Secular media
Posted on April 18, 2014 by David M Willis

229 thoughts on “Secular media”

  1. Geminia999

    Praise Kids 17? Bah! We all know that Praise Kids IV is the best!

    1. someguywithakatana

      Praise Kids 13 is where it’s at! You shut your whore mouth!!!

      1. KingMabel

        YOU WILL ALL BOW TO PRAISE KIDS 7!!!

        1. Unkind fish

          She is going to get stabbed

        2. Jaxx Sentinel

          nah, Joyce does the stabbing in this house

        3. Kinoko

          Appropriate Amber gravatar, there.

      2. John

        Yeah, 13’s definitely the best.

        Because it’s the one they skipped because 13 is a scary number.

        1. The1exile

          Praise Kids 14: the Search for Praise Kids 13

        2. Abby

          They didn’t skip it; the underlying message was about why you don’t have to listen to superstitions like ouija boards or horoscopes. But most parents refused to buy it because it was a Halloween special, and that blunder almost canceled the whole franchise. I think it’s locked away in a vault somewhere, next to Disney’s Anne Frank.

    2. Maveric1984

      That’s the one where Jesus fights the Russian dude right?

      1. Jen Aside

        I only know of Jesus fighting dragons… and maybe vampires?

        1. Cody B

          I just remember the one incident with the table.

        2. Aizat

          Oh…you had to make me remember that other incident relating to a table.

        3. Maveric1984

          Jesus knew how to make pivot tables in Excel?

        4. JustCheetoDust

          This skill set was covered in the CV found on the other side of the Shroud of Turin.

        5. Clif

          Little known fact.

        6. Linkara

          Everybody, everybody.

          Let’s all just agree that Praise Kids 9 was the worst and let bygones be bygones.

        7. Chug

          9? You gotta be kidding me. 23 was the worst. They used a mean word in that one!

        8. Jen Aside

          What about that sickening Praise Kids 666 “parody”? What.

        9. TPman

          No the real worst one was the apocryphal Korean-only Praise Kids III. (Praise Kids K if you refer to the canon movies by numerals of the Roman pagan heretics) They made Jesus look Asian!!!

        10. JustCheetoDust

          That incident was in a temple, right? There could’ve been vampires in that temple. If there’s anything that From Dusk Till Dawn taught me, it’s that.

          And the Chet Pussy monologue.

          And making a GIF of Sex Machine’s revolver codpiece.

          What were we talking about again?

        11. Aizat

          Let’s just say that a table has been…improperly handled. If you catch my drift.

        12. Andrusi

          God dammit Prowl…

        13. Aizat

          Not that kind of improper handling.

        14. JustCheetoDust

          Can’t be any worse than the improper handling of tables in the HBO series Oz. There they tend to be the surface upon which unwanted sodomy occurs.

        15. Aizat

          OK..how about the table itself being sexually violated?

        16. Unkind fish

          http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4v6QZ6xmDr4

        17. Tawdry Quirks

          Fighting vampires? I think you’ve mistaken Abraham Lincoln for Jesus.

        18. Drunken Nordmann

          A lot of people do that.

      2. NerdHerder

        Nah, you’re thinking of Praise Kids XVI.

    3. JA

      Sounds like the name of a porn movie.

  2. Ahighfunctioningsociopath

    Yeah Joyce. I thought you of all people would know not to blaspheme.

    1. Aizat

      DO NOT BLASPHEME! DO NOT BLASPHEME!

  3. drhorrbl

    Heh, Psalty reference

    1. Jeffrywith1e

      Oh yes. I remember also.

      I remember.

  4. Claire

    Are those all real shows? The only religious kids show I know is Veggie Tales..

    1. Jen Aside

      ThatsTheJoke.jpg

    2. Gryph

      Seems more likely to be a loose parody of the (very real) Psalty the Singing Song Book. His most popular video (to which I had the soundtrack, thank you) was the Singalongathon, Maranotha Marathon Hallelujah Jubilee (which I apparently still know the words too. This is why I’m bad at math).

    3. Yotomoe

      They’re parodies of real shows and that’s just as bad.

      1. Aizat

        But some parodies are better than the real show.

        1. JustCheetoDust

          Speaking of superior parodies, I wish there was a rival to the United Parcel Service with the acronym “DOWNS.”

        2. Aizat

          Delivery Of something something Service?

        3. LazerWulf

          Delivery Of Weaponized Nukes Service?

        4. Bill

          There is, it’s called the Post Office.
          It just doesn’t have a catchy acronym.

    4. Eric Burns-White

      There is such a world awaiting you. A world of the same seven puppets, bought from the same two stores, being worked by incompetent, shrill puppeters. A world where the Sheriff has the Gospel and his Furry sidekick disappears before the Prosperity Gospel Preaching Televangelist cosplays as Lucifer and abuses a kid’s soul because he read a vintage Mike Grell Warlord comic from the seventies.

      A world. Where Dooley. Must be punched.

      And Gerbert undoubtedly has been.

      My God… the albino Donkey. The singing albino Donkey.

      1. Aizat

        Dang…thank God, I didn’t see that as kid.

      2. wednesday

        I don’t think it’s fair to drag Dooley and Pals into this. They only retrofitted the Christian segments on after the fact. It’s not like, well, everything else in the iTBN children’s archive.

        Claire, you won’t find Psalty the Singing Songbook (or its followup, Colby’s Clubhouse) in here, but there’s plenty of other stuff. I recommend Arnie’s Shack and all but the last dozen episodes of Puppet Parade.

        I use the term “recommend” loosely.

        1. Eric Burns-White

          You’ll know when to stop watching Puppet Parade. It’s at the first moment that the accordion is suddenly gone, the jazz begins, and you find yourself saying, in a shocked voice of confused outrage… “that’s… not… Baby Bird… that’s… not Jasper… That’s. Not. Fucking. GRANDMA SINGASONG!”

        2. wednesday

          On the other hand, if C Me Dance turns the original poster’s crank, that might be when to start.

      3. TPman

        Links or it didn’t happen. This is all real right? If not you are the greatest author of our time. If so, then this is the worst of all possible worlds.

    5. Kamino Neko

      Hymmel the Hymnal is a reference to/parody/trademark friendly expy of a real thing, which was discussed at some length when he was last mentioned.

      1. Claire

        Wow I never knew, thanks for that horrifying enlightenment.

    6. garaden

      It’s a riff on Psalty the Singing Songbook. There’s a character called Charity Churchmouse, which I think gives this storyline its name. She also appears in the horrible, horrible background of Willis’s Tumblr.

      …which, incidentally, is the only reason I know any of this. Sigh…*shakes fist halfheartedly*…damn you Willis, that was a weird-ass Youtube trip.

      1. John

        The Dumbiverse Churchmouse is named “Chastity”…

  5. timemonkey

    Walky’s not good at dealing with other people having opinions, is he?

    1. Yotomoe

      Only the ones that are WRONG.

      1. Aizat

        Yeah, like some idiot saying that Garzey’s Wing is a good sequel to Aura Battler Dunbine, you just want to slap that guy.

        1. Yotomoe

          THEY’RE ALWAYS SHOUTING ALL THE TIME.

        2. newllend

          Or like how some people Still think Goku can beat superman in a fight even though DEATH BATTLE already put that debate to rest.

          Rest in peace Goku~

        3. Aizat

          Because he can beat Superman.

        4. newllend

          That’s we all thought, but appearantly superman can survive beingin the sun, lift three times the earths size and destroy planets with nothing but a single punch and many different other things he’s capable of things he’s capable of that DEATH BATTLE explained a lot better than I could.

          You know what here

          http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oyl97TG8jbA

        5. Aizat

          Pfft…Death Battle is B.S. Batman losing to Spiderman? Yeah, in what universe? Hell, here’s an article that pretty much said that Death Battle screwed up in the Superman vs Goku B.S: http://www.screwattack.com/news/death-battle-erred-goku-vs-superman

          Also, I’m pretty damn sure both Superman and Goku would prefer not to have the world blow up.

        6. begbert2

          I’m a little confused about your comment about Batman losing to Superman. Yes, he tends not to in actual comics, because Superman spanking the puny human would make Supes look petty and would admit that Batman is in fact a puny human. So instead you get these horribly contrived scenarios. But I’d say it’s pretty clear that if Superman was actually *trying* to kill Batman (I assume that’s the premise of something called “Death Battle”), Batman would be a charred red smear before he was able to get the “start moving” signals to reach his muscles.

        7. Yotomoe

          Goku WOULD lose to superman. To put in perspective, Goku can still DROWN. He’s just a man. Even if you took Goku at his unreasonable strongest Superman would still beat him just because Superman has no limitations to his power. I love Goku, way more than I do superman. But I like him more BECAUSE he isn’t invincible. Like…I don’t know why people are so mad about this. Goku’s strength is pretty relative but the most we’ve seen him do is blast people into the sun. He probably couldn’t PUSH or pull a planet cuz he’s not strong enough. But he doesn’t need to be. His series doesn’t call for it.

        8. Yotomoe

          Also, Begbert, He said batman losing to SPIDERMAN.

        9. begbert2

          *forehead smack*

          That’s nowhere NEAR as clear-cut. I’ll just slink away now…

        10. nothri

          Aizat, no offense dude but that article makes so many insane assumptions, applies so many disadvantages to Supes that it doesn’t want to give to Goku…all I’m seeing here is “we didn’t like the way they threw around their numbers so we’e going to throw around our numbers in a way that lets our guy win”. I love debating geeky crap to the cows come home, but I’m sorry to say this level of wankier is too much even for me. So I will give you the real answer to this debate right here and now.

          Goku wins in Goku’s universe, because Superman in Goku’s universe is a comic book character at best (assuming comic books even exist as such in Goku’s universe- they got things like dinosaurs and flying cars and amazing “bigger on the inside” storage technology that clearly doesn’t exist in our world so maybe DC comics doesn’t exist in their world.

          Superman wins in Superman’s universe because in Superman’s universe Goku is just a japanese cartoon character (again, if he exists at all).

          Neither of them win in our universe because both of them are just comic book characters. In fact, given that they get pitted against one another in our universe viz internet debate wars to the point where actual numbers were crunched and brain power spent on the issue rather than using those brain cells for something of practical use like building a bridge or replacing the space shuttle I’m gonna go ahead and say that neither of them won, BUT EVERYONE LOST. Mike drop, I’m out.

        11. Jonathan S.

          You don’t need numbers to prove that Supes can beat Goku. Just watch their shows. Supes would wait until Goku was about halfway through his power-up sequence, then just punch the bejeezus out of him, because Superman doesn’t have to shout for half an hour before he can hit something.

        12. Clif

          Save it for the Internet.

          Oh, wait.

        13. Legasher

          And of course, RIP all of US too, in that scenario…

          #Goodjobbreakingithero

  6. Wonder Wig

    Still a better album than Kidz Bop.

    1. Kryss LaBryn

      They’re something like the Mini-Pops, aren’t they?

      I really, really, really never understood the appeal of trying to sell kids albums of a bunch of other kids singing pop songs. I’m pretty sure only adults with no clue about what to get as a gift think buying the Mini-Pops or Kidz-Bop version would be a good idea, rather than buying the actual album of the original artist the kid liked.

      I mean, really, it’d be like showing up at the nursing home and going, “Hey, Grandpa! You know how you really like Perry Como? Well, guess what I have for you! It’s an album of a bunch of ninety-year-olds singing Perry Como’s songs! Cool, huh?

      Or “Hey, Sean! Guess what I got for your 16th birthday! You really like Metallica, right? Well, check this out: an album of a bunch of teens you’ve never heard of covering Metallica songs!

      “That’s way more awesome than just a regular Metallica album, right? Because, see, they’re teens too, so you can, like, relate and stuff. Here, check this kid singing ‘Enter Sandman.’ It’s nifty!”

      –I have been (unreasonably) angry about these things since I saw the first ad for them during Saturday morning cartoons. I mean, who cares really, but–gah. STOP IT.

  7. Totally not a murderer in disguise

    Too many Joyce faces, I don’t know what to do

    1. shietka

      “Hey everyone, check out all these sweet characters making all these precious faces.”
      http://www.shortpacked.com/?id=2056

  8. Galatine

    All Hail the Glorious Monkey Master.

  9. Kernanator

    Yes, banish the anger. Lock up all feelings deep within your soul where they will never ever see the light of day.

    1. Aizat

      You can’t banish anger…it will just hide and grow until you snap.

      1. Kernanator

        I believe that’s the joke.

    2. Kamino Neko

      I have the strangest urge to sing Let It Go.

      1. Kernanator

        CONCEAL, DON’T FEEL.

        1. Kelly

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ThvBNZdGcQ

    3. StClair

      “Down in your stomach, Anakin. Tight little ball.”

  10. Stephen Bierce

    The Federal Government considers that network its own religion for tax purposes.

    1. C.

      BTW, the only network where that’s actually the case is Daystar.

  11. LiamAldam

    Now that we’re done beating around the bush, let’s get to the heart of this storyline.

    1. Yotomoe

      The strap-ons.

    2. Aizat

      Or you could beat the bush with the Penetrator.

    3. newllend

      Yes, about how Joyce is never going to score with Ethan.

  12. Aizat

    Joyce, have you taken your foot in mouth shots yet?

  13. newllend

    Wow Joyce is the one pissing off and offending Walky for change.

    1. Mkvenner

      Hurray! Progress.

    2. GhostWriterL

      I’d say it’s just fandom vs fandom rage that neither side really cares about and would just argue to have fun, but… it’s Walky and Joyce. Instead of oil and water it’s going to be more like petroleum and C4.

  14. Ragnal

    Buckle up, folks, we’re going to Nightmare World.

    1. Aizat

      More like Fan War 3000.

  15. Ophannin

    Joe’s singular eyebrow is really freaking me out. At least with the other characters, I can pretend it’s behind the hair.

    1. KingMabel

      Joe is so straight he only needs one eyebrow!

    2. GhostWriterL

      …it didn’t bother me before until you mentioned it but now I can’t look past it. 😐

    3. Nono

      Joyce and Walky both have two in the last panel. So I guess we’ll get a Joe double brow when he wants to.

    4. Marisa Mockery

      He’s too manly to pluck the monobrow.

  16. -JAD-

    You should feature at least part of one episode of these shows. Just saying.

  17. Aizat

    What was it you said earlier, Joyce? It’s just cartoons?

    1. newllend

      Not to Walky apparently.

  18. shietka

    I knew the title of this arc meant we were going to revisit “Hymmel the Humming Hymnal.” I assume Joyce is going to show it to some of her friends? I can’t wait for the horror when they learn how horrible it is (assuming it’s as bad as what it parodies (and the images Willis shared made it seem even worse)). Will Dorothy (or Ethan) be able to resist pointing out all the awful racism and sexism? Walky certainly won’t.

    1. Viktoria

      Walky will probably sit there quietly seething, having been ordered by Dorothy to avoid causing trouble. SHE’LL be the one who can’t help pointing it out. Remember when she went to church with Joyce? Same thing, she’ll be kind, but honest.

    2. Mkvenner

      And possible anti-Semitism.

  19. JustCheetoDust

    17? Who says only porn sequels reach a number like that?

    1. Drazisil

      Land before time?

      1. Jaxx Sentinel

        All Dogs go to heaven if we count every potential spin-off that movie had

      2. Roborat

        They are all the same movie, how come nobody can see that?

  20. Yotomoe

    Such HERASY.

  21. Flimsyfishy

    The suspense is terrible… I hope it will last.

  22. newllend

    Jeez come down wolky, Joyce can say anything she wants about any cartoon…as long as she doesn’t talk shit about gurren lagann, adventure time, fairy tail, or one piece.

    1. newllend

      *walky

    2. Aizat

      Or Dragon Ball or Getter Robo. I WILL RIP HER SPINE AND USE IT AS A BASEBALL BAT!…err….pretend you didn’t see that rage.

      1. newllend

        Getter Robo? Never heard of that show before.

        1. Aizat

          Pretty much the granddaddy of Gurren Lagann.

        2. newllend

          Now I’ve got to check that out, that sounds interesting.

        3. Aizat

          Go read the manga first. The 70’s anime is a more watered down version…if you can find out. Shin Getter Robo Armageddon is considered to be the best one.

        4. FlashXX

          …I respect your through research ‘Brother’. B]

        5. Jaxx Sentinel

          On this journey i Highly suggest watching Gaogaigar as well, but now i have to rewatch Shin Getter for an awesomeathon!

  23. MacBone

    I wonder if Joyce ever watched Bibleman. Those videos were pretty terrible.

    My favorite shows were all radio dramas. Adventures in Odyssey, the Sugar Creek gang (based on a series of books), Ranger Bill.

    They’re not wholly without merit, although I look back on the Odyssey story critiquing Dungeons and Dragons and shudder. For instance, I remember the words flotsam and jetsam from one of the SCG books, and I can still quote part of Longfellow’s “The Village Blacksmith” from Poetry quoting it (yeah, some kid actually had the nickname “Poetry” – he was the brainy one (= ).

    Radio dramas are much cheaper to produce than video, and sometimes the lower production costs mean better quality scripts. The Narnia and Father Gilbert radio dramas are actually quite good.

    1. MacBone

      Heh. =) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWafxnt3Zv0

    2. newllend

      I’ve seen Bible man before, once its like Batman mixed with stare mixed power Rangers , all inspired by Christian values.

      Though I can hardly remember what friend of mine made me watch it back then.

    3. wednesday

      Which iteration of Bibleman are we talking here? It started dreadful, got a little better, became trashily watchable, went into decline as Willie Aames’s departure got drawn out, and then we got the new guy. The new guy was unwatchable.

      1. MacBone

        By the time Bibleman was released, I was working at a Christian bookstore during my summer and Christmas breaks, so I think we only had the first two or three volumes. A TV/VCR combo sat on the music counter, and we’d swap out videos from the rental section.

    4. BigMadDraco

      I remember the animated version of Adventures in Odyssey being rather good and Veggie Tales as well. Honestly, I might check for some of the radio dramas because I like them, but so few are produced these days.

      I’ve never really understood the fear some Christians have against D&D, especially since good is generally the default alignment for player characters. Then again I never understood how you could be against a book written by a Christian author with themes on how taking the easy way to power leads to evil and that holding to moral values is ultimately a source of strength (Harry Potter).

      1. OldFart

        If you thought Satan and demons were real, surrounding us, and constantly exploiting any potential leverage into people’s lives, you might see D&D as a tool used by demonic forces to gain control of people. 30 years ago, that’s exactly what I believed. I thought all those fantasy demons were means for real demons to gain a foothold in people’s conciousness. I was scared my brother and his friends could become possessed by demons by playing D&D. (In case of random nesting, I’m replying to BigMadDraco).

        1. BigMadDraco

          I do think Satan is real, I just don’t think that releasing a series of games where good people, often including holy men, kick the collective asses of his forces would be an effective use of his time compared to the standard temptations for easy roads to power, money, etc.

        2. John

          Uh, not to defend the Dark Dungeons crowd, who know about as much about D&D as Joyce does about sex, but your typical D&D party, whatever it may say next to “Alignment:” on their character sheets, is a bunch of murder hobos motivated primarily by the acquisition of GP and XP, and those “holy men” you mention aren’t getting their divinely-granted powers from the Christian god.

        3. Fred

          i also had it explained to me that one of the problems with DnD was that it taught that you could go and defeat evil by violence with your OWN sword. When it should teach that all things are possible ONLY through Jesus, acceptance of the Lord’s will and pure-hearted prayer. If every dungeon ended in a deus ex machina, where Jesus came and saved the party (see what i did there?), the preacher wold accept it.
          This guy liked Narnia as fantasy, because no matter how good or brave the heroes were, they needed Aslan to come in at the end of the book and save the day.

        4. Clif

          That level requires actual thought. It probably was an issue for a few, but the more common reaction was “The game has demons. It teaches people to use magic. It encourages killing. Of course it’s evil.”

      2. Legasher

        In many of the cases that I’ve run into, any depiction of evil is as equally evil as the worst depiction of that thing would be in real-life. So Twilight is evil because Vampires are evil – the fact that the Cullens are essentially just humans who need blood to survive doesn’t matter, because in other forms of fiction, vampires exist due to deals with the devil, and are basically lesser demons, which in RL are evil. Harry Potter as a book is evil because any depiction of wizardry, witchcraft or magic is as evil as a rl Satanic spellbook. It’s paranoid craziness, and I say that knowing how great some of these people are. There’s also a sliding scale of how far people will go with this. But I’ve even heard an otherwise terrific and sane person describe fiction involving bats or spiders as evil as they are depictions of ugliness. It completely ignores the content and value and possible wisdom in favor of the easiest and shallowest labels possible.

        1. xKiv

          It’s as if sometimes people don’t want to comprehend the difference between a made-up story and reality.

      3. MacBone

        I’d say the majority of Christians have no clue that Madeleine L’Engle was a Christian, either. My parents denounced L’Engle, and I’m surprised they let me read Lewis and Tolkien.

        You know who else was a Christian? Gary Gygax, one of the creators of D&D (http://drchris.me/d20/?p=156), hence jokes like smashing a ziggurat as the material component to cast the spell that lets you speak any language, Tongues (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/spells/tongues.htm), an allusion to the tower of Babel that was still in D&D 3.5 (I’m not sure about 4th edition and beyond).

        Here’s a quote from Gary from a 2007 GenCon panel: “I was reticent to say the fact, you know, that I was a Christian, mainly because I was afraid that I would give Christianity a bad name because I did D&D. So I did, I kept my mouth shut. But I just decided no, I’m not going to do that any more.”

  24. John

    Unclench those fists, Walky. You don’t want to throw down with Joyce. She’ll cut you.

    1. JustCheetoDust

      We do know that she’s capable of glassing someone, which is still pretty bad.

  25. dancnewman

    Reminds me of another direct to video Christian series, The Donut Man. Songs about loving Jesus and other similar lessons about being good Christians. I remember one year, our church put on a reproduction of their Christmas special. Good times.

    Never understood why the gang called that followed the Donut Man around called themselves the Donut Repair Club.

    1. Abby

      Because the idea was that “life without Jesus is like a donut, like a donut, like a donut! Life without Jesus is like a donut, ’cause there’s a whole in the middle of your heart!”
      And then he’d pick up a regular donut and fill it up with a pastry nugget to demonstrate Jesus filling your heart, thus “fixing” it.

  26. Yotomoe

    Hymmel the humming Hymnel has to be a terrible show. Why? Because have you ever listened to anyone HUM and not get pissed off?

    1. JustCheetoDust

      Yeah, during season 3 of Mr. Show. (episode 7, “The Great Philouza” sketch)

  27. Bill

    Anybody remember “Moral Orel” on ‘Adult Swim’?

    1. The Sound Defense

      Man that show was the shit. Surprisingly insightful at times.

    2. dancnewman

      Or the show it was lampooning: Davey and Goliath?

      1. wednesday

        Dino Stamatopoulos doesn’t really see Moral Orel as a Davey and Goliath parody.

        Davey and Goliath is shockingly memorable, and still in reruns to this day.

        1. David M Willis

          You can’t trust Starburns!

      2. dancnewman

        See, I’d believe him if the figurines for Orel and Davey were not eerily similar.

    3. newllend

      That show was just fucking depressing at the end Dude.

      1. GhostWriterL

        I never watched much of it, but doesn’t it end with Orel growing up, leaving his hometown, faith, and family behind, meeting up with that girl from that one episode, marrying her and having a family of his own with a son he pays attention to and raises well? I read that on wikipedia I think after I ended up catching half of the episode with the sex shop girl wandering around naked where it implies she was sexually assaulted, impregnated, and ended up getting an abortion… Not that there were any anatomical details, but I remember being REALLY weirded out that even at 2AM, that episode was allowed to be shown on TV.

        1. Drunken Nordmann

          What kind of series is that? I don’t think there was ever an equivalent to that where I live – and if someone would bother to translate it for the German market, it would either be broadcast around midnight or they’d censor the hell out of it like they did with most more “brutal” anime.

        2. Amazi-Stool

          According to german wikipedia, it was broadcasted on Sat 1 Comedy and currently runs on TNT Serie (pay-tv).

          The entry in the english wikipedia is more informative and links to a list of episodes.

    4. JustCheetoDust

      Everything, but the special, yeah. I need to go watch that.

  28. David

    OMG.. is this based on Psalty the singing song book? Because I fucking remember that! That stuff was crazy.

  29. newllend

    Although I don’t trust talking books any more ever since “Superbook.”

  30. Barf Ninjason

    It must get hard for Dorothy, always being the only person in the room who’s not being at least one variety of ridiculous.

  31. Idon'tcarenomore

    I am soooo glad I am not a Christian. Then I’d have to strangle Joyce.
    And watch something called the Hymal Hymnal. Moral Oral gagged me.

    Just a happy Pagan who need not go thru all that mind boggling BS.

    What goes around comes around, pretty much covers most all of it.
    [As in, the Evil you do comes back to you 3 fold, as does the Good].

    Take what you will, and own it.
    [As in, if I screw up, it’s not the parents fault, the boss’s fault, societies fault, Goddess’s fault. It’s all mine].

    There are a couple more, but those are the main’s, imo.

    Good easy rules to live by.

    1. GhostWriterL

      Moral Oral gagged you? I don’t understand that phrase.

      1. Kamino Neko

        Just need to go looking for fanart…it’ll make sense after that.

        1. Drunken Nordmann

          That way madness lies.

  32. EvergreenFir

    “Save it for the internet” will be my new dismissive phrase

    1. Clif

      Especially on the Internet.

  33. Dierna

    I haven’t heard or seen anything since Kids Praise 5… I have the first 4 on records…actual records… Best Psalty the Singing Songbook songs are “Welcome To The Family”, and “One Step At A Time”…

    1. Ben

      Well at least I’m not the only one aware of Hymmel’s real world counter-part… thank you for that Dierna.

  34. Regalli

    … So when do we get to see Joyce’s “Dexter and Monkey Master repent for their sins and fall prostate before the Lord” fanart? Or fanfic?

    Because I would pay so much money for that if I had money right now.

    1. OldFart

      *prostrate

      1. Regalli

        I’d say that was a sleep-deprived typo, but honestly with bad religious fanart that is also a possibility.

        Don’t ask how.

        1. Jonathan S.

          I want to see them falling prostate before the Lord. I bet He’d like that. 🙂

        2. Roborat

          I like your version better.

    2. WaytoomanyUIDs

      It can be a stretch goal for the Kickstarter for Book 3!

  35. GhostWriterL

    Somehow I don’t think Walky is going to take very kindly to Joyce essentially saying “Your outrage right now is because you lack God and Jesus and should listen/watch these God and Jesus things to fix yourself”… and Dorothy then ends up getting sucked into the middle and having to choose between her boyfriend/FWB and her friend that put her own relationship with her parents on the line to be friends with her. It quite possibly will soon suck to be Dorothy.

    1. Heavensrun

      I doubt that’s what she’s saying. I took it as something more like implying the theme of “Praise Kids 17” is about controlling your temper or something like that.

    2. Clif

      Besides, the boyfriend is only a disposable Danny substitute to be tossed away when she gets into a more prestigious school.

  36. Ghola

    Every time these two fight it’s like watching one of the old Godzilla movies.. Biblethumper Pastwillis vs Mecha Pajamajean Willis…

  37. JnZooer

    OMG, Joyce is so cute in that sweater!

  38. Ghostforge

    And once they get back to the dorms this is what Walky will say; “No matter what, D&MM is still better than that piece of talking Jesus book tripe. By the way, where did the door -Praise Him- go? …..What? Why are you all looking at me like that?”

  39. Bearfuz

    “Anger Banishment…” sounds a little like that song from The Book of Mormon: “Turn it Off (Like a Light Switch)”

  40. Tenn

    The last few days of DoA and related Tumblr discussions make me super happy and thankful to have been born into a relatively secular society and raised by rather non-religious parents.

    By the time I was first exposed to people telling me “Hey, did you know there’s this magic beard man who created everything including you and me but you can’t see him because he lives in heaven no not that heaven silly also you can’t hear him but he can hear you and see you and you can pray to him and tell him he’s great and ask him for things no he won’t give you a new video game I mean things like helping you be good because it’s so easy to be not good without his guiding hand also if you’re not good you will burn in eternal fire after you die and be poked with pitchforks by red guys with horns?”, it was pretty easy for me to identify it as bullshit.

    1. Stranger

      You really shouldnt exagerate something to absurd levels like that, it makes the argument look loaded. I dont know, maybe if you’re raised from birth to belive in it, it seems more plausible?

      1. Gka

        In fairness, I’m pretty sure the only part of that which isn’t canon is the beard.

        I mean, COME ON, what kind of timeless eternal embodiment of perfection is too lazy to shave?

        1. Clif

          But the fact she has a beard is the only part Tenn got right.

      2. Tenn

        Of course it would be more plausible. That’s why I’m glad I wasn’t raised that way.

        And I’m just exaggerating for funsies. No one ever unloaded all that at me at once, and I don’t think I’ve met anyone who was adamant about the exact nature of hell. Basically, the only thing I needed to hear was “This being exists, but you can’t see him or hear him, and he won’t give you any signs that he exist. You just have to believe.”

        For the record, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with unprovable beliefs. I have lots of them, like believing I’m not going to die today. What I do think is wrong is teaching children to accept the unprovable as fact.

        1. Jonathan S.

          So I shouldn’t tell my kids they’re not going to die today?

        2. Jeremy

          to be honest, the main reason I’ve believed in God is the fact that the idea of creation just felt a bit more plausible to me. After I got a bit older, I decided I needed to start from square one on my whole “faith and beliefs” thing. I thought it over and after a while I just found that I couldn’t sincerely believe that everything around me, including me just popped up due to a massive explosion. granted I also struggled with the whole “Origin of God” thing, but I reasoned that I’d burn that bridge when I got there. in the end though, while I do admit that both idea’s do take a rather large leap of faith, i just find that the idea of being created by a Divine force a bit more believable that “the universe is here because big boom the end” (man I hope that last part didn’t come off as derivative)

  41. Whittier

    Psalty reference. NICE.

  42. Stranger

    Ugh, “moral alternatives”

    Christian anything is always worse than regular anything

    1. Jimmy

      I consider myself Agnostic but I like some “Christian” music a lot better than “Secular” music. Never say always. 🙂

      1. Stranger

        By that I mean that Christian media intended to be moral alternatives to popular secular things is always worse, like those horrible christian video games or the ridiculous Christian trading cards

      2. Daibhid C

        Many, many years ago, when I was a first year at a Scottish high school, there was a rock band at assembly. And I thought this was really cool because it was a rock band. Performing at the school. And they said there was a concert that night, so I asked my parents if we could go.

        And it was halfway through the concert when it finally dawned on me that this was not a regular rock band, as the lead singer began talking about being born again. Glancing over, I saw that my staunchly atheist dad had his best netural expression on, obviously not wanting to spoil something I’d been excited about…

      3. OldFart

        @Jimmy I still sorta pine for some sacred music. Choral stuff, modern and traditional, Hovaness, Bach, etc. And I wish I still had some of the old Phil Keaggy albums I got rid of years ago. Those extended live guitar solos, omg I loved that stuff. The melodies of some hymns still tug at me…but the words creep me out now.

  43. Jimmy

    Let’s not get into a cartoon holy war here. In the big picture I think we’re going to survive 😉

  44. Drazisil

    Does anyone remember shape up kids?

  45. hof1991

    Ok, my favorite part of this mini-arc is the sleeves. Joyce has the over the hands kiddie style sleeves. Dorothy has the rolled up, ready for business sleeves (much like Joyce’s brother). Walky seems to be wearing yesterday’s clothes since he spent the night away from his room and doesn’t give a damn.

    1. Butt0ns

      *Joyce’s sister

  46. Chris

    OK, I finally have to ask… (I grew up in Northern Michigan, joined the Army and have settled in Northern Virgina, I’ve never lived anywhere normally referred to as the ‘Bible Belt’)

    Are people REALLY like that?

    1. Jaxx Sentinel

      I’m From Illinois, but have spent enough time in the belt as a kid to tell you that yes, but from what I saw/ remember , it is not the norm. There was a family like Joyce across the street from my Uncles home in Alabama who were raised VERY sheltered to the point that it scared me. I distinctly remember the Oldest calling me a heathen and proceeded to tell me that I was going to hell because I didn’t like going to church (and that we were talking about porn , but that’s besides the point ), when my cousins backed me up , They kind of stopped hanging around us and bolted wen we came out to play. good times .

    2. Kyle

      Joyce is about a thousand times nicer than most, but yes.

    3. Jeremy

      not all of em, i grew up in a christian house and most people were generally i knew were nice and willing to accept people with belief’s different from their own. some still engaged in secular activities but refrained from drinking. they never really called anyone out granted there were a few extremists, but for the most part we were cool with most other people

  47. Gka

    During her childhood, a Jewish acquaintance of mine was jealous of how Christians get Santa Claus, so her parents invented Mordecai the Mitzvah Mouse. She thought this was legit until she was like 12 years old.

    Boy, was she ever disappointed by the revelation that all her faith really has for the holidays is some crummy ghost named Elijah.

    1. what was the question again?

      Elijah’s not a ghost, he’s an immortal who ascended to heaven without actually dying first.

      So he’s sort of the OPPOSITE of a ghost, in that he’s a living person who haunts the dead.

      1. Gka

        Fair point. All Jews get for the holidays is a crummy invisible prophet.

        “IM AT UR SEDER, EATIN UR CHALLAH”

    2. Legasher

      It seems like a much better deal to me. Some people are traumatized by the whole “My parents blatantly lied to me for no reason at all for the entirety of my childhood” revelation. As someone who has done both the Christian and the Jewish thing, having traditions that came about to better serve the point of the holiday and make it richer, rather than hijacking pagan traditions and pretending it relates to make it cheaper (acceptable or desirable to people who don’t actually believe, but that are culturally obligated to seem like they do) was one of the huge things that made the transition so much easier and convinced me I was moving in the right direction (from Christian to Jewish/Christian, which meant, among many other things, abandoning Christian holidays in favor of Jewish ones.)

    3. Jeremy

      does it make me a bad person at the fact that i laughed for like five minutes at the thoughts of Mordecai the Mitzvah Mouse?

      1. Marcos Dantas

        Wait, mice are kosher?

        1. Bill

          Mice are considered to be a crawling animal and therefore are treyf (unclean).

  48. begbert2

    My brain keeps trying to assemble the word “hymen” out of “hymmel the hymnal”.

    I think I’m a bad person.

    1. Kamino Neko

      Yeah, well…you’re not the only one.

      1. Jaxx Sentinel

        …yeaaah…I with ya there…

    2. Knightsky

      Oh good, it wasn’t just me.

    3. OldFart

      Couldn’t have been Willis’ intention or anything.

    4. Jeremy

      i’m in the same boat chief

  49. llop

    But he can summon bears to assualt children with

    1. Marcos Dantas

      How come D&D clerics don’t have this power?

      1. Kamino Neko

        Because that’s an Arcane spell.

  50. Charles Phipps

    Christian + genre does not necessarilly mean bad. Pentecost by Joanna Penn is Christian Lara Croft.

    (Yes, there’s no evidence she’s not Christian but this one goes after Jesus relics!)

    1. Kyle

      Yeah, but it usually means bad. If you’re selling God, you’ve already got a dedicated audience that’ll buy no matter what. You can skimp on quality and go for volume and promotion.

  51. Jaxx Sentinel

    Throughout all of this I have to wonder if Joyce was allowed to watch all dogs go to heaven or Veggie tales?

    1. Abby

      Why wouldn’t she be allowed to watch Veggie Tales? I can get ADGTH, because it’s not exactly theologically correct, but I can’t recall anything fundies would object to in Veggie Tales (other than pop culture references to franchises they might not agree with, but I think those would go over their heads).

  52. Bill

    At the risk of starting a firestorm, why is it OK for people (both in the comic strip as well as in real life) to follow concepts such as paganism, hedonism, atheism, agnosticism, or even The Way of the Jedi and for the most part they are left alone, but let someone come up and say “Hey, Christianity isn’t necessarily a bad idea either” and it’s open season on them?

    1. Jen Aside

      I bet it’s your perception, because it’s open season on EVERYBODY. The only reason Jedis are left alone is that “no one” feels like arguing over an obvious fake religion.

      [cue Flying Spaghetti Monster followers]

    2. John

      Poor Christians. Such a persecuted minority.

    3. begbert2

      Probably because paganism, hedonism, atheism, agnosticism, and the Way of the Jedi don’t go around massively influencing the lives of non-members. Religions that do, like Christianity and Islam, garner more heat.

    4. sps48

      Because when you are secure in being A No. 1 in your region, you either don’t fel persecuted, or you start using your power to make everyone follow your True Belief.
      Of course there are different flavors of Christian, too.

    5. Kyle

      I’ll answer that question in the context of contemporary American history.

      The fact that “Christianity” is listed as a single religion is why. Until the 70s, you’d be talking about Baptists, Episcopalians, Pentacostals, Lutherans, etc., etc. as distinct groups. Following the backlash against McCarthyism and the increasingly potent ‘threat’ of liberalism, conservative leaders from dozens of denominations banded together into a Christian coalition. Their stated intent was political influence and power. While the attempts of the coalition to directly elect candidates failed, it became a cornerstone of the republican party and dramatically changed the religious identity of protestant adherents in the United States.

      In the past, there was a plurality of religious identities, sort of, even if almost all of those identities were just various forms of worshiping Jesus. The distinctions between the denominations have taken a backseat over the past two generations, and now a solid majority of Americans simply identify as ‘Christian’. This lends Christian leaders a startling amount of political power and influence, and their coalition with corporate interests defines the American political landscape. In the popular discourse, it’s Guns, God & Tax Cuts vs. Everyone Else.

      This gets people a bit salty, especially since the political frankenstein that defines much of contemporary Christianity flies in the face of traditional Christian values. The passion, hypocrisy, and influence is most extreme in the case of southern fundamentalists, of course, but there are few Christian power blocs that have no influence on the laws that we all live by.

      When Jedi begin seriously campaigning for government-sponsored meditation in schools, I’ll go Order 66 on their asses. Until then, they’re a curiosity at worst.

      For more information, I recommend the book “The Battle for God”, by Karen Armstrong, which chronicles the rise of fundamentalism in Christianity, Judaism, and Islam.

      1. Pope William T Wodium

        My favorite reply.

    6. David M Willis

      Punch up, don’t punch down.

    7. 3oranges

      Actually, people who are only saying “hey, Christianity isn’t necessarily a bad idea either” are for the most part left alone too. It doesn’t seem too representative of the people this comic represents, though.

    8. OldFart

      Maybe it has something to do with the trauma suffered by people coming out of Christian backgrounds, who struggle for years to repair the damage done by false beliefs? The opposition by fundamentalists to science? Especially when mass denial of global warming is making human extinction ever more likely? Ya think?

      1. Charles Phipps

        Well I’d argue about the false part but that’s another can of worms but I’d hesitate to use that for many religions I disagree with. The mass denial of global warming has nothing to do with religion, though, and everything to do with big business. Just because someone uses the Bible as a shield doesn’t mean he believes a word of it.

        1. Charles Phipps

          I will say the guy above who said the Religious Right political movement has nothing to do with Christianity (or, more precisely, is warped by political needs and vice versa) is spot on. Christianity is made worse by its association with Washington and vice versa. One cannot serve God and Mamon. One can’t serve God and Caesar, either, it seems.

    9. Yotomoe

      Probably for the same reason why people who ask for a “White history month” or a “Straight Pride Parade” are usually ignored.

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