164

Bottle
Posted on October 2, 2014 by David M Willis
jocelyne2014bSeptember 2014's monthly bonus strip has gone up on the Dumbing of Age Patreon site!  Folks voted overwhelmingly for the exclusive strip to be about Jocelyne, so if you wanna get your Jos on, log in or become a Patron!  Voting on October 2014's bonus strip's character has also begun.

164 thoughts on “Bottle”

  1. Camachri

    Not sure if DEET-DEET is morning birds, or Other Jacob running out of batteries.

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      I have no idea what it could possibly be.

    2. Rosicrucian

      Or, y’know, her alarm clock.

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        The last alarm clock I own was a btzzzzzzzzzzz sound.

        1. Regalli

          The last two I’ve gotten both made noises that could best be onomatopoeia-ed as “deet!”

          Best described, on the other hand, sounds something more like the awful grating screams of a robot baby.

        2. Yet_One_More_Idiot

          I had an alarm clock that did an irritating “deet deet” sound too, but it was way too quiet to ever wake up my heavy-sleeping ass. Then I got a new alarm clock as an Xmas prezzie one year, and every morning it was me up with the most obnoxious dance music and screaming “OPEN YOUR MIND!”

        3. isitsevenyet

          My husband doesn’t respond well to alarm clocks either. I had to buy an old-school ringy-dingy bell clock for him, and so far that one works pretty well.

        4. Deanatay

          In my experience, a good alarm clock makes a noise that is the most irritating thing you can imagine, and is juuuuust out of reach from being able to turn it off from the bed. In short, the Carla of timekeeping devices.

        5. Yet_One_More_Idiot

          Being out of reach of the bed is no guarantee that it’ll work on me – I have mine 10ft away on the other side of the room, and I cannot tell you how many times over the years I’ve woken up LATE, to find I’d switched off my alarm clock in my sleep.

          Sometimes I really hate that I’m a sleepwalker… xD

        6. showler

          They make an alarm for that. It runs away from you.

        7. isitsevenyet

          Also known as a toddler. 😉

        8. Yet_One_More_Idiot

          Haha. But as I have to keep my alarm clock on a high shelf (only place for it) that’d be a bad idea. Also I’m surprisingly aware in my sleep. 😉

        9. Dragon_Nataku

          oh gods, my little brother has one of those. If I had to deal with that myself I would probably murder the universe. I am NOT a morning person

        10. Marisa Mockery

          Dude I will dress or undress myself in my sleep if it’s too hot/cold, take off jewelry, and/or take out earplugs. I have no idea how I do it.

        11. kelticat

          My dad had one that sounded like the alarm used for diving submarines. The first few times it went off, my mom would hear him yelling “DIVE, DIVE, DIVE!” in his sleep. He soon replaced it with a clock radio.

        12. Jen Aside

          I have one I got when I was twelve[!!!] that STILL works, and STILL makes what an ex called “The Sound of Hell” [steady irritating bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt buzzer that is in fact quite hellacious in combination with lucid sleep paralysis]

        13. Animal

          I have a custom alarm clock. It uses a recording of Brian Blessed shouting “WAKE UP YOU BASTARD! IT’S BLOODY MORNING ALREADY! GET YOUR ARSE UP!”

      2. Tunaro

        It could be 2 & 3. Though she’d probably be a bit more chipper…

    3. sps48

      Deet is the bane of my existence.

    4. Yotomoe

      Joyce is actually just standing next to Sarah’s bed saying “Deet-Deet”

      1. Koms

        It’s the sound that white board ding dong bandeets make.

    5. MrSirk

      It’s gotta be the next door neighbors running that early morning dub step.

      1. Disloyal Subject

        Still better than the alarm-clock deet deet noise. Though I’m sure there’s dubstep mixes of that.

      2. gwalla

        No, that’s be WOBWOBWOBWOBWOBWOB WOB WOB WOBWOBWOB

        1. anonymous

          I thought that was the adults from Charlie Brown.

        2. gwalla

          Fun fact: dubstep basslines are actually vocals, delivered by a basso profundo from the Charlie Brown universe

        3. Killjoy

          Was hoping for more Sal… should have known better.

          🙂

        4. Killjoy

          Wait, how did that comment get there and the other comment I made that was supposed to be a reply to that one end up missing? Here was supposed to be this link:

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwZwkk7q25I

  2. Plasma Mongoose

    GAHHH! Morning cheerfulness!

    1. Tunaro

      The Early Bird gets the worm. I make sure I get the Early Bird plucked and fried on a breakfast plate.

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        The early bird might get the worm but it’s the second rat who gets the cheese.

        1. Jen Aside

          In fact, that is a horrible myth–rats and mice WILL eat cheese but SHOULD NOT because they are quite lactose intolerant. [Also, bleu cheese will KILL them.]

        2. tinfoil theory

          No wonder they prefer peanuts, then.

        3. kelticat

          But then you get the dogs caught in the traps.

        4. Plasma Mongoose

          I know chihuahuas are small but they’re not THAT small.

        5. hof1991

          so I should put blue cheese in my traps? I want to kill them twice.

        6. Deanatay

          Perfect bait for traps, then.

          Yes, people traps would use cheesecake.

        7. Plasma Mongoose

          As in pictures featuring women posing in a way which sexual attractiveness or the dessert?

      2. newllend

        Throws some pepper on that shit.

      3. Malchus

        “The Early Bird gets the worm.”

        Is that what they’re calling it now?

      4. Stephen Bierce

        The Early Worm Had a Death Wish.

        1. Hoodiecrow

          “The early bird can have the stupid worm ’cause mornings and worms suck.”

      5. Kryss LaBryn

        The Early Worm gets eaten.

      6. JA

        The early bird gets the worm so it’s already stuffed when I eat it

        1. gwalla

          Mmm, worm stuffing

  3. AgentKeen

    Wait, is the alt-text not working and just showing the title… oh, nope, nevermind. Alt-text isn’t a morning person, either.

  4. Romanticide

    I honestly can’t understand morning persons >.>

    1. anonymous

      Stupid circadian rhythms keeping me from being healthy, wealthy, and wise…
      Damn you, rhythms!

    2. deathjavu

      Much like chocolate haters, I believe these “people” are actual alien reptiles in human skin. Be warned.

      1. anonymous

        Whoa, déjà vu… Wait a minute!

  5. MrSirk

    You can find bottles of “Good Morning Joyce” at participating retailers near you!

    1. TheZachariah

      Yep, they sell things kind of like that.

  6. Mr. Random

    I see Sarah’s a morning person too.

  7. Yotomoe

    I’m gonna jerk it just cuz I know that’s how I know to get rid of you.

    1. Disloyal Subject

      If I had a nickel…

      1. Arkadi

        …I’d nickel in the morning.

        1. saltchocolate

          I’d nickel in the evening . . .

        2. Leorale

          All over this la-and!

        3. Arkadi

          It’s a nickel of murder!

        4. Jen Aside

          It’s a nickel of banging! (moms)

      2. Kryss LaBryn

        And a mom…

      3. Rusty Shackleford

        I’d buy your mom.

    2. Adam Black

      Oh yes, That is how you get rid of me… don’t do that.

  8. Cephalo the Pod

    It isn’t a new book until someone wakes up with Joyce near them.

  9. Opus the Poet

    I’m “Not A F***ing Morning Person” also. Goes well with being an unkillable badass…

  10. Emperor Kiva

    Never heard of that one, Sarah.

  11. TheZachariah

    If I read these comics in the morning I’d be like Sarah, “Nothing any of these m*$%&er f&*%ckers write is f*!cking funny ever.”

  12. GoogerGeiger

    Joyce can be annoying sometimes.

    1. Yotomoe

      But luckily she’s irritating 24/7.

      1. newllend

        Sometimes you just want to punch her in the face while she’s sleeping.

        1. MrSirk

          Or choke her when you see her face hovering over you creepily when you wake up.

        2. Kryss LaBryn

          Hey, at least she’s trying.

          And sometimes very trying.

        3. JA

          She’s a very trying person, yes

      2. Adam Black

        LOL
        Yotomoe , we read Piles of the same webcomics, and after reading hundreds of your comments, my brain has refiled you as ‘on-line acquaintance’ ; then ‘online friend’ ; ‘online friend I never talk to’ ; and finally refiled myself as a weird stalker for never saying Hi. Sometimes my brain is a basterd

        I’m also having Deja Vu so I may have already written this.

        Hmm. Now my brain is telling me you must have 1000 online fans, even more socially inept than I, that havent said “hello” to you. Oh, No. That would make me their ambassador, wouldn’t it?
        Dammit, I didnt really want a job. ( But if it pays.. ? ) I just wanted to tell you that I thought you were funny, and that I existed.

        If the vast silent Yoto-horde ask , i dunno. Just tell them i said , ‘we like you’ , and made a funny ( nonsexist ) Joke about , say, ladies bottoms, that put you at ease. Even though in my terrible, decaffeinated, physical condition , I couldnt do that., ( Or did I ? )

        1. Yotomoe

          Stop! You’ll make me Blush! Thank you for your kind words. I’m sure I’m not as popular as you think I am.

        2. Adam Black

          If you say so, Yotomoe …
          (But that’s one of the few things I know, that Ladies Like:
          men who blush easy. That and confidence. Which are kind of total opposites.

          AdamTip19: You got to find an incident that makes you feel mortified, Blush-city ; yet doesnt impede your confidence, to be able dial-up-the-elusive Factor_Cute on command, without causing social- paralysis. Thats really hard )

          Oh no! after growing up a very unpopular person, becoming popular, then shunned massively; I have an instinct for these things.

          You are well liked, maybe even loved my masses of people reading your comments. You are the IT-kid, you are the Dude. You got funny, you got self-insight. You put people at ease,

          If people see me chatting you up, they might even say hi to me.
          < Rubs some of Yotomoes popularity onto me

          Dammit, you said to stop, and i just got carried away again. You are probably completely red! & Literally thousands of people will probably read this too. ( Quick take a selfie! ) .

          There are probably even fence-sitter reading this too, who up to this moment were only lukewarm towards you, but now seeing its a movement arent going to be left out. Cats-out-of-the-bag. Ive convinced them too, I'm sure.

          I'm sorry, again . It will probably only happen again a few more times.
          But maybe this can be that moment, of those elusive thoroughly embushening, yet, not confidence killing-moments. Stick in your back pocket with your cool wallet, and anime house-keys , and it will be there when you need it. There will be some young lady, whos eyes are scanning for the cutest thing, and you will remember I said this, & BOOM!

          I guess i see you are around on Octopus Pie, Willis-Verse, Broodhollow ( maybe )

          ( Yotomoe talked to me , Achievement unlocked !
          Ok that was on purpose and totally uncalled for . From now i will only praise you for concrete things, and not elusive awesome-factor . You are complete human being, and not just some great commenter on teh webcomics. I will try and Respect —dAMMIT

  13. Kernanator

    One of these days, I will figure out how to stab the sun.

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      I would like the Sun a lot more if I was Kryptonian.

      1. Kernanator

        I’m pretty sure I’d like a lot of things more if I were Kryptonian.

        1. Plasma Mongoose

          Sex with normal humans might not be so great though.

        2. John

          Eh, old hat. Try Man of Steel, Woman of Steel, Bed of Kleenex.

        3. Catullus

          …And then chair of Kleenex, and desk of Kleenex, and end table of Kleenex, and sink of Kleenex…

        4. Plasma Mongoose

          World of Kleenex™

        5. Roborat

          What the heck would they make the condoms out of???

  14. dailybrad

    Sarah doesn’t like mornings. Or pants, really.

    1. Yotomoe

      Clearly my dream girl.

      1. tinfoil theory

        I bet Sierra is a morning person.

      2. Deanatay

        Nah, she’s wearing socks.

        1. Yotomoe

          Naked butts trump naked feet. Although both is always appreciated.

    2. Aeron

      I like that Sarah doesn’t like pants. I mean mornings. I mean pants.

      1. David

        Sugar in the morning! I mean Sarah. I mean pants.

  15. Aubri

    This is why I have my alarm play church bells, for extra I HATE YOU DIE DIE DIE. Because how do you go back to sleep after DIE DIE DIE?

    1. liahansen

      I’d honestly rather just oversleep. I don’t need that kind of misery in my life.

    2. Leo Atrox

      I made my own alarm clock. Just my Ipod, a clock, 2 speakers, and an amplifier turned up to 11… You know you’re awake when you levitate 3 feet off your bed!

      1. Disloyal Subject

        That would put some of us with bunk beds through the ceiling.
        Fortunately the one in my dorm is easily repaired, because that is among the best ways to wake up.

      2. David

        See, that’s where modern technology falls short. I had the same setup using a tube radio (and that was a tube radio with an EL34). There are about 4 seconds between “awake” and “the house crumbles and the radio explodes”. It’s in your own hands where in that range you jump bed. Once you are clearly out of bed and have the radio back to civil volume, there is not much of a point in going back. Particularly since you have just escaped death and the adrenaline would render an attempt at going back to sleep pointless.

        Transistorized setups are missing those 4 seconds of the radio coming into focus, with the sound emerging from a hum and static noise. And even if you reprogrammed them, there would not be that nagging doubt about an impeding explosion and/or damaging of the equipment. You’d know the odds.

    3. Koms

      I have the opening credits song of Thunderball. It wakes up the entire house.

      1. liahansen

        I used to wake up every morning to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6V5eX4Fom0

        Awesome and terrible

    4. Roborat

      I have to have the radio fairly loud to wake up in the morning. Unfortunately, my wife does not. I have sometimes startled her right out of bed and onto the floor.

  16. anonymous

    Morning people…

    1. Disloyal Subject

      We are legion. And we get the first shot at – wait, no we don’t. We can be preemptively struck if we go to bed earlier… Hmm. Which came first, the morning or the night?

    2. deathjavu

      Aliens in disguise. Much like the “people” who don’t like chocolate or any type of pet.

      1. anonymous

        I knew it!

  17. Varius

    Something is wrong. Joyce is hiding something.

    *suspicious*

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      Maybe she used “Little Jacob” and now the batteries are flat. 😀

  18. Catullus

    Look on the bright side, Sarah, at least you didn’t wake up to Joyce looming over your face.

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      …with her Lovecraftian triangular smile.

      1. Razzmatazz MacKenzie

        Yeah, that thing is…odd.

      2. Godozo

        …on Easter Sunday, saying “Guess What Today Is?”

        (actually happened to a friend of mine)

  19. newllend

    But then the Sun will just explode.

  20. lejwocky

    This strip reminds me of Perfume: the Story of a Murderer

  21. Malchus

    Joyce: My cheeriness will blot out the sun!

    Sarah: Then I will grump in the shade.

    1. Ancestral Hamster

      How laconic of you.

      1. Malchus

        Took me a sec to get the geography joke.

        Well played, O Hamstery One. Well played.

        1. 4th Dimension

          Not much of a joke, that exchange up there is the definition of Laconic replys.

        2. Ancestral Hamster

          Thank you, Malchus. However, I thought you were making a deliberate reference to what (as 4th Dimension has written) is “the definition of Laconic replies.”

          And on that note, the epitaph of the 300.
          “Tell them in Lacedaemonia*, passerby,
          That here, obedient to their words,
          We lie.”

          *Sparta in modern usage

        3. David

          Wasn’t the actual Laconic reply “come and get them” when Xerxes sent an ultimatum to Leonidas to hand over the Spartan’s weapons?

        4. Ancestral Hamster

          There are a few such replies from the Battle of Thermopylae. Whether they are true or not is another story, but often how something is perceived is more important than the actual facts.

          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Thermopylae#Associated_legends

        5. Malchus

          And I thought you were making a deliberate pun on laconic replies and Laconia/Lacedaemonia the location.

          That was a surprisingly refreshing misunderstanding. 😀

        6. Ancestral Hamster

          *Chuckle* Serendipity!

  22. JessWitt

    I feel as mirthful as Joyce upon seeing that recent New Nintendo 3ds ad.

  23. Lonas

    In space, no one can hear you deet-deet.

    Also, there is something odd about Joyce’s laughter. Get ready for something unexpected…unless you expected that…and that…and tha-uh oh…

  24. newllend

    OK let’s face it the real reason Joyce is so happy is that for the first time in her life she was able to dream about sex all night long with out having a guilty conscience.

    1. Paradox

      Next thing you know, Sarah’s dildo mysteriously disappears.

      1. Jen Aside

        nothing mysterious about that

        [campus police gets a missing person report for an “Other Jacob”]

  25. Farmer_10

    Best Friends Forever.

  26. David

    “Guess what I have behind my back!” … “Look, Sarah, I got you a strapon. I mean I had to get you something after I broke your vibrator and I thought this way”

    Let’s start over waking up.

  27. deathjavu

    When I was in college, I wanted to hang a motivational poster on the ceiling over my bed

    “Murder is wrong…because getting out of bed to do it would defeat the purpose.”

    1. tinfoil theory

      You don’t believe in delayed gratification?

  28. a person

    Who is this jocelyne that is mentioned in the post? Obviously someone related to joyce, but i thought she only had brothers… Did i miss something? (I assume i did)

    1. Kennerly

      Jocelyne is the name Joyce’s brother uses online. “He” considers himself a woman, but because of her religious upbringing, its a secret.

      1. Bill

        (ducking and covering)
        INCOMING!!!

  29. Kennerly

    My first thought: Incredible! Somehow, Sarah looks even more angry when she’s masturbating!

    My second thought: Deet-deet? I’ve never heard a sex toy make that noise before.

    My third though: Oh, she’s not masturbating, its the next day. And deet-deet was an alarm clock. I see.

  30. JA

    I think deet-deet is the sound other jacob makes when he’s tapping out

  31. thatindianguy

    Now now Sarah, I’m not a morning person either, but you did make the decision to befriend Joyce. You had to have seen this coming.

  32. Aeron

    Joyce is a renewable energy source.

  33. Acher4

    arg… i feel for Sarah so much.
    *yawwwn*

  34. neeks

    “Wakey wakey, eggs and–”
    “No.”

  35. David

    Reminds me of one of James Thurber’s “Fables for our Time” ending in the morale “Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.”

  36. Doctroid

    Does Sarah mean “also launch YOU into the sun” or “also launch that bottle into YOU”?

    1. Bill

      I believe Sarah means that if she had her way, Joyce would be accompanying the bottle on a one-way flight to ol’ Sol.

      Incidentally, were you aware that while many stars have acknowledged names (Alpha Centauri, Polaris, Betelgeuse, Regulus, etc.), our sun — which is also a star — does not?

      1. StClair

        Sol.

        1. StClair

          And you used it yourself, so I can only assume you’re trolling.

          Still, if decades of reading and/or science fiction have taught me anything, Sol is very definitely the name used for our star, as distinct from all those others.

        2. Bill

          I’m not trolling.  A quick check on the ‘net indicated that while “Sol” is the generally accepted term, it is not an official name (like Deneb, Aldebaran, or Rigel) as applied and used by early astronomers and skywatchers.

        3. StClair

          That’s because “early astronomers and skywatchers” had no [i]need[/i] to distinguish the Sun from the stars. It wasn’t until we (a) figured out that the former was actually the same as the latter, just closer; and (b) began to imagine, and then search for, and now discover planets around other stars, that we gave this one a particular name. Current astronomers [i]do[/i] use it, often in the same breath/sentence as the other names you list.

          But if you’re going to assert that “Sol” is not [i]official[/i] enough, because it’s only been (consistently, commonly, and widely) used for a mere [i]hundred[/i] years or so rather than thousands, then I shall have to call you a silly goose and bid you good day.

        4. StClair

          … I really hate this comment system sometimes. Especially since there’s no edit, delete, or preview.

        5. StClair

          P.S.: Were you aware that “iPhone” is not a real word, because it didn’t exist before the turn of this last century? It’s true!

  37. Adam D

    I have this on a bookmark! 😀 I was wondering when it would pop up

    1. Alex

      …I do, too, and I hadn’t registered it as an as-yet-unseen strip at all.

  38. Deanatay

    The correct response to a morning person trying to wake you up in the morning is, clearly, Sal’s response. Reflexive choking hand.

  39. isitsevenyet

    Wait, Sarah wears her lipstick to sleep?

    1. Catullus

      I think her lips are just naturally that color.

  40. Alexx

    I don’t think I’ve ever responded to a “good morning” with anything beyond “hello” or “morning.” Good mornings do not exist. I’m groggy, I can’t eat for bit without my stomach bongoing about it, and cognitive function is at it’s lowest.

    1. kelticat

      My mom and I consider the statement “good morning” in a logical fashion. How do you know its good when the day has just started? You don’t know if the morning is good until morning is finished at noon. We acknowledge that it is morning, but not whether it is good or not.

      1. chris73

        I suppose its good if you’re still alive in the morning as opposed to the alternative

  41. herb derb

    Is the patreon-only monthly strip a single line like the daily ones, or is it a full page?

    1. David M Willis

      Same format as all the other strips.

  42. Bagge

    Sarah grossing out Joyce with her vibrator yesterday, Joyce bringing the extra morning cheer today. 1-1, and eagerly awaiting next round.

  43. Idon'tcarenomore

    What’s so great about being the worm that feeds the Early Bird?
    Good excuse to sleep in.
    (pssst Joyce, Sarah is serious)

    1. JESUSMAN

      by worm you mean the dildo

      1. Lel

        Thus, the vagina is a bird.
        CAW CAW

        1. Jen Aside

          WELL IT IS COCKTOBER

    2. The One Guy

      Because, birds eat worms. So clearly the phrase is saying those who get up early get to have breakfast!

  44. The Other Mike

    “People who get up early in the morning cause war, death and famine.” – Banksy

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