311

Dog
Posted on June 22, 2016 by David M Willis

311 thoughts on “Dog”

  1. Ana Chronistic

    no Rickrolling?

    (at least we’re well past the threat of “Mmm-Bop”)

    ((and I’m as immune to Rickrolling as the Man in Black is to iocaine powder, which makes it all the better threat))

    1. NinjaNick

      I prefer the Macarena. 😛

      1. Doctor_Who

        I actually never hated that song, but the fucking dance stuck around WAYYYY too long. Years afterward, it was still something everyone’s tipsy aunt would unleash at wedding receptions, to completely unrelated songs.

        1. Ana Chronistic

          Who could hate a song about the town whore??

        2. Needfuldoer

          Kind of puts the dance in perspective…

        3. Joe Angel

          Supposedly, it was written for a flamenco dancer who’s dancing at a party, though obviously the gentlemen singing addressed her more like a town whore because we can never have good things

        4. Yet_One_More_Idiot

          Yeah, we get the Macarena randomly turn up at parties still too. The kids at my youth group know the Macarena and they were born years after it had been and gone… 😛

          You could also threaten her with, hmm, let’s say the Spice Girls “Wannabe”. 😛 (not that I hate that song…actually I love it :D)

        5. Reltzik

          Bieber singing “Baby” a gazillion times in a row.

          I know there’s more words to the song than that, but just pick the right segment for the ring tone and that’s all you’ll be hearing.

        6. jpic89

          I have a friend who does the Macarena at karaoke to just about every song, just because he can.

        7. slicey

          I think they still teach in elementary PE classes

        8. tim gueguen

          They taught us “The Hustle” in grade school phys. ed. in my neck of the woods. Yes, there actually were real dance steps for “The Hustle.”

          For those young’uns not familiar with the song:
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0xVLGssnwU

      2. David Alexander McDonald

        I’ll stick with the Animaniacs and “Macadamia Nut.”

        1. Benjamin Geiger

          At least it’s not Mambo #5. That song makes me homicidal.

    2. Maveric1984

      Could be worse, it could be Nickleback.

      Incidentally, I got my copy of book 5 in the mail today.

      1. Lurlock

        That’s more of a Mike song, really. It’s all about other people’s moms of course.

    3. Ana Chronistic

      oh I found what I was gonna link

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hbEOpJflBc

    4. Flimsyfishy

      Hey, it could have been Tarzan Boy by Baltimora. That’s a classic.

      1. Andrusi

        To be evil, find people too young to recognize it, and set their ringtones to just the chorus. It’s unGoogleable.

        1. Baronbrian

          I forgot about that song. Now I want it as a ringtone.

    5. Sunny

      As long as she doesn’t set the ringtones to Aqua’s “Barbie Girl”, noone should be too scarred psychologically.

      1. tim gueguen

        I prefer this one.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ur2KwuFaLug

      2. Marisa Mockery

        I actually like that song….

    6. Abel Undercity

      For true evil, you need the Banana Splits theme.

      1. Willoughby Chase

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flMS2gHFOH0

      2. Charlie Spencer

        Yeah, I was going with almost any disco tune, but it’s tough to beat the Splits.

    7. slicey

      Better threat : whiney protest music from the 60s by bands they have never heard of. The looks 18 year-olds get when subjected to it is amusing.

      1. Charlie Spencer

        “I think it’s so groovy now, that people are finally getting together.”

        “Baby, I’ll be there to shake your hand,
        Baby, I’ll be there to share the land
        That they’ll be giving away when we all live together.”

    8. Willoughby Chase

      I’m never gonna give you up

    9. Ntrovert

      Maybe “Darling Nikki”…

    10. Betty Anne

      No RickRoll, but maybe a PaintRoll?

  2. inqntrol

    Very mature Rachel. What are yiu, 5 years old?

    1. Dr. T

      This, and yesterday, is a reminder that most of these characters are fresh out of high school. Maturity is not a guarantee.

      1. Undrave

        Nothing makes you feel old like realizing how good you’ve gotten at this whole ‘adult’ thing.

      2. Plasma Mongoose

        If you want maturity, buy aged cheese.

        1. Willoughby Chase

          And a vintage port.

        2. Coru

          Mmmmm, port.

        3. Lan

          For me I tend to just desire socks. Socks are the best thing next to slippers and my digital newspaper.

        4. Rycan

          Buy something with adult content.

  3. Doctor_Who

    You can do way worse than All Star. But I guess these kids are too young to remember Achy Breaky Heart.

    1. inqntrol

      Not to mention “Little Willy” by The Sweet.

      1. Ana Chronistic

        Lovin’ You

        1. Pylgrim

          Sugar, sugar

        2. Willoughby Chase

          When I worked in a chip shop, I was subjected to Phillidelphia Freedom, Don’t Go Breaking My Heart and Back in the USSR.

          Bad times.

        3. Roborat

          Just be happy it wasn’t “The Night Chicago Died”.

        4. Falling Star

          Beyond the Sea.

        5. Emperor Norton II

          All You Need Is Love

          AKA one of the Beatles songs I kept thinking was made by the Archees until I learned otherwise.

      2. Roborat

        Hey, Little Willy is my go to song when I am out cruising in my convertible and some kids are playing rap at high volume in their crapmobile. I have also been known to use Barroom Blitz, AC/DC (the song, not the band) or anything from Andrew WK’s first album. If I want to be really obnoxious, I use Abba’s Greatest Hits album. I have a 1000 watt amp and 2-12 inch subwoofers, not many people can out volume me.

    2. foamy

      Dancing Queen.

    3. Disloyal Subject

      You monster
      I was enjoying not remembering that existed

    4. Needfuldoer

      Now imagine Doctor_Who’s above-theorized tipsy aunt doing the Macarena to it.

      I’d say it’s Billy Ray’s second-most-annoying creation, but he only recorded the hit version. When the original version failed to chart the writers tried selling it to other bands, including The Oak Ridge Boys.

      1. Willoughby Chase

        Thank you introducing me to that youtuber.

        I like one hit wonders – ephemeral but they can also be enduring – Stuck in the Middle With You for example.

    5. Seth

      Yeah I don’t see how that’s a big threat, either, and (luckily) I’m not familiar with “Achy Breaky Heart”. I’d suggest “Mother” (The Police, not Pink Floyd). Not only is it traumatically awful, the lyrics are about a telephone call. It’s apropos! “Hey Mickey” would also work.

      1. LWS

        Seth: Be grateful you have never been subjected to “Achy Breaky Heart.” My barber is a big CW fan and I swear that song comes on every other time I’m there.

        All of the above are fine/horrible choices, but for incomprehensible lyrics nothing holds a candle to “MacArthur Park.” The Donna Summers disco version at least has a better beat than the Richard Harris original:

        MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark
        All the sweet, green icing flowing down
        Someone left the cake out in the rain
        I don’t think that I can take it
        ’cause it took so long to bake it
        And I’ll never have that recipe again, oh, no

        That song rivals Vogon poetry for making you want to repeatedly smack your head against your steering wheel…

        1. Deanatay

          “Weird Al” based his song “Jurassic Park” on it. Makes much more sense than the original. And that’s saying something…

    6. Charlie Spencer

      I’ve been to Paradise, but I’ve never been to me.

      1. Inspector Hound

        We have a winner!

        Actually, I consider “Holiday for Strings” to be the worst song, but it’s sufficiently old — by decades — that it’s pretty much disqualified as a threat for eighteen-year-olds. And a significant percentage of the songs mentioned are actually good, they just got overplayed. Blame the DJs, people.

    7. Willoughby Chase

      Doctor Who – The Mullet Years.

  4. Sarah-2

    NOT ALL-STAR

    1. Doctor_Who

      #notallstar

      1. David M Willis

        ffffffffffffft

        1. multiversalNobody

          Damn you Willis!

      2. Reltzik

        #notallstars are Scientologists.

      3. Dara

        #winner

      4. Regalli

        Okay we can close the comments for today, no point in trying to top this one.

  5. Likopilio

    Oh wow..

  6. AgentKeen

    I’d be ok with that.

    1. Schpoonman

      Ditto.

      1. Tunaro

        I don’t even understand how that’s supposed to be a threat.

    2. Random832

      I’d only be okay with it if she can also arrange for everyone’s phones to ring in sequence after doing so. I have high standards.

  7. Tuen

    You’re an all star~

    1. shadowcell

      get your game on

      1. NinjaNick

        Go play and all that glitters is gold.

        1. Vex Godglove

          Only shooting stars break the mold

        2. Reltzik

          Urge to kill…. rising!

          …

          nah, I kid, I’m fine with the song, but DAMN. NO ONE would know if it was their phone ringing.

        3. Dara

          <whistles the solo>

        4. qman

          Might as well be walking on the sun.

        5. Bibulb

          Shit. Stole my sunshine.

          Shit. Wrong band.

        6. Falling Star

          (watches Shrek repeatedly)

      2. Hollister Dixon

        COLD PLAY

  8. Jess

    you’re an all-star

    1. theheroesofcrash

      Get your game on, go play

      1. Coru

        Hey now, you’re a rockstar

  9. Mr. Mendo

    I don’t see how that’s a threat…

  10. Teddae

    poor carla

  11. Skizz

    Mine is The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Matching how I wake up in the morning.

    1. Disloyal Subject

      She Leads Us is great for waking up with a generous dollop of villainy.

  12. ailorn

    Load faster… i can only see the top…

  13. Stephen R. Bierce

    We already had the Dorothy puppy. Are we gonna get a Ruth puppy too?

    Strong smell of updog in here.

    1. MatthewTheLucky

      Reminds me more of skydog.

      1. Ana Chronistic

        WHAT’S SKYDOG

        nothin’, what’s sky with you LOLOLOLOL

        …wait

        1. Spencer

          I got that to work on someone.

          It was the happiest moment of my life.

        2. DSL

          Did you use a henway?

        3. Slartibeast Button, BIA

          I think a wurmdue would be more appropriate.

        4. Cerberus

          Is it as much as a duck, because I’ve got some matches is all I’m saying.

        5. Ana Chronistic

          How do you get an elephant into a Safeway bag?

  14. DarkoNeko

    Oh, so she’s a cracker/hacker too.

    1. Cerberus

      The fact that Carla is a hacker is giving me happy Nomi from Sense8 feelings right now.

      1. caesaria82

        What Would Nancy Drew Do <3

    2. showler

      Ruttech has a back door installed on all its phones. They won’t let the FBI use it, but Carla has full access.

      1. Doctor_Who

        Well obviously. I mean, if I had to trust one of them…

    3. Reltzik

      That or she can pick locks and use a flashlight to pick out the screen smudge patterns for unlocking them.

      1. DarkoNeko

        not within 5 minutes.

        1. Disloyal Subject

          Underestimate her at your peril.

    4. de Combys

      In that case it would be cracking.

    5. Architex

      In my head every landline will also have its ringtone changed

  15. NinjaNick

    You don’t want to see Carla get mad, Rach. Remember Mary?

    1. Doctor_Who

      Nope. Neither does anyone else. Carla pwned her so hard her ancestors felt it, and she was never even born.

      1. Emperor Norton II

        Just because you have access to time travel doesn’t mean everyone else has, you know.

  16. BlackScarabZ

    Carla says that like All Star isn’t a legitimately good song.

    1. Reltzik

      That, or she knows that RACHAEL hates it.

  17. Cattleprod

    Wait, is the strip ending? All-Star playing is how things end. It was the law for a while there.

    1. Catapostrophe

      Well, at least it won’t be ending for at least seven minutes in comic time (five minutes to change the ringtones, two for everyone’s phones to go off and for the song to play). That could be like a month in our time if we keep switching between storylines.

  18. Just Here

    It’s not the worst ringtone I’ve ever heard. I used to work in retail, and once I had a customer whose ringtone was NSFW, let’s just say.

    1. showler

      Crazy frog?

    2. Reltzik

      New rule: Anyone who works in retail and survives the holiday season is automatically recognized as being at least 2 standard deviations above humanity’s “ability to tolerate awful songs on loop” mean.

      1. David M Willis

        In related news, I can never listen to any Christmas music ever again.

        1. Slartibeast Button, BIA

          [Makes notes for future shipping blackmail.]

        2. Tomas

          But Mister Scrooge! It’s Christmas!

        3. Doctor_Who

          Oh jeez, that’s the #1 way to make my blood pressure spike. It seriously makes me come this close to hating Christmas. The mere thought of being in any store between Thanksgiving and New Years makes my skin crawl.

        4. Vex Godglove

          I actually do hate Christmas, for a variety of reasons. The music is high on that list of reasons.

        5. Pebblerocker

          When Christmas music’s playing, London’s about to be invaded from space again.

        6. Bicycle Bill

          Don’t you mean between Labor Day and Christmas?  The season seems to start earlier and earlier every year.

        7. Kamino Neko

          I’m fine with Christmas music, still…it was a welcome respite from popular music from the 40s and 50s…some of which I liked, before…but What Did Della Wear playing 5 or 6 times in my shift killed me…literally killed me…I am writing this from beyond the grave…

        8. Idontcarenomore

          Agree 100 %.

        9. Andrusi

          Our Christmas music loop was ridiculously short. So I can listen to most Christmas music fine, but there are a few specific songs that will make me actually explode.

        10. Willoughby Chase

          My partner works in retail. She hates Christmas.

          It’s a bit like the scene in Clockwork Orange, and our hero is made to listen to Beethoven.

        11. Deanatay

          “Not Ludwig Van!!”

        12. Reltzik

          Just think of it as a preview for 5 years from now when your kids discover how to play Disney songs on the TV over… and over… and over… and over.

    3. Ana Chronistic

      no, the worst ringtone is SFW

      baby crying

      WTactualF

      1. David M Willis

        NO

        1. lightsabermario

          OOOOOOHHH! Now I know what ringtone to have and have someone call me when I visit your booth at your next convention!

        2. Willoughby Chase

          A group of you doing it simultaneously would be rather spiffing.

          Consider it as revenge.

        3. Falling Star

          It would also annoy everyone else at the convention.

      2. trlkly

        Real baby, or Baby Mario from Yoshi’s Island? ::shudder::

    4. Disloyal Subject

      I’m curious what it was… there are several flavors if NSFW. My favorite such ringtone is probably the one of a dude cussing out the phone’s owner in thickly accented English for not answering, but I know a guy who delights in making people uncomfortable by using Juice off of the PSG soundtrack.

    5. DSL

      Way back when smoking/nonsmoking sections in restaurants were still a thing where I live, I posited restaurants also having a “cutesy annoying cell phone ringtone” section. It would have air piped in from the smoking section.

  19. LimeSheep

    right, giving copies of ruths key to your dormmates is a great idea, youre really setting a quality standard here billie

    also, how would rachel have not seen billie giving carla the key? at this point theres no point to billie not just doing it herself

    1. Idontcarenomore

      I wondered that myself. Billie is in front of the door, if anyone in the dorm did not know they were together, they sure as Hell do now.

      Just open the damn door.

      Not to mention the fact, why in hell hasn’t Ruth stuck her head out the door and told them to all F&&k off?

      1. John

        She was actually in the shower the whole time. She’s now standing behind them wearing a towel and an annoyed expression.

      2. Slartibeast Button, BIA

        It is Schrödinger’s dorm room. Opening the door has a 50% chance of killing Ruth.

    2. Disloyal Subject

      And to a known prankster, no less.

  20. Mattyos

    AND THEY DON’T STOP COMING

  21. Saaaam

    how is that a threat

  22. Rukduk

    Wow. Is Carla a werewolf? Cause her teeth just got very sharp and very large.
    Also, you probably should have given Carla the key earlier Billie, so she could actually do a proper job of checking in on Ruth.

    1. Slartibeast Button, BIA

      Hacking skills mean she is a warewolf.

      1. merbrat

        +100110

      2. Disloyal Subject

        …If I ever play a Glasswalker, I think I’ll base them off Carla.

        1. DarkVeghetta

          I’m strangely ok with this. Tech-spirits guide you.

    2. Needfuldoer

      Dental nanotech. She could bite clean through hardened steel if necessary.

      Emotion-driven reshaping is still in beta.

    3. Plasma Mongoose

      Maybe she goes to the same dentist that Dina goes to.

    4. 3-I

      She’s a werecar.

  23. magicallady

    rachel, stop poking the bear

    1. DarkVeghetta

      But it’s SO FUZZY!

  24. Diana

    I…. I would totally be okay with All Star being the ringtone for an entire floor.

    HEY KNOW. I’M THE BEST SONG. CHANGE YOUR RINGTONE. LETS BANGGGGG

    1. Diana

      *sigh* Now, not know. Damn drunken hands are trying to type!

    2. Andrusi

      I’m in airplane mode, only shooting stars break the mold…

  25. Slartibeast Button, BIA

    Just plant a microphone and infrared sensor in her room to track heartbeat and 37 C IR. Problem solved.

    1. DarkVeghetta

      This being Carla, she could actually pull it off.

  26. Sporky

    That’s not evil! She’s doing them all a favor.

  27. Mangaseeker

    Okay now I would say Billy made a simple request into a chore. Plus she is bad at grammar, it should be “make sure” not “keep sure”

  28. Slartibeast Button, BIA

    I know a lamer song about stars, but I will spare you all.

    1. Disloyal Subject

      No mercy.
      Enlighten us, please!

    2. DarkVeghetta

      Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

  29. Zach

    Is that a threat or a bribe?

  30. Terry

    I like All Star.

  31. Palamdrone

    Is that a threat, or a reward?

  32. Catapostrophe

    –you’re an all star
    get your gay mom
    goat pray!

    (What do you mean those aren’t the real words)

    1. zoelogical

      when all that litters is old
      only soot’n’tar bake the lols

    2. Wizard

      I like yours better.

    3. Tacos

      Is it bad that I now want to hear a mondegreen version of this song?

    4. DarkVeghetta

      Praise to the Over Goat.

  33. caesaria82

    Yeahhh, Rachel is annoying. And Carla is the beautiful evil genius of my dreams.

  34. FortyTwo

    Oh, phew. I was afraid that this was going to turn into a huge DRAMA, with Billie mistakenly thinking that Carla was falling for Ruth, making her seethe with jealousy. I’m relieved that she understood what was really going on.

    1. Slartibeast Button, BIA

      Well, we don’t know how Ruth will misinterpret the situation, so there is still hope…

    2. Kamino Neko

      On the other hand, she still got her Babaloo on, just not for the same reason.

    3. Spencer

      “You think you’ll ever have what we had? No chance of that! She’ll never steal your stuff, or toss you into a chair, or clothesline you, or constantly call you fat, or hey do you want my girlfriend?”

  35. Regalli

    This is a glorious, glorious threat of petty vengeance.

    And the thing is, looking back at it: Yeah, Billie just asked Carla to check up on Ruth for her and was super-worried. Carla’s probably used to Ruth just “being Ruthless” because it seems clear enough to me she’s been like that for quite some time, very probably even before she became RA. Carla assumes the “one ray of happiness” and “literally don’t know how to survive” is hyperbole, because she hasn’t been party to the fact that Ruth is chronically and clinically depressed and has been trying to slowly kill herself via alcohol for months at minimum and maybe even years (I think there’s more details in the backstory strip but I don’t want to go digging that far back through the archives) and has now lost one of the last tethers she had to functionality after even abrasive violence became too much effort.

    1. Idontcarenomore

      Ruth has been trying to pull her self up by her bootstraps recently. She got out of bed, showered, dressed in the shirt Billie gave her, pony tailed her hair, like Billie did it: and went outside to try to mingle with real people.

      Last out of her room she encountered Mary, don’t think she’s been seen since.

      1. Cerberus

        Yeah, Mary’s reminder that no matter her efforts, Mary will find a way to ruin her prolly really didn’t help with her desperate attempts to hold on to functional with the skin of her teeth.

        Just another reason why Mary’s actions are even worse than we assumed.

  36. Raaabr

    And then I stared upon the characters. And I realized they were being ridiculous. And then I realized they were merely a mirror to our shipping tendencies.

    …No but seriously this is like looking into a mirror of most fandoms.

  37. Tacos

    I’m not sure that’s a good threat.

  38. John

    Man. You two are bad at secrets.

    1. Cerberus

      They are very very lucky people don’t care.

      1. Cerberus

        Mary exceptions obviously apply.

  39. Bagge

    “Of course I don’t want her fed like a dog, or put on a leash or… um, I have a Leafs T-shirt I need to change into real quick.”

    1. DarkVeghetta

      *raises eyebrow*… … go on…

    2. Spencer

      TIL Bagge is super kinky.

      1. Bagge

        The more you know… 🙂

        1. 3-I

          Greaaat, now we need another slipshine. c//c

    3. Willoughby Chase

      “I wanna be your dog”

  40. Tomas

    It’s nice to see happy people appear in the story.

    1. Leorale

      Meanwhile, Professor Leslie Bean has finished reading her new novel. She lingers on the last page of beautiful prose with a happy sigh. Some authors just resonate with her. The tea kettle whistles from the kitchen.

      1. Schpoonman

        Is that a Stranger Than Fiction reference?

        1. Leorale

          Not intentionally. It’s more that, whenever somebody mentions that the characters in the comic are almost all in unhappy situations, I like imagining Leslie Bean being happy in herself and having a very nice day.

  41. Dara

    Mine is the Kimmunicator beeps.

    1. Dara

      (And in some cases the Space: 1999 year one open/close communications beeps.)

      1. Bicycle Bill

        Mine is the “Austin Powers” phone ringtone.
        At least for now.

    2. Bobvankay

      Mine the Kimmunicator beeps

      1. trlkly

        Huh. Never noticed the similarities

    3. Bobvankay

      Damnit copy paste.

  42. DarkoNeko

    so, Carla : no good deed goes unpunished.

  43. Marie

    I feel like this is beyond a normal amount of unfair to Carla. I mean, right now we don’t know, so we can hope Ruth’s fine and maybe actually recovering (or, well, starting to), but Billie is gambling against Carla walking in and finding a unconscious and maybe dying Ruth.

    Even though I’d be pissed at this if I were Ruth, I’m way more concerned for Carla, that can be a huge mental health blow even if you’re not close.

    1. Slartibeast Button, BIA

      Billie knows that Ruth will be in torpor by now, and will need fresh blood from a redhead to revive her.

  44. Charles Phipps

    Billie, maybe you should actually NOT depend on complete strangers who don’t even like someone you’re asking for them to check in on, who also aren’t aware of the problems.

  45. Tomas

    Thanks for the ear worm you sadistic bastard.

  46. kkiten

    Awww. Fucked up lesbian relationships plagued with misunderstandings are my weakness. <3

    1. Cerberus

      Are you secretly Leslie from Shortpacked!?

      http://www.shortpacked.com/index.php?id=1878

  47. LimeSheep

    the carla/ruth jokes are a little silly, but now that im thinking about it theyd be a way healthier match than ruth and billie. weve already seen that carla doesnt fall for ruths (possibly unintentional) emotional manipulation, and i doubt ruthd get pretty far if she tried to pull any of the violent shit she used to do to billie.
    personally i feel like the stockholm syndrome joke was pretty apt re: billie, but ruths never done anything like that to carla and probably would have much fewer issues with her in the first place.
    and theyve had a lot of strips together lately, and i feel like they get along well

    and honestly i cant see billie/ruth succeeding in the long term, them breaking up is a good thing as long as theres people around them to keep them safe while they deal with it

    not that i think carla actually currently has a crush on ruth. i just think it could work out

  48. Bagge

    Goddamn it, Rachel

  49. Historyman68

    Ok now the Rachels are reminding me of the “OooooOOOOoooh Brothers” from the podcast Talk Salad and Scrambled Eggs: Frasier Reconsidered.”

  50. Cerberus

    Comic Reactions:

    Panel 1: Oh, Billie, no, what are you doing? You asked someone to do you a solid, don’t yell at them for that. I know you feel impotent because you are being blackmailed and dumped(?) from being able to help Ruth more directly and you had a whole co-dependent sexy lesbian suicide pact all set up to ironically keep her and you from suicide that’s now been fucked with. And thus frustratingly work through a proxy, but still…

    No need to take it out on the roller-skating messenger like that.

    Panel 2: Actually, Billie:
    http://www.dumbingofage.com/2016/comic/book-6/03-when-god-closes-the-door/morlock/

    You told her to “check in on her from time to time” after coming at her out of the blue with a laundry list of questions about her showering and whatnot. Not anything about babysitting a suicidally ideating depressed person so they don’t kill themselves.

    Like, again, I get it. It’s really frustrating to know that someone is at risk and in pain and not be able to directly affect that like you used to. It’s a rough place to be, especially for the first time, but that’s not a neutral ask to make of someone and assuming you meant meeting basic functions is an easy assumption for someone to have made.

    Panel 3: Wait, one sec, she’s only giving her the key now? Like, what was Billie’s initial plan then for Carla? For her to break a major rule by smashing her door down with no reason in the early morning?

    Also, ouch, Carla, pointing out the probably breakup that Billie’s still in denial about. Prolly not going to help with the Billie jealousy, though I totally understand why you did it.

    Panel 4/5: Ah shit, just realized that standing alone, getting yelled at by people she was only trying to help, and being teased for attractions she doesn’t have is probably not an uncommon thing for her. This is probably not nearly as cute for her as it seems from the outside, but actually a painful reminder of being turned on and abandoned and mocked.

    Panel 6: Heh, I’m kinda loving Carla’s dedication to targeted, but not oppressive or violent pranks. No water in a bucket, just stuff to leave a psychological mark that she is not to be fucked with.

    1. LimeSheep

      “Like, what was Billie’s initial plan then for Carla? For her to break a major rule by smashing her door down with no reason in the early morning?”

      well thats how billie would do it, so ;P

      1. Cerberus

        Well, no wonder she got jealous and assumed there was something to Carla trying to take her girl.

    2. Regalli

      Seriously Billie. Also, this means if Ruth is completely spoonless as the previous day’s wearout suggested, that’s one less meal she’s skipping/has to worry about. Staying in the Murder Cave all day is definitely not a good longterm thing for her, but it’s better to have it with food than not at all and I’m worried after all the effort it took her yesterday to perform basic humaning that she might not have.

    3. StClair

      I think Carla is starting to figure out what a pit of quicksand “doing just one thing for Billie and/or Ruth” actually is. And that is really super unfair (to Carla, or anyone in her position).

      1. Regalli

        Absolutely. She signed up for taking some cookies, not suicide watch.

        1. Cerberus

          Yeah, that’s a bit of a massive escalation and kinda a messed up thing to dump on someone. Like, not saying Billie has many better options or that Suicide Watches aren’t useful, but there’s a big difference between volunteering to participate in a suicide watch for a close friend and being volunteered to be the sole suicide watch for a person you’ve talked to maybe 5 times max and who you mostly know via how they’ve tried to use transphobia aimed at you as a tool to beat themselves up.

          Like, she’s empathetic and a worrier, so she’ll do it, but Billie did not at all set this up in a manner where Carla was allowed to make a conscious choice of whether or not to get sucked this deep in other people’s shit.

        2. Regalli

          I mean for all we know Carla might have talked to Ruth during their freshman year but still, not particularly close to her and definitely not prepared for this shit. (Not that Billie was all that better prepared, but at least she knew when she made the sexy lesbian suicide pact what was going on, hence it being a sexy lesbian suicide pact.)

  51. Raen

    Hmm? What’s Carla’s major? My first thought was CS, but the Rube Goldberg device from earlier has me thinking CE is more likely…

    1. Historyman68

      WHY NOT BOTH?

    2. AzaleaRoots

      I think someone said it was a variety of engineering, at some point.

      I doubt it’ll come in to play too much, though. The original intention is that the comic will never reach sophomore year, so they’ll all mostly be in gen eds. That particular statement about the permanent freshman year is no longer in the FAQs, so that might have changed.

      1. DonDueed

        I just hope I live long enough to get to the holiday break. I want to see Joyce (and Becky?) attend church on Christmas Eve. Of course, that may never happen if things go as badly as I fear in the next few in-comic hours.

        1. Willoughby Chase

          I hope my achy-breaky heart will be able to endure that much heart-break!

  52. lia47

    and that’s… punishment?

  53. Some1

    And now for the 2nd Dumbing of Age tournament battle.

    Walky and Danny step into the ring.

    Announcer: And now for our second battle of the evening. Only one of these fighters will be advancing in the tournament!

    Dorothy: Go Walky!

    Joyce: I don’t know who to root for!

    Danny and Walky size each other up. Walky cracks his neck, and starts to run at Danny as fast as he. Danny returns the favor, and they meet in the middle of the ring. Walky and Danny appear to be about even, with neither one given into the others flurry of attacks.

    Walky: You were never this strong before, how did you reach my level?

    Danny: I’ve had some extra training…from your sister!

    Amber: WHAT IMPOSSIBLE!

    Walky: Heh, no wonder you’re able to keep up with me now!

    They both leap back.

    Danny: I have one more trick I was taught by, another girl named Billie…TURN INVISIBLE!

    Walky: but only bisexuals can use that technique! Well that would explain somethings…

    Walky is knocked back to an invisible punch to the stomach. He then taken back by a flurry of invisible attacks.

    Walky: Damn, how do I beat a guy I can’t even see?

    Danny: You can’t….I’ve won this fight!

    Walky stops and closes his eyes…he breathes heavily through his nose.

    Walky: You had tacos for lunch today.

    Danny: How did you know!?

    Walky: I can smell it on you!

    Danny: Damn I forgot about your taco sense…wait has that ever been useful before?

    Walky: Well, if your trying to find a good restaurant….stop distracting me! Point is you can’t hide from me anymore!

    Danny stops being invisible

    Danny: Come on then!

    Walky: ULTIMATE ATTACK…BUTT TACO BEAM!

    Danny: Heh…your already pulling out that one…alright then…ULTIMATE ATTACK…KINSEY’S REVENGE!

    Their two beams: one yellow and brown, with the odd sent of either tacos or butts, and the other being a massive spiral with the numbers 1-6 wrapping around an X in the middle meet.

    Danny: Guess it just comes down to who’s beam is stronger!

    Walky: You really have gotten stronger! But you lose this fight! ‘

    Danny: Why is that:

    Walky: How much energy does that invisibility take? You’ve exerted yourself way more then me so far!

    Danny: Your right, unfortunately for you, I can’t afford to lose this fight! There’s a battle later on I can’t allow to happen!

    Walky: And why should I care?

    Danny: because if you don’t, your sister may die!

    Sal: What is he talking about!

    Amber: Does Danny mean to defeat me!

    Danny: And so…I WILL NOT LOSE THIS FIGHT! SUPER KINSEY’S REVENGE!

    Danny’s attack becomes twice as large overcoming Walky’s attack. Walky doesn’t have a chance to respond before being blasted out of the ring.

    Announcer: and the winner is…Danny Wilcox!

    The next battle is…Roz vs Sarah!

    1. Falling Star

      Can’t wait.
      I’m actually excited.

  54. Ravian

    Christ, I think that Carla might actually be a technological genius. Between her revenge contraption and being able to hack a floor full of phones, it’s a wonder she hasn’t started her own startup company yet.

    Expect great things out of her. Like a line of sentient cars.

    1. Kamino Neko

      If she started her own company, there’d be nobody to take over her parents’ company.

  55. Janine

    Hey now.
    There’s no need for that.
    But I guess…
    We can all use a little change.

  56. Russ

    I asked you to do this thing but didn’t give you the tools to do it! God, are you some kind of idiot??

    1. Cerberus

      Really, it’s Carla’s fault she’s not a mind-reading mutant who can shapeshift through walls.

    2. David M Willis

      Honestly, in my head, I figure Billie has like sixteen keys to Ruth’s door on her at any given time, and she’s just giving Carla another one to kick things along.

      1. Idontcarenomore

        I remember that. Billie had to get a key made every time she thought about it, just in case she lost her’s.

      2. inqntrol

        You can never have too many keys, though if Ruth changes her lock again…those will only be ornaments.

      3. 3-I

        I don’t think it’s just in your head. You established it in dialogue not long ago. c.c

      4. Willoughby Chase

        She’ll always be in-key when All Star is playing?

      5. Russ

        Ah, I remember that Billie has all the keys, but I didn’t know/remember Carla getting one of those. That makes more sense

      6. Slartibeast Button, BIA

        Not 88 keys?

  57. Mr. 5

    SOME

    1. andmangrewproud

      *door flies open* …BODY ONCE TOLD ME….

      1. Disloyal Subject

        Door?

        1. inqntrol

          Now that’s what I call “breakthrough.”

    2. SundaesChild

      Behold, the glory/terror of Mouth Sounds: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4Nm4rhtI5e5p_f8YmH2jk23Zvq_h-UE-

    3. SundaesChild

      https://youtu.be/dQFUA2cr1fw

  58. Mav

    I wonder why Carla has to check on Ruth this way. I mean, if they really didn’t want anyone of authority to know about Ruth’s status, then another student Billie trusts has to do it. Or Billie could do it herself. No fear in checking in on a sick friend. I don’t completely understand the context because I went to a college where people smoked bongs in the open in the quad on summer days. So is their college/university very conservative? Based on what Mary says she knows, I have thoughts:

    – Is Billie/Ruth’s relationship an issue with the school because they are a queer couple, or is it because Ruth is the RA? I know some schools who have strict rules about that, but no one would ever reasonably get expelled over it. And besides, if it’s already over, does it matter at this point? That’s work.

    – I don’t know that Ruth can reasonably detox in her room. more clearly, I don’t know if she can do this completely by herself without any help.

    – Becky staying there might be short term? Until she gets a job or gets her papers together to transfer somewhere else. Would the school understand or give her resources? Also, Ruth can’t get into trouble for something she only has hearsay of. If she’s never seen Becky (actually living on the floor) or signs of Becky, why would she be responsible for it? And like Billie said, it’s all over the news, so the school itself would look terrible for punishing Ruth and kicking Becky out on the curb without helping her at all.

    – Drinking on campus is technically against the rules, but punishing one person would mean punishing most of the student body, which is a lot of work. A lot of paperwork. All the time, Every weekend.

    – Lastly, Mary would still get into trouble for harassing Carla (and everyone else) so much, especially since it’s based on her identity and if she is that disruptive so often. But again, I’m coming from a liberal arts college perspective.

    Poor Carla though. She seems to be constantly sucked into other people’s issues, usually at her expense. How is she supposed to care that much if she doesn’t understand the stakes?

    1. Idontcarenomore

      Carla never has been sucked into other’s issues that I know of, until now.
      Billie bribed her with cookies to take some cookies to Ruth, and ‘check up on her.’. Carla did it for the cookies. That led to ‘keeping an eye on her’.

      Only Billie is truly concerned for Ruth, most of dorm don’t care as afraid of Ruth, they were a pair till Ruth broke it off to keep Billie out of the coming storm if she had to face the main office on Mary’s blackmail charges.

      Mary threated Ruth on her drinking and rooming with Billie. Being the RA, she can not room with one of her dorm girls. And doubt if drinking in dorm would be a good thing either for the RA.

      So Ruth kicked Billie out for both their sakes, let Mary know that slandering Carla for being transgender and for trying to hurt her with stupid glue skate trick would counter her own charges, and was trying to climb out of her depression to face what’s coming.

      Now though it looks like Carla is not the mistantrope she thought she was, and is also showing signs of caring for another person.

      Hoping like Hell that nothing is seriously wrong, but I wonder why Ruth has not stuck her head out the door by now and told them to knock it off.

    2. Dana

      All good points I think, but it’s worth noting that Ruth and Billie have never talked about Ruth getting expelled over their relationship, only fired. That would be less of an overreaction on the part of the administration given that the only rules Ruth is breaking are directly related to her job as RA. From what’s been hinted at about Ruth’s home situation, the savings on room and board she get from the job may be the only thing keeping her able to afford school.

    3. Cerberus

      I think the answers to your questions are:

      1. It’s against the rules because Ruth is the RA, so it’s a conflict of interest for her to be dating and can create an awkward power dynamic that can be exploited not to mention a toxic living situation if a bad breakup were to occur which also adds negative pressure in the relationship.

      Not that the folks downstairs are likely to care that deeply about the situation and the consent implications, but it is still very much discouraged and against the rules and if there was evidence that it was going on, Ruth would probably be removed from the RA position to remove the imbalance of power which would put her in a really bad position with the “sir” who harassed her over the phone in the Billie hides in Ruth’s closet comic.

      They probably wouldn’t care much if it was already over other than to scold Ruth for it. The real danger to her would come in the report which would bring them in and able to investigate other stuff like her alcoholism and violent actions towards her charges which they’d have to take more seriously.

      2. Yeah, she’s making a college go of it, but that’s a hard thing to do in the best of circumstances and she’s already hampered by being blackmailed, having a recent breakup, and being suicidally depressed. Detoxing and remaining functional might be a bigger ask for her than she’s fully capable of right now.

      3. This one’s complicated. She could reasonably claim ignorance (though Mary knowing and insinuating it throws a small monkey wrench in that plan) and it wouldn’t really be her fault if this slips through the cracks.

      However, again, if she gets investigated for something like that she could get scolded for “not being aware of what’s happening on your floor” and that could get her in more trouble if paired with things like her drinking problem or other complaints made against her by a vindictive Mary.

      Overall, Becky would be screwed either way if it was reported as there is no way the school would allow a non-student to live for free on their school grounds (simply due to the liability concerns if nothing else) and would definitely throw her out, but a popular queer teacher with personal experiences being homeless could make some waves for them to at least reach out to local queer organizations to find a way to get her housing.

      There’s also an outside chance that they’d place her in a non-student campus housing (like the houses they sometimes have for visiting teachers or for grad students) for the good press it would bring especially in the wake of the shooting making at least State news.

      4. Yeah, they’re not going to go out of their way to bust someone drinking, but if they see it they’ll still bust it. That’s pretty much how it worked when I went to college. Keep it up in the rooms, get no noise complaints, we’ll turn a blind eye. Carry a bottle outside or get the RA knocked up over your party and all of you are at least getting a nastily worded warning.

      Ruth being an RA would be held to an even higher standard than that as she is supposed to be crisis response for the freshmen and so violating any school rule would be cause for immediate termination of her position, which again, would fuck her pretty badly.

      5. Could go several ways. Yes, Mary could be in a shitstorm if she pressed her threat and Mary’d all over it revealing her bias and hatred towards queer women and her acts of transphobic and homophobic harassment towards other students.

      But the powers that be are also unlikely to actually care about harassment policy unless someone makes a stink about it (Ruth would have, but then Mary is blackmailing her to prevent that at the moment). From personal experience mentoring trans college kids, a lot of times the college response to transphobic bullying from roommates and floormates is “tough, deal” or radio silence.

      Certainly Carla does not expect anything from the official channels and has hinted that she’s been burned before trying to reach out to higher ups about the transphobic abuse she’s faced.

      6. Yup, Carla’s in a rough place cause she has no idea exactly what she’s supposed to be doing or what the real situation is. She’s trying the best she can, but she’s definitely been given a tough task and expected to navigate it perfectly first try.

    4. Random832

      I think the assumption, last time this came up, is that Ruth would simply lose her position as RA, which comes with money she needs in order to continue attending college.

  59. Owlmirror

    The visuals associated with “All-Star” that naturally come to my own memory are from Shrek. And then I started thinking of character mappings.

    Since Ruthless is obviously the big scary ogre, I guess Billie is Princes Fiona. The path of least resistance suggests that Carla is Donkey (a little bit jackass, but a lot more kickass).

    Mary is Lord Farquaad (although that would imply she wants Billie for herself, which is just . . . no)

    And I guess . . . Malaya? . . . is Dragon? (going by Shortpackedverse relationships). Or maybe Carla is Dragon and Malaya is Donkey?

    OK, that’s kinda strained. But it’s Willis’ fault for using All-Star.

    1. David M Willis

      i don’t see why we’re not mapping it to rat race

      1. David M Willis

        i mean, like, sure, a lot of movies had “all star” in them, but how many movies ended with the cast singing the song WITH smashmouth ON STAGE, like

        1. merbrat

          Forgot about Shrek. I remember it from Mystery Men!

        2. Marie

          this would also be a fun cast to place them in.

        3. Apostate

          Willis I agree with you on that one 100%, the sudden Smash Mouth concert was the perfect way to end that movie and was super memorable.

        4. A

          Because what the hell is Rat Race?

        5. Maveric1984

          A modern telling of “It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World”

        6. A

          What the hell is that?

        7. foamy

          It’s a race! Mr. Bean is winning.

      2. Owlmirror

        Via Boxofficemojo:


                               Total Lifetime Grosses

                       Domestic:  +   Foreign:     = Worldwide:
        Shrek:        $267,665,011   $216,744,207   $484,409,218
        Rat Race:      $56,618,055    $28,880,479    $85,498,534
        Mystery Men:   $29,762,011     $3,699,000    $33,461,011

        (Financials are not intended as any claim to quality ranking, just a proxy for popularity)

        Also, “All-Star” is the song that Shrek begins with, so it’s more readily associated with the film during television broadcasts — even if you think “Meh, I’ve seen this already” and change the channel after the song starts.

        Also, I have seen Rat Race exactly 0 times. I will try and remedy that at some point.

        1. Owlmirror

          (*snarls at wrapping ruining my beautiful and carefully crafted table*)

        2. David M Willis

          rat race is an okay movie, by which i mean i owned it on dvd when i was like 20

          WOULD I STILL LIKE IT WHEN I AM THIRTY-SEVEN????

          who knows

    2. Reltzik

      This can only be settled by fanart, with all the casts from all these movies represented/adapted.

      1. Reltzik

        …. you know, by someone more talented and less lazy than me.

  60. Cthulhu's Intern

    You better check yourself before you Shrek yourself, Rachel.

  61. Dana

    Is it early enough in the day for bed head? Otherwise Billie’s not looking so hot either.

  62. newllend(henryvolt)

    Now I sympathize with Carla this is bullshit

  63. Catapostrophe

    Hey Ruth, are you in there
    Are you feelin’ OK?
    Hey Ruth, gonna come out?
    Brought some food and OJ!

    This food’s gonna get cold
    (Not like I care–just doin’ what I’m told)

    1. Falling Star

      (wild applause)

    2. Roborat

      Kermit flail from me

    3. StClair

      Nice!

      (though I confess my first try was to set it to “Do You Wanna Hide a Body Build a Snowman?”)

  64. FirePrincessLily

    Don’t do it Carla! You’ll damn us all!

  65. Lyssie

    Panel 3 is setting off my dramatic irony sensors. I’m worried now.

  66. JoyceParty

    Don’t dreeeeam iiiit’s oooooverrrr

  67. Willoughby Chase

    I wanna be your dog!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJIqnXTqg8I

    P.S. How have I missed the genius of stage, screen and vinyl that is All Star and Smash Mouth!

  68. Björn

    Rachel’s teasing disturbs me, since Walkyverse Rachel is Carla’s mother.

    1. 3-I

      … Oh shit, yeah, that’s… huh.

      I wonder who the Ruttens are in this universe.

  69. Falling Star

    Isn’t All Star taking things a bit too far?

    1. Falling Star

      jk it’s awesome

  70. Joe

    I don’t understand why Carla is doing something *wonderful* in 5 minutes.

  71. Mistah J

    Smash Mouth’s Astro Lounge is one of my favourite albums. Ever.
    There, I said it and I don’t care!

    (..but yes, All Star was overplayed. Almost all the other songs were way better).

  72. thestarryskye

    Aw, c’mon Billie, you’re being unfair. 🙁

    1. Spencer

      pff what makes you say that

      like billie could ever be irrational about something

  73. steelplatedheart

    So, it’s only just occurred to me that there’s a lot more to this exchange than first glance.

    Freaking everybody jumps to the assumption that Carla is hitting on Ruth. Literally no one (except for Mary) assumed that about Billie.

    Carla is trans. She’s an easy target for rumors of lesbianism. I have heard a lot of people who didn’t know better assumed that being trans automatically makes you gay.

    Meanwhile, Billie, the former cheerleader, couldn’t possibly be gay because cheerleaders aren’t gay so there.

    Every kind gesture Carla performs is brought under question, but none of Billie’s are. The fact that Billie gave Carla that key isn’t really noticed.

    Furthermore, it’s a joke. With Billie and Ruth it wouldn’t have been a joke and Ruth would have been the target (we’ve seen this) but Carla’s identity makes her the subject of this kind of harassment – no one really seems to mean it because it’s “Ruthless” but it’s an easy thing to tease an already queer kid about.

    Everything about this floor is fucked up.

    1. Heavensrun

      “Meanwhile, Billie, the former cheerleader, couldn’t possibly be gay because cheerleaders aren’t gay so there.”

      . . . I’m trying hard not to just bust out laughing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a fictional representation of a cheer squad where one of them wasn’t obviously in the closet.

      i also kinda disagree with…much of that?

      A) Nobody ever saw Billie doing nice things for Ruth, they saw Ruth and Billie fighting like cats and dogs constantly and on more than one occasion literally coming to blows. Whereas Carla is unsolicitedly bringing Ruth breakfast and leaving it on the floor outside her door.

      B) Carla deliberately cultivates a reputation of being a bit of an ass. Carla being nice (which she actually genuinely is) runs contrary to the rep she tries to build for herself, so it’s easy to tease her about it.

      C) If anybody on the floor saw Billie being nice to Ruth, she would probably not hear the end of it. Doubly so if they saw Ruth being nice to Billie, because Ruth has made such a public show of hating Billie, the floor would honestly EXPLODE with gossip if people realized they were actually sweet on each other, and Ruth’s fearsome rep would disintegrate rapidly.

      1. Heavensrun

        (I mean, I’m not trying to minimize actual discrimination against trans people, I just don’t really see the logic behind your points here. I’m pretty sure this would’ve gone down exactly the same if Carla was a cis girl.)

        1. Gamaran Sepudomyn

          The fact that many people often assume that trans people can’t be gay actually means that this scenario would probably have been more likely to happen if Carla was cis.

  74. Prinnyramza

    So now everyone thinks Carla is crushing on Ruth. How is Billie x Ruth an issue and this isn’t? Is it because they think the false attraction is one sided? I don’t get it.

    1. Nono

      Because it’s Carla crushing on Ruth and Ruth not reciprocating. There isn’t an abuse of power yet.

    2. Spencer

      Even if the dorm found out about Billie and Ruth, chances are none of them would actually care. It’s Ruth’s bosses who’d take issue.

    3. Heavensrun

      Also Carla crushing on Ruth and even Ruth and Carla dating is one thing. Ruth and Carla fucking while blitzed out on Jack Daniels while discipline on the floor falls to crap would probably be a dicier situation for Ruth.

  75. Ardin

    I don’t… get any of the jokes here. What’s with 5 minutes? What’s with everyone setting their ringtone to All Star?

    1. Emperor Norton II

      Carla is an engineering major, who somehow knows how to hack phones (either directly, or she can call someone at Ruttech who does). So she will be able to change everybody’s ringtones, and apparently in a matter of minutes too.

      All Star is apparently one of those songs that are annoying -and- will settle into your brain and drive you nuts. Or at least so I assume. I have not heard it. I just know how these things go.

      1. Tenn

        If that is the full explanation, that punchline is hella contrived.

      2. Ardin

        What. How was I supposed to know that. Was it ever estabilished that she’s in engineering? Also what is Ruttech.

        Engineering courses (around here at least) are usually complete sausage fests and girls are like some odd rarities. So. My deepest condolences to her coursemates.

        1. Dara

          Yes, it has been mentioned a couple of times that she’s in engineering, though I think mostly in comments. Ruttech has been described in-strip as being a major technology company that people know, similarly perhaps to Samsung? Not quite Apple. Possibly the DoA-verse’s Stark Technologies, in that there’s still a lot of founding-group ownership and control.

      3. Ardin

        Also the phone hacking, when was that mentioned?

        1. Heavensrun

          It has been mentioned that per parents are rich and in the tech industry, and Carla has demonstrated on-panel that she builds things and knows her way around lasers. What she is doing here is threatening to do something that she may or may not actually be able to do.

  76. Charles Phipps

    Honestly, it’s questionable whether Ruth’s bosses would care about the relationship as a certain Ginger Brit said. The problem is no one likes Ruth and she’s done a lot of other terrible stuff as well as is in no shape to actually BE R.A.

  77. Keulan

    All Star is a punishment? I’ve always liked that song.

  78. Hydrargentium

    As far as I’m concerned, we should all get together and declare June 22 as “All Star Day”, and collectively change our ringtones to “All Star” for the whole day, every June 22.

    What say ye all?

    Hg

    1. Bicycle Bill

      No.

  79. RashRaikou

    I used to really dislike Carla, but she’s beginning to grow on me. Not that Jocelyne isn’t my favorite representation 😉

  80. Jacques Cornelius Parrot III

    My personal favorite version of such a timeless classic

    1. Jacques Cornelius Parrot III

      Although this one is pretty great too

  81. Heavensrun

    But….But I -like- that song…

  82. Erik

    Is it just me, or does this dude look suspiciously like Toedad?

  83. Woobie

    When Billie wants subtle and low-key, naturally she thinks “Carla!”.

  84. ianmorris

    somebody once told me…

    1. David M Willis

      when i was in knee-pants

  85. Batman

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KOutOgJj7s

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