there’s a song in Russian that goes like this:
“I do not drink!” “Yes you do!” “By god I don’t!” “There’s no god!”
like okay I don’t approve of the basic idea of the song – pushing a female student to socially drink… although there’s a part of our culture where female students are supposed to have it together better than boys, behave better and yes, not drink, so this is intended as a song of freedom, not coercion… ANYWAY the lyric is beautiful and hilarious, so there <3
(the phrase "there's no god" is a soviet cliche, and the song originates from that era) (the joke is not a believer clashing with atheists, Everyone Is Atheist In Soviet Union, it's a turn of phrase being interpreted literally)
Any time anyone says “For God’s sake” or “Good Lord”, my father says “I’m fairly sure he has nothing to do with it”. He’s been doing this my whole life, and somehow it still makes me snicker. Even when he does it at me.
thebombzen
For me the dad joke was, responding to “Oh my god” with “Yes?”
He also likes responded to “Jesus” with “My son’s not in, may I take a message?”
one time i joined a ex-believers group and for the first month all i could swear was variations on “god”, featuring “oh my god”, “lordy”, “good lord”, et cetera
IDK it was weird because suddenly….you had that freedom
I just consider “Thank God” as the sanitised, socially acceptable version of my usual “Thank Fuck!” Kind of the way my mother says “sugar”, instead of “Shit!” when she has non family company.
HOW DARE YOU CHALLENGE MY UNTESTED WORLD VIEWS AND MAKE ME LEARN STUFF
and on a WEEKEND
Hellespont
Jesus H Fucking Jehoshaphat Christ, it’s the weekend???
Delicious Taffy
It’s always the weekend, around here.
Deanatay
weekends are meaningless when you’re unemployed
Delicious Taffy
High-five, buddy!
Betty Anne
You forgot that he’s on a stick. (Or isn’t he on a stick where you live? I had to quit saying “Jesus Christ on a stick!” or “Christ on a stick!” when I went to uni, because it was offending non-locals. ^^; )
thejeff
I’ve heard pogo stick, if anyone still remembers what those are.
Or “Christ on a cross.”
“Jumping Jesus H. K. Christ tap dancing in side-car with his black bastard brother Harry.”
There was also something about “chocolate jimmies and a lobster bib”, but I forget how it fit in. 🙂
I use “Christ
zoomer296
There’s also “Christ on a cracker” and the ever-famous “Jesus rollerblading Christ”.
Whirlwitch
I remember “Christ on a pony”, which I once tried to say and accidentally switched to “Christ on a potty”, which was funnier.
Schol-R-LEA
Yeah… on that… a lot of people in the West don’t really get that ‘Allahu Akbar” (“God is Great”), while sometimes used as a statement of faith, is more of a general-purpose cuss phrase in most Arabic speaking countries (and non-Arabic speaking countries with large Islamic populations such as Indonesia, India, or even the Philippines, where even some of the non-Muslims use it). It could mean anything from, “Wow, did you see that?” to “Owww you dropped that on my foot, that fucking hurts, be more careful you dumbass!” to “OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT THAT DRUNK DRIVER JUST DROVE INTO THE GAS STATION PUMPS WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE RUN!!!!”. It doesn’t take a lot of research to figure that out, but not many people in the US (and I gather in Europe as well) bother.
Leorale
An all-purpose interjection, like how Americans use “Jesus Christ”!
I’m trying to think of a Jewish equivalent, too, but ‘Oy vey’ (and variations) are only for things that are upsetting. Perhaps we like making our interjections more specific.
I haven’t believed in any god for almost 18 years, and I still say it. It really is just a turn of phrase.
Though I’ll occasionally mix it up if I’m feeling facetious and say things like “Thank the gods” or something. My personal favorite, for expression exasperation or frustration, is “Jesus, Horus, and Thor!”
As a Red Dwarf fan, “Holy Smeg!” has entered my parlance. As did “Jovis Grudd” via Judge Dredd.
Abel Undercity
Mother of Grodd, what in Zod’s name is going on around here?!
Hellespont
*Fist bump*
Kinoko
Battlestar Galactica and “frack” for me.
Though my parents used to watch a lot of Red Dwarf when it was first airing, and so for a while I thought “smeg” was a real word.
Songbird
“Smeg” IS a real word. If I remember correctly, it’s a shortened slang form of “smegma,” which is the Greek word for the secretion of oils and fluids in the folds of skin, specifically within a man’s foreskin. Basically, whenever Lister would call someone “smeg-head,” he’s basically calling them “dickhead.”
*insert “The More You Know” music and star here*
Hellespont
Smeg is also the name of a huge international appliance manufacturer. My Mum’s kitchen is literally full of Smeg.
El Chupacabre
I feel weird swearing by gods I don’t believe in. I worry I’m being disrespectfull. My favorites replace the word god with fuck. “What in the sweet light of fuck?!”
“Sweet mother of fuckery”
“Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they’d seen the need for gods as the sort of supernatural equivalent of a hard hat. Besides, when you hit your thumb with an eight-pound hammer it’s nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, “Oh, random-fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!” or “Aaargh, primitive-and-outmoded-concept on a crutch!”
-Terry Pratchett, Men-At-Arms.
Daibhid C
Beaten to the Obligatory Discworld Reference. Damn it.
Or random-bad-luck-that-doesn’t-prove-anything it.
I still say things like “Jesus Christ!” and “Holy God!” sometimes, even though I have been calling myself a Discordian-Finaglist (because appropriating fictional/humorous religions is like eating Pringles) sine 1992.
I’m just very surprised that anyone would ever think think “thank god” is a religious phrase. Maybe it’s a regional thing, but that sort of usage is entirely secular in my experience.
It’s like making fun of a Christian for saying “thank my lucky stars” or a similar turn-of-phrase which has to etymologically be pagan.
Growing up in my family, it /was/ religious. My mother and grandmother were literally thanking their deity for guiding them to their misplaced keys or delaying that traffic light just long enough for them to get through. The one time I ever heard either of them say “god damn you” it was incredibly shocking because I knew to them, the phrase literally meant they were indicating the person was completely beyond salvation– in a religion where the only requirement to receive salvation is apologizing and saying thanks for forgiving me.
Gaypron, as in gay-apron, or gaypron, as in gay-pr0n? You decide!
Reltzik
Rule 34, yo.
IT CAN BE BOTH!
dn3s
“gape ron”
Mr D
I ust had the worst harry potter related image in my brain.
WHERE’S THE BRAIN BLEACH
Delicious Taffy
Who needs brain bleach when you can just Obliviate yourself?
Schol-R-LEA
Trust me, unless you have been reading some of the Harron (or worse, Snarron or Lupron shudder</b?) shipper fanfics, of the more explicit and bizarre sorts (which are often the same given how many seem to be written by girls who have never seen the male anatomy), then there probably s worse. Much worse.
You really don’t want to know, but I assure you, some of it makes Enoby Dementtia Ravens WayTara Gilesbie look like Shakespeare in comparison, while also making <50 Shades of Gray look like an treatise on the joys of chastity.
Schol-R-LEA
Hopefully, the mod will be able to fix the mangled markup there. Sorry about that.
Also, just to give you some small idea of how bad it gets: back when Livejournal was a thing (other than a punchline), there were groups such as Deleterius which were devoted to ‘badfic sporking’, basically giving awful fanfics the MST3K treatment (I imagine that this still happens in places like fanfiction.net, but I haven’t looked). It was a pretty cruel thing that I have some regrets about now, but at the time it seemed funny, and occasionally one of the targets would get over themselves enough to listen to our criticisms and take them to heart (are you hearing this, Steam Greenlight Developers?)
I recall at least two different HP fics in which one of the characters – Ron in one, I think the other was Lupin or Sirius but I forget) – tries to cheer Harry up – by sneaking into bed with him and raping him. All without a single word said between them in either case. You know, because sex makes people happy, and who needs to explain themselves when they are sticking it in an underaged boy, right?
And those were far from the worst I’d seen in those groups. Sweet Mother Eris, it got far worse than that.
OTOH, some of the sporkings were tremendously funny and on target. I recall one story in which the punctuation was almost entirely missing (a common problem in fanfics which haven’t been proofread by a beta reader). I snarked that if she keeps missing periods like that, she should talk to a doctor… to which one of the regulars replied with something like, “Oh, go easy on her, she’s just too young to have punctuation yet!” Good times. Terrible fanfics, but good times nonetheless.
merbrat
*giggle-snort*
zoelogical
i thought ron was exclusively a death eater. i am intrigued
Froot Loops make absolutely horrible baking material. I can’t get them to not blend into a homogeneous much.
Mollyscribbles
Maybe if you made a variant of rice krispie squares with them?
StClair
Basically, you need to think of stuff like that as a garnish, not the base material.
Delicious Taffy
Rice Krispie squares work because the cereal is unsweetened and consists of very small pieces. Froot Loops are rough, large, and very sweet. The only way around the size is to crush them, at which point you’ve defeated the purpose of using them in the first place.
380 thoughts on “Caress”
Ana Chronistic
I get super annoyed at my definitely nontheist BF’s “thank God”s all the muffin-effin’ time
though I love the idea of a Becky-styled journalist =D I MEAN WHY NOT IN TRUMP’S AMERICA
Schpoonman
My roommate always tells me “God isn’t real,” whenever I say “Goddammit.” We like to riff on it.
Liliet
there’s a song in Russian that goes like this:
“I do not drink!” “Yes you do!” “By god I don’t!” “There’s no god!”
like okay I don’t approve of the basic idea of the song – pushing a female student to socially drink… although there’s a part of our culture where female students are supposed to have it together better than boys, behave better and yes, not drink, so this is intended as a song of freedom, not coercion… ANYWAY the lyric is beautiful and hilarious, so there <3
(the phrase "there's no god" is a soviet cliche, and the song originates from that era) (the joke is not a believer clashing with atheists, Everyone Is Atheist In Soviet Union, it's a turn of phrase being interpreted literally)
Sorrischian
Any time anyone says “For God’s sake” or “Good Lord”, my father says “I’m fairly sure he has nothing to do with it”. He’s been doing this my whole life, and somehow it still makes me snicker. Even when he does it at me.
thebombzen
For me the dad joke was, responding to “Oh my god” with “Yes?”
He also likes responded to “Jesus” with “My son’s not in, may I take a message?”
zoelogical
one time i joined a ex-believers group and for the first month all i could swear was variations on “god”, featuring “oh my god”, “lordy”, “good lord”, et cetera
IDK it was weird because suddenly….you had that freedom
Hellespont
I just consider “Thank God” as the sanitised, socially acceptable version of my usual “Thank Fuck!” Kind of the way my mother says “sugar”, instead of “Shit!” when she has non family company.
Ana Chronistic
well, considering it’s a politicized version of “thank goodness” then eh
my mother would keep saying “Day…. rn”
Hellespont
Nope, that is is just another one of those “Thingz Wut Mericans Think, LOL! ™”. It’s just a turn of phrase, a worldwide turn of phrase.
Ana Chronistic
HOW DARE YOU CHALLENGE MY UNTESTED WORLD VIEWS AND MAKE ME LEARN STUFF
and on a WEEKEND
Hellespont
Jesus H Fucking Jehoshaphat Christ, it’s the weekend???
Delicious Taffy
It’s always the weekend, around here.
Deanatay
weekends are meaningless when you’re unemployed
Delicious Taffy
High-five, buddy!
Betty Anne
You forgot that he’s on a stick. (Or isn’t he on a stick where you live? I had to quit saying “Jesus Christ on a stick!” or “Christ on a stick!” when I went to uni, because it was offending non-locals. ^^; )
thejeff
I’ve heard pogo stick, if anyone still remembers what those are.
Or “Christ on a cross.”
“Jumping Jesus H. K. Christ tap dancing in side-car with his black bastard brother Harry.”
There was also something about “chocolate jimmies and a lobster bib”, but I forget how it fit in. 🙂
I use “Christ
zoomer296
There’s also “Christ on a cracker” and the ever-famous “Jesus rollerblading Christ”.
Whirlwitch
I remember “Christ on a pony”, which I once tried to say and accidentally switched to “Christ on a potty”, which was funnier.
Schol-R-LEA
Yeah… on that… a lot of people in the West don’t really get that ‘Allahu Akbar” (“God is Great”), while sometimes used as a statement of faith, is more of a general-purpose cuss phrase in most Arabic speaking countries (and non-Arabic speaking countries with large Islamic populations such as Indonesia, India, or even the Philippines, where even some of the non-Muslims use it). It could mean anything from, “Wow, did you see that?” to “Owww you dropped that on my foot, that fucking hurts, be more careful you dumbass!” to “OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT THAT DRUNK DRIVER JUST DROVE INTO THE GAS STATION PUMPS WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE RUN!!!!”. It doesn’t take a lot of research to figure that out, but not many people in the US (and I gather in Europe as well) bother.
Leorale
An all-purpose interjection, like how Americans use “Jesus Christ”!
I’m trying to think of a Jewish equivalent, too, but ‘Oy vey’ (and variations) are only for things that are upsetting. Perhaps we like making our interjections more specific.
zoelogical
holy shit that’s amazing
Chris
My mother says “Shite” instead of shit
Ana Chronistic
so does like all of Great Britain
a snow ʍousɐ
wait, isn’t “thank goodness” just a light version of “thank God”?
Illjwamh
I haven’t believed in any god for almost 18 years, and I still say it. It really is just a turn of phrase.
Though I’ll occasionally mix it up if I’m feeling facetious and say things like “Thank the gods” or something. My personal favorite, for expression exasperation or frustration, is “Jesus, Horus, and Thor!”
Hellespont
As a Red Dwarf fan, “Holy Smeg!” has entered my parlance. As did “Jovis Grudd” via Judge Dredd.
Abel Undercity
Mother of Grodd, what in Zod’s name is going on around here?!
Hellespont
*Fist bump*
Kinoko
Battlestar Galactica and “frack” for me.
Though my parents used to watch a lot of Red Dwarf when it was first airing, and so for a while I thought “smeg” was a real word.
Songbird
“Smeg” IS a real word. If I remember correctly, it’s a shortened slang form of “smegma,” which is the Greek word for the secretion of oils and fluids in the folds of skin, specifically within a man’s foreskin. Basically, whenever Lister would call someone “smeg-head,” he’s basically calling them “dickhead.”
*insert “The More You Know” music and star here*
Hellespont
Smeg is also the name of a huge international appliance manufacturer. My Mum’s kitchen is literally full of Smeg.
El Chupacabre
I feel weird swearing by gods I don’t believe in. I worry I’m being disrespectfull. My favorites replace the word god with fuck. “What in the sweet light of fuck?!”
“Sweet mother of fuckery”
Savail
“Thank the cows.”
I also like to string together random words into epithets, often featuring rats for whatever reason.
Wire Segal
I’ve become fond of “Thank the stars!” or “Sparks…” as swears, and I do the “thank the gods” thing too.
ObiKemnebi
…Please excuse me while I purposefully replace “by the gods” in my vernacular with “Jesus, Horus, and Thor” xD
Dana
“Holy living mother of fuck!”
DarkoNeko
Hmm, that’s more for the catholic. I recon the protestants gives a much less important place to Mary.
foamy
“Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they’d seen the need for gods as the sort of supernatural equivalent of a hard hat. Besides, when you hit your thumb with an eight-pound hammer it’s nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, “Oh, random-fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!” or “Aaargh, primitive-and-outmoded-concept on a crutch!”
-Terry Pratchett, Men-At-Arms.
Daibhid C
Beaten to the Obligatory Discworld Reference. Damn it.
Or random-bad-luck-that-doesn’t-prove-anything it.
Pablo360
I sometimes say “Thank the Gods,” and I’m a Christian. I figure any god who can’t handle a little light riffing isn’t one I’d want to worship.
Schol-R-LEA
I still say things like “Jesus Christ!” and “Holy God!” sometimes, even though I have been calling myself a Discordian-Finaglist (because appropriating fictional/humorous religions is like eating Pringles) sine 1992.
thejeff
Kallisti!
Luzahn
I’m just very surprised that anyone would ever think think “thank god” is a religious phrase. Maybe it’s a regional thing, but that sort of usage is entirely secular in my experience.
It’s like making fun of a Christian for saying “thank my lucky stars” or a similar turn-of-phrase which has to etymologically be pagan.
ObiKemnebi
Growing up in my family, it /was/ religious. My mother and grandmother were literally thanking their deity for guiding them to their misplaced keys or delaying that traffic light just long enough for them to get through. The one time I ever heard either of them say “god damn you” it was incredibly shocking because I knew to them, the phrase literally meant they were indicating the person was completely beyond salvation– in a religion where the only requirement to receive salvation is apologizing and saying thanks for forgiving me.
maarvarq
“Oh my lack of God, it’s Trotsky!”
https://youtu.be/BuO274cd7Y0?t=44s
Schol-R-LEA
Oh My Gamikai!
Paul
“I want an old-fashioned house with an old-fashioned fence and an old-fashioned millionaire…”
StClair
Q: What do agnostics say during sex?
A: “Oh my God, who may or may not exist!”
Ana Chronistic
what about http://joyceandwalky.com/d/20090613.html
Joe Covenant
“Ohhh Fate and Destiny! Fate and Destiny!”
“Chemical Chance! Chemical Chaaaannnce!”
“BIG BANG!”
(© William Melvin Hicks)
CJ
On the whole, thank goddess gets a nice reaction ?
But Joyce arguing “thank god” points to relegious feelings is really weird.
Pablo360
It’s not the weirdest thing Joyce has done, but it’s still weird even for a fundie.
El Chupacabre
I’ve had this argument made to me
Doctor_Who
I want to know what Robin cooked.
I can either imagine her being an utterly atrocious cook, or a shockingly brilliant one (though naturally everything she makes is 1000% sugar).
There is no way she is merely adequate. She has to be one of the extremes.
Doctor_Who
Also I just noticed Robin’s apron, and it is fabulous.
UltraKyrie
Gaypron, as in gay-apron, or gaypron, as in gay-pr0n? You decide!
Reltzik
Rule 34, yo.
IT CAN BE BOTH!
dn3s
“gape ron”
Mr D
I ust had the worst harry potter related image in my brain.
WHERE’S THE BRAIN BLEACH
Delicious Taffy
Who needs brain bleach when you can just Obliviate yourself?
Schol-R-LEA
Trust me, unless you have been reading some of the Harron (or worse, Snarron or Lupron shudder</b?) shipper fanfics, of the more explicit and bizarre sorts (which are often the same given how many seem to be written by girls who have never seen the male anatomy), then there probably s worse. Much worse.
You really don’t want to know, but I assure you, some of it makes
Enoby Dementtia Ravens WayTara Gilesbie look like Shakespeare in comparison, while also making <50 Shades of Gray look like an treatise on the joys of chastity.Schol-R-LEA
Hopefully, the mod will be able to fix the mangled markup there. Sorry about that.
Also, just to give you some small idea of how bad it gets: back when Livejournal was a thing (other than a punchline), there were groups such as Deleterius which were devoted to ‘badfic sporking’, basically giving awful fanfics the MST3K treatment (I imagine that this still happens in places like fanfiction.net, but I haven’t looked). It was a pretty cruel thing that I have some regrets about now, but at the time it seemed funny, and occasionally one of the targets would get over themselves enough to listen to our criticisms and take them to heart (are you hearing this, Steam Greenlight Developers?)
I recall at least two different HP fics in which one of the characters – Ron in one, I think the other was Lupin or Sirius but I forget) – tries to cheer Harry up – by sneaking into bed with him and raping him. All without a single word said between them in either case. You know, because sex makes people happy, and who needs to explain themselves when they are sticking it in an underaged boy, right?
And those were far from the worst I’d seen in those groups. Sweet Mother Eris, it got far worse than that.
OTOH, some of the sporkings were tremendously funny and on target. I recall one story in which the punctuation was almost entirely missing (a common problem in fanfics which haven’t been proofread by a beta reader). I snarked that if she keeps missing periods like that, she should talk to a doctor… to which one of the regulars replied with something like, “Oh, go easy on her, she’s just too young to have punctuation yet!” Good times. Terrible fanfics, but good times nonetheless.
merbrat
*giggle-snort*
zoelogical
i thought ron was exclusively a death eater. i am intrigued
LynziGraye
I wanted this strip to be titled “Gaypron” in the worst way, it was ridiculous.
Shiro
I want it to be muffins incorporating some kind of sugary brightly-colored cereal. Froot Loops maybe?
Danni
http://thepunchlineismachismo.com/archives/comic/cant-knock-it-until-you-try
Shiro
Absolutely ideal 😀 That’s a child after my own heart.
Delicious Taffy
Froot Loops make absolutely horrible baking material. I can’t get them to not blend into a homogeneous much.
Mollyscribbles
Maybe if you made a variant of rice krispie squares with them?
StClair
Basically, you need to think of stuff like that as a garnish, not the base material.
Delicious Taffy
Rice Krispie squares work because the cereal is unsweetened and consists of very small pieces. Froot Loops are rough, large, and very sweet. The only way around the size is to crush them, at which point you’ve defeated the purpose of using them in the first place.
Commodore Jeep-Eep
Try fruity pebbles.