149

Criminals
Posted on April 2, 2024 by David M Willis

149 thoughts on “Criminals”

  1. NGPZ

    It’s too late Joyce.

    THEY already know.

    *plays “pa$$ the time” by Bronze on hacked muzak*

    1. True Survivor

      Great avatar choice for tonight.

    2. Lien

      So it is actually possible to beat Ana Chronistic to the first post ?

      1. NGPZ

        Possible but not easy.

        This is what I do instead of going after P-ranks in Pizza Tower XD

  2. Doctor_Who

    Further subsequent searches:

    “Where can I buy a cat? Time sensitive!”

    “Do the Feds know whether you own a cat?”

    “Do Feds like being called that? Or is it like calling cops pigs?”

    “Not that I would ever do that! I actually like pigs! Pigs are cute! Especially baby pigs!”

    “Where can I buy a pig?”

    1. Taffy

      The cops love being called pigs, wym?

    2. Dante

      Safely buying a pig is a risky maneuver only politicians seem to have mastered. It’s a gamble otherwise

      1. clif

        Voting for a politician is kind of like buying a pig in a poke to the ribs.

    3. Needfuldoer

      If you need a cat, the Cat Distribution System will provision one for you.

      1. clif

        Is that what the CDS does? I wondered.

      2. Pergola

        It’s how I got my cat.

    4. ValdVin

      1) Borrow a car.
      2) Drive down a country road.
      3) Be overwhelmed by felines.
      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wgfdC6LVBbg

  3. Ana Chronistic

    tagged by the Federal Bureau of Intoxication

  4. Sirksome

    This is ridiculous. They both know Ruth.

    1. True Survivor

      Yeah, but would you want to ask her how to get drunk on her hall?

      1. foamy

        They also both know Jennifer.

        1. Reltzik

          Jennifer would know how to get booze.

          But that alcohol would come in the form of mixed drinks, incorporating all the bad ideas ever.

    2. anon

      not sure ruth’s current opinion on joyce/if she’s ‘aware’ of all the major changes she’s been through but i’d expect her to prolly raise an eyebrow if joyce approached her for it even if she was with dorothy

      or she ends up trolling them with a non alcoholic beer pack and they cant tell teh difference

      1. Needfuldoer

        Honestly, some of them are pretty close to their regular counterparts.

      2. Gigafreak

        Ruth press-gangs a certain former bartender (Jason) into brewing mocktails for Joyce and Dorothy. Because Jason’s life is just not weird enough yet, and continued repeated exposure to Dorothy’s issues is helping to address this deficiency.

  5. IntangibleMatter

    First of all, Joyce needs to learn how to use TOR.

    Second of all, piracy is a lot easier (and arguably more fun.) Ask Amber how, she’s definitely done her share.

    1. Taffy

      You wouldn’t download alcohol

      1. Masumi

        I totally would if I could!

        It’s not like the bacteria producing it are being paid their fair share anyway…

      2. Tan

        I would never trust a downloaded mind-altering substance, as a rule.

        1. Reltzik

          Do news feeds count?

        2. clif

          I’m trying to figure out if there’s anything on the Internet that doesn’t count.

        3. Reltzik

          Tracking cookies that operate without the user’s awareness.

        4. clif

          They aren’t directly mind altering I’ll give you, but their entire point is that they can be used in mind altering ways.

    2. Daibhid C

      Google’s “where can I get a galleon and a parrot.”

      1. clif

        And for only € 130.40 https://www.meisterdrucke.ie/fine-art-prints/Alessandro-Lonati/1458821/Caribbean-pirate-with-parrot-looking-for-a-treasure-in-a-cave-on-a-beach%2C-with-galleon.-Drawing-by-Alessandro-Lonati..html

  6. Nono

    Y’know, if Dorothy wanted to do ‘good things’ without the public scrutiny and challenges of presidency, maybe she could join the FBI.

    1. Thag Simmons

      If you no longer want to go into politics because you’re worried that success would require compromising your principles and committing unethical acts in order to get ahead, I feel like going to work for the FBI is the opposite of solving those issues.

      It’s like not wanting to be a sailor because you’re thalassophobic and deciding to become an offshore repair diver instead.

    2. Sirksome

      There’s no way in our current system for Dorothy to enact the changes she wants to on such a scale she dreams of without compromising some morals. The riddle is out can she enact the most change while compromising the least. Honestly she should be getting real chummy with Carla and/or start developing breakthroughs in emerging technologies so she can fast track to billionairedom and start influencing our social and political systems through the private sector. America’s basically a playground for the hyper rich, her best shot is to try and be as ethical a one as possible. Maybe put actual effort into charity, affordable housing development, education, ect, instead of building stupid cars, ruining social media platforms, hocking bad alcohol, and derailing public transportation projects for hypothetical 3D concept art.

      1. spriteless aunty

        I don’t know the last 2 there.

        1. thejeff

          I hadn’t heard of it either, but apparently Musk has sold both Tesla beer and tequila?
          I think the last one is his Boring Co. project, but I’d say it was more derailing the public transport using concept art because less cars would be bad for his business.

    3. Lien

      I guess that joining the FBI being considered a good thing is quite fitting from a selfish asshole having been raised in a mobster family…

  7. HueSatLight

    Dorothy’s “I want to kiss Joyce” eyes.

    1. Dday

      Man I knew I couldn’t be the only one thinking that, holy moly panel two

      1. Dante

        And all the following panels. I got flustered!!1!1

    2. GholaHalleck

      I am almost eager for this clusterfuck of bisexual disaster.

      1. David DeLaney

        as per comment currently above yours,
        “did you mean: flustercuck?”

    3. Dara

      YAAAAAS YES YES YES that’s what I came here to type

      exactly this

    4. Rabid Rabbit

      It honestly took me a moment to realize that those were Joyce’s own hands over her mouth and not Dorothy calming her down.

    5. HueSatLight

      Same eyes Ethan had when he went to make a move on the personification of his trauma.

    6. NGPZ

      LOL

  8. Icalasari

    I actually forgot they aren’t 21 yet. Guess partially because the idea of Joyce breaking the law feels like it would make her combust into flame

    1. Thag Simmons

      night’s still young

    2. Loki

      I forgot they are in America.

    3. Reltzik

      Combusting into flame due to shame, embarrassment, or anxiety is an urban myth. If spontaneous human combustion happens at all, it seems to be linked to copious consumption of alcohol.

      …

      1. Woop de doop

        Ahahahaha

        1. Woop de doop

          Oh shit that was meant to be a reply for another comment :/

        2. Mturtle7

          I mean, still appropriate here, though! At least in my, darkly humorous, opinion.

  9. Taffy

    Dorothy is already a criminal. We’ve seen her drinking alcohol at least three other times.

  10. Dante

    I can only say the faces here are killing me. There’s just too much fondness going around. So much…. I only realized on third sight Dorothy was putting her arms around Joyce in those last panels.

    I know it’s not going to happen but Willis, this is mean, that’s the kind of expression one makes when you’re about to kiss your bff.

    1. Coatl

      The expressions have many meanings, but it’s true, here they imply a romantic meaning, but it can also be read as “Well, I think it’s time for me to really relax”, because it’s just that, two friends who want to relax. (clarifying the friendship aspect)

    2. LaGrosseLegume

      Oh, ya right. I haven’t noticed that her arms a going around Joyce. Good eye!

    3. Reltzik

      Yeah, it’s definitely not going to happen. Dorothy knows that kissing Joyce is a bad choice for several reasons, her personality is still built around responsibility and so provides inhibitions against doing something like that, and nothing’s going to happen anytime soon that will lower those inhibitions.

      1. Woop de doop

        Who knows what’s gonna happen. WHO KNOWS

    4. anonymsly

      Dorothy’s not putting her arms around Joyce, though? She’s taking hold of Joyce’s upper arms like you do for someone who’s freaking out and needs to hold still.

      As per usual, I am flabbergasted at the number of people whose position here is ‘omg YAY CHEATING’ when the usual position of the commentariat is ‘BURN THEM’. Joyce is still in a relationship, with which she is still happy. She said so herself in the previous strip!

      1. Coco

        I don’t want Dorothy to kiss Joyce, I only want Dorothy to want to kiss Joyce.

        1. Woop de doop

          THE ANGST

      2. Li

        Honestly friend you’re talking about two entirely different groups of people. All we have in common with the people who were getting super bent out of shape during the Fake Dating subplot with Joyce and Jacob is that all of us read the same comic.

        It’s not hypocrisy, it’s “Jane has a different opinion about fictional cheating than Jill does”.

      3. Dante

        I have nothing against Joe and Joyce – They’re super sweet and I liked the slow burn we (comparatively) got, them getting together is the most I’ve liked a straight ship in ages skdgjs

        But for starters Li and Coco here are right. Also consider: This webcomic is my telenovela, my OTP is drama/DoA, and gay yearning is what I love the best ;33

        1. Aura

          “my OTP is drama/DoA, and gay yearning is what I love the best”

          It’s like you reached into my heart and put what you found there into words ?

        2. Li

          +500 to this

  11. Schpoonman

    Joyce, you know Joe has access to alcohol.

    1. DailyBrad

      Hmm, why does he? Not like I doubt it, I am just forgetting if he had a specific hook-up.

      1. AeromechanicalAce

        I’m 90% sure his dad would give him alcohol if asked. Especially if he said it was for a girl.

      2. Schpoonman

        He casually got drunk last semester (came to class hungover) and there wasn’t a big noise made about it so I’m assuming it wasn’t a strenuous task.

  12. Mollyscribbles

    Joyce, please — next time, make it look like you were doing research for your writing. Way more plausible than a cat typing it.

    1. Dante

      It’s a great advice , though there’s a point you probably still land on some kind of list ?

    2. anon

      I wonder if ‘how to hide a dead body’ search outta curiosity ever actually impedes actual ppl’s investigations

  13. Slartibeast Button, BIA

    They fought the Law.

    The Law won.

  14. DailyBrad

    Too fucking adorable. Ironically, illegally adorable.

  15. Throwatron

    You’re right, Joyce. Your cat did absolutely type that.

    1. David DeLaney

      on the internet, nobody knows
      it wasn’t a dog

  16. Steelbright

    I hope she found the illustrated Wikihow

    1. LaGrosseLegume

      And it was utterly ridiculous and little disturbing

  17. HueSatLight

    lots of vanilla extract.
    mouthwash.
    cooking wine.
    Time travel to the 90s and get Zima.

    1. morleuca

      Oh my gods, Zima! I loved that stuff! In retrospect I’m not entirely sure why

    2. Pergola

      You can get ‘spiked soda’ today which is essentially the same thing.

  18. Mewzard

    “Trystin’ in the Wind” is certainly an interesting chapter title for the chapter about Joyce and Dorothy sneaking out together to go get a drink together.

    And I love Dorothy’s reaction to pretty much everything Joyce says here.

    1. a/snow/mous/e

      a drunken kiss, then joyce freaks out to joe and he’s like “hey, whatever makes you happy”, and joyce discovers polyamory

      1. Li

        She already knows about polyamory! She has asked Sierra et al about their deal in a bonus strip on Patreon, as you can see from the preview panel about it.

  19. milu

    Q: How do crime?
    A: Be gay

    1. Bryy

      Yeah, we’re being baited so fucking hard.

      1. Woop de doop

        That’s true…it will likely not go the way I want it to go.

        1. a/snow/mous/e

          are you sure you want Dorothy to start a habit of kissing people who are in monogamous relationships??

        2. Woop de doop

          Sure why not lol

        3. Tesset

          Only other girls. Especially if it gets them out of icky hetero relationships (⌒_⌒;)

  20. milu

    Anyway, THE GOVERNMENT KNOWS WHEN YOU MASTURBATE

    1. Needfuldoer

      Ceiling Cat snitched?!

    2. Roborat

      Well, that was . . . something.

    3. HueSatLight

      is my FBI minder going to worry about me if I don’t?

  21. LaGrosseLegume

    Don’t be the weird one, but why this Dorothy’s “Focus, Joyce”… sounds really soft in my head…
    Fuck my gay ass…

    1. Mturtle7

      Not really what I’m into, but I respect your desire for it. And I’m sure SOMEBODY in this comment section would be willing to do it. As long as you use proper lubrication!

  22. Suet

    She knew a cat would type it, because Snoop would never. Or you can just use not-Google.

    Oh how the almighty have fallen

    1. Taffy

      Of course Snoop would never, Carol had him put down.

  23. anon

    at this idk about doorthy but at this point joyce could prolly placebo her way into getting drunk or getting rum cakes XD

    or, just make lean https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Qf7Nwt6AUFI

    And enjoy wide angle shots of cute animals https://youtu.be/JKQ1uFSVRJk?feature=shared

    1. Dante

      Fam I fully respect the recipe but, even though Joyce already does Sprite + pills together, lean is probs too strong a start

  24. Bash

    These dorks.

  25. Farmer_10

    Joyce Brown, great at crime

    1. Jeremiah

      Joyce: I stole some bubblegum!

      1. a/snow/mous/e

        I’m here to do crime and chew bubblegum, and I’m all out of bubblegum cash

  26. AbacusWizard

    Dumbing of Age, Book 17: Let’s Go Become Criminals

  27. DashWallkick

    the Dorothy/Joyce relationship in short is “let’s go do something fun!” and Dorothy going, “…I will set an appointment.”

  28. C.T. Phipps

    In Indiana, I could actually see Joyce being monitored by people who think her involvement in what is probably nationally famous scandals (Far Right anti-LGBT campus shooter bailed out by church to do it again, pastor’s son slashed to pieces) has her presenting a culture war threat.

    Plus, there’s all the LGBT PROPAGANDA she puts out in her Julia comics!

    1. Ed Callahan

      They’d be spending all their time in court, when they weren’t appearing in true crime shows and investigative documentaries across media formats.

      1. C.T. Phipps

        Poor Julia Gray (the names changed to protect the innocent) will be several Neflix series in this universe.

    2. Amós Batista

      That’s a huge plot I never thought about!

  29. Bryy

    DO CRIMES, YOU SAY?

  30. CrazyJ

    That’s one smooth criminal

  31. Acher4

    I know the limit for drinking in USA is 21, but it just feels so weird reading “underage” for a couple of 18 year olds, going on 19.

    1. monkyvirus

      Yeah every time I see it in US media I’m so confused. College kids in America seem to drink as much as us UK ones (based solely on media representation) but that’s so bizarre considering us Brits are usually of legal age in first year of uni. Do American students mostly not drink until they’re 21?

      1. thejeff

        No, they drink illegally.

  32. DarkoNeko

    the loiud shipper squeeeee’ing in the background is getting unbearable lol

    1. David DeLaney

      have you tried throwing them a Patreon panel or tewo
      so that it goes supersonic

  33. Disastroid

    You’ve been struck by whatever is the opposite of a smooth criminal

  34. Katherine

    I forgot about the drinking age in america for a minute

  35. Plaaaaaa

    When is Dorothy going to mention Jennifer already offered to get her booze?

  36. Wraithy2773

    No, Joyce, the FBI does not care about your underage drinking.

    That said, the university is most likely logging your internet search history if you’re doing it on the college internet, and probably looking for keywords just in case.

    1. HueSatLight

      keyword: civil rights

    2. Pergola

      Does anyone here think that deleting your search history actually does anything? Beyond removing -your- access to it?

      1. HueSatLight

        It’s so your parents, roommate, spouse, children, or grandchildren don’t see.

  37. Oatmeal Pie

    So, we’ve gone from “hey, maybe Dorothy needs to get laid” to “hey, maybe Dorothy needs to get drunk” (even though she has already done some day drinking at Ruth’s” but still no “hey, maybe someone needs to ask Dorothy what’s wrong”?

    I know, I know, it’s be a less interesting story if that happened but still.

    1. a/snow/mous/e

      “hey, maybe Dorothy needs therapy”

      1. a/snow/mous/e

        but then again, don’t we all

      2. Jeremiah

        *”Dorothy need to actually open up to her therapist about her issues.

        1. clif

          Keep in mind that once you’re president, all of your political opponents are going to be offering your therapist the big bucks to aid them in their “research.”

        2. Pergola

          Dorothy lies to her therapist. If she is half as smart as Booster, she sees through the lies. Which tells her what she needs to know.

    2. Mturtle7

      “It wouldn’t be as interesting as story”, is not actually the problem here, though I get why that would be your go-to explanation.

      The truth is, plenty of people have asked Dorothy what’s wrong, including (especially) herself! The problem isn’t that she doesn’t have anybody to talk to, the problem is that she doesn’t know what to SAY. As she put it a few weeks back (real time), “<a href="https://www.dumbingofage.com/2024/comic/book-14/03-trystin-in-the-wind/pushme/&quot; When *I* figure out what's wrong with me, I'll let you know!”

      Communication and empathy is GOOD, broadly speaking, but not EVERY mental health problem can be solved by sitting the afflicted person down and asking them to talk to you about their feelings! And while “hijinks that are meant to help going disastrously wrong” are a staple of soap opera conflicts everywhere, sometimes you actually DO need to push someone into having new experiences, or new relationships, or a surprise situation, in order to help them get out of a mental health spiral. Just because it’s a stereotype doesn’t necessarily mean it’s always wrong!

      …Yes, I know that Jennifer, Ruth, Becky, and everyone else who’ve tried to “help” Dorothy with their hijinks all failed rather spectacularly, but they didn’t HAVE to, is what I’m saying.

      1. HueSatLight

        Someone else could tell her exactly what’s up with her, and it wouldn’t solve it. It might help, but ultimately she has to free herself.

        I’m not sure karaoke failed spectacularly. It may just be better to keep us in the dark for now for warp and weft reasons.

      2. Mark

        Hence Joyce’s idea: hang out with Dorothy in a relaxing setting and just talk until something starts to come out. Less ambush-y.

    3. Amós Batista

      What if, in reality, there’s nothing wrong with Dorothy, and she is at her humanity peak, facing a wacky and cruel world, and facing her own limitations?

      1. HueSatLight

        Dorothy duckduckgoing: “How to revolt against the absurd”

  38. thumb

    Joyce has no idea how people look up porn online, much less look *at* porn.

    1. Hof1991

      She did find Joe and Roz online. And she reads Amber’s fanfic.

      On a serious note, everything you do online is being recorded and your data is being sold. Feature not bug. Even incognito tabs are tracked.

      1. clif

        it’s okay. I’m remotely using your computer.

      2. Lien

        *Everything you do incompetently*, like for example trusting the incognito mode.
        FTFY.

  39. Lysbeth

    Dumbing of Age book 14: I Did a Subsequent Google Search for “Don’t Worry my Cat Accidentally Typed That” So Maybe I’m Good

  40. clif

    I see from the poll that twice as many people think Sarah has changed a little than as harbor perverse sexual lust. That’s pretty impressive.

  41. Nothri

    Your first mistake was using Google instead of a good search engine

  42. BBCC

    Oh yeah, the FBI cares a LOT about that underage drinking list. XD

  43. Mturtle7

    The first three DuckDuckGo results for “Don’t Worry my Cat Accidentally Typed That”, for those who are curious:
    https://www.catster.com/lifestyle/cat-walked-on-keyboard/
    https://techsynchron.com/cat-walked-on-keyboard-no-cursor/
    https://techsynchron.com/cat-walked-on-keyboard/

  44. Da Boy

    Suddenly I crave Dotty and Joyce cosplaying as Marcille and Falin…

    1. Arianod

      Thank you for that mental image ^^

  45. Rabisch

    Dorothy can imagine every Joyce actions and find everything she do adorable. This is really cute.

  46. Hinoron

    ..I keep forgetting that the drinking age in the USA is 21 (highest in the world?) and therefor college aged students drinking at social is illegal (not that it seems to stop or slow down anyone, mind you).
    Is there a point to passing a law almost no one is going to respect or adhere to?
    Is it just more Universal Criminality in practice? Creating a society where government enforcers can arrest anyone they want at any time, and justify a reason after the fact?

    Deep thoughts for a comic about two pretty smart girls off to have a beer.

  47. Kaiyalai

    I love these two so much.

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