Greetings fellow ace/gray. It is nice seeing some representation. Sometimes I wonder if people even know that we exist. I was doing a health survey the other day, and it felt like they had every other option but that.
Greetings! And yeah, that can be so incredibly frustrating. I remember the first time I met another ace person in.. well, person (at an anime convention nearly a decade ago) and I almost cried because I’d felt like the only one.
Weirdly enough, I know several IRL now! We still don’t have enough visibility, but I’m glad more people are slowly learning it’s a thing, which means more people finding the words to describe themselves.
I still remember reading one of the Missing Moments from Sister Claire (the one where Catharine questions whether or not she can love and be loved to Maman) and realizing “wait, that’s ME! There’s a word for this? I’m not some weird broken monster who doesn’t feel love because I don’t care about sex in the slightest!?”
It sounds silly, but having that knowledge really changed so much for me. It even made it easier for me to approach the idea of sex with the understanding that I could engage in it out of love rather than desire or need and that was something okay and not weird or manipulative. Knowing that it was okay to approach it as a logical thing rather than a hormonal thing (“gee, we haven’t done the sex in awhile; I bet husband would like it if we did; let’s plan when would be a good time for it”) and just having that language and knowledge available for husband and I to understand it isn’t a lack of love, just a lack of need.
I think being asexual means that we end up in a ‘gap’ of sorts compared to all the other letters. A person being lesbian or gay means that you can basically ‘swap out’ who that person is sexually attracted to, and that makes sense (for the most part) for the heteronormative perspective that usually ends up making such forms and surveys. There’s some way to ‘replace’ the expected norm.
Being ace puts you in a sort of null category, especially if you have complete zero interest. It’s like how most people in my day to day life have no clue that i’m asexual, because why bother bringing up a complete lack of interest in sex. It’ll be like sharing my complete lack of interest in lacrosse. It basically boils down to, ‘You know that thing you like doing with your partner. I don’t care about doing it whatsoever, and i’ve got nothing further to say about it.’
missilentmurmur
Yeah, I have a good friend who I thought for a looong time just too busy/unlucky to find a partner, and it was just not a topic that came up.
That seems to be soooo often in surveys. One of my friends fills out a lot of surveys and keeps screenshotting every instance of “they wouldn’t let me have an option that fits me being ace”…. why can people not grasp that a) not everyone has or wants a sex life, b) that even ace people might actually enjoy sex with their partner anyway. It seems contradictory only until people actually understand the nuances.
Very genuine question: it is fun to make them hot and bothered but then what happens? Seems like one of the the parties would have to do something they rather wouldn’t (or not do something they’d very much want to).
Some not all ace people are sex-repulsed. Some like sex as a connection to their partner. Some like sex as a physically pleasing activity, or mentally pleasing/satisfying (sometimes-not-always, could involve kink). Some may like it for other reasons. Some may not necessarily describe themselves as liking it, but may not mind having sex, for various reasons. (And yes, some asexual people do not want to have sex– just bringing that group up again because I think sometimes they get pushed to the side with the “asexuals and sex” talk.)
There’s a lot of ways a person can relate to sex.
Yumi
Ignore the first “some.” Apparently I was just too excited to start using the word.
(Also, a detail in my dreams last night was that we could now edit comments on here. I’m just waking up, so kind of disappointing that’s not true.)
As someone who’s been on the receiving side of this exact situation, it can make the other party frustrated when eventual consummation is not on the table. Feelings of guilt for wanting something from your partner that they just can’t provide are also basically impossible to shake. Dina & Becky seem to have a happy dynamic but I wouldn’t expect it to be typical at all.
ian livs
That’s kind of an aphobic assumption to make tbh
MisterJinKC
How is it aphobic? They’re expressing how it felt to be in a situation that they actually experienced, and didn’t say anything about ace being bad or negative.
Yumi
Maybe read through the whole comment? It goes past their personal experience.
ian livs
They don’t expect relationships where one partner is ace to have a happy dynamic typically? how is that NOT aphobic?
The Blueprint System
It’s also an experience that is not unique to (or even typical of) of dating an ace person. Lots of relationships have issues of sexual incompatibility due to mismatched levels of sex drive or conflicting kinks and boundaries. It’s like saying polyamorous relationships always seem to end in a mess. It’s attributing a negative trait to a stigmatized, underrepresented group when the negative trait is actually extremely common in the mainstream, accepted group.
Not all asexuals are sex-repulsed. In particular demisexuals (a.k.a. gray-ace) may enjoy sex within particular contexts, generally with people with whom they otherwise have a connection. There are also those who may not enjoy sex where things are done to them but do enjoy sex where they are doing things to their partner, or may not enjoy vanilla sex but do enjoy kink, or may not enjoy sex at all but would enjoy watching their partner masturbate for them. Ultimately this is the sort of thing that needs to be a discussion between the two (or more) partners about what falls into the categories of “I want that” vs “I don’t mind that” vs “I’d prefer not that” for everyone. Which honestly should be a discussion between allosexuals too anyway.
Miafillene
Huh. I might be within that grey area. Sex to me, is only with partners I have a very deep emotional connection to. The interest is there all around, really, but I won’t act on it. With anyone I am not close to, it becomes almost an intellectual exercise in thought, that I will not act on. Huh. Pretty wild, honestly.
Yumi
No one can define you but you, but that sounds a bit different than what people usually mean by grey ace or demisexual. A lot of allosexual people won’t have sex unless it’s someone they have a strong emotional connection to; with grey/demi, it may be more that they don’t experience sexual attraction at all until there is that connection. One’s orientation is a different category than one’s actions.
As it’s already been said, not all of us dislike sex. Sex is fun for me! It’s like Cuddles+, plus it’s exercise, plus it’s a way to bond with my partner. Ace people with high libidos still exist (hi). We aren’t a monolith any more than allosexuals are
I’m similar to Dina but with slightly higher levels of “self-motivated” interest. (though I’ve realized after reading a lot of ace or grey ace posting that a lot of my “self-motivated” interest is still based on a perception that the person involved would be actively interested in the specific subgenres of things I find interesting/can provide)
Like, here’s a summary of how one vector of attraction/action works for my specific category of grey ace.
If someone I already like for emotional/intellectual reasons gets hot and bothered around me, my brain kinda goes “are the things they want things that are interesting or at least not UNINTERESTING?” “are our styles compatible?” and if yes, I get this kind of like… reciprocal effect where the thought of how they feel (or are going to feel) makes me feel things.
Becky’s whole “wants something but is conflicted about asking for it/not certain how they come across” is actually especially fun because it gives a lot of dynamics to play with. Dina responds to this with a “Science” model, but I’ve seen a bunch of other things that are related, and could easily be channeled through art or other metaphors.
(This is not universal, and in fact for some people it works the opposite, but one thing I have in common with Dina’s attraction vector is that it’s more fun when I default to formally initiating in response to someone else’s informal/ambient interest, because it means I won’t be expected to be ‘on’ when I’m not in the mode. Similarly, when someone else enjoys/responds positively to ‘direction’ or ‘requests’, as we see Becky do here, it allows me to steer things in a direction i’ll enjoy while also allowing me the stimulation of doing ‘science’ and responding to the other person’s reactions.)
There’s also a popular food metaphor for being ace/grey ace, and I have my own version of THAT that might help others understand this kind of situation.
Think of it this way: there’s a dish you can cook well. It’s not your favorite, but it’s nutritious and you like eating it when it’s around, even if it would never occur to you to make it unless someone asked.
But you know your friend likes it, and they will go INSANE for how good your version of it is. That makes me more likely to cook it, and while I’m cooking it I have kind of a “hehe, this is going to blow their mind” thought process that is different than the thought process I’d have if I was making it just because it’s the only thing I happened to have ingredients for.
And like, I like this dish! I’d enjoy eating it either way. But eating it after making it for someone else and seeing them go insane for it is better than taking out some convenience leftovers of it you made and eating them alone.
For me most of the time, sexy stuff is about as appealing as a forgotten contained of still edible food in the back of your freezer. Not repulsive, but not inherently appetizing.
But when grey ace powers activate, it’s like eating a fresh meal you know you made perfectly with a friend who is going to like it SO MUCH.
Kimi
That food metaphor is really nice. I actually hadn’t heard it before. It also works on the creative aspect as well. Say you have a friend that absolutely adores pies, but you are not really a pie fan. You can use the opportunity to try a whole bunch of different pie recipes, and maybe find one you like. You won’t feel like you are wasting anything because your friend loves any and all pie and you like to see them happy. It gives you an opportunity to maybe find out that it was something like a texture issue with the apples, and that thinly sliced apples work better for you. That doesn’t mean that it has to be your favorite. Either way, you still get joy and pleasure from making someone you care about happy. Part of that is just having someone appreciate your efforts, rather than just taking it for granted or expected. It comes across different if someone goes “Oh great, pie! I love pie!” vs “Where is my pie?”. The first one makes me want to make them all the pie just to see their excited reaction, while the second makes me want to tell them to go make their own pie.
Lol nice, I’m fluxed into a place where I deeply dislike the idea of being sexually attractive rn but my boyfriend (grey ace, Demi ro) is like that. He always loved teasing people just for fun. We’re open so I just told him “go nuts, make some girl suffer”
I really don’t know where you got that impression.
Jerach
She’s that in the sense that she enjoys doing things to Becky in a way that makes Becky feel good but Dina isn’t really too concerned about pleasuring herself.
Nah, this cold-cut is just cruel. The thought of Dorothy and Joe’s conversation was highly anticipated and the sudden cutaway to Dina & co has left me devastated.
Setting up the situation of Dina and Becky when Dorothy and Joe interrupt them to ask for their help on the diagramming of Joyce’s body and sexual stimulations. Dina and Becky agree to help, but Dina determines they must try out all the items first. To properly assess their effectiveness. (and a full 500+ pages is gonna takes some time to go through)
“Hey, Dina, can you try all these 500+ items out on Becky? Several times each? I need them ranked in terms of effectiveness.”
“This sounds like proper scientific practice. I approve. We will contribute. Will we receive co-authorship of any publishing?”
145 thoughts on “Across as”
Doctor_Who
Dina clearly wears the pants in this relationship. And that’ll be doubly true in about 5 seconds.
True Survivor
This made me laugh. Thank you.
Opus the Poet
True, but not the second statement.
Disastroid
Why else would Dina tell her to take off her pants other than to put them on, effectively doubling her pantsedness?
Michael Steamweed
Not a relationship dynamic I had previously imagined for these two. But now the only relationship dynamic I can imagine for these two. 😀
Decidedly Orthogonal
“Dina wears the pants.” It’ll both figuratively, and literally, true. Pretty sure that’s what the good doctor was going for with “doubly”.
ian livs
As an ace (or very very demi-gray… hard to tell), being able to make my partner hot and bothered is fun af. I get where she’s coming from, lmao
Kimi
Greetings fellow ace/gray. It is nice seeing some representation. Sometimes I wonder if people even know that we exist. I was doing a health survey the other day, and it felt like they had every other option but that.
ian livs
Greetings! And yeah, that can be so incredibly frustrating. I remember the first time I met another ace person in.. well, person (at an anime convention nearly a decade ago) and I almost cried because I’d felt like the only one.
Weirdly enough, I know several IRL now! We still don’t have enough visibility, but I’m glad more people are slowly learning it’s a thing, which means more people finding the words to describe themselves.
Savail
I still remember reading one of the Missing Moments from Sister Claire (the one where Catharine questions whether or not she can love and be loved to Maman) and realizing “wait, that’s ME! There’s a word for this? I’m not some weird broken monster who doesn’t feel love because I don’t care about sex in the slightest!?”
It sounds silly, but having that knowledge really changed so much for me. It even made it easier for me to approach the idea of sex with the understanding that I could engage in it out of love rather than desire or need and that was something okay and not weird or manipulative. Knowing that it was okay to approach it as a logical thing rather than a hormonal thing (“gee, we haven’t done the sex in awhile; I bet husband would like it if we did; let’s plan when would be a good time for it”) and just having that language and knowledge available for husband and I to understand it isn’t a lack of love, just a lack of need.
Sharaku
I think being asexual means that we end up in a ‘gap’ of sorts compared to all the other letters. A person being lesbian or gay means that you can basically ‘swap out’ who that person is sexually attracted to, and that makes sense (for the most part) for the heteronormative perspective that usually ends up making such forms and surveys. There’s some way to ‘replace’ the expected norm.
Being ace puts you in a sort of null category, especially if you have complete zero interest. It’s like how most people in my day to day life have no clue that i’m asexual, because why bother bringing up a complete lack of interest in sex. It’ll be like sharing my complete lack of interest in lacrosse. It basically boils down to, ‘You know that thing you like doing with your partner. I don’t care about doing it whatsoever, and i’ve got nothing further to say about it.’
missilentmurmur
Yeah, I have a good friend who I thought for a looong time just too busy/unlucky to find a partner, and it was just not a topic that came up.
Felian
That seems to be soooo often in surveys. One of my friends fills out a lot of surveys and keeps screenshotting every instance of “they wouldn’t let me have an option that fits me being ace”…. why can people not grasp that a) not everyone has or wants a sex life, b) that even ace people might actually enjoy sex with their partner anyway. It seems contradictory only until people actually understand the nuances.
Pylgrim
Very genuine question: it is fun to make them hot and bothered but then what happens? Seems like one of the the parties would have to do something they rather wouldn’t (or not do something they’d very much want to).
Yumi
Some not all ace people are sex-repulsed. Some like sex as a connection to their partner. Some like sex as a physically pleasing activity, or mentally pleasing/satisfying (sometimes-not-always, could involve kink). Some may like it for other reasons. Some may not necessarily describe themselves as liking it, but may not mind having sex, for various reasons. (And yes, some asexual people do not want to have sex– just bringing that group up again because I think sometimes they get pushed to the side with the “asexuals and sex” talk.)
There’s a lot of ways a person can relate to sex.
Yumi
Ignore the first “some.” Apparently I was just too excited to start using the word.
(Also, a detail in my dreams last night was that we could now edit comments on here. I’m just waking up, so kind of disappointing that’s not true.)
Michael Steamweed
You dare tease us about editing comments here?!
Such cruelty! Such torture!
Yak
As someone who’s been on the receiving side of this exact situation, it can make the other party frustrated when eventual consummation is not on the table. Feelings of guilt for wanting something from your partner that they just can’t provide are also basically impossible to shake. Dina & Becky seem to have a happy dynamic but I wouldn’t expect it to be typical at all.
ian livs
That’s kind of an aphobic assumption to make tbh
MisterJinKC
How is it aphobic? They’re expressing how it felt to be in a situation that they actually experienced, and didn’t say anything about ace being bad or negative.
Yumi
Maybe read through the whole comment? It goes past their personal experience.
ian livs
They don’t expect relationships where one partner is ace to have a happy dynamic typically? how is that NOT aphobic?
The Blueprint System
It’s also an experience that is not unique to (or even typical of) of dating an ace person. Lots of relationships have issues of sexual incompatibility due to mismatched levels of sex drive or conflicting kinks and boundaries. It’s like saying polyamorous relationships always seem to end in a mess. It’s attributing a negative trait to a stigmatized, underrepresented group when the negative trait is actually extremely common in the mainstream, accepted group.
Tan
Not all asexuals are sex-repulsed. In particular demisexuals (a.k.a. gray-ace) may enjoy sex within particular contexts, generally with people with whom they otherwise have a connection. There are also those who may not enjoy sex where things are done to them but do enjoy sex where they are doing things to their partner, or may not enjoy vanilla sex but do enjoy kink, or may not enjoy sex at all but would enjoy watching their partner masturbate for them. Ultimately this is the sort of thing that needs to be a discussion between the two (or more) partners about what falls into the categories of “I want that” vs “I don’t mind that” vs “I’d prefer not that” for everyone. Which honestly should be a discussion between allosexuals too anyway.
Miafillene
Huh. I might be within that grey area. Sex to me, is only with partners I have a very deep emotional connection to. The interest is there all around, really, but I won’t act on it. With anyone I am not close to, it becomes almost an intellectual exercise in thought, that I will not act on. Huh. Pretty wild, honestly.
Yumi
No one can define you but you, but that sounds a bit different than what people usually mean by grey ace or demisexual. A lot of allosexual people won’t have sex unless it’s someone they have a strong emotional connection to; with grey/demi, it may be more that they don’t experience sexual attraction at all until there is that connection. One’s orientation is a different category than one’s actions.
ian livs
As it’s already been said, not all of us dislike sex. Sex is fun for me! It’s like Cuddles+, plus it’s exercise, plus it’s a way to bond with my partner. Ace people with high libidos still exist (hi). We aren’t a monolith any more than allosexuals are
CulturalGeekGirl
I’m similar to Dina but with slightly higher levels of “self-motivated” interest. (though I’ve realized after reading a lot of ace or grey ace posting that a lot of my “self-motivated” interest is still based on a perception that the person involved would be actively interested in the specific subgenres of things I find interesting/can provide)
Like, here’s a summary of how one vector of attraction/action works for my specific category of grey ace.
If someone I already like for emotional/intellectual reasons gets hot and bothered around me, my brain kinda goes “are the things they want things that are interesting or at least not UNINTERESTING?” “are our styles compatible?” and if yes, I get this kind of like… reciprocal effect where the thought of how they feel (or are going to feel) makes me feel things.
Becky’s whole “wants something but is conflicted about asking for it/not certain how they come across” is actually especially fun because it gives a lot of dynamics to play with. Dina responds to this with a “Science” model, but I’ve seen a bunch of other things that are related, and could easily be channeled through art or other metaphors.
(This is not universal, and in fact for some people it works the opposite, but one thing I have in common with Dina’s attraction vector is that it’s more fun when I default to formally initiating in response to someone else’s informal/ambient interest, because it means I won’t be expected to be ‘on’ when I’m not in the mode. Similarly, when someone else enjoys/responds positively to ‘direction’ or ‘requests’, as we see Becky do here, it allows me to steer things in a direction i’ll enjoy while also allowing me the stimulation of doing ‘science’ and responding to the other person’s reactions.)
There’s also a popular food metaphor for being ace/grey ace, and I have my own version of THAT that might help others understand this kind of situation.
Think of it this way: there’s a dish you can cook well. It’s not your favorite, but it’s nutritious and you like eating it when it’s around, even if it would never occur to you to make it unless someone asked.
But you know your friend likes it, and they will go INSANE for how good your version of it is. That makes me more likely to cook it, and while I’m cooking it I have kind of a “hehe, this is going to blow their mind” thought process that is different than the thought process I’d have if I was making it just because it’s the only thing I happened to have ingredients for.
And like, I like this dish! I’d enjoy eating it either way. But eating it after making it for someone else and seeing them go insane for it is better than taking out some convenience leftovers of it you made and eating them alone.
For me most of the time, sexy stuff is about as appealing as a forgotten contained of still edible food in the back of your freezer. Not repulsive, but not inherently appetizing.
But when grey ace powers activate, it’s like eating a fresh meal you know you made perfectly with a friend who is going to like it SO MUCH.
Kimi
That food metaphor is really nice. I actually hadn’t heard it before. It also works on the creative aspect as well. Say you have a friend that absolutely adores pies, but you are not really a pie fan. You can use the opportunity to try a whole bunch of different pie recipes, and maybe find one you like. You won’t feel like you are wasting anything because your friend loves any and all pie and you like to see them happy. It gives you an opportunity to maybe find out that it was something like a texture issue with the apples, and that thinly sliced apples work better for you. That doesn’t mean that it has to be your favorite. Either way, you still get joy and pleasure from making someone you care about happy. Part of that is just having someone appreciate your efforts, rather than just taking it for granted or expected. It comes across different if someone goes “Oh great, pie! I love pie!” vs “Where is my pie?”. The first one makes me want to make them all the pie just to see their excited reaction, while the second makes me want to tell them to go make their own pie.
zee
Lol nice, I’m fluxed into a place where I deeply dislike the idea of being sexually attractive rn but my boyfriend (grey ace, Demi ro) is like that. He always loved teasing people just for fun. We’re open so I just told him “go nuts, make some girl suffer”
ian livs
Lol, I love that for him
Decidedly Orthogonal
As a pretty regular horny dude, being able to make my partner hot and bothered is also fun af.
Sirksome
Dina needs a hard sub and Charlie is neutral at best.
RassilonTDavros
It’s true, she’s quite the connoisseur of bootleg anime tapes. Downloading MKVs just takes all the fun out of it, y’know?
anon
So, Dina is a ‘service'(?) top 8D; I guess we already knew that tho lol
Bash
I really don’t know where you got that impression.
Jerach
She’s that in the sense that she enjoys doing things to Becky in a way that makes Becky feel good but Dina isn’t really too concerned about pleasuring herself.
Disastroid
Tyrannoservice Rex.
Michael Steamweed
I thought she was a pleasure domme, but I can see her being a service top, too. (lotta overlap there)
NGPZ
Gallaso certainly has subs last time i checked
Wish i could get a roast beef there.
AlexanderHammil
beef’s alive in this universe, you have to go to It’s Walky if you want roast beef
Michael Steamweed
Gallaso’s Pizzas (and Subs)!
Sirksome
Becky and Jason work there. This checks out.
Jamie
So, who’s the pizza?
Michael Steamweed
Becky the Sub; Dina the Pizza.
Jason the Sub; Ruth the Pizza.
Yeah, it does check out. 🙂
Shitbird
Dina being a confident top is absolutely incredible
Red
Love this for her
shadowcell
love dares you to change (your pants)
Michael Steamweed
Love dares you to change (out of your pants)
butts
i’m glad Dina’s having fun
Opus the Poet
+1
Amós Batista
A lot of difference from the last 2 strips…
Rolf of Many Doors
Especially considering the implied “strip”
Pocky
Dina is the perfect partner
straight. . . well, not straight, but to the point.
Michael Steamweed
Pants euphoria process commencing.
Mano308gts
Nah, this cold-cut is just cruel. The thought of Dorothy and Joe’s conversation was highly anticipated and the sudden cutaway to Dina & co has left me devastated.
GholaHalleck
Do you think Willis thought far enough ahead to have Joe actually participate in no nut november in real time? I am questioning and giggling.
anon
I’m sure it’ll circle back around
@ghlola: well tbf his ‘buffer’ is like a whole year ahead lol
Jamie
I mean, it is, but he also knows the exact date that his strips will publish.
Michael Steamweed
Setting up the situation of Dina and Becky when Dorothy and Joe interrupt them to ask for their help on the diagramming of Joyce’s body and sexual stimulations. Dina and Becky agree to help, but Dina determines they must try out all the items first. To properly assess their effectiveness. (and a full 500+ pages is gonna takes some time to go through)
NGPZ
No question who’s the dino Dom here XD
Dina strips are always a pleasure ^^ <3
Jeremiah
And Becky stripping is a pleasure to her.
NGPZ
And we learn more about Charlie!
At least today’s strip is little ray of sunshine when my arm hurts like hell. Currently drowning my pain in ice and cherry garcia :,)
Laura
So sorry to hear your arm hurts! I hope it feels better soon!
NGPZ
;-; thanks
ktbear
And yet it is Becky doing the stripping…
anon
maybe dorothy should bring dina in for the list lol
Michael Steamweed
“Hey, Dina, can you try all these 500+ items out on Becky? Several times each? I need them ranked in terms of effectiveness.”
“This sounds like proper scientific practice. I approve. We will contribute. Will we receive co-authorship of any publishing?”
Joe Moose
Go Dina Go!
StClair
Becky is just so sure that Dina will end up leaving her too. 🙁
Michael Steamweed