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Crimson Squad
Posted on June 7, 2013 by David M Willis
Last three days for the Book 2 Kickstarter!  It ends Monday at noon (EST), so if you wanna grab a print or magnet or one of the other rewards along with a book, this weekend's your last chance!

130 thoughts on “Crimson Squad”

  1. ASmellyOgre

    Well, I can respect Billie for placing being with Ruth above being found half-naked and smelling of alcohol and sick.

    1. NightmareWarden

      Would this situation be okay if she was instead found BY half-naked firefighters rather than found half-naked BY fire fighters?
      And another thing, wouldn’t most people know about Billie’s…situation due to the existence of social media?

  2. Wonder Wig

    I guess getting found half-naked by firemen doesn’t work the same way in real life as it does in porn.

    1. ASmellyOgre

      A little bit too much alcohol for that.

    2. Aras Pabedinskas

      In what porno situation would a fireman, in full regalia, find a half-naked person, and not imediately need to leg it from whereever they were?
      “Oh it’s getting so hot in here, maybe you should take your coat off…”
      “Maam, the building might collapse on top of us, we need to get out now!”
      “SEX FIRST!”

      1. ASmellyOgre

        You overestimate porn.

        1. Aras Pabedinskas

          I don’t know why I pressed that link…

        2. Geegles

          I know why I did. And it delivered. Sexiest thing I ever did see

        3. Doctor_Who

          Dear God, please tell me that was all ad-libbed. I refuse to believe that someone sat down and wrote that.

          New Kickstarter idea: raise money to make a version of that scene starring Tommy Wiseau and Kristen Stewart.

          Then we will finally have a film that will drive those fools on the Satellite of Love completely mad!

        4. Tucker

          That is some Clayton Forrester level shit right there.

        5. Plasma Mongoose

          Sparkly Lemonade?

        6. Ragnal

          Wow, I’ve NEVER laughed this hard at porn before.

        7. Scott

          I saw a really funny lesbian porno once. They were having an orgy and this guy came in, all hot and bothered, and the women saw him and were like, “Get the hell out of here!” XD

        8. davidbreslin101

          Kind of the opposite of that “Smack the Pony” dating-site-video sketch. “Er, hi there, we’re a young lesbian couple, and we’d really like to meet a seedy-looking older man to, you know, watch. [aside] No-one’s going to go for this, are they.”

        9. molochmachine

          I was really hoping that would be what i thought it was. It did not disappoint. Well done.

        10. Neospector

          On the contrary, most people tend to underestimate it.

        11. ICSM

          This may be, in fact, the funniest thing I saw in the last 10 years. Thank you.

      2. Ross_Varn

        They wouldn’t be negotiation, is the thing. There’s a reason that when you sling someone over your shoulder they call it the fireman’s carry.

        Porn…

      3. nothri

        “In what porno situation would a fireman, in full regalia, find a half-naked person, and not imediately need to leg it from whereever they were?”

        Well, duh. And then the story continues, to wit-
        “Oh noes, Token Handsome Firefighter, for though you have saved me, token buxom blonde, from the ravaging fires, it has now sunk in that I have nowhere to live or sleep, and my poorly timed yet lavishly filmed shower has left me in naught but a towel as the fire hath consumed all I did own. Wouldst thou spareth a bed upon which I might sleep, and in exchange I shall repay thee for your lifesavery with acts of a strictly carnal nature?”

        “Tis an equitable arrangement, young miss.”

        And then they bone.

        1. Andiemus

          This is even funnier if you choose to read it in the voice of The Cinema Snob.

        2. Lieutenant Dan

          Also funny as Jon Lovitz, Gilbert Goffried, or Bob Goldthwait.

          Also Morgan Freeman, but only the “bone” line.

        3. N0083rP00F

          Morgan Freeman – win

          May I suggest Patrick Stewart in his best Shakespearean voice.

        4. Jeff K!

          Patrick Stewart in his best Shakespearean voice, on basically the exact opposite end of the spectrum:

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hA7lv1SDzno

    3. saltchocolate

      Being found drunk and half-naked is better than being found naked and half-drunk…

  3. Uniqueantique

    Good on you Billie, you did the decent thing.

  4. xain

    because if billie got shot down by that fireman she’d be so frustrated that she would have to join a nunnery

    1. rachel

      and that would be good for literally no one, ever

      COME ONNNNN 50K

      1. Doctor_Who

        I could see it being like a cross between Sister Act and Bring it On.

        Instead of teaching the choir to sing, she turns them into a cheerleader squad, and they win the big contest by doing a cheer routine about Jesus.

        Needless to say, one of the nuns would be Joyce. Mary could be the grumpy mother superior who does NOT approve of these shenanigans.

        1. Bemmie

          Great, now I can’t get skimpy cheerleading nun habits out of my head… and this thread already has too many bad porn links…

        2. brionl

          Bring it, Sister!

      2. Totz the Plaid

        Agreed! Billie hiding dem curves under a nun outfit would, ironically, be a sin!

      3. Dimrow

        We’re not going to make it! We’re not going to get that wonderful 75k reward either. This is truly saddening.

        1. David

          i am so relieved

        2. someguywithakatana

          You didn’t wanna do it? I thought you liked drawing people doing things

        3. ArkhamTexan

          I’m actually wishing I had $25k to spend on a kickstarter now. You’d be the most uncomfortable-looking dude receiving that much money I would ever have seen. But if the girlfriend won’t let me spend $30k on a scale if I had the money, I doubt she’d be happy with me giving $25k to a Kickstarter to push it over the edge to draw comic sex scenes.

  5. WikiDreamer

    Well now Billie, way to set the standard by being the “sacrificial lamb” so to speak. Still, Ruthless, what pushed you to drink, I’m SO wanting to know this! >w<

    1. C.

      Billie’s rejection?

      1. Yotomoe

        I hate alcohol and Billie’s rejection would push me to drink.

  6. AgentKeen

    The thickening plot thickens further… or something…

    I have to say, Ruth really has ‘soul-less stare of not giving a flying f*ck’ down really well.

    1. GoogerGeiger

      That tends to happen when you’re really drunk.

      1. Tualha

        Or deeply depressed. Which she also is, sounds like.

  7. Kschenke

    I’m really loving the character development of Billie so far.

  8. timemonkey

    It’s okay Ruth, I still hate you. I hope you get over whatever your problems are, but I’ll still hate you. Because it’s important to remain consistent.

  9. Kernanator

    Awww, Billie can have empathy for fellow humans!

    1. Yotomoe

      Naw. She only relates to people who are drunk. It’s the alcohol inside her looking out for the alcohol inside Ruth.

      1. Kernanator

        Drink in the alcohol that drinks in you?

  10. Taigan

    Wait, so is that last line implying that Billie was half naked for the SUV incident? While driving? Iiiiiinteresting.

    1. Yotomoe

      You don’t drive naked? You’re missing out.

    2. Toad

      I presume it had something to do with the party.

    3. Dicrel Seijin

      Well, yes. I got the impression that Billie was speaking from experience and not proposing a hypothetical situation.

      Still I find her naive to think firefighters will actually show up–I can’t count the number of alarms the dorms I lived in had. I saw a fire truck once and that was because there was an actual fire.

      1. turbanous

        It’s not that far fetched. At my dorm we always had to wait for the fire truck to show up before we could go back in. Which sucks when it’s 3am, and you in shorts and a tshirt while its snowing

        1. nimoy

          Same here. Kicked out into the snowy New England winter until the truck came. But I went to a women’s college, and there was always the token het-couple hopping around in the cold wearing towels while the guy looked like a wanted to crawl under a rock and die. So it wasn’t all bad.

  11. timemonkey

    I do think it’s interesting that drinking took away something she clearly loved and yet her solution was to drink even more.

    1. Kernanator

      It’s the Drinker’s Paradox, which is totally a scientific law.

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        Mkes me glad to be a teetotaller.

        1. N0083rP00F

          They must just love you at amusement parks on the Teacup rides.
          … OMG, its a three cup collision and a coffee mug … Oh the Humanity … or is it the Humidity?

        2. Plasma Mongoose

          I love dodgem cars.

    2. John

      Alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems!

  12. NaptownSnake

    This made me wonder, do we know where any of the characters went to high school ? If they went to an actual existing school, as opposed to a fictionalized one ?

    1. David

      Billie’s high school is fictionalized. Dunno about everyone else’s.

  13. Yotomoe

    Could be worse. At least that tree wasn’t like…a person. No offence to any trees in the comments section.

    1. xain

      the treants are very offended

      1. Aras Pabedinskas

        Don’t worry, you’ll have days to escape them.

        1. Gigafreak

          RUN, FOREST, RUN

    2. Toad

      I identify as tree-kin and this comment triggered me.

      1. Tualha

        We’ll try not to flame you, then.

    3. Sailor_Arashi

      I’d like to be a tree.

      1. N0083rP00F

        Just turn over a new leaf.
        We’re rooting for you.

      2. Totz the Plaid

        Fluttershy? Your avatar of Mike doesn’t suit you…

  14. Luzahn

    Stick by that Ruth, Billie. You’re not a bad person. Also, she’s usually adorable.

    1. begbert2

      …Usually? Somebody has a short memory. For the first couple years Ruth was consistently somewhere between jerkass and eldrich abomination.

      1. Luzahn

        To Billie; once you know why she’s doing it it’s adorable. Plus, remember how she acted towards Walky?

  15. Victor Riley

    Wait… since when did Resident Assistants get and see “files” on people?

    1. begbert2

      She’s willing to break into a dorm room and steal a shirt. What makes you think she’d stay out of the school offices?

  16. Victor Riley

    And if it was after senior year ended… she would have graduated, and wouldn’t have been on the high school cheerleading team anyway.

    Or is the “Crimson Squad” the cheerleaders for the college?

    Or are there still high-school competitions for seniors during the summer after they graduate? (Don’t know personally of these things…)

    1. Toad

      That’s the colleges squad she was rejected from, yes.

    2. Jackson

      Crimson Squad is IU’s cheerleading team, according to my Googling.

      1. Luzahn

        Strange that that is a real thing. It still sounds to me like the name of some generic evil organization.

        …and now of course I’m imagining Billie in a red leather jumpsuit.

        1. Cybersnark

          Yeah, it made me think of the Crimson Guard too.

          Unsurprising that Destro would have such strict ethical behaviour guidelines for his private army. It’s about Professionalism.

    3. Aras Pabedinskas

      Okay, now things make a bit more sense. Man, wholesome image type groups suck, anyway. One bad thing and they act like you have nothing to offer the world. Why would something like that even matter to a cheerleading team anyway?

      I’m going to bed. I’m complaining about things I don’t really care about, and I really don’t know why.

      1. CallMeIshmael

        Hypocritical as it may be, schools tend to be much harder on underage drinking for non-money making sports. My sister lost her spot on her university tennis team for an underage drinking citation. A football or basketball player wouldn’t necessarily have that problem because they’re bringing in TONS of money for the school, though if the situation was severe enough they’d be suspended/stripped of scholarships as well. But it’d have to be unmistakably fucked up.

      2. davidbreslin101

        That kind of thing pees me off too. I’m glad I only know corrupt, cynical and disreputable people these days…

      3. StClair

        I’m certain that if she had gotten on the squad, her “moral failing” would have eventually been found out and primly tsk-tsked by a whole bunch of hypocritical alumni and/or “concerned members of the community.” This isn’t something confined to certain groups, it’s a pervasive societal thing.

  17. Saru

    But reverse psychology always works when you’re drunk! Right?

  18. LeChoji

    Am I the only one that’s hoping for this ship to be official.

    And trust me if its not my rage shall be embodied as the best Billie X Ruth fanfic ever written

    1. Platinakettu

      No you are not.
      But I only started shipping them after Ruth had few beers with Billie.

      Also if you do a Fanfic I will must definately want to read it.

    2. begbert2

      I’m okay with this ship sailing, but it started in the middle of very rough waters and surrounded by rocky shoals. It’s possible for it to navigate out of that, but it needs to be very careful and take it slow.

      Like, at least one day of in-universe time minimum. Maybe even a day and a half.

  19. Kernanator

    This also answers the question of “If Billie thinks being a cheerleader is so important, why doesn’t she just join the college squad?”

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      Maybe they don’t allow booze hounds to join.

      1. NaptownSnake

        That is basically what Billie was saying. That her DUI prevented her from joining.

        1. Tualha

          Yeah, ’cause it’s perfectly alright to sexualize young adult women by putting them in skimpy clothing and having them dance around for a large audience, but getting drunk isn’t whoooooolesome. Right.

    2. Notebooked

      Wasn’t it a mix of that and that she wanted to build her reputation before trying out?

      1. David

        Billie would never want to build her reputation before trying out. Being a cheerleader IS her reputation.

  20. ShaggyDonahugh

    This ship staying in port with nothing to show for it besides fanfiction, or seeing a visual representation of Billie and Ruth getting massive ladyboners for eachother…..
    Decisions decisions…..

  21. Cheryl

    Why would you hate that last part. thats like a whet dream right there!

    1. wakawakawaka

      Duh!

    2. Doctor_Who

      Oh god, and the gravatar! I’m still laughing.

  22. nothri

    Dear Ruth, drunkenly saying how much you suck and how so and so should feel about you after you did shitty things is not what should be happening here.

    “I. Am. Sorry.”

    This is not rocket science. You are clearly TRYING to say this with all the self-loathing crap falling from your mouth, but somehow your managing to dance around it.

    Come on. “I am sorry.” Doooooo it. Whatever else happens, however much or little your relationship to this girl gets screwed up because of everything that happened, the one goddamn thing that will keep haunting you and nagging at you forever that absolutely does not have to is that you apologized from being the bongo you know you were being!

    Also, following it up with a “thanks for saving my dumbass from alcohol poisoning after I was being a total psycho bongo to you instead of just freaking asking you out” would also be excellent. Feel free to paraphrase as you like, you just need to get the jist right.

    1. CallMeIshmael

      You actually think Ruth is sorry? Weird, I read it as her being entirely self-absorbed still.

      1. Kernanator

        Saying “you should hate me” is self-absorbed?

        …You lost me.

        1. Fred

          I don’t know if she has room for “self” with all the alcohol she’s absorbed, but “you should hate me,” is not an apology.
          Like saying “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt” instead of “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” The first is just sympathy.

    2. Platinakettu

      I would prefere that Ruth would say sorry when she is sober. That would have more impact behind it.

      But i trust that Willis will gives an resolution for Ruth awful behaviour. So that they can move forward on their relationship on more healthier terms.

      1. CallMeIshmael

        I am pretty anti-ship on this one. One abusive personality, plus two raging alcoholics is a recipe for disaster. Unless, of course, your dreamboat is burning on a reef with sharks swimming around it.

        Then, by all means, let the trainwreck continue.

    3. T Campbell

      You’re proceeding from the assumption that Ruth wants to be helped. Some part of her does, clearly. But the part that’s in charge of her mouth right now is the same part that drank herself into an alarming state in the first place. She’s trying to get Billie to say “You’re right, you ARE worthless” and leave her to die or get fired or whatever.

      But she’s far from at her best right now, so she doesn’t realize that the best way to get Billie to help you is to want her not to help you.

    4. Tualha

      Uh, gotta disagree with that. It’s quite possible to have something haunt you forever even if you apologized, and even if it was accepted. Not that that’s a reason not to, of course.

    5. Gigafreak

      The problem with being human is that sometimes you make bad decisions.

  23. Plasma Mongoose

    I thought Billie would like being seen half-naked by firemen.

    1. begbert2

      She probably did at the time. But then the Crimson Squad rejected her for it, so it’s less fun in retrospect.

    2. Hotsauce

      I expect “drunk” to be a very important word there.

  24. Nono

    In Billie’s ideal situation, she would have been found by drunk and half-naked firemen.

  25. 6Qubed

    Quiz time: What three words did I no think I’d say when I started reading this?

    “I miss Ruthless.”

  26. Scott

    My first three or so read-throughs of today’s comic had “Crimson Squid” in my brain, which made me think that Billie’s old highschool had some kind of fucking rad blood-soaked Cthulhu mascot.

    1. Lieutenant Dan

      Immediately made me think of this:
      http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1225737959/miskatonic-school-for-girls-deck-building-game

  27. Notebooked

    Hooray, empathy! (On Billie’s side, that is.)

  28. Tom T.

    I get why Billie’s doing what she’s doing, and it’s sweet, but I’m not at all confident that it’s the right thing. Getting popped for DUI and suffering the fallout was part of what helped Billie get herself together enough to get through college and life in general. Protecting Ruth from consequences reduces her incentive to decide she needs help, and it could mean that when Ruth does bottom out, it will be that much harder and more serious.

    1. Tom T.

      My own gravatar apparently disagrees with me.

    2. bunivasal

      What? Billie’s an alcoholic whose only pretension towards improving herself is admitting that she’s an alcoholic. The downward spiral we’ve been seeing for the last two years–indeed, every problem we’ve seen from her–comes after the DUI.

    3. Tualha

      Well, consider. Ruth’s stepfather is apparently a hardass SOB. Will she get what she needs if she’s caught? I suspect not. More likely she’ll get kicked out of school, get a lot of verbal abuse at home, and things will just get worse. And Billie probably has some inkling of that, having overheard an earlier phone conversation between Ruth and her stepdad. OTOH, Billie’s way, she may keep some stability in her life while having the sense to start going to AA or something. If not, well, Billie can wing it from there. It’s worth a try.

  29. Random832

    So, wait… this isn’t the story of her being kicked out of high school cheerleading, as we assumed yesterday, but instead apparently IU cheerleading runs background checks?

  30. sandbridgekid

    Gimme a ‘C’
    Gimme a ‘TH’
    Gimme an ‘UL’
    Gimme a ‘HU’

    What does that spe…..Ahg Ftagn, IA! IA! ..IA!
    The Great Old One rises from the Earth, mindlessly slaying the Cheerleading Squad of Drunk, Half-Naked Co-Eds.

    A Hammer Film

    1. Totz the Plaid

      I’d watch it.

  31. Mo

    Suddenly, an explanation that makes Billie’s first strip completely unfunny!

    1. Kernanator

      I’m just going to quote John, since he said something about this yesterday:

      “Hmm. Of course, there’s also Walky’s comment that they don’t release the names of minors involved in crimes. Billie didn’t know that Sal had been holding up liquor stores; it’s possible Walky didn’t actually know that Billie’d been busted for DUI, and was just giving her shit about the, y’know, drinking like a fish.”

      1. begbert2

        Depending on state law, she may have stopped being a minor when she turned 18. Which may or may not have opened her up to having her drunken misdeeds reported on by the town newspaper.

        1. Kernanator

          It’s also perfectly possible that she graduated high school before she turned 18. Like me.

      2. John

        Wouldn’t change how unfunny it is from Billie’s perspective, anyway. It just makes Walky less of a dick.

        I didn’t turn 18 until a month and a half after I started college. I came in just under the cutoff for starting kindergarten.

        I think I recall Willis saying that all the central characters are at least 18 now, but Billie may not have been at the time of the DUI.

        1. Kernanator

          Holy crap, me too!

          …When’s your birthday? Mine is November 25.

  32. dee

    Wholesome image in the ‘sport’ that’s stereotypically known for short skirts, valuing women by their appearance, and ‘sex with football stars’?

    …okay then.

    1. Narf

      Hey, contradictions are something our society’s excellent at.

  33. Captain man

    I guess Bille and Ruth are on and off with friendship

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