Assignments
Posted on March 18, 2014 by David M Willis

204 thoughts on “Assignments”

  1. Doctor_Who

    I’d ask how Mike knows, but it’s Mike.

    He probably knew they were doing it before they did.

    1. Regalli

      Most likely.

    2. Jen Aside

      It was Mike’s PLAN.

      To be an asshole, anyway.

    3. Yotomoe

      Mike was banging Ms. Walkerton at the time…

      1. timemonkey

        Mike is secretly her dad.

        1. Mr K

          I’m imaging Mike in a Darth Vader costume. Hmmm who would be the Emperor? Sal would be Leia, Walky would be Luke and Billie would be Han.

        2. timemonkey

          I see Billie as more Chewie, always in the scene, making noise but nobody really listens.

          Faz is the Emperor, think about it. Who else would sit and gloat about how you are falling for his evil plan exactly as he thought you would, thus ruining his own plan?

        3. Joe

          Does this make Dorothy Obi-Wan?

        4. Led

          “Luke, I fucked your mother… FOR A NICKEL!”
          “No, no! That’s not true! That’s impossible!”
          “Search your feelings, you KNOW it to be true!”

        5. ZORK

          Reminds me of a similiar comment I made waaay back over on Shortpacked!, let me see if I can dig out the link…

          …

          Ah, there it is: http://www.shortpacked.com/index.php?id=1516

        6. Led

          Also, for Emperor… Ruth, aka “Darth Ruthless”, obviously 😀

        7. Ikaru

          …That would make Mike Sal and Walky’s dad. Is Amber Padme?

      2. Felix

        …for a nickel!

        1. Reltzik

          Please. There’s been inflation since then. It was only 3 cents.

    4. Mkvenner

      Or it was a shot in the dark.

    5. tinfoil theory

      Who doesn’t know? Don’t you remember what happened the last time assignments were returned in that class?

      Sal is just angry because Mike implies that she didn’t earn that C properly, and would deserve a D at best.

      1. insomniac

        Oh, she earned that D all right.

        1. Gigafreak

          He gave his D, she gave her boo-Bs, and they met in the middle for this C.

  2. Plasma Mongoose

    Mike sees all, Mike knows all.

    1. nothri

      Sees you when you are sleeping, knows when you are awake…

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        I thought he would be fatter and jollier myself.

        1. KingMabel

          You obviously haven’t seen Mike drunk…

        2. Keroshino

          Is drunk Mike even a thing here in DoA?

        3. Jostikas

          Hasn’t had a chance yet

  3. LiaHansen

    I’m kinda surprised Joyce got that!

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      I would have been a lot more surprising a few weeks earlier.

      1. MM

        Just think, if it weren’t for communal showers, she’d never have seen all that educational graffiti!

        1. Plasma Mongoose

          Including where to go for a good time. 😀

    2. Jen Aside

      I don’t think she does but realizes that it’s something she doesn’t want to get.

      1. Yotomoe

        It can’t be dirty. He’s not rubbing it on his tummy.

        1. AgentKeen

          “Your thing! Rub it on my chin!”

    3. Mr K

      By the end of the comic, she’ll become Dorothy’s lesbian sub.

      1. LiaHansen

        (Imagine this is a very distressed looking emoticon)

      2. Rutee

        You got one word in that wrong, but I forgive you because it relates to the comic.

      3. Drunken Nordmann

        I subconsciously interpret “sub” as the short form of submarine.

        …

        What the hell is a lesbian submarine?

        1. Jen Aside

          A very girly hoagie.

        2. Wizard

          A chick who really likes to “go down”?

        3. Gigafreak

          A muff diver.

        4. John

          Stealth shipping?

    4. Furubatsu

      I’m pretty sure she’s at that stage where anything Mike says is mean/sexual/unnecessary.

  4. Anderhail

    Insert funny comment nearby. I am kinda glad to see more of Mike again, and hope to see more Jason too. …been a bit

    1. Doctor_Who

      Jason Executes an Intercourse?

      Queensbury Rules, naturally.

      1. Anderhail

        …thank you for the laugh. Actually, it’d be pretty easy to slip into canon, and I am sure there are enough fans of Jason and Sal for it to be feasible.

        1. Mr K

          Sal should give up Jason and go for her true love:Billie.

        2. Keroshino

          And eventually Billie will have a harem! 😀

        3. JoeFuzzy

          I’d watch that anime

        4. AgentKeen

          Are you kidding? Sal would be the one with the harem. She’s already got Joyce and Billie.

        5. Keroshino

          I am ok with this outcome! 🙂

        6. xKiv

          They can all be each others’ harems.

        7. Jack Finch

          Yeah, yeah. Slip it in.

        8. davidbreslin101

          Oi, Linton! stop messing about with Jack’s Gravatar account.

      2. davidbreslin101

        It starts with an awfully daring depiction of osculation. Later, Sal thinks about England whilst reclining.

  5. Wonder Wig

    On whole beat toast.

    1. Yotomoe

      I prefer Humpernickel.

      1. LiaHansen

        Partial to a nice big banguette, myself.

        1. ninja_jesus

          A fan of Fuckaccia, myself.

        2. Jen Aside

          How ’bout a nice hymen rye??

  6. Kernanator

    I am trying to think of a good hoagie pun and am failing.

    Help?

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      The only thing I got involves swallowing either a 6 inch or a footlong.

    2. MM

      Grinder? I hardly know ‘er!

      *tugs on tie*

      1. Thanks, I'll Have Another!

        I think you meant “grindah”.

    3. Mr K

      Sal really loves sausage

  7. Jay Eff

    You mean, “ASS-ignments,” amirite? Eh? Eh??

    I’ll be here all night, be sure to tip your waitress…

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      …with your tip Eh? Eh? 😛

      1. Khrene

        Well she’ll at least get a nickel after that…

  8. The Meek Ninja

    Mike knows all about your sandwich habits, and he is unimpressed.

    1. nothri

      I’m assuming you mean the ones made out of bread and not the kinkier kind involve three people?

      1. Drunken Nordmann

        Could be both. Maybe combined.

  9. Dahlia

    B-BUT HOW DID MIKE KNOW?!

    1. Keroshino

      WHO WAS PHONE?

    2. MissQuinn

      Mikes sees all. Mike Knows all.

      1. Gimmesomore

        It is a sandwhich after all………..

  10. Yotomoe

    I dunno about a sub but I know that Sal did put away a large piece of beef.

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      You mean tube steak right?

      1. newllend

        Translation : “slim jim”

        1. John

          His name’s “Jason”.

        2. Keroshino

          JAAASON!!!

        3. Yotomoe

          “Press ‘X’ to Jason”

        4. Khrene

          “Press ‘Bean’ to Jason”

  11. HAB

    Is the “panto”in pantomime silent. I’ve just never heard it before.

    1. Doctor_Who

      No, it’s the rest of the mime that’s silent.

    2. Plasma Mongoose

      Nope, the panto is very audible.

    3. MLEst1

      Not sure if that was a joke or not, so I’m answering seriously.

      The ‘panto’ in ‘pantomime’ is like the word ‘refrigerator’ compared to ‘fridge’ or ‘telephone’ compared to ‘phone;’ it’s part of the word but not usually used.

      1. HAB

        Yeah I’ve always seen it spelled like that but I’ve always heard mime.

      2. Questionor

        No they are two different things. Pantomime is not the same as a mime. Google it.

        1. TsunamiJane

          Interestingly, the first definition for “pantomime” that popped up when I did so had the word “mime” in it.

          verb
          1.
          express or represent (something) by extravagant and exaggerated mime.

        2. Ikaru

          Mime just means acting something out, usually with hand gestures.

      3. Alan Lafond

        Panto is a prefix from the Greek language, meaning “all.”

        The Greek word “mimos” is used to mean “imitator” or “actor.”

        Pantomime is derived from the Greek word pantomimos. It originally referred to a group who “imitates all” before its meaning changed to refer to the performance itself.

        For more detail, check it out on Wikipedia.

  12. Cephalo the Pod

    Is that Alan?!

    1. Doctor_Who

      Or the Eleventh Doctor with a haircut.

  13. March

    Kick his ass, babe. Mike needs it every now and then. It’ll do him and you both good.

    1. Yotomoe

      Mike’s ass is impossible to kick. Even if you beat him up he’ll twist it around to make YOU the loser.

      1. NF

        (whispering) “no punch”

        *runs away*

  14. Anderhail

    Oh, look. Mary isn’t on the poll, despite her occasional avoidance of clothes before 3 PM.

    Skin deep Mary, skin deep

    1. Yotomoe

      Well she didn’t appear much in the past year so she’s ineligable.

      1. Anderhail

        Yeah, pretty much. Daisy has shown up in 2014, Mary has not, though Mary definitely had the edge over Daisy in 2013. Still, I’d rather she stay gone.

  15. Cholma

    I’m guessing that’s Billie’s hand in the first panel? Otherwise, I don’t see her.

  16. ZombieAteMyBrains

    Is Mike’s sole purpose to screw everyone else in the world over? Is there a reason he does this, some backstory I don’t know about?

    1. Jason

      He was just born that way. Though it must come from some seriously recessive genes, considering his parents.

      1. GhostWriterL

        Or, theorycrafting here… Mike’s parents are assholes and are perpetually drunk in social scenarios, hence he grew up learning to be an asshole from them and that alcohol is for when you “want to be nice”. Mike’s parents are thus chronic alcoholics because they have some survival need to be “nicer people”, and Mike’s always an asshole because he abhors how it transforms people to be completely the opposite of what they naturally would be.

        That’s under the assumption that the “nice drunk” tendency from Walkyverse carried over. That’s also under the assumption he’d drink at all, too. I’m 99% sure I’m wrong, but I thought it was interesting to consider.

    2. Matt

      No, his sole purpose is to screw everyone’s mom’s for a nickel.

    3. Jen

      Mike can actually be really helpful sometimes, it’s just delivered in the most jerky way possible.

      1. Jen

        He’s like angry Buddha, face-punching people to their true selves/paths.

  17. Jay Eff

    Sal sounds a bit like the comment section with that sandwich pun in the last panel.

  18. Barf Ninjason

    Is someone finally gonna punch Mike? I feel like that would be about right; for gods’ sake SOMEONE’S gonna punch Mike sooner or later.

    Also: I like the idea that conservative British jackass Captain Whathisface would cheat for Sal because she had the sex with him, and then only give her a C.

    Further also, I think Joyce just advanced one merry step closer to snapping and sucking a billion dicks.

    1. Doctor_Who

      Last person to punch Mike, he married.

      And Sal may have gotten a C, but Jason totally gave her the D.

      1. Opus the Poet

        I thought he gave her the “O”.

        1. Jack Finch

          To properly DO sal he gave her both.

    2. timemonkey

      Punching Mike would be the ultimate victory for Mike and the ultimate loss for the puncher. It means he truly got to them and they can’t pretend otherwise.

      1. Rutee

        …Yeah I suspect Sal is more the type to enjoy the beating too much to care. And speaking personally, knowing kharma caught up to the bastard would waaaaaay outweigh any personal shame.

      2. Gigafreak

        So you’re saying Mike plays the Joker to everyone’s Batman?

        …Mike’s plot is to make everyone Batman! This is diabolically genius!

    3. Mr K

      I hope she snaps and falls in love with Dorothy

      1. Barf Ninjason

        Motion seconded.

    4. Bill

      A 74 equals a ‘C’?  Grade scale sure has slipped since I went to school.
      Back in my day 74 was a ‘D’, only four percentage points above an ‘F’.

      1. Barf Ninjason

        a) typically, 70-79 = C now, yeah. Although K think there’ll still some slight, weird variants.
        b) 74 is quite nearly “3 put of 4” and if as the Meat Loaf says, “Tao out of three ain’t bad” then surely three outta four is alright.
        c) she got a seventy-SIX. I’m sorry but I have to give you an alligator in reading comprehension.

        1. Bill

          I realized my fingers had slipped after I hit “post”.
          A pox on this comment board for not having an “edit” function!!

        2. Barf Ninjason

          Ah yes. My own snottiness about inaccuracy was weakened somewhat my by million typos in the above post, which ruefully I could not edit out, yeah. Sometimes Willis (I think) edits them though; in a different commenet “sexier ” was “sexist” cuz of auto-correct. I cursed auto-correct in the subsequent post, which promptly disappeared along with the offending bit.

      2. John

        It depends on the school. My high school and college both used a scale where A was 93+, B was 86-92, C was 78-85, D was 70-77, and F was 0-69. The high schools in the districts surrounding mine used a scale where A was 90+, B 80-89, C 70-79, D 60-69, and F below 60, though.

        So Mr. Loaf would’ve failed at my high school, but gotten a solid D at the county high school. (Either way, I don’t think it qualifies as “not bad”.) And I dunno what scale IU uses, but at my college, Sal would’ve had a high D. But she’d fail at 69. (Maybe that’s why Billie and Ruth keep having problems.)

        Of course, I graduated from high school 22 years ago, so I guess it doesn’t say much about kids these days.

  19. Yotomoe

    So, if I’m following correctly… Jason’s dick is so smart that it is slowly increasing Sal’s grades!

    1. Barf Ninjason

      Ew.

    2. GhostWriterL

      Because they did absolutely nothing else except have sex during those TA sessions. Pretty sure Sal actually went to him for help and he was helping her try and understand the formulas, and she’s still seeing him to get tutored since I don’t think he gave in when she threatened to out him for his unprofessional relationship with a student. She managed to blackmail him into making time to tutor her more on demand, not to pass the class for having put out.

      1. Yotomoe

        I doubt Jason WOULD give her good grades for putting out. He’s not that kind of guy. But yeah, she’s probably been gettin’ some edumacation from Jason.

  20. Pie

    Is that… the fundamental theorem of calculus?! IT IS.

    1. Gigafreak

      The funny thing about Calc 1 is that once you know the Power Rule (which is extraordinarily simple for a term with such a badass name), you’re set for almost the entire course, since everything else is just an extension thereof.

      It’s fun to say “Calc 1 was easier than this” while performing trivial tasks just to show off, because it’s often true.

  21. timemonkey

    I have this theory where Joyce’s positive attitude infects those she spends time with and improves their lives. The scale of the improvement is directly proportional to how much time they spend with her. Dorothy and Walky have improved the most, Billie’s in a much better place now, despite recent setbacks, Sal’s improving, Sarah’s improving.

    Hell the only people whoaren’t improving are danny and amber, the two people she’s spent no time with.

    1. Mr K

      She’s spreading Joyce-itis. Pretty soon everyone will be a cheery Christian girl.

      1. John

        I keep reading that as “Joyce-tits”. Probably some calming is required.

        1. LWS

          Same here, need caffeine… Although if we get to the point of Joyce showing off her tits it might be a sign of the Apocalypse.

      2. Gigafreak

        Flaw: Joe spent a good bit of time with her and he hasn’t changed one bit.
        Flaw: Ethan’s situation may actually be WORSE than before, as he’s so far back in the closet now that he can see Narnia.

        So she improves the lives of everyone around her except the dudes she dates. Who… both happen to be Jewish, if memory serves… oh dear.

        1. timemonkey

          Joe’s pretty happy with his life. Ethan’s making friends.

    2. GhostWriterL

      It’s hard to not feel slightly more positive when someone is cheery and is going out of their way to be nice and include you. Probably means a lot to Sal to have someone actually pay attention to her and interact with her, as opposed to just acknowledging her presence in an area and keeping fixated on everything but her, like what her brother and mom did… and her dad, though he did pay a little attention to her on family day.

      Kinda forshadowing of peril for Joyce though… As everyone is improved by her presence and influence, so shall her fortunes possibly not turn out well. I’m theorizing that she legit falls in love with Ethan and is crushed when, SURPRISE! She couldn’t fix his “gay problem” no matter how much she tried to “save him” and fulfill her dream of getting a husband and having 2.5 kids.

    3. Nono

      Quick, get Joyce around Mary!

  22. Confuzor

    Is that Danny from Bravest Warriors in the background of the final panel?

    1. Thasvaddef

      Does that mean Mike is Chris?

  23. newllend

    What the fu-does mike have a cameras hooked up in places people is THAT what he’s been doing all this time? What else does he know, does he know the identity of all the people who comment on this strip?

    1. timemonkey

      Ceiling Mike watches them bang.

    2. Ikaru

      Didn’t you know? Mike is totally Santa Claus. He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you have sex. He knows when you do something you ought to feel guilty about, and knows how to blackmail. Sorry I couldn’t make it rhyme. XD

      1. Mr K

        Mike knows when I’m sleeping? Well, I’m drinking 3 gallons of coffee tonight.

      2. Barf Ninjason

        He knows when you are sleeping
        He knows when you have sex
        He knows how to make your guilt
        Write him personal checks

        RHYME!

        1. Marisa Mockery

          With that avatar? Perfect.

        2. Gigafreak

          He knows when you are sleeping
          He knows when you have sex
          He knows your moms all carnally
          Even harder than Oedipus Rex

          You’d better not shout, you’d better not cry
          You’d better not wear pajama jeans, guys
          Santa Mike is coming to town.

  24. Salmo

    I was just thinking the other day when are we going to get more Sal and Jason stuff, and ahoy.

  25. Ikaru

    I’m surprised that Joyce knew Mike was making an innuendo there. Or….whatever you call it. Shocked, I am.

  26. Cragalanch

    Ah Mike. Always there to make a joke involving sex. Usually about your mom and a nickel

  27. Keroshino

    Yes! “Club” him, Sal…with your fists…in the FACE!!!
    He’s had it coming!

    1. NF

      in the FAAACE!!!!!

  28. Pyr05

    Way to go on your Ass-signment.

  29. Aeron

    Joyce is the most intelligent ignorant person ever.

  30. Van Jealous

    Like the old Calculus rebus:
    /
    \ e^x = f*u(n)
    /

    1. tinfoil theory

      ∫eˣ=

      1. Van Jealous

        Thank You! I’ll get this here HTML thing figured out someday….

  31. Van Jealous

    That was supposed to be an integral symb…oh nevermind…..

    1. Barf Ninjason

      A witch!! Burn the witch!!!

      1. Keroshino

        She turned me into a newt.

        …I got better!

  32. rajit

    They just pass the assignments around? In a lecture class? That would take forever, not to mention people nickin’ the smart people’s papers for study guides.

    Unless I’m forgetting they’re in assign seats. Or the TA is just passing all 3 of their papers over at the same time. I probably just answered myself.

  33. NF

    After this strip, someone, somewhere, is shipping Sal/Mike.

    1. Cragalanch

      Nope. Mike/Jason

  34. KingMabel

    YAY SAL GOT A C!!!

    LET’S PARTY!!!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6VQ_AUH5Rc
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7t5gyG_FU1c
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GwjfUFyY6M

    1. TurdFerguson

      I am disappointed that none of those are this:
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9f06QZCVUHg

      1. ninja_jesus

        More disappointed at the lack of Andrew W.K..

  35. Jason

    I had a Joyce-like level of naivety when i entered college (at 16). I went to the University of North Texas (UNT), and could not figure out why the radio station’s call letters were KNTU….

    1. Barf Ninjason

      Because sheltered you had yet to realize, all Texans are inherently dyslexic.

    2. Kevin

      I thought Joyce’s response was gonna be “oh, was there a curve”? I guess she’s getting less naïve

      1. Kevin

        Dammit that ? should have been inside the ” . Now I must spend 100 days in punctuation hell.

  36. FuryOfFirestorm

    If Sal was treating the Prof’s dick like a sub sandwich, it’s no surprise she only got a 76. The best way to suck a dick is to treat it like a BLT – slather it in mayo, wrap it in bacon and lettuce, then garnish with sliced tomatoes before inserting it into your mouth.

    1. Kevin

      Make sure the bacon isn’t hot off the skillet.

      SURE.

  37. Keroshino

    Sal gets 79% and wins Hottest Girl!

    As it should be!!!

    1. Keroshino

      Uh…I mean 76% and wins Hottest girl!!!

      Still good enough to celebrate!!!!

  38. Incubus

    One does not simply punch Mike.

  39. Shadow12000

    Not Depicted: Sal’s glasses sliding onto her face perfectly as she says that last line, followed by the entire classroom going “YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

    1. TsunamiJane

      This is canon. Now.

  40. PAC

    I’m impressed with the mathematics on the board, it’s accurate for a freshmen calculus class and not just a bunch of random scribbles.

  41. tofusmith

    Oh well, I was really hoping Mike would be in a sweater dress today.

    1. Joe

      This is Mike we’re talking about. The only reason he’s not in a sweater dress is because you wanted him to be.

  42. IncadescentFlame

    Sal’s Fist-sized Club sandwiches! Now only 9 cents more than your mom!

    1. Barf Ninjason

      I choose to believe you are implying that Sal is about to fist Mike.

  43. Kevin

    HOLY CRAP MIKE’S COMMENT WASN’T OVER JOYCE’S HEAD.

    Her corruption has begun…

    1. Al Schroeder

      Odd. I had the same reaction. The “choose to believe” says she really knows what Mike’s implying, but chooses not to follow the implications. Before, I would have said the comment would have gone over her—no pun intended–head.

  44. JoeMerl

    Since I don’t recall him knowing about their affiair, I choose to believe that Mike has the psychic ability to know whatever comment will rile people up the most, which he uses for his own evil purposes.

  45. JepMZ

    Which one was Joyce offended about?
    The idea of 69?
    Blowjobs?
    Sal doing 69?
    Or Mike demonstrating homosexuality (to her bf)?

    She must be fronting really hard. What will power :O

    1. John

      I think Joyce is offended just because she knows Mike well enough to know that whatever he’s doing is offensive, even if she doesn’t understand why.

      1. JepMZ

        Smart girl, hehe.

    2. Beige

      I think joyce is offended because she see’s mike directly insulting her friend…

      might just be me though…

  46. Bilfred

    Mike vs. Sal: fight of the century.

  47. caesaria82

    Billie is in the tags. Huh. Is that supposed to be her hand in the first panel or..? Invisible Billie.

    1. John

      The skin tone is right, and that’s likely where she’s sitting.

  48. Mojo

    You know, I think if I were him Sal is about the LAST person I’d be baiting. Most of the others would put up with his douchebaggery, I suspect Sal wouldn’t (won’t).

    1. Never Simple

      It occurs to me though that might be EXACTLY what Mike wants.

      1. Mojo

        It’s an unusual goal, to want to have all your bones broken…

  49. teh_n8

    Ah, Sal Joyce & Mike. It’s like the good old days.

  50. Saburo

    I read Joyce’s last line in Starfire’s voice.

  51. Kama

    As for how Mike knows? Well, he was present when Sal did this. Probably just a matter of putting two and two together.

  52. TrueVCU

    I hope I am not alone in wishing to see Sal murder Mike

    1. ninja_jesus

      I’m waiting for Mike to change Sal’s life with his assholery.

  53. Michael Kinyon

    I’m glad this comic has finally introduced its main character, Professor Rees. It’s been a long time coming, but is obviously worth it. I look forward to his main arc.

  54. Victor Riley

    Jeez, Mike… what the hell is your problem? Who hurt you?

    1. WingedBeast

      In the past, we don’t know. In about 5 seconds…

  55. Nena

    I would love to see Sal beat the ever living shit out of Mike.

  56. John Merklinghaus

    “Oh, he’s ’bout a sandwich of some kind.”

  57. Joebo

    Huh, I thought he’d be shorter.

  58. Moonsey

    Is it bad that I kinda sorta totally ship Mike and Joyce?

  59. Tealjoy

    Sometimes I wonder if Mike just knows these things or if he just saw an opportunity present itself and he took a shot and hit home.

  60. nothri

    Tonight on NBC, Mike Siegel is…the sex-whisperer.

  61. CrashFystFight

    Trying to figure out why the second fundemental theorem of calculus is on the same board as a limit to infinity. Is this a math class built entirely on concepts and definitions?! That would have been much better pre-calc than pre-calc was. 😛

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