373

File
Posted on August 2, 2016 by David M Willis

373 thoughts on “File”

  1. Ana Chronistic

    Mike moonlights at Monsters, Inc., CONFIRMED

    “We scare, because we care insufferable assholes who feed off the misery of others“

    1. Lurlock

      So THAT’s why his hair looks like that. It’s really a cardboard cutout to hide the fact that he’s actually a one-eyed green basketball with arms and legs…

      1. AndroidDreams

        Goddammit, now i read mikes voice in wazowski’s crisp tones.

        1. Copacetic

          Damnnnnn you now I am too

        2. Needfuldoer

          So now we have to hire Billy Crystal for the animated series. Well thanks a LOT there goes the entire budget! *Throws stack of paperwork into the air*

        3. legobil

          And with paperwork you mean a stack of blank papers?

    2. Rutee

      Was.. was that the plot of Monsters, Inc? Because it’s been a minute.

      1. inqntrol

        Yep, that sums up the plot of that movie.

  2. AnvilPro

    Mike’s like “You want to *see* my files on you? Weirdo.”

    1. Orion Fury

      Well you did hear what the first entry is on him, right?

      1. Shade

        I assume he meant the first entry on Ethan says that, I imagine the first entry ever was one of his parents.

        1. a snow ʍousɐ

          Mike enters where you once exited.

      2. Darkoneko

        Or what he pretends that entry is..

  3. Umbrella Paint

    Mike is such an asshole he plans his assholery months in advance

    1. Doctor_Who

      In this comic, time moves so slow you need to plan your next bathroom break months in advance.

      1. zoelogical

        on the other hand you don’t NEED a bathroom break for months on end

  4. Doctor_Who

    Mike: “And Hot-Shots. Always looking for new Hot Shots…is that a type of gay porn?”

    Ethan: “I wish it was something that dignified.”

    1. Reltzik

      “…. oh, it’s one of those… whatchamacallits…. Go-Bots.”

      “…”

      (Next time on Some1’s DoA Tournament Battles…. ETHAN v MIKE!)

      1. Orion Fury

        gestestgsrgwVGZhnjuhgo;HQN#rb;b;tbq3rm,r.

        1. Falling Star

          …What?

        2. Orion Fury

          Go-bots.

    2. AndieStardust

      I am waking up from a nap.
      I read it initially as ” Mike and The Hot-Shots”. And that he was always hiring members.

      …brb gonna splash water on my face

      1. Orion Fury

        I think I’d watch that. At least the series premiere.

  5. Chief_of_Staves

    Last strip I thought “Do not let Mike detain you.” Here we see how he sharpens the spikes for the mime pit, and his shopping list for painting the phrase “Learn the Words…”

    (Yes, Mike reminds me of a young Vetinari.)

    1. Doctor_Who

      I could honestly see Mike as a politician.

      20 years from now he’ll either be Dorothy’s opponent, or her running mate.

      1. Chief_of_Staves

        Mike the asshole politician: He brings assholes together from across the aisle, albeit clenched and huddling in fear. He is the supplement to clear bipartisan constipation.

      2. Rukduk

        He’ll be the running mate willing to do all the dirty stuff to get elected that Dorothy won’t because of her morals. He’ll also be a way for Dorothy to appease the white male demographic, though that will be a smaller section of the voting base (though whites in general will still form a plurality of the populace).

        1. MM

          Or he’ll be Robin’s running mate, to bring in the youth vote.

        2. Ellegos

          Mike seems like the kind of asset that doesn’t show up by name and has a generic title on your payroll. You don’t actually let anyone know that he exists, because you never want to be directly connected to anything he does. He just makes problems for other candidates, and if he is ever discovered, you want plausible deniability.

        3. Willoughby Chase

          Donald Sigretti with his “ratfucking” would seem to be his real-world role-model.

          Watch “All The President’s Men” ffi.

        4. Deanatay

          *in Kennedy-esque voice*
          “The Keener-Warner Plan will restore jobs, protect your rights, and fuck your moms for just pennies per capita. Five of them, to be precise.”

      3. TemporalShrew

        Mike is either a politician, or the journalist with enough dirt in his backlog to *ruin* any politician.

        1. Doctor_Who

          Mike is Spider Jerusalem!

          That guy once drove six politicians to suicide using only a telephone.

        2. Nikkileah

          Just don’t let the man have a bowel-disruptor…

        3. The Gorram Batguy

          I think you have the right of it. Why even bother being a politician? Mike can spend his days gathering incriminating facts about all the politicians on all sides, breaking their careers at will and leaving the rest sweating in fear of when or if he will strike at them.

        4. Dorje Sylas

          So Karl Rove, but bipartisan. Because you don’t have to be an elected or every public official to run a political meat grinder. Mike being a future hatchet man for Dorothy’s run at President could happen. Deputy Chief of Staff sounds about right, assistant to the Chief of Staff with all the power to make people miserableness and none of the spotlight.

        5. Cerberus

          Mike is an opposition researcher, digging up the dirt on opponents and thinking of how to best exploit it. Ironically enough, due to real life stuff, I can’t help but think of him in a similar vein to all the professional harassers and attack dogs like Breitbart who have taken the brutality of opposition research and smear campaigns and used them against regular everyday people without the large staff to defend themselves.

          I dunno, the democratization of character destruction in the internet age makes Mike’s character very awkward on so many levels.

        6. Willoughby Chase

          I was going for Donald Sigretti, who courted publicity even less than Rove.

          “Senior Political Adviser” is always a good post to hold.

        7. ischemgeek

          Mike’s totally a journalist: To be a politician, he needs to worry about keeping himself scandal-free. To be a journalist, he gets to set people up to burn, and then watch them burn, and then write about it so others can watch them burn and they can burn harder.

          Tell me that’s not Mike’s kind of job. :p

          Especially since Mike’s schemes never rely on lies, they always rely on the truth of the situation – he does have a twisted sense of honor.

        8. Deanatay

          “I find I do more damage with the truth.”

          Yep, definitely a journalist.

        9. Darkoneko

          That’s only if he find a paper to be published in.

      4. Reltzik

        No way. Mike’s the 3rd-party spoiler that ruins her campaign.

      5. Ellegos

        As long as you can be sure he won’t sabotage his own side, he would be indispensable when trying to run a counter campaign against the competition.

    2. Idontcarenomore

      Exactly. A young Vetinari.

    3. Zatar

      Eh Vetinari is more of a viscous pragmatist than a cruel asshole. He doesn’t go out of his way to make enemy’s like Mike does because it hurts him in the long run. If anything Mike is a milder and non-religious Vorbis.

      1. Opus the Poet

        Viscous, he’s slow and gooey?

        1. Zatar

          *vicious

    4. LWS

      Nah, Vetinari might have been an assassin before he became Patriarch but he was only killing people (and then later having people killed) who needed to die for the good of Ankh-Morpork. He never did anything to be intentionally cruel.

      Mike is only killing people emotionally for the amusement of Mike instead of any greater good. One is a political leader and the other is an asshat (although admittedly too often they’re synonymous nowadays).

  6. tim gueguen

    Hopefully Mike has a good password on his phone. That information could be dangerous in the wrong hands.

    Oh, wait….

    1. Doctor_Who

      No, imagine if MARY got it, with her blackmailing ways. I’d say Mike is the lesser of two evils.

      1. Doki

        THIS, honestly.

        1. Archivist

          …What on earth is your avatar from?

        2. Mordecai

          sexy loco

        3. Mordecai

          *sexo

    2. JessWitt

      Heavens, there would be a WikiLeaks situation at IU.

      1. Anorak

        That sounds awesome

      2. Deanatay

        That would be pronounced ‘WillisLeaks’.

        1. Darkoneko

          You may wanna check with an urologist for that.

    3. Carolyn

      Yes, it would be horrible if that phone fell into Mary’s hands, but in obtaining the phone, it’s likely Mary would incur Mike’s wrath. Which means his special brand of assholery would be devoted to making her life a living hell.

      So not only would Mike be distracted from more innocent targets, but Mary would be miserable. There could be a silver lining to such a scenario.

  7. Stephen R. Bierce

    She Pad, he Pad a we Pad
    IPad, you Pad a lay Pad
    Be Pad, Be Pad a loo Pad…

    1. Noah Ramon

      … I don’t even understand.

      1. Falling Star

        It’s the lyrics to She-Bop by Cyndi Lauper, with Bop replaced with Pad.

      2. Deanatay

        *sigh* Kids these days…

        EDUCATE THEM ON THE CLASSICS, PARENTS!!!

        1. Ed Rhodes

          Since the next line of “She Bops” is in fact; “I don’t even understand.” I’d say Noah gets it perfectly. It may well be Falling Star you meant needed the education!

  8. Jesse

    Why is anyone friends with Mike? Amber and Ethan should just cut their losses.

    1. Doctor_Who

      Both of them seem to possess a certain amount of self-loathing.

      Whether they hang out with Mike because of that, or Mike is the CAUSE of that remains unknown.

      1. Kamino Neko

        ‘A certain amount’ being ‘all of it’. Each, not between them.

      2. Dorje Sylas

        Mike tends to target those who are content in their self-delusion. Mary would be high on his list. Neither Amber nor Ethan are particularly content. Although once Mike digs out the details of the Amber/Amazi/Danny/Ethan love rhombus that may change.

        1. Greenygal

          The evidence does not support this–he’s targeted both Amber and Ethan, and the only time he was even in the same panel as Mary, he was busy targeting Joyce.

        2. Cerberus

          This. He never punches up and never speaks truth to power. He targets those without power who are trained by society not to fight back. In that, he has far too much in common with Mary to ever target her.

    2. Romanticide

      “keep your frienemies close”

    3. Archivist

      Mere exposure effect.

    4. Raibean

      I think, in a way, the aspire to BE Mike.

    5. Jason

      “That’s awful. That’s MONSTROUS …. So, see you at lunch tomorrow?”

      1. Deanatay

        Awful.
        Monstrous.
        That’s our Mike!

    6. doubleW

      He’s been a fan favorite since Willis’s early years publishing on the internet. He was also useful for getting the plot moving in the other universe.

      1. Jesse

        No, I mean in this setting.

    7. DCHorror

      Mike seems to be less of an asshole to people he considers friends, unless they give him too easy of an opening to ignore.

      Compare him engineering several scenarios to get Walky and Dorothy fighting vs embarrassing Ethan and Amber in the moment while they were engaging in frankly unhealthy behaviors.

      1. Darkoneko

        That pajama jeans thing would have blown up pretty quick, anyway.

  9. Wheelpath

    Yes, Mike had better use that soon Willis. I need things to go back to him being the biggest problem and not Amber’s “batman complex,” Joyce’s old Christian values, or Mary’s actual bigotry.

    1. Emily

      At least those problems all make sense and have an actual narrative, Mike’s whole purpose as a character is being a plot pry-bar.

    2. Rutee

      That wasn’t even true in SP!. He was rarely anyone’s biggest problem, and when he was it was temporary.

  10. Mandy

    But what does Mike’s file on HIMSELF say?

    1. Umbrella Paint

      The best asshole, somehow not a victim of homicide

    2. lia47

      “cares too much”

      1. lia47

        “afraid to let people in”

        1. Foxhack

          “should not be given any alcohol”

        2. Reltzik

          “Urinates in the dead of night into the snoring mouths of people who snoop on his phone, and knows where you sleep. Pleasant dreams.”

        3. Orion Fury

          “Also, avid nickel collector”

        4. Deanatay

          “Collects nickles. EARNS THEM.”

    3. Chief_of_Staves

      Looking at it is a cross between a brown note and a photograph of a Lovecraftian Old One. You don’t understand what you just saw, you don’t want to understand, and you need to go clean yourself up immediately.

      1. Orion Fury

        You know that picture of the woman that’s screaming and holding a baby? Mike’s soul looks like what’s around them.

    4. Doctor_Who

      His file is just gigabytes of MLP fanfic.

      Pinkie Pie is his favorite.

      1. Orion Fury

        Makes sense, from what I recall, she’s the closest to representing him in that universe.

        1. Doctor_Who

          I just assumed that since it was true in that other universe it would be true in this one.

    5. Sadie

      I expect that, whatever his file says, it is rather accurate. If Mike would consistently use the truth as a force for good, instead of throwing out word-bombs and watching to see what happens, he’d be a pretty effective saint. Instead, he chooses the path of Chaotic Asshole. (Either that, or his file is exactly what Doctor_Who said. Pinkie Pie *is* his favorite.)

      1. Chief_of_Staves

        Or his file is a trap for any fool who dares hunt his personal files for dirt on their very author…

      2. tyersome

        I’m not sure what kind of “saint” you mean, but the historical ones were not immune to being assholes … Thomas Aquinas

        1. Sadie

          The casual-usage kind of “saint”. If Mike was Catholic (or interpreted as Catholic by future Vatican historians), he could certainly achieve canonization sometime in the far future, after everyone who actually knew him is dead, as-is. Just as long as he manages some miracles. (So let’s not rush him. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.)

        2. The Gorram Batguy

          Meanwhile, look through his pockets looking for loose change.
          Especially nickels.

    6. MM

      Do not mix with alcohol.

    7. zaratustra

      Secretly wants someone to call him on his horseshit?

  11. Nono

    Mike’s hiding his pages upon pages of all of Ethan’s positive attributes.

    Mike/Ethan ahoy!

  12. Some1

    Sooo…ask me anything.

    1. Some1

      related to the post I made yesterday, stating that people could ask questions yesterday.

    2. SgtWadeyWilson

      How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

      1. Some1

        42

        1. SgtWadeyWilson

          You win this round of sarcasm. *Disappears into the shadows.*

      2. Reltzik

        A woodchuck would chuck as much would as a would chuck could chuck if a woodchuck would chuck and could chuck wood.

        1. SgtWadeyWilson

          *Glares at the woulds that should be woods.*
          Gah! You did that on purpose, didn’t you?

        2. Reltzik

          Wood I do that?

      3. Orion Fury

        700 pounds?

        1. SgtWadeyWilson

          700 pounds of what wood? Oak? Birch? Some other Pokémon Professor?

        2. Orion Fury

          Probably Juniper.

        3. DonDueed

          European or African?

        4. a snow ʍousɐ

          Huh? What? I don’t know that. *flies backward into the distance*

        5. Orion Fury

          Probably Juniperus Virginiana, also known as Red Cedar, primarily found in North-Eastern US and Canada.

    3. Reltzik

      If you were to answer this multiple choice question by randomly selecting one of the following four answers (uniform distribution), what would be your odds of getting it right?

      A: 25%
      B: 50%
      C: 25%
      D: 0%

      1. Some1

        well A and C are the same answer, so we can remove them both. Leaving us with only 2 possible answers.

        50%

        1. Some1

          or more randomly 25%

        2. svata

          Since A and C are the same, as you noted, 33%

        3. Some1

          I guess that would depend on if the percentages actually matter.

        4. Reltzik

          They do. The random pick is uniformly distributed (meaning that each letter has an equal chance of being picked), and it’s a question about probability, so yeah, the percentages are important.

        5. Rutee

          It’s not a question taht can be answered correctly, given the options provided. Each option is incorrect for different reasons. It’s really quite fun.

          A or C would be correct if the other were different. Given that (Or given that the answer is ‘supposed to be 50% if there are two correct answers), 50% should be correct, except if 50% were correct you’d only have a 25% chance of guessing it, so it’s out. 0% is self-negating – if it’s correct, it can’t be selected through random statistical chance. However, if it can’t be selected through random statistical chance, then it’s actually correct.

          I tip my hat to you, Reltzik, that was a lot of fun to write.

        6. Reltzik

          I wish I could say I’m the one who invented it. But yeah, it’s fun.

        7. Reltzik

          But also, if it’s a question that can’t be answered correctly, then the odds of randomly getting the correct answer is 0%, making D correct.

        8. Rutee

          If D is correct, the odds of randomly answering the question correctly are 25%. D is self-negating.

        9. Reltzik

          True. But the statement “There is no correct answer” is also clearly false, because then the odds WOULD be 0%, which you’ve explained cannot be the case.

        10. Rutee

          Yes. But if there is a correct answer, the odds of randomly selecting it given even distribution aren’t 0%, so D is incorrect – A and C are correct. Except if A and C are correct, B is correct. Except if B is correct…

          D is sort of the odd duck out in that it doesn’t and can’t continue in that chain, but still starts it.

        11. Rutee

          Also, ‘there is no correct answer’ is not actually clearly false – further, this is even more true in a multiple choice question – a multiple choice question can, in fact, have no correct answer, because you are limited to the answers given.

        12. Fart Captor

          Rutee technically correct. None of the options can be true without also being false. Therefore, none of the answers CAN be true. Even though this would appear to make D true, that would imply a contradiction, so it is still not true.

          The meta-referential structure of the question has rendered it incoherent.

      2. DonDueed

        The only winning move is not to play.

      3. a snow ʍousɐ

        C. Not A. Just C. The letter is part of the answer.

        1. a snow ʍousɐ

          And the choices A and C are definitely different, because the question said “out of the following FOUR answers.”

          Given that reasoning…
          What is the chance of a logician correctly answering Reltzik’s question? A logician will not choose by random chance between all four possibilities, and will select any arguably logical answer with equal probability (provided that choosing that answer is not equivalent to choosing randomly).

          A. 100%
          B. 50%
          C. 25%
          D. 0%

          I changed A to a different probability to make this a bit harder.

          But that question still seems a bit too obvious, so here is another question —
          Given the same definition of a logician, what is the chance a logician will choose the correct answer to this question?
          A: 25%
          B: 50%
          C: 25%
          D: 0%

          I actually have a solution for both of these (sic), but I’m curious to see what you guys come up with.

        2. Reltzik

          For the first one, the logician will not select D, because that would clearly be false upon its selection. Selecting C is equivalent to guessing randomly, so that’s out. So the logician will either select A or B. If the logician were to randomly choose between two possible answers, the correct answer would be 50%, making B the only possible answer, making the probability NOT 50%…. a contradiction. Similar problem for guessing randomly. But choosing A does not on its surface lead to a contradiction, so the logician will select that, rather than choosing B or randomly selecting from A and B.

          HOWEVER, there is a non-zero chance that D is the correct answer, because there are dicks who write tests. The possibility of it being true was never eliminated, just the possibility that the logician would select it. Since it has a non-zero probability of being true and since the logician won’t select it, the odds of the logician selecting correctly cannot be 100%. Thus there is no correct answer that the logician can select, the odds of the logician selecting correctly are 0%, and D is the correct answer (but the logician will never get that right).

          …. on the other hand, a quality logician would know of various works done in the mid-20th century (Turing incompleteness, Godel’s incompleteness theorem, etc), plus several older examples (Liar’s paradox, Russel’s paradox) that demonstrate how logic STOPS WORKING in cases of self-reference.

    4. Kamino Neko

      WHAT is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow…which has been swallowed by a dog…a bad dog…a very bad dog?

      1. Some1

        is it African or European?

        1. Rukduk

          The swallow or the dog?

        2. Some1

          swallow

        3. Kamino Neko

          The coconut. (I don’t know how the coconut figures into this story at this point, but it’s still the answer.)

        4. Orion Fury

          Green or white?

      2. Some1

        Okay lets see here….

        A swallow (European) weighs 0.63 oz

        A lab weighs around 70 lbs

        A swallow can normally travel at around 35 mph

        so…if said swallow was to push upwards inside of the dog, the airspeed velocitywould be zero, because a swallow cannot lift a dog. (maybe a small one)

    5. Opus the Poet

      Capital of South Dakota.

      1. Some1

        Pierre

    6. Falling Star

      Who won the name contest?

      1. Some1

        I’ll say tomorrow

  13. Pastafarian

    mike what the fuck

  14. Mr. Mendo

    Mike is surprisingly efficient at what he does. The organization skills will serve him well…

    1. Needfuldoer

      He runs his own private wiki for just this reason.

      Or he’s got a VPN to the real-world Walkypedia. Either way.

      1. Anorak

        a multiversal vpn? Did SEMME mike set that up?

  15. Jay Eff

    Mike also has a file on Wonder Woman.

    It is completely empty.

    1. Doctor_Who

      I love how Batman had the box made, even put her logo on it, just so he can use it as a dramatic visual aid.

      1. Archivist

        He ordered them as a set, and now he’s stuck with the embarrassing one.

      2. JessWitt

        Oh now I get the reference. I just remember nothing but Martha.

      3. Pat

        It’s a disincentive. It doesn’t have to work, Wonder Woman just has to think it will.

  16. Bea

    What does Joyce’s file say?
    Does Mike have a file on himself?
    What about Ruth?
    Or Carla?
    Has Mike even interacted with Ruth or Carla?
    Ooh, what about Billie?
    Are there people Mike doesn’t want to hate him?
    Are there people Mike likes?

    so many questions

    1. Bea

      follow up question: does Drunk Mike ™ ever add to these files? Are there…compliments on there?

      Or is Drunk Mike ™ in his own file? Like his exploitable information is that he’s *gasp* nice when he’s drunk?

    2. TheAnonymousGuy

      joyce may not have a file anymore, I mean her bestfriends dad chased her, threatened them, pointed a gun at them, attacked one of her friends, kidnapped Becky, half her family sides with him over her, and she almost got raped by an asshole using bible verses as bait. how or WHY would mike want to top that?

      1. Archivist

        I doubt he nixed it, but it probably needs some major editing since the above.

      2. Silly Name

        You’re assuming Mike isn’t a gigantic asshole.

        1. Cerberus

          This.

          He’s a douchebag and every instance we’ve seen him, he’s exploited fresh painful wounds for his little games. Like, fuck, we’ve seen him exploit the trauma of prom night against Amber/AG and Ethan and we’ve seen him exploit Ethan’s mother’s love and we’ve seen him exploit Amber’s father’s abuse to get under her skin.

          I don’t see how Joyce having suffered real trauma would be viewed as anything other than giving him more ammo to use against her*. Especially when he’s shown here plotting to use someone’s sexuality against them.

          *That said, Joyce seems to be the person he shows the closest thing he can to fondness to. Likely, largely because she let him continuously beat up a guy for money. So he’s probably not going to exploit those things for that reason.

    3. Catullus

      Re: Mike’s interactions, he hasn’t ever interacted with Ruth or Carla (at least on-panel) and only rarely has he interacted with Billie.

      1. No Name

        He’s interacted with Danny less than Billie, and he’s got a file on him.

        1. miz

          Looking through the Billie+Mike link, it seems like they actually share a lot of strips because of having math class together, but they’ve only SPOKEN twice: http://www.dumbingofage.com/2010/comic/book-1/02-uphill-from-here/motorcycle/ and http://www.dumbingofage.com/2015/comic/book-6/02-that-perfect-girl/profane/

          Interesting…we really just need more Mike interactions all around, imo.

        2. Silly Name

          Of course, that’s only what we’ve been shown. If they walk to math class together every day, there must be some small talk happening off-screen.

        3. No Name

          Yes, but Mike has only spoken with Danny once (including now).
          Mike’s default mode is passive observation.

    4. Fart Captor

      If he has an entry on Carla, it has probably been mysteriously replaced by picture of her flipping the bird.

      1. merbrat

        When he opens the file, it plays “All Star”.

        1. Cerberus

          *slow clap*

        2. Cerberus

          Especially *slow clap* because being trans on the internet is like a frickin’ homing beacon for edgelord douchebag types like Mike. So it’s guaranteed she’s had to deal with a fair few troll-versions of Mike in her history.

  17. TheAnonymousGuy

    Oh shit, mike keeps this stuff filed and organized, why am I not surprised.

  18. Shiro

    The alt text convinces me that Mike would, given the first chance

  19. Rukduk

    Mike in the last panel (based solely on someone else’s Headcanon theory yesterday): Shit gotta hide Ethan’s file before he finds out I think he’s hot!

    1. Archivist

      The alt text is backing you up.

      1. Gamaran Sepudomyn

        Pretty sure that’s Mike’s file on himself.

    2. Anorak

      Ethan’s File is merely a collection of ship fics mike has written

  20. HMH

    So, uh, why do people seem to like Mike so much, again?

    1. newllend(henryvolt)

      Maybe because he represent the inner asshole in all of us who which we all try our best not to enjoy becoming. The kind of asshole who is just waiting to give a rude awakening too people who need most.

      1. Rukduk

        Much in the same vein as why people love Heath Ledger’s Joker. It appeals to us on a level we don’t like to acknowledge. The Joker is a horrible person, but he’s also completely free. He is pure Id, refusing to bow to the superego. We may love Batman, but deep down, we all really want to be the Joker. Because he is a representation of the Jungian duality of man. So is Mike in his much saner way.

      2. Kamino Neko

        “When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave JohnsonMike Warner lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!”

        1. Orion Fury

          “Now get back to the testing. I’m not giving you a nickel for nothing!”

    2. Nono

      If it helps any, I don’t. Not incredibly fond of Ruth or Carla either, although the latter’s risen a couple stocks with the last arc.

    3. zoelogical

      he’s an asshole in ways that are interesting to watch and create drama

    4. Rutee

      Same reason a buncha teens loved themselves some Black Mage a decade ago, I imagine. The evil one is ‘cool’, and therefore flawless. This actually has nothing to do with either of the involved’s narrative arcs, but it’s the perception.

      1. Orion Fury

        I’ve heard Mike looks good in leather pants.

      2. Sunny

        Black Mage? Cool? Flawless?

        What are you smoking? Throughout the entire webcomic in its 1224-page glory, BM was the butt of the joke more often than not, he consistently failed at pretty much everything and never got to keep anything he gained. The words “cool” and “flawless” hadn’t even entered my mind in relation to him before you mentioned them.

      3. Emily

        The difference between Mike and Black Mage is that at least Black Mage was funny and regularly faced karmic retribution for his dickbaggery. Mike’s just an ass who isn’t funny and almost never faces any consequences for anything.

        1. Rutee

          Black mage was funny because of his karmic retribution, yes. None of this made a difference to his contemporary fans, who insisted he was awesome.

        2. Gamaran Sepudomyn

          To be fair, the rest of the group made him look positively tame.

        3. Rutee

          No. No, it did not. Red Mage was amoral and alien, Thief was greedy and incredibly racist, Fighter was a dumb bodhisattva. Black Mage was fucking evil. He ticked pretty much every box imaginable Genocide was a thing he thought was funny as a matter of course. The deaths of everyone you loved might be a funny joke. Reducing the amount of love in the universe was a means to a dumb end, for him.

          The reason he worked is that the universe constantly, and unfailingly, punished him for his jackassery; far more than anyone else. Nobody else he interacted with on a day to day basis, save for his God, was as terrible as he was, and at least his god was a /little/ sporting.

          When you got down to it, pretty much /everyone/ was a better person than Black MAge. You could always look at some fault of their’s, see it in black mage, and probably expand it (I think Thief was /greedier/, at least, if less gung ho in his racism than Black Mage was in his xenocidal tendencies). Clevinger /hated/ his Black Mage fans when he wasn’t laughing at them, because all they saw was the ‘cool evil guy’ that appealed to their edgelord wishes.

    5. Kater

      Personally, I like Mike and Carla (to a lesser extent because she’s been more humanized and 3D than Mike so far) because they’re… honest about being assholes. The biggest monsters thus far in story (and personal experience) have been the ones who believe they’re “good”. Toe Dad and Mary “saving” the world from sin at the expense of human rights, Blaine “teaching Amber a lesson”. Even Ryan probably believes he’s justified in his scumbaggery. Mike and Carla are just assholes for the sake of it. They don’t pretend to be good which is… Refreshing. And thus far their crimes have been inconsequntial boardering on farsical. They’re kind of cartoony villians in a slice of life setting enabling me to enjoy their mayham.
      Granted I might change my tune if Mike’s actions have any real effect beyond bumming people out and/or forcing them to confront problems, or if Carla’s antics take on a less vile victim but so far they are two of my favorites.

    6. BenRG

      Because Mike is a study in contradictions. He can be entirely malign and seems to delight in rubbing others faults in their faces. However, there always seems to be a subtext to it and, quite frequently, his mockery and cruelty seems to serve to drive his target to better themsleves or at least get out of an unprofitable behaviour loop.

      Simply put, it is impossible to tell if Mike is an asshole whose stunts occasional have a good outcome or if he’s a supremely helpful friend who just happens to specialise in the use of reverse psychology.

      1. Spencer

        Besides slutshaming Dorothy and Sal.

        And bringing up to Ethan that he should dive back into the closet.

        Or telling Amber that the only reason she wanted a partner she felt safe with was because she was searching for a victim.

        Or going out of his way to humiliate Dorothy in front of Danny and when she was in bed with Walky.

        Or standing outside Joyce’s door and drawing dicks.

        Mike is, at best, a plot device.

        1. Charles Phipps

          To be fair, Mike was genuinely legitimately SURPRISED Ethan took his suggestion of re-closeting himself seriously. Then he was appalled when it also involved Ethan faking Christianity. Yes, Ethan took his joking plan seriously and made it WORSE.

        2. Spencer

          I can conceivably believe that was Mike making a joke, since I kinda think that Mike was originally intended to just be a snarky jerk, but otherwise he’s just been a raging pile of shit.

          So, like, the best thing I can say about Mike is that one time he only accidentally fucked something up, but hey at least he’s making up for that now.

        3. Fart Captor

          Yeah, but then she told Amber she would be like her dad, which felt like the kind of knife-twisting Mary would pull, so he lost me there.

        4. Silly Name

          I’d say drawing dicks on the drawing board is a pretty minor offense. Kinda of a fall in style for Mike: he could’ve drawn an entire smutty comic in there, involving as many taboos as possible.

          Instead… dicks. Just dicks.

        5. Spencer

          Drawing dicks on the whiteboard of someone who had suffered sexual assault.

        6. Fart Captor

          Does he actually know about that though? I didn’t think he did

        7. Greenygal

          He doesn’t (at least, no one has told him), but that doesn’t make it a good thing to do. He didn’t just draw dicks; he made it into a power thing by standing outside the door of someone who had erased the drawing and emphatically objected to it, and making it clear that he was going to redraw it the minute her attention wavered. That’s harassment; what he was drawing is almost beside the point.

        8. Spencer

          I am also reminded that he:

          – Stole Joyce’s phone and screamed “ALL HAIL SATAN” at her mother.

          – Demanded that Joyce tell him what was going on about Becky, because she would rather him on her side, rather than against.

        9. Emily

          The worst part is that Mike is awful to everyone around him but it regularly ends up getting portrayed as if his abuses are for their own good and they benefit his victims in the long run and it’s pretty disgusting.

        10. Spencer

          There’s an uncomfortable level of people here who think that, but I don’t think the narrative has ever insisted that Mike’s actions are meant to have a positive outcome.

          Slutshaming Dorothy in the middle of class didn’t make her realize her feelings for Walky. Calling Amber an abuser didn’t make her rethink how she’s dealing with her trauma. Slutshaming Sal didn’t change anything. Drawing dicks on Joyce’s whiteboard didn’t change anything. His arguable joke about Ethan hiding his sexuality ended up causing him real time years of misery.

          Like, if Mike screwing with Danny and Ethan here ended up with them paired together, that wouldn’t be *because* of Mike, it’d be the result of actions they took while dealing with Mike being a total piece of shit.

        11. Rutee

          It wasn’t a joke, but it was meant to show that he wasn’t supposed to be in the closet.

          But yes, at no point has Mike actually helped, and it’s a rare moment (that exact one) where I think he was trying to.

        12. Cerberus

          This.

          Hell, that’s the end result of Dorothy and Walky which is the only example where the people were in a better position at the end of his meddling than where they began. And that was entirely because he was trying to actively prevent their relationship and Dorothy and Walky got together entirely despite his best efforts.

          People don’t end up in better places for having Mike fucking with him and the people who’ve known him the longest have had their recovery in college the most fucked up by his meddling (driving a wedge between Amber/AG and her support network by constantly bringing up the prom incident), getting her so worried about being an abuser that she’s been giving way too much unchecked power to her “golden” alter, making Ethan self-conscious about his gayness to the point where he decides to re-closet himself entirely because Mike keeps neddling everything he’s lost coming out.

          Like, Mike may have people that he’s not toxic for, though I’d be hard-pressed to guess who, but he’s been especially awful for Ethan and Amber/AG and their respective recoveries from a lifetime of parental abuses.

        13. Spencer

          Yeah, no matter how you slice it, Mike does not have positive impact on anything.

          Like, okay sure, Dorothy did hide that she hung out with Walky, so then Mike immediately goes to treating her like a massive slut over it and forces her to be open to protect Walky. For all we know Ethan just needed some time to mull over his sexuality before he eventually could start to deal with it (heck I’m even wondering if maybe Ethan hadn’t dated Joyce then eventually he could have dealt with it with Amber instead), and the timing in when he told Amber she was looking for a victim, around the same time she saw Sal again, fighting Blaine and Danny “choosing” Amazi-Girl over her makes me think that it did end up fueling her need for Amazi-Girl.

          Mike does not make things better. I guess the people who see him as some warrior therapist never had to deal with Mikes.

        14. Solenoid

          I interpret Mike somewhat differently. Knowing the Mike in the other universe, the likelihood that he secretly hopes someone lashes out at him for his shit and gives him a beatdown for him to enjoy seems high.

          Dude’s a masochist going about it in entirely the wrong way.

        15. Cerberus

          Solenoid-

          It’s been heavily hinted that he’s a masochist in this universe too:
          http://www.dumbingofage.com/2014/comic/book-4/04-the-whiteboard-dong-bandit/interrogation/

          But fuck dragging people into your kink that haven’t consented to it. No one consented to a fetish game of Mike ruins your life in the hope that you kick his ass for sexual thrills and him insisting on dragging people into that fetish instead of taking his 18-year-old ass to the local BDSM scene and negotiating a consensual impact play session is incredibly fucked and not okay.

          Spencer-

          This.

          And I think it’s what harms him most in this universe. I’ve never dealt with superhuman forces of nature who will rewrite the laws of man and god to be an agent of chaos, but I have dealt with tired edgelords that think every vulnerability is an excuse to shit on you more.

          Mike does not benefit from the real world focus, because in the real world people like Mike exist and they are terrible toxic people.

      2. Slinks

        ^ This

    7. Spencer

      He’s an asshole but isn’t too queer or too female for it to be a bad thing.

      1. Cerberus

        This comment actually made me chortle a little bit.

      2. Emily

        That’s such an accurate assessment of the situation that it makes me feel kind of ill.

        1. Spencer

          Well maybe Carla shouldn’t have skateboarded so loud.

          And Becky was a jerk because think of all the houses and cars she could have bought with that twenty dollars.

          And if Dorothy didn’t want to be publically embarrassed by having her sexual history held over her head maybe she shouldn’t have been so shameless as to kiss a man.

        2. Spencer

          Skateboarded. Oy.

          I mean rollerblading.

        3. Cerberus

          Now I’m just imagining an AU Carla who’s a skater grrl burnout instead of a roller girl.

    8. Yumi

      Because I am also an asshole.

  21. Darkoneko

    Mike worried about showing something to someone ? That’s surprising.

    1. Darkoneko

      Turns out there’s actually a slash fanfic about Ethan and Mike in that file.

    2. BenRG

      I think that he actually doesn’t want Ethan to see his list of flaws for fear that it will ‘give him new reasons to hate himself’. As I’ve posted before, Mike is a study in many contradictions that makes him hard to read.

      1. Darkoneko

        nope, definitly a yaoi slashfic.

        1. Silly Name

          There’s a threesome with Jacob in it.

        2. Darkoneko

          Yeeessss

    3. Fart Captor

      I’m pretty sure he’s just protectin.g his intel. Knowing what kind of dirt he has could make it less effective. And there’s probably stuff in there shady enough that Ethan could actually get mad, though he’d probably have to see somebody else’s file for that. He doesn’t seem quite ready to attend up to Mike on his own behalf.

  22. brumagem

    Looks like Ethan is into monstrous boyfriends

  23. Reltzik

    Walky’s file: The title text exactly, plus the word “farting”.

    1. Jason

      That made me laugh.

    2. inqntrol

      That pretty much sums it up for Walky.

  24. newllend(henryvolt)

    I guess that typo I made the other wasn’t really a mistake.

  25. Sadie

    I really love that last panel. There’s just so much going on there. I like seeing Mike discomfited. I like Ethan’s curious face. I like—well, don’t *like*, but appreciate—that the thing Mike says right there is true. But mostly, I love those faces. They are great.

  26. Owlmirror

    Huh.

    I figured that Mike had a whole Iago-esque scenario planned out where he plants some of Danny’s clothes in/near/under Ethan’s bed, and makes sure that Amber finds out about it… and it turns out he’s just at the note-taking stage.

    Geez, Mike, you’re slower than I thought.

    PS: Talk about “the beast with two backs” more.

    1. BenRG

      FWIW, the way that Mike’s plots tend to work out, the outcome of something like that would be either Amber and Ethan having a tearful reconciliation, them ending up in an emotionally messy and embarrassing threesome with Ethan or both.

  27. Silamy

    Does he have redeeming qualities in this universe? I mean… Walkyverse Mike was an asshole, but this… actually, this seems par for the course with that one -was it the comparative cartoonishness of the other ‘verse that made him feel more likable? Amount of screentime? Because dear god, what the FUCK?

    1. Orion Fury

      To my understanding, we’ve had over a decade of character growth with him in the Walkyverse, but I think a combination of low screen time here and some of his positive/funny moments/characteristics being used by other people in this ‘verse does lend for him to come off a bit one-dimensional now.

      S`why I’m looking forward to more screen time for him, and as such see his character fleshed out, perhaps taken in new/altered direction.

    2. Rutee

      Mike was nigh-infallible in his intentions (The exception being when he tried to get Jacob and Amber together), and broadcast those intentions aloud on-camera pretty regularly.

      In DoA, he’s neither infallible, nor is he broadcasting them, so you’re left to hope he’s trying to do something good, or to just accept the evidence as presented that he basically is not trying to do something good.

      Note, I actually *like* Mike now. Because he’s not given forgiveness and the blessing of the narrative, and fails more, he’s someone who’s antics I can actually enjoy. It’s fun to watch someone be nettlesome and often fail (and sometimes succeed).

    3. Spencer

      Nope. He’s basically just been a total shithead, and he lacks the inherent wackiness that the Walkyverse gave him where he could propose to his girlfriend using an edited sample of Jacob banging her mom.

      Everything that made Mike great in It’s Walky! and Shortpacked! is already replicated by other characters. You’ve got Walky for smartass ribbing, you got Sarah for harsh truths, and you’ve got Carla for wacky pranks. The only thing Mike can really do to stand out is be an asshole.

      1. Rutee

        I *despised* him in teh Walkyverse. He was, by an enormous margin, my least favorite Shortpacked! character, and he shared a comic with Ninja Rick and Ronald Fucking Reagan. I didn’t say he isn’t an asshole, and rather strongly implied he is in fact not trying to do anything good (Basically ever). I prefer him this way. Now he’s not a fucking god who’s actions are considered Good no matter how horrible they actually fucking are (How many customers did he solve by punching or tormenting again? Even non-offensive ones?)

        1. Rutee

          RIP me, it was 1 AM and I misread the lines, sorry, carry on.

  28. JessWitt

    And Ethan hasn’t caught on to Mike’s schemes. Ohdear…

  29. quietpeas

    Mike’s going to fuck Danny isn’t he? (In all possible meanings of that word).

    1. timemonkey

      Mike fucking Danny wouldn’t really cause any distress.

      1. quietpeas

        I think Ethan and Amber would disagree with that.

        1. timemonkey

          No more so than anyone else fucking Danny.

  30. Archivist

    Congrats, Ethan, you creeped Mike out.

    1. Orion Fury

      I don’t think that happened often in the previous ‘verse.

  31. Some1

    I keep mental files on the DOA commenters, however to simplify it, I have put everyone into 3 categories

    Judgmental prick.

    Insane

    As normal as you can get.

    1. Rukduk

      Well, I know I’m not “normal” and I hope I’m not a judgmental prick, so I guess that makes me insane.

      1. Reltzik

        …. but being insane makes you normal, unless you’re a judgemental prick.

        1. SgtWadeyWilson

          I thought being a judgemental prick was normal, leaving insane as the best option.

    2. SgtWadeyWilson

      I’m gonna aim for #4.

      1. Rukduk

        But what does that make #4? “Cynical Asswhole”? Or maybe “fourth wall breaking assassin with enough snark to back talk an entire roster of comic characters”?
        …
        What?

    3. WhoWasI

      So which are YOU? 🙂

      1. Some1

        Most likely insane.

    4. Raibean

      I’m definitely a judgemental prick

      1. Some1

        problem is, anyone who thinks there a judgmental prick, probably isn’t really a judgmental prick.

        1. zoelogical

          dammit

        2. zoelogical

          see i would otherwise sort myself right there except i try to use my judgmentalness in prosocial ways, which would put me on the less of a prick side, potentially???

          depends catch me on a bad day

        3. Gamaran Sepudomyn

          What if you judge yourself?

    5. Reltzik

      Are these non-overlapping categories?

      1. Orion Fury

        I think venn diagrams might complicate things for him.

    6. Bicycle Bill

      For some people, judgmental prick *IS* normal.

    7. Orion Fury

      *fingers crossed*

      Please be the second, please be the second…

    8. Falling Star

      Who am I?

    9. Darkoneko

      *slowly steps away*

    10. Harvey Janus

      What am I?

    11. Anorak

      What am I?

  32. CoffeeBurps

    I like this system. I kinda want to start doing that. But I’m lazy so that probably wont actually happen

  33. Bicycle Bill

    “Right now you are down and out, and feeling kind of crappy…”
    “I’ll say!”
    “And when I see how sad you are, it sort of makes me … happy!”

    SCHADENFREUDE:   It’s German for “happiness at the misfortune of others!”

    And because of this, Mike moves ahead of Mary in the “most detestable” competition.
    Mary is bad enough, but she seems to come by it naturally.  Mike and his ‘file’, on the other hand, shows that he is taking great pains to accumulate information so that he can, with malice aforethought, exploit this information at a time to be determined merely for the lulz.

    1. Orion Fury

      When I’m bored, I like to come up with ideas for online media entertainment. One of which was live streaming myself playing horror games on the weekend, and calling it Schadenfreude Saturday™.

    2. thejeff

      Of course, while Mary may not be quite so organized about it, she does do the same thing. See her spying on Billie to discover the relationship. Somehow she’d found out about Carla too.

      1. Cerberus

        Ooh, your comment made it click why I’m increasingly becoming cold on Mike when he has an appearance. He’s an edgelord version of Mary. He ruins lives not because of twisted viewpoints or desperate grabs at power, but because it’s funny to him.

        And yet he hasn’t exploited to the level of overreach that Mary has so no one is motivated to stop him like Carla was to stop Mary. And he keeps his microaggressions micro enough that most people just put up with it.

        Other interesting thing, he’s so toxic for Ethan and Amber/AG in specific because they are survivors of abusive families. And so, not feeling safe, always checking one’s back is the exact opposite of what they need in college as they learn how to turn this environment away from all of that into a safer space for them.

  34. Teddae

    Mike’s expression at the end is actually unsettling

  35. Kitschensyngk

    It scares me that Mike has his own Pokedex.

    1. SgtWadeyWilson

      I would read a Dumbidex as written by Mike. It’d be a fun way of exploring the character through his view of others

    2. Some1

      I wanna screw everyone over
      Like no one ever has
      to be a jerk is my real test
      to knee stomachs is my cause

      I will travel across the dorms
      making evil plans
      each sucker to understand
      the pain I will cause

      Mike Warner! Gotta screw everyone
      I hate you
      I know everything about you
      Mike Warner! Oh, I have extensive knowledge on you.
      Your deepest secrets!
      Mike Warner! Gotta screw everyone
      A fuckery so true
      Our assholenish will pull us through
      I screw you and you will cry
      Mike Warner! Gotta screw everyone
      Gotta screw everyone!

      1. Rukduk

        Ok, this is hilarious. Did you just come up with this, or have you been working on this for a while just waiting for a chance to use it?

        1. Some1

          Just came up with it.

      2. Falling Star

        I would watch this.

  36. JessWitt

    Patreon strip suggestion (I’m not on Twit-mblr): why not Chloe?

  37. Black

    Mike probably showed up in his high school yearbook as “Most likely to get murdered.” Pages like this don’t make him less deserving of that title, either.

  38. pjeseb

    Does the alt-text refer to Mike or Ethan?

    1. Darkoneko

      Yes.

  39. cmd1095

    Damn Mike, that’s brutal… I like it

  40. newllend(henryvolt)

    Amber: Desrpetly looking for a Outlet for her directionless rage do to a child hood trama.

    Danny: naive and slightly misguided towards the real problems he faces and slightly tends to make a situation worse without knowing it when all he tries to do is help.

    Ethan: irritatingly self-pitying and Melodramatic.

    Mike: chaotic neutral

    Sal: Cold and Distant twords others do to a somewhat cold and distant past which led to her making which she refuses face in the present.

    Dorothy: Ambitious with clear goals but not a clear motives and also has a perfectionist complex.

  41. Saaaam

    That’s the trick with mike. He can’t win if you’re honest with yourself.

    1. Nono

      Ruth is his greatest enemy.

      1. Reltzik

        Yup. If it weren’t for her, he could be truly ruthless.

        *tacticfully withdrawicates*

        1. Orion Fury

          Don’t worry, you’re just attacking from a different direction.

        2. Spencer

          This pun has made me a very grave man.

  42. Linkara

    I bet Mike is like Batman and keeps these files on people’s weaknesses, but it’ll go up like “Tower of Babel” and Mary will use these files against everyone.

    1. Antonio

      Beat me to it!

    2. Kamino Neko

      Except Mike’s already Ra’s al Ghul.

  43. Achallenger

    ah yes, mike in his natural habitat

  44. Antonio

    Just like Batman keeps files on JLA. Jesus, Ethan, don’t you know how dangerous you all are?

    1. SgtWadeyWilson

      “How dangerous WE all are?”
      “You have a file on yourself?”
      “You’ll find it if you ever need it.”

      1. Orion Fury

        Mike’s file says one word: Run

  45. Some1

    I’m fairly certain Mike is Ethan’s M Dude

  46. Mara

    Meanwhile, Amazi-Girl is frantically searching for her cape and suit, forgetting that Dina recently learned that it’s an act of kindness to do a friend’s laundry.

  47. Reltzik

    And Grav Roulette has made me Leslie again, because apparently Willis has rigged some of the Grav Roulette wheel slots with magnets. Damn You Willis!

    What can I say about Leslie that I haven’t?

    I have to wonder about the sequence of her career and life discoveries. I MIGHT be getting DofA Leslie mixed up with Shortpacked! Leslie (or specifically, mistakingly thinking that some things I know are true about SP Leslie are also true about DofA Leslie), so dogpile on to correct me if I am.

    As I recall Leslie has hinted that she was first married, then discovered she was a lesbian (or maybe just discovered that was a thing that explained some stuff she already knew), and subsequently got divorced. I’m pretty sure that the socially-conservative husband was Shortpacked! only…. or at least if it’s true in DofA, it hasn’t been revealed yet. But there have been strong hints that her family are socially conservative and have rejected her.

    … and again, I’m not sure how much I’m mixing up SP! and DofA.

    But Leslie ALSO went into grad school for a higher degree that qualifiers her to teach a gender studies course…. and doing it very capably and with considerable command authority. This suggests to me that she isn’t a grad student, either… or she’s got at least a Masters and is working on her doctorate.

    But did she go into that… fairly socially liberal field before she learned she was gay? With a socially conservative family and maybe husband? It’s an unusual path from that starting point. If she did it after she learned she was gay… when she was divorced and maybe disowned by her family… when did she get the resources to go (back) to college? Maybe she already had a teaching degree or something and is actually a much lower level grad student? Maybe she was already married while in school? Most of the ways I try to play it out in my head either don’t make sense, or imply something interesting we don’t know yet.

    1. Orion Fury

      I don’t recall much of her backstory here (probably over in the wiki) but I’ve been reading this ‘verse as assume the backstory is same/similar until we learn/remember otherwise.

    2. Liliet

      Leslie has revealed that her family reacted badly to her coming out and she was disowned and had to find her own path in life, during that one lesson after Becky’s arrival.

      1. Cerberus

        This. It’s also implied that she either spent some time homeless or knew people who did while connecting with the overall queer community and rebuilding her life from her disownment.

  48. Spencer

    Mike is definitely one of those kids with a deviantart account where his likes reads “manipulating fools” and all his artwork is recolours of Shadow the Hedgehog.

    1. Cerberus

      Heh. Nice.

    2. Rutee

      ..god dammit that’s good XD

      1. Spencer

        His name is Deathblood and he’s Shadow’s long lost brother and he’s stronger and he goes Super with the Blood Emeralds which only he can use and he’s best friends with Goku.

        1. Rutee

          Nah, he’s besties with Vegeta or Piccolo; Goku’s too funloving and nice (Though maybe not in his AU….). Also, edgelords ALWAYS call him Kakarot, because it’s his true saiyajin name, which matters way more.

        2. Spencer

          I like that you remembered the original name that was butchered by gaijin dubbers.

  49. Orion Fury

    Upon hearing that Mike keeps a file on everyone he comes into contact with for exploitable information, and stating how bad that is, his next thought isn’t “Why am I friends with you?” it’s “Wonder what he says about me.”

    Either Ethan knows some redeeming quality about Mike that we’ve yet to see, or really is that far into self-hating.

    Thoughts?

    1. Cerberus

      I think that impulse is why Mike’s first entry says “always looking for new ways to hate himself”.

  50. Idontcarenomore

    I think Mike just has no use for stupid people. And he sees a lot of what is going on around him as just stupid. He is one of those people that never gets encumbered with others or their problems, so he has no problem judging them.

    Carla feels the same imo, but Carla does get involved and then moves on it in a very straight forward way: pick Billy up and throw her into Ruth’s room.
    I don’t think he feels superior to others, just more self reliant.

    Mike gets the message across, but in a far more devious manner. Note that he does not actually hurt people, he just screws with their heads. The closest I saw him come to showing a bit of protective feelings for anyone, was for Joyce away back when.

    I love Mike, you know just where you stand with him, and can’t say that about most people.

    1. Elisto

      I don’t know, I kind of wonder if Mike does feel encumbered by other people’s problems, but doesn’t want to, and that’s why he’s a jerk to them…which would make him more like Carla, admittedly, but then, I’m not sure just how similar or different they really are.

    2. Cerberus

      If he is, I see him as more that particular flavor of 18-year old boy who believes that he has no use for stupid people and everyone is stupid around him and that gives him free pass to fuck with them, but does so because he’s not aware of how young and ignorant he really is about the world.

      He strikes me as the type of white 18-year-old cis boy who’s misinterpreted having an easy middle class life devoid of many bigotries or emotional baggage as some sort of reward for his cleverness (I mean, his friends are Ethan and Amber/AG who both have abusive parents who’ve fucked with their heads and Mike has consistently sneared at that and exploited it rather than actually help out or do anything to counter their abusive parents*).

      And I would disagree that he hasn’t hurt people. His actions have directly robbed Amber/AG and Ethan of support networks at crucial emotional moments and played on fears in such a way as to exacerbate existing emotional problems. So emotional hurt he’s done and Joe would attest he’s done physical hurt as well. Mostly to his FAAAAAAACE.

      *I find the most telling fact of Mike to be that when it came to pick up the pieces of each other’s parents, it was Ethan or Amber/AG who did it, not Mike. Amber/AG spent all summer fighting with Ethan’s mom to try and get her to accept Ethan’s gayness. Ethan is the one with the history of de-escalation tactics for panic attacks and has experience confronting abusive dads. We know Mike knew them during these rough times, but where was he when they needed someone? Worse, he doesn’t even stand back and let them handle things. He actively tries to make things worse, because his friends’ neuroses and damages from abuse are his idea of a fun thing to play with.

      1. Tyler Durham

        I’m not sure I agree with that. Mike rarely if ever seems happy. I think that he gets frustrsted by people when they act on ways he sees as hypocritical or counter to their own best interests or others. And in a story like this one, that means he’s pretty much constantly irritated.

        1. Cerberus

          That’s even worse though.

          Someone who ruins everyone else’s life around him because he’s bored and hating his life and taking it out on everyone else is an objectively worse thing than a sadist who enjoys people’s suffering, because at least the sadist presumably has or can develop the self-awareness to find healthy ways of building a life so as to express those desires in kink or the like, whereas the bored nihilist will turn to anything to distract themselves from how much they hate their middle-of-the-road existence.

    3. Fart Captor

      I don’t think Mike and Carla’s motivations for being jerks are alike at all. They’re not even the same type of jerk!

      Carla is basically just abrasive and a bit annoying to live near. We’ve never seen her target someone specific to irritiate or offend, except the time when Mary ruined her skates and brought that pie on herself. Otherwise, she just her own thing for her own amusement, without regard for whether she’s bothering people. When she talks to people, she’s always snarky or a bit rude, but even her insults never really get personal. The only time I could find her making comments intended to hurt someone’s feelings were in that argument with Walky, and that was directed at his favorite show, not him. Like, even with Mary it seems like Carla was only trying to make her angry. Even when she’s really mad, she seems to be pulling her punches (both literal and figurative). She makes it very clear that she doesn’t care what you think of her. I could be projecting a little, but I don’t believe she’s nearly as misanthropic as she would have people believe. She just doesn’t seem to think that the odds of people not being shitty garbage people aren’t good enough to be worth giving them a chance, so she’d rather preemptively tell them to fuck off.

      Mike, on the other hand, says stuff that is clearly intentionally mean. Sometimes downright cruel. And he says these things to his friends. Sometimes he does point out people’s hippocracy or deliver a painful truth someone needs to hear, but most of the time, he’s just hurtful. Sometimes its mild enough to feel like playful ribbing, but usually it just seems like he just wants to see how people will react. Maybe if we had the slightest clue as to why he’s so inclined to lash out at the people close to him, I’d be more forgiving, but we haven’t seen anything yet. I think I might actually find him more interesting if it were just impossible to figure out if he’s actually on anyone’s side but his own.

      In any case, its going to take a lot more than two or even three dudes kissing for Mike to get off my shit list.

  51. poofdepoof

    Don’t wanna be that guy but… who is Ethan looking at in panel 4?

  52. Just for kix

    >> ass that won’t quit

    Is this an innuendo?

  53. Sageress

    …Why the hell does Mike think being gay is something he can use for blackmail? That’s fucked up, even for him.

    1. Rutee

      I don’t think it’s meant to be blackmail. I think it’s meant to be there so he can remember it if a scheme calls for it. If you’re willing to include fucking people in your plans, knowing their sexual preferences is useful.

    2. timemonkey

      Mike doesn’t do blackmail.

    3. Cerberus

      Because it gives him social power over the person thanks to societal homophobia. I mean, I don’t think he’s planning to blackmail Danny, probably just try and baseline fuck with him and hurt him for shits and giggles, but he’s a big fan of exploiting societal imbalances of power to punch down on someone already being fucked over.

      1. timemonkey

        You do remember he treats people in social power the same way he treats everyone else right? And he’s never been stated to be straight.

        1. Spencer

          When? Every person Mike’s fucked with has been by taking advantage of some form of societally punished problem they deal with, like slutshaming Dorothy.

          What’s he going to say to Jason or Leslie?

        2. Cerberus

          Nope. He really doesn’t:

          Ethan vs Chik fil A, he punches down attacking Ethan for going there rather than doing a single thing to fight the corporation hurting his friend.

          Amber vs her dad, he punches down telling her that she’s becoming like him and is never noted by Ethan or Amber to have done anything to intervene or help.

          Ethan vs his family, he punches down “joking” about how he should closet himself. Again, Ethan has talked about how hard Amber fought with his family for acceptance for him, but Mike was conspicuously absent.

          Sal vs Jason, he punches down slut-shaming Sal about sleeping with the teacher for grades, even though it’s Jason who’s committed the ethical violation and has the power if the relationship turns sour (and which he has used to try and shame her and attack her because he couldn’t take responsibility for his actions).

          Dorothy vs sexism, he punches down, taken pictures of her being sexual, knowing and shitting on her ambitions to be president instead of once speaking out about sexism or the double-standard.

          He’s never once been shown to go after someone with authority. Not once has he gone after his friends’ parents who are canon abusive. Not once has he gone after corrupt authority or bigoted institutions. Not once has he gone after anyone with the power to legitimately have consequences befall them.

          I mean, yes, he’s not straight, he’s very very queer himself, but he still takes advantage of social bigotries where he can to attack those with the least power in the situation. And he does this reliably enough that it’s a noticeable pattern.

  54. doubleW

    ass for days

  55. BenRG

    Mike is… He’s just so hard to read sometimes. He makes a huge show of being antisocial and a total asshole. Then he refuses to show Ethan his file and gives the strong impression that he doesn’t want to add to the other man’s already long list of neuroses.

    I don’t know… Maybe Walkyverse Amber was right and, in the end, he’s more sad than bad.

    1. thejeff

      Or he’s just saying that to add to Ethan’s list of neuroses.

  56. Undrave

    So Mike… ever tried American Football? In Japan?

    1. Darkoneko

      …i see what you did there.

  57. StClair

    Can’t shake the feeling that if Ethan’s seeing this, it’s because it serves Mike’s purpose to do (and explain) it in front of him. This is entirely deliberate.

  58. Lordess of Madness

    That’s awful, that’s monstrous, that’s Mike. I feel like he might get along with Carla…

    1. BenRG

      Quite frankly, Carla lacks the level of malice to really appreciate Mike. Additionally, she lacks sufficient neuroses for him to try to play on. It would be a… confusing interaction for him.

      1. Cerberus

        I feel like Mike v Carla would destroy him. Because he’d try the whole attack from privilege thing he’s done against Sal and Ethan and Dorothy and… so on, and Carla would do that magic she does.

        Other universe Mike would have had a chance and probably would have come out on top, but this universe Mike is just an asshole kid.

        1. Rukduk

          My money would 100% be on Carla. She would destroy him, mould him into a new form, destroy that form, and then reshape the teeny tiny fragments into something she thought was more useful.

  59. Schol-R-LEA

    Are you sure that isn’t the file on me?

  60. Falling Star

    Yeah, everyone’s like that.

  61. Carms

    His face in the last one explains why they can be friends. Which in turn explains mike and amber’s friend status. Both Ethan and amber are way more terrible to themselves than mike could ever manage.

  62. Silly Name

    I… I’m terrified. This is going into new, uncomfortable territories.

    (I am aware of my gravatar and the following irony)

  63. Me

    Mike is a genious asshole. I like Mike. if there were enough Mike’s in the world I think they would do good even if they did it for bad reasons. Instead of genius assholes we mostly have average and sub-average assholes. They are a lot less fun.

  64. Charles Phipps

    I think Mike in this universe just enjoys screwing with people and causing them pain based on his own self-satisfaction. In effect, he’s that hipster guy from the 90s that Wyonna Ryder fell in love with in Reality Bites. The problem is (why he’s funny and not monstrous) is that everyone is too screwed up to make worse.

    Ethan, for example, took his joking suggestion to recloset himself seriously and then did it further–shocking Mike. Ethan’s reaction also screws up any plans as he’s interested in the fact Mike is spying on him as bacteria under a microscope.

    1. Cerberus

      He’s an edgelord.

      Hurting people for shits and giggles. Always punching down, never actually taking a single risk for punching up. Making his friends lives worse for knowing him as much as they try and make excuses for his bad behavior on the basis of having known him for awhile. Hell, he’s even done the harass a woman for daring to exist in “his” space thing.

      He may have been a force of nature in the other universe, but in this universe, he’s basically that kid who’s watched too much South Park and uses an anime avatar with an “ironic” nazi armband on Twitter.

      1. timemonkey

        How could he punch up? We haven’t met anyone ‘up’ yet. And since he doesn’t have any actual power over anyone, or even any real friends he’s not exactly punching down either.

        1. Rutee

          Uh what!? No, he absolutely has had power over some folks. He’s slapped it in Sal’s face in particular, and used the EXACT SAME power against Dorothy – society’s distaste for women fucking actively.

          How would he punch up? …At a cast member, that’s a good question, given that the bulk of the cast is women, but some political ideas and institutions still exist.

        2. Cerberus

          Easily?

          I mean, I’ll take two examples.

          One, berating Ethan for eating at Chik-fil-A because of their anti-gay policies. He punches down at Ethan for “betraying his principles and identity” for eating there. Except he’s in a Chik-fil-A. I mean, he shouldn’t go off on the poor workers who have no real power, but he absolutely could be protesting the chain or doing genuine activism against homophobic corporations and their bigotry.

          But he does none of that. He just mocks Ethan for it, because to him, homophobic corporations are just a tool for fucking with his gay friend.

          But the worst is his interaction with Sal about sleeping with Jason:

          http://www.dumbingofage.com/2014/comic/book-4/02-i-was-a-teenage-churchmouse/assignments/

          He straight-up slut-shames her for sleeping with the TA, implies that that’s the only way she could have done well on the test and acknowledges the system is broken when Sal calls him out on it.

          And he does nothing to Jason. Doesn’t snark at him about sleeping with students, doesn’t report him to the teacher even though it would be super easy because Jason is breaching major ethical violations by sleeping with a student, doesn’t even call Jason out on his shit and tell him to knock it off.

          He attends class every day, mostly interacting with Jason and has been with his friends as they’ve been very close physically to Jason, and does nothing against the person with power and the ability to fuck with his grade if he was to raise a fuss.

          But he takes the time to slut-shame Sal. The one without power. The one Jason creeped on and solicited long before Sal decided to jump him.

          And that I feel encapsulates his cowardice and character. He has so much ample opportunity and time if he actually cared to go after the forces with power, to do the least possible, but he never does. He only cares about bigotries in that it lets him shit on the people targeted by them.

          And that’s what I mean by punching down. He reinforces systems of oppression against those on the bottom and uses those systems to fuck with his “targets” and has favored tactics like the slut-shaming of women which are ones in which he very much has privilege and power in comparison. He never once takes on bigoted authority or people with the power to take him down.

          And the thing is, we’ve seen what an asshole punching up looks like. We saw Carla and her response to Mary, taking her power back and going after the person lording their quite literal power over her thanks to her blackmail of the RA.

          But Mike is a coward. And not half the person Carla is.

  65. Bobcat2022

    Skimming the comments here suggests I’m not as alone in my years-long distaste for Mike as I thought. That’s comforting.

    My reading of this particular strip, meanwhile, has me wondering Mike and Dina (DoA-verse) may have more in common than I’d previously thought.

  66. Cerberus

    Oh jeez, Ethan, dump this asshole “friend” already.

    Amber/AG would be well-rid of him too. Just get rid of his toxic company and ways of harming your ability to talk shit out and start recovering from your respective traumas. Not every high school friendship is worth putting on life support and when you have to beg him not to fuck over your new friends for shits and giggles should be the giant red flag to stop letting him fuck over your life.

    1. thejeff

      Sadly, neither of them are in a state where they can push away “friends” like that.

  67. Briny

    Why would anyone want this guy around? In Walky! , they were working against an alien invasion, he had powers, and since virtually everyone had trauma there, he could be seen as venting. In Shortpacked, they worked together, and there was (at bare minimum) a paycheck involved if you tolerated him.

    i can vaguely see why the audience likes him, and I can see Willis wants a shit-stirrer character, but what possible benefit is there for the characters?

  68. Aprion

    at this point they both deserve whatever mike does to them. because they are both idiots.

  69. LordHaw

    I must say I am glad that I never knew anyone who was like Mike. Not to that degree of assholery anyway.

  70. Emily

    It was so pleasant having a nice long stretch without Mike around to be unbearable. At least Mary has an actual motivation for being a horse’s ass Mike just does it for its own sake.

    1. Mr.Morningstar

      i dunno Mikes dickishness is pretty much just played for laughs 99% of the time and rarely leads to any negative effects to the characters. And in general he isnt fueled by any religious, racial or sexual bigotry he just likes fucking with people.

      Either that or his shittyness leads to things that benefit characters in the long run since he usually points out their behavior that they know is wrong which if MIKE is calling you out on your shit then you know you got a problem. Which usually leads to a change (or attempt at change) by the character.

      Thats how it was in shortpacked at least.

      1. Kamino Neko

        The only time Mike hasn’t led to things getting worse was when he tried to fuck with Dorothy. He’s responsible for Ethan trying to crawl back into the closet, he’s contributed to Amber’s continued mental health degradation, he triggered the Whiteboard Ding Dong Bandit.

        1. timemonkey

          Actually, Ethan deliberately ignored Mike’s point, he pointed out the dangers of Amber’s dating behaviour (and she has since gone on to prove his statement entirely true) and with Joyce he forced her to acknowledge the extent of her pain and actually tell someone about it.

        2. Spencer

          Blaine was well known for his tendency to completely break contact away from his wife over a perceived slight while he was in the midst of a mental breakdown.

          I’m not sure if that, or you insisting that Mike orchestrating an event that ultimately ended up with Joyce having PTSD over being sexually assaulted was a good thing, is worse.

        3. Rutee

          He’s referring to her actually abusing Danny verbally, and trying to cut off his contact from a friend of his, as well as turn his ex- against him.

          Like, it’s not a long history of any given behavior, none of which Mike could have fairly predicted, but let’s not pretend she’s done NOTHING.

        4. Spencer

          She didn’t tell Ethan he wasn’t allowed to talk to Danny, she said that he was Persona Non Grata to her.

          And her single instance of outright verbally abusing Danny was almost swearing at him, whereupon she burst into tears, compartmentalized it as more proof that she’s irredeemable shit, and ran away to her alter so she could tell Danny that Amber is an asshole and her actions were inexcusable. Amazi-Girl flipped out on Danny because he “betrayed” her and she decided she had to cut him off the same way Danny did when he thought Amber was going to make him cheat on Amazi-Girl. Hugely different circumstances, for sure, and the very next day Danny tried to make it right whereas Amber’s content with skulking in her room blaming Sal for global warming, but Amber’s dealing with a different set of cards than he was then.

          As for Dorothy, yeah that’s a huge dick move on her part, y’got me there. Like, it goes beyond even her flipping out on Danny because he “betrayed” her by talking to Sal, since she clearly stated she doesn’t want him in her life anymore; there’s really no reason why she has to involve Dorothy other than to be an asshole, like, it’s even different than her going “I HATE DANNY FOREVER” to Ethan, since he’s her best friend and Dorothy is more Danny’s ex than Amazi-Girl’s Jimmy Olsen. So, yeah, it was super shitty of her to do that, and I’m hoping some later development builds on it (that hopefully being Dorothy realizes that Danny is totally right to be concerned for Amber and that she needs to stop being Amazi-Girl).

          I just don’t think every slight on her part is working up her abuser score, or that Mike was correct to tell her she was doomed long before she started acting even remotely cross with anybody, let alone since every action she takes in that regard is because of all this built up, untreated trauma. Like, doesn’t it seem inherently reductive to say that every negative action an abuse victim takes is them “becoming their abuser?”

          I’m biased, it’s the cudgel I’ve spent a long time beating myself with, so it makes me hugely uncomfortable that so many people agree with Mike’s assessment that Amber was just doomed to become her father.

        5. Rutee

          Amazi-girl sees Danny talk to Sal.

          “What are you doing with her.”

          Amazi-girl sees Ethan talk to Danny

          You think the response is going to be particularly dissimilar? I won’t be surprised if he gets worked into a Deceiver minion in the narrative. Like yeah, ‘persona non grata’ might mean nothing but ‘I don’t want to see him’, in which case good on her, but the evidence we’ve seen on screen suggests otherwise. It can be superseded later, but it’s not going to be my first guess just because I want to assume the best in light of what I’ve already seen. But I’ll be glad if I’m wrong.

          And yes, she felt bad after abusing Danny. There’s a reason I’m being measured here. She was immediately like “what have I done”, which is much better than just flippantly doing it and walking away, or continuing. But she still reduced him to a smalltext ‘I’m sorry’.

          Like, she’s not An Abuser, yet. She’s done like 5 things I think? She has done abusive things, though. But she’s not gotten to making it a way of life yet, and she’s not making his life enough of a hell as an ex- yet. (Plus, afaik, breaking up with someone is not generally part of an extended abuser strategy? I mean, threatening it can be, but actually doing it seems counterproductive?) But no, she isn’t ‘doomed to become like her father’. But right now, she /is/ being somewhat abusive. I don’t know that /Amazi-girl/ will stop, but she definitely can, and likely will.

        6. Spencer

          Yeah, that’s fair. Amber’s going down a really dark, dark path regarding her own belief that she has to box her rage and her villainizing of Sal, and it’s pushing her to do some really terrible shit.

          Like, I guess the way I see it is that Amber’s story isn’t that she’s “becoming her dad”, it’s that she knows that Blaine shaped a lot about her, and the mistakes she’s making now is in response to that. She’s trying so hard to push herself away from what she thinks she’s doomed to be that she’s turning herself into something worse and giving more and more power to an alter ego.

          As for Danny and Ethan, well, we’re seeing Ethan hang out with Amber next chapter the latest, so it’ll probably come up then. I guess the way I see it is that Amber wants Ethan to be happy, and if they’re friends she wouldn’t want to get in the way of that even if it means he’s spending time with someone she now hates? But, yeah, no real way of knowing until we get there. It could just as easily be her going “Ethan you can’t see him he’s been corrupted by the evil one.”

          And, yeah, that is a good point about how Danny responded to her freakout over kissing her, that his first response is to assume it’s his fault and meekly apologize is a really bad sign. Not necessarily for Amber, Danny would do that for any partner, but I can see why it would push Amber to “protect” Danny from her by keeping him with Amazi-Girl, that’s what I thought he point of her “This is why, Danny, this is why” line.

        7. Cerberus

          Spencer-

          That. She’s given so much power to a dangerous alter because she’s so scared of becoming her dad and hoping the “golden” alter can “save” her from that “destiny”.

          And by doing so, she’s replicating certain forms of her abuse because she believes that internalizing and replicating that abuse is only something the “broken” Amber alter can do.

          It’s really tragic and I guarantee Mike’s words have contributed a fair deal to how she’s reacted to her Sal-induced panic-attacks and homicidal ideation.

  71. Tenchan

    Ah, the Three Stooges of the Dumbiverse:

    Mike as Moe,
    Ethan as Larry,
    and Danny as Curly.

  72. Javlaoierin

    YAY MIKE

  73. Darkoneko

    Mary likely hides HER notes in the bible she often carries.

  74. Ashley

    Considering Mike has known Ethan for a while, I’m sure his file is considerably bigger.
    Also thanks to alt text my hopes for Mike crushing on Ethan have doubled.

  75. nothri

    Okay, Ethan, I respect your decision to be friends with Mike over here but….how have you known him that long and failed to understand that he is a monster? I mean….come on, dude!

  76. Joshua Petersen

    The look on Mike’s face… suddenly realizing his evil could be used for good… people want to know his exploits list so they can figure out how to better themselves from it. He’s going to have nightmares.

    The best revenge against Mike… make him feel like he’s doing good.

  77. Beachfox

    Mike is rediculously attracted to Ethan and hates himself a little for it. “I mean, common, he’s a massive bundle of neurosis, completely hopeless, ass that wont quit, every one of his exes is insane…”

  78. Scrounge

    He HAS an ass that won’t quit, or he IS an ass that won’t quit?

    1. Spencer

      Yes.

  79. Mel

    I hate to agree with Mike when he’s being that conniving, but his observations are on the nose why I think Ethan and Danny need to get some space before getting together. Getting into the relationship now has the huge potential to play into Danny’s self-esteem defined by who he’s dating just after Dorothy and Amber, and Ethan’s “finding a new way of hating himself” due to his conflicting relationship with Amber. It’d be nice if those pitfalls got a little patched first. Not that Mike’s a good person for pointing that out so bluntly, or that it’s not unfortunate, but he’s not WRONG.

  80. Keulan

    Why am I not surprised that Mike keeps files on people to better plan his assholery?

  81. Chad From Canada

    Mike is like Evil Batman. He has files on how to destroy everyone.
    Please give me a Mike arc. I miss his Walky and Shortpacked days. I need some evil in my life. There is no one I love to hate more than Mike. And end it with someone finding out his secret and manipulating him with it for their own gains. It will be glorious.

  82. Emily Crowe

    I have a friend who actually does this. On skype she has everyone listed by their real names, and their meyers-briggs personality type as well.

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