“I’d like to stand up for the rights of people who put everything on their burger — chutney, mustard, pickle, mustard pickle, tomato sauce… It is common knowledge in my family that I can’t tell the difference between a veggie burger and a meat one, because the ratio of burger to pickles is so high.”
Raye J
Terry Pratchett also invented the word “Autocondimenter” One who will, upon receiving their meal, will instantly put salt, pepper ketchup, mustard, what-have you, on it regardless of how it tastes and how much is already on it.
Ocksgrough
Nah, that’d be somewhat who will, upon receiving their meal, instantly dump salt, pepper, ketchup, mustard, and what-have-you… on their self.
Annie
I am so bad about that! I will instantly add salt to my food and ketchup either on it or on the side without even thinking about it. I’ve inadvertently insulted many friends and family that way.
I think it’s a habit from childhood. I’ve never been a fan of most meats, especially beef, but as a kid saying “I don’t like hamburger/meatloaf/pot roast/brisket” didn’t fly. So I’d drown it in ketchup or gravy and salt til I couldn’t taste it anymore just to get enough down that I could be excused.
Now, even at 30 years old, I still do that, even to foods I like.
I can do Ketchup/BBQ, any meat really, and onions. I can’t stand anything else. Sucks that all burgers essentially come standard with lettuce tomatoes and pickles, capitalism you failed me.
If you want to get whatever you want on your burgers. go to a Wendy’s (at least in America). They have a reputation to uphold regarding condiments. If you don’t want cheese though, you have to specify “no cheese”. That particular tic is why I only get McNuggets at McDonald’s.
Depends on what I’m in the mood for. I keep everything from brown and yellow mustards to Sriracha sauce along with the standard mayo and ketchup for the wet works, plus lettuce, pickles, and both raw and grilled onions for the salad. I also sometimes use cheese and bacon in any combination. My favorite is yellow mustard, ketchup, light lettuce heavy pickle with grilled onion and cheese. I have to be in the mood but another good combination is Sriracha, heavy lettuce, light pickle, raw onion, and plain meat. That will clear out the sinuses.
I actually ask that they not put any condiments on my burger. I then proceed to squirt some ketchup on the plate, dip it in that, then squeeze mayo and mustard on top.
Hey, it works.
And no salad. I’m eating meat, I’m not a goddamn rabbit.
I’m pretty okay with condiments. I know what I like and will ask for it (lettuce tomato pickle mustard, NO cheese), but I am long past the picky eater stage and will just take it.
I didn’t know what they were as a kid. I knew I hated onions but I liked the white crunchy things they mixed with the ketchup and the mustard if I forgot to ask for ketchup only. Never connected that the white crunchy things were onions, because onions were gross and the crunchy things were good. I guess Joyce thinks like me XDD
If what I’ve learned in Religion class is to correct, the whole “don’t eat pork” originally existed purely for health reasons. Islam and Judaism came to existence in a very hot climate where pork spoils very quickly.
Over time people forgot the original reasons for the ban on pork and just didn’t eat any because “it’s said so”. There also existed another reason for circumcsion once, besides “it’s tradition”.
Leorale
That is one theory! Nobody knows for sure.
A similar theory for the ban on shellfish: early Jews were next to a couple fishing cultures, who ate plenty of shellfish — having to eat separately helped prevent cultural assimilation.
(This one also makes sense of the weird specificity of “a calf boiled in it’s mother’s milk”. It could be that this was a specific popular Hittite dish or something. I <3 wild biblical speculation.)
Yeah, a lot of research points toward pigs being the sacrificial animal for another god, tattoos and bodily shaving being ways people marked themselves in a different religion, etc.
Khyrin
I think it was for hygiene. fewer crevesaes for stuff to accululate.
Bill
And I thought that it might have been something to do with a rudimentary health and sanitation code. Pigs, even recently, were known to carry diseases such as trichinosis which could be passed on to humans when they consumed improperly cooked pork. Perhaps the early tribes of Israel had somehow observed this and when they created the code of laws they made pigs ritually unclean for this reason.
Roborat
Yea, that was my take as well, same for the shellfish ban, for health reasons.
Ancestral Hamster
“A wonderful magical animal!”
Prefer seafood, but if it has to be a land animal, then the pig. Preferably as either a BBQ rack of ribs, or as bacon. Although a frenched rack of lamb (imported from New Zealand) is also welcome.
David
You are aware that God made people out of meat, too? So what’s your rationale about that? It’s supposed not to be too far off pig’s meat as well: the similarities make pigs popular for biotechnology. Not that I find the “pigs are intended as replacement material” theory much more tasteful than “pigs, like humans, are divinely intended to be eaten”.
Jerden
Anyone want to join my new buffet/religious denomination – “I God didn’t want us to eat it, why is it made of meat?”
I think I’d start off with the sane things, like kangaroo steak, and locusts (not together, you heathens!), later move on to meats like snake and spider.
Sure, it would probably cumulate in a cannibalistic suicide pact, but what cult doesn’t?
John
I had rattlesnake-sausage pizza once. It tasted like, well, sausage.
Kosher is a relative thing. I once dated a Jewish girl and I still remember the night we spent having veggie pizza — and chicken wings — in her motel room while watching “The Hogfather” on her laptop. She rationalized it by saying that because chickens are not mammals and do not give milk there is no way we could be violating the law about “seething a kid in its mother’s milk”.
By all the gods (small one and otherwise), I miss her!!!
But if the rule specifies an calf in its mother’s milk, then a cheeseburger should be OK, because it’s an adult cow and almost certainly unrelated to the cow the cheese came from.
218 thoughts on “Onions”
PieLord
That third panel is fucking adorable.
Leorale
The rare and super-cute Optimistic Sarah!
Shadow12000
It needs to be a gravitar.
garaden
>:(
garaden
Dammit, forgot what my own gravatar looked like!
:-/
Jordan
I know! She is so freaking adorable when she’s happy 🙂
Geminia999
Got to say, that’s a pretty background willis, good job.
rachel
yeah dude that is gorgeous.
GoogerGeiger
The flowers remind me of ketchup and mustard. I dunno why.
Charlie Spencer
And ‘Merican cheese and onions.
Salmo
My brother has a massive condiment aversion. Just meat and bun. NOTHING ELSE.
Plasma Mongoose
I will add hot sauce and black and white pepper but I will not add any salad, egg or bacon to my burger the way many Aussies prefer to do.
Ancestral Hamster
Excuse me, “salad”? As in garden salad or is that slang for lettuce and tomato?
Plasma Mongoose
The latter.
Ancestral Hamster
Okay, thanks.
Flimsy
I’m not gonna judge, but egg on a burger = instant alcohol soaker. This kills the hangover quite well.
MrMyerst
aye, Flimsey.
that said, (I swear) anything greasy does it- my preferred method is bacon.
Just bacon.
(and lots of water)
That said, hangovers are kinda subjective…
Dean
It’s important that the yolk isn’t runny, for obvious reasons.
Maveric1984
It’s also fucking delicious when not hung over
fogel
Beet root!!!
Daibhid C
I favour the Terry Pratchett method:
“I’d like to stand up for the rights of people who put everything on their burger — chutney, mustard, pickle, mustard pickle, tomato sauce… It is common knowledge in my family that I can’t tell the difference between a veggie burger and a meat one, because the ratio of burger to pickles is so high.”
Raye J
Terry Pratchett also invented the word “Autocondimenter” One who will, upon receiving their meal, will instantly put salt, pepper ketchup, mustard, what-have you, on it regardless of how it tastes and how much is already on it.
Ocksgrough
Nah, that’d be somewhat who will, upon receiving their meal, instantly dump salt, pepper, ketchup, mustard, and what-have-you… on their self.
Annie
I am so bad about that! I will instantly add salt to my food and ketchup either on it or on the side without even thinking about it. I’ve inadvertently insulted many friends and family that way.
I think it’s a habit from childhood. I’ve never been a fan of most meats, especially beef, but as a kid saying “I don’t like hamburger/meatloaf/pot roast/brisket” didn’t fly. So I’d drown it in ketchup or gravy and salt til I couldn’t taste it anymore just to get enough down that I could be excused.
Now, even at 30 years old, I still do that, even to foods I like.
Good to know there’s a word for folks like me. 😉
Ocksgrough
Yep! Hot sauce, pepper, or nothing on burgers.
Geminia999
I can do Ketchup/BBQ, any meat really, and onions. I can’t stand anything else. Sucks that all burgers essentially come standard with lettuce tomatoes and pickles, capitalism you failed me.
No Name
If you want to get whatever you want on your burgers. go to a Wendy’s (at least in America). They have a reputation to uphold regarding condiments. If you don’t want cheese though, you have to specify “no cheese”. That particular tic is why I only get McNuggets at McDonald’s.
Hoboturtle
Condiments are gross. Especially when they crust over on bottle. Ketchup is even worst.
It smells and sounds like farts when it is squeezed out of the bottle.
Jason
“worse”!!!
Doctor_Who
My preferred burger toppings are lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, and grilled mushrooms.
Preferably from Five Guys, because any restaurant that sells fries and doesn’t offer malt vinegar for them are heathens and must be cleansed.
Lokitsu
Malt vinegar on fries. Mmmmm…
Now I want to go to five guys and it’s midnight.
Dr Who, you bastard.
JaneDoe
Well, maybe he’ll give you a ride in his TARDIS so you don’t have to wait for Five Guys to open.
Pope William T Wodium
Thanks, now it’s three in the morning and I want Five Guys. Not all of us can use superior technology to circumvent restaurant closing times. Jerk.
StClair
mm, 5G.
(all the way, no onions)
Opus the Poet
Depends on what I’m in the mood for. I keep everything from brown and yellow mustards to Sriracha sauce along with the standard mayo and ketchup for the wet works, plus lettuce, pickles, and both raw and grilled onions for the salad. I also sometimes use cheese and bacon in any combination. My favorite is yellow mustard, ketchup, light lettuce heavy pickle with grilled onion and cheese. I have to be in the mood but another good combination is Sriracha, heavy lettuce, light pickle, raw onion, and plain meat. That will clear out the sinuses.
Foxhack
I actually ask that they not put any condiments on my burger. I then proceed to squirt some ketchup on the plate, dip it in that, then squeeze mayo and mustard on top.
Hey, it works.
And no salad. I’m eating meat, I’m not a goddamn rabbit.
teddydragon
That…sounds…interesting.
dethtoll
I’m that way. And I only eat chicken sandwiches.
SOMETIMES I’ll add a bit of mayo. Enhances the taste if you don’t use too much.
Raye J
I have a pretty huge condiment aversion myself. But if I’m going to have a burger, it must be a cheeseburger.
No Name
I’m pretty okay with condiments. I know what I like and will ask for it (lettuce tomato pickle mustard, NO cheese), but I am long past the picky eater stage and will just take it.
Doctor_Who
So what did she think they were…?
Ragnal
That’s what I was gonna ask, but yes, an answer would be great.
Marisa Mockery
I didn’t know what they were as a kid. I knew I hated onions but I liked the white crunchy things they mixed with the ketchup and the mustard if I forgot to ask for ketchup only. Never connected that the white crunchy things were onions, because onions were gross and the crunchy things were good. I guess Joyce thinks like me XDD
JustCheetoDust
Flavor crystals?
Coru
MSG
-Sentinel-
How about you also tell him about yourself, Sarah?
Yotomoe
Sarah’s depressing. Joyce is hilarious.
teddydragon
I wonder what’ll happen when they get to that subject…
Ridureyu
Cheeseburgers are not kosher.
John
Especially bacon cheeseburgers.
Toss on some kosher dill slices for the irony.
Yotomoe
If an Orthadox Jew touched a Mcdonald’s Bacon Cheeseburger it’d burn their skin.
Opus the Poet
No, they would just be unclean for 28 days. It would be a Muslim that would burst into flames.
JustCheetoDust
Mmmm…bacon.
We eat the pig and then together we burn.
Lokitsu
I don’t know what God has against pigs. If didn’t want us to eat them he shouldn’t have made them out of bacon.
Drunken Nordmann
If what I’ve learned in Religion class is to correct, the whole “don’t eat pork” originally existed purely for health reasons. Islam and Judaism came to existence in a very hot climate where pork spoils very quickly.
Over time people forgot the original reasons for the ban on pork and just didn’t eat any because “it’s said so”. There also existed another reason for circumcsion once, besides “it’s tradition”.
Leorale
That is one theory! Nobody knows for sure.
A similar theory for the ban on shellfish: early Jews were next to a couple fishing cultures, who ate plenty of shellfish — having to eat separately helped prevent cultural assimilation.
(This one also makes sense of the weird specificity of “a calf boiled in it’s mother’s milk”. It could be that this was a specific popular Hittite dish or something. I <3 wild biblical speculation.)
Brigid Keely
Yeah, a lot of research points toward pigs being the sacrificial animal for another god, tattoos and bodily shaving being ways people marked themselves in a different religion, etc.
Khyrin
I think it was for hygiene. fewer crevesaes for stuff to accululate.
Bill
And I thought that it might have been something to do with a rudimentary health and sanitation code. Pigs, even recently, were known to carry diseases such as trichinosis which could be passed on to humans when they consumed improperly cooked pork. Perhaps the early tribes of Israel had somehow observed this and when they created the code of laws they made pigs ritually unclean for this reason.
Roborat
Yea, that was my take as well, same for the shellfish ban, for health reasons.
Ancestral Hamster
“A wonderful magical animal!”
Prefer seafood, but if it has to be a land animal, then the pig. Preferably as either a BBQ rack of ribs, or as bacon. Although a frenched rack of lamb (imported from New Zealand) is also welcome.
David
You are aware that God made people out of meat, too? So what’s your rationale about that? It’s supposed not to be too far off pig’s meat as well: the similarities make pigs popular for biotechnology. Not that I find the “pigs are intended as replacement material” theory much more tasteful than “pigs, like humans, are divinely intended to be eaten”.
Jerden
Anyone want to join my new buffet/religious denomination – “I God didn’t want us to eat it, why is it made of meat?”
I think I’d start off with the sane things, like kangaroo steak, and locusts (not together, you heathens!), later move on to meats like snake and spider.
Sure, it would probably cumulate in a cannibalistic suicide pact, but what cult doesn’t?
John
I had rattlesnake-sausage pizza once. It tasted like, well, sausage.
Bill
Kosher is a relative thing. I once dated a Jewish girl and I still remember the night we spent having veggie pizza — and chicken wings — in her motel room while watching “The Hogfather” on her laptop. She rationalized it by saying that because chickens are not mammals and do not give milk there is no way we could be violating the law about “seething a kid in its mother’s milk”.
By all the gods (small one and otherwise), I miss her!!!
B
But if the rule specifies an calf in its mother’s milk, then a cheeseburger should be OK, because it’s an adult cow and almost certainly unrelated to the cow the cheese came from.
Opus the Poet
You missed out on the one banning mixing meat and dairy in the same meal didn’t you?
John
I dated a Jewish girl once who consumed bacon like a voracious bacon-consuming machine. I think I know more Jews who don’t keep kosher than who do.
newllend
What does Joyce have against onions?
timemonkey
Onions are the seed of the Devil! You can taste the evil.
Doctor_Who