178

Plan
Posted on September 12, 2012 by David M Willis

178 thoughts on “Plan”

  1. Mkvenner

    I’ve never been happier to see Mike.

    1. Frostbite

      Now THAT made me joyous

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        and Joyce so far less joyous.

        1. Effie

          And her mom more joyous

        2. LaurelRaven

          OH so joyous!

          See, she needed that nickel…

        3. Kirt Dankmyer

          She assumes correctly, however.

      2. Nathan

        In the FAAAAAAAAAAAAACE? For a nickel?

    2. Resne

      I have. I was extremely happy to see him in Walky and Dorothy’s class.

  2. Doctor_Who

    Always figured Mike would burst into flames if he entered a church. Or the church would.

    1. Yotomoe

      Your mom burst into flames when Mike entered her….for a nickel.

      1. Blob Marley

        Wow, that one took some serious skill. Well played.

        1. Wixvhen

          About as much skill as Mike has to be getting so much tail for nickles on the booty.

        2. Wonder Wig

          Nickels on the booty is like pounds on the dollar.

        3. CWR

          Or reserving your place in line – like quarters lined up on an arcade machine. Except you’re not haveing sex with the arcade machine.

          At least, I never did – it would give a whole new meaning to earning an extra ball…

        4. Tucker

          I was going to add to the joke… but then I thought of this ridiculous snowmobile arcade game that was on the ferry the last time I took it (I was going to PAX). It vibrated so hard that it shook the floor for 6 feet in every direction.

          I bought a game and convinced my buddy’s girlfriend to pay it. Then I asked for an evaluation – for science!

        5. 3DSarge

          Nickels on the Booty is a bongoin’ band name…

        6. 3DSarge

          Nickels on the Booty would make a great band name…

        7. Skruff

          I’d pay money to see that… but only a nickel.

        8. Makkabee

          Well played!

        9. Thisguy

          What would happen if you saw that show, and the opening act was Nickelback?

        10. Random Guy

          Yet pounds on the booty is not a thing?

        11. Blue

          Fivepence on the booty?

        12. LaurelRaven

          Oh, it’s a thing.

          Wait…you mean currency. Nevermind.

    2. David Herbert

      Gasoline is too expensive for him to make that happen.

    3. Mkvenner

      It’s probably a baptist church.

    4. Nexev

      Actually if you look at the church from outside it has begun smoldering.

      Mike tends to do the opposite of what you want.

    5. Mkvenner

      God must have paid him two nickels not too.

    6. Kernanator

      I figured he would be shot on sight. By the legion of church snipers.

      1. Luke

        The Iscariot always tries to ruin his plans.

  3. Wonder Wig

    In another universe, Mike is just the fairy who gives you a nickel whenever you say, “Boy, if I had a nickel for every time _______.”

    1. Aizat

      Then my alternate counterpart must’ve been rich in that universe.

      1. Wonder Wig

        We’re all rich in that universe. Got enough nickels to shake a pickle at.

        1. Cave

          If I had a nickel for every time I shook a pickle at my pile of
          nickels… infinite nickles 0.0

        2. Spazman

          as opposed to Mike shaking his pickle for a nickle?

        3. Kiapdx

          But we still wouldn’t have as many nickels as Samsung sent to Apple HQ.

    2. Random832

      Just one nickel, or the requisite number of nickels?

  4. Derp-Face

    Boobs
    dammit willis you’re making me straight

    1. Jetstream

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xlg7ywvn9V8

  5. Aizat

    Mike always have the last word on everything.

    1. Boom

      For a nickel.

      1. GrrArg42

        “Zyzzyva” is the last word in my dictionary. Some kind of tropical American weevil. Does Mike have a hoard of zyzzyvas?! Protect the crops!

  6. David Herbert

    Mike is here to spike the holy water. With your mom.

    1. Doctor_Who

      Or just outright replace it with vodka.

      Pretty sure that would get Billie to start attending.

      1. Yotomoe

        Mike and alcohol don’t mix…and not for the reason you would immediately think.

        1. Kernanator

          Mike + Alcohol = Fire

        2. Boom

          Mike + Alcohol = Creepy

          “I’m sorry in advance for caving in your skull later while you sleep peacefully in your bed. I’ll be sober then, you see.”

        3. N0083rP00F

          No no no … its even worse ….. Mike + Alcohol = “Nice Guy”

        4. Raine

          Based on the comments, I’m actually wondering how many other people on here read shortpacked as well…

  7. JoeMerl

    Joyce is learning well. XD

  8. Yotomoe

    I hate to agree with Mike…but Joyce would make a TERRIBLE crack whore.

    1. brasca1

      Yes, but in another reality I wonder how she’d do as a phone sex operator.

      1. Aizat

        Like a missionary, I guess?

      2. Boom

        “She just kept screaming ‘premarital hanky panky’. I was about to fire her when we started getting requests.”

        1. Romanticide

          there is a fetish for everything XD

        2. Mancuso

          Holy crap, I wish I could rate comments…

        3. BlueMario

          I so know what you mean.
          On every page there is atleast one comment that deserves, at the very least, a thumbs up

    2. Bekah

      To be fair, is there really such a thing as a “good” crack whore?

      1. Aizat

        A dead one, of course. That and a reformed one.

      2. Wonder Wig

        It’s like the question “what is a good knife?” A good knife is a knife that is proficient at being a knife. So a good crack whore is a proficient crack whore, maybe an excellent crack whore. Either way, she deserves a star.

        1. artemi71

          One that… uh… really enjoys her work? A ‘crack artist’, if you will?

        2. Wonder Wig

          That would definitively be a … Deviant Art.
          *ba-dum tish*

        3. Mrelegos

          Actually, a good knife is a fish knife. Tool of the hungry civilised gentleman.

        4. BlueMario

          And it’s evil twin is the hunting knife, the tool of the starving uncivilised redneck

    3. billytea

      She’d be the one hanging up embroidered signs saying “It’s not a crackhouse, it’s a crack HOME”.

  9. Alex

    Finally someone burned Joyce.

    1. Yotomoe

      I feel like burning Joyce is not a difficult task and am positive it has been done several times within the course of this comic.

      1. Wonder Wig

        You know what would burn Joyce? These jalapeno poppers.
        http://www.wonderwigandalfredoboy.com/?p=302

        1. Kernanator

          You gave us the recipe. This is amazing.

        2. Wonder Wig

          Now you may go forth and munchify.

    2. Shade

      I wasn’t aware she was a witch.

      1. Kernanator

        She turned Joe into a newt!

        1. Bickendan

          Joe got better.

        2. Wack'd

          But if he takes another bite, will he explode?

        3. Keroshino

          He got better!!!

        4. Wack'd

          But is he an individual?

        5. StClair

          Well, he’s definitely not the Messiah. (He’s a very naughty boy!)

        6. Doom shepherd

          NI!

        7. Jackson

          He must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest. With a herring.

  10. AliaPie

    Took me a second to understand what Mike was saying.

    I love the character interactions in these comics so much.

  11. Jehosaphat

    Next time on Dumbing of Age. *Flashback* Mike pays Joyce’s mom a nickel to drive him to church.

  12. Katana

    Somehow, with today being so depressing for me and my whole life seeming downhill, panel two felt like someone pissing in my face.

    1. Yotomoe

      Sorry to hear it, man. I’m sure Joyce didn’t mean it.

    2. begbert2

      It’s not even Joyce, really; quite a lot of theists avoid realizing that “all goes according to God’s plan” mean “God is the one who is deliberately putting me through this crap. While he watches. Possibly while laughing and munching popcorn.”

      And yeah, yeah, the good things are God’s fault, the bad things are our own fault. Heard it all before.

      1. Master Kenobi

        That’s not what it means. God is allowing the bad things to happen, sometimes for no real discernible reason (to us) at the time. I’ve gone through some crazy stuff that had me wondering how on earth I could consider it part of God’s plan (things that were not my fault), and then I realized everything I’d learned through the experience put me in a place to sympathize with others and to offer valuable advice. God does not relish your suffering. God uses it like a crucible. If He did enjoy it, then why would He send His Son to die to save us? Why, throughout Scripture, are both Father and Son described as being moved by suffering?

        1. begbert2

          I’ll do this as bullet points.

          – The main difference between allowing an act and perpetrating that act is the difference in awareness and effort – nobody is impressed by Parker’s decision not to stop the thief in the first spider-man movie, since he knew about the problem and could have easily stopped it. God is omniscient and omnipotent, so to him allowing something to happen is *exactly* the same as actively causing it, particularly from a moral perspective.

          – Quite a lot of hardship does not teach lessons. In fact, it’s been known to actually kill the victim, particularly when the hardship is fatal. Like, Pompeii. I’m sure those people learned *lots*.

          – Jesus’s death saved us how, exactly? I’ve heard it described as a sacrifice, which raises the question of who accepted the sacrifice, and why did Jesus’s execution alter their behavior? Typically it’s claimed that God’s the one who will be personally handling our ‘judgement’ – why does an unrelated party getting casually killed put God in a merciful mood? Or does some bloodthirsty demon have the real decision-making power? (Not that the bible rules out the possibility that God is itself bloodthirsty – quite the opposite.) And no, ‘scapegoat’ sacrifies aren’t even slightly just; if we deserve punisment, inncents getting slaughtered doesn’t change that fact. Blood sacrifies logically cannot be about justice; they are about blood and the monsters that like it.

          – God is only sporadically described as being moved by suffering. Far, far more often he’s described as dishing it out – a quick google turned up cited references to 2,552,452 killings by him – and that’s NOT counting cases where numbers aren’t given, like the flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, the firstborn Egyptian children, etc. That’s just the ones where actual kill numbers are given. (Chronicles includes some impressive slaughters.) Presuming that the descriptions of God’s emotions aren’t just wishful thinking on the part of the writers (which is fair enough; I’m accepting their kill numbers after all), I find myself viewing God’s sympathy the same way I do the ‘love’ of an abusive father, only moreso.

          So yeah. I’m thinking that describing God being a massive fan of schadenfreude is an extremely generous interpretation. The ‘good book’ more suggests a rage-filled psychotic serial-killing tyrant. Who had his own son killed just to watch him bleed.

        2. Petre Pan

          Let me answer this with sex. Because sex, like God, is awesome.

          Imagine–for a second–having sex with _insertsexperthere_. You would likely have to work out, a lot, before being fit for sex with said person. There is a reason people work out. A lot of it is attraction or being-fit-for-reproduction-driven. That’s some serious self-inflicted suffering there. Your muscles are probably like WHAT THE HELL MEN WHY ALL THIS LACTIC ACID WHY YOU HATE ME BRAIN GOD WHY

          And you’re all like, “no, muscles, I’m preparing us for awesome banging times with __insertname_.”

          And when you finally are capable of handling _insertname_, you will be buff. You will be strong. You will have stamina like no one else. And you will feel helluva good.

          Are you following this metaphor? It’s crudely strange, I know. So was Paul (told some dude to castrate himself–oh, and God TOTALLY moons Moses in the original Hebrew).

          God’s like the brain. We are like the muscles. And sometimes we’re put through some really awful times–times we can’t even imagine have any good purpose. That’s because we’re limited. We don’t have omniscience. Your point about omniscience is very good, but overlooks that YOU don’t have omniscience. You don’t know the end of the story. And you don’t know that it’s frikkin awesome, and to get there you have to be prepared. Yeah, the cost is high. The cost is enormously high, higher than anyone can ever imagine, and I think Paul and James in the NT make it clear that sometimes God makes those he loves suffer more than others. Just like a martial arts master gives his best student harder, more intense classes than anyone else. Yeah, it’s an awful cost. Yeah, God is really, really dark. But until you know the value–the worth–of the thing you’re paying for, you will never be able to understand that cost.

          Lemme tell you, it’s worth it.

        3. David

          God is nothing like a martial arts master. People choose to learn martial arts. People enter into an agreement with a martial arts master and pay them to teach them until the contract has been fulfilled. It’s a consensual relationship. God just does mean crap to you without your permission. You don’t approach God and ask him to teach you to be a better person. He gives you cancer without asking. He orphans you without asking. He puts you on a doomed airplane flight without asking. He causes your mom to miscarry you as a fertilized embryo before she even knew you existed without asking.

          Martial arts masters don’t show up at your doorstep unsolicited and start punching you in the face. And if they did, when they get in trouble and face a judge, I don’t think “I was just preparing this random stranger for later hardship” will cut it. Why? Because that’s insane.

          You know what else is insane? Telling me “it’s worth it.” Because the only alternative to being insane is that you’re stupid or a liar. You can’t possibly know. You don’t have first-hand information. You’ve been told things by other people, other people who also couldn’t possibly know, and that’s the extent of your knowledge. You’re not competent to tell me “it’s worth it.” You don’t know the value. You’ve been told the value. And so I hope that you’re insane, because the other alternatives are you’ve been duped or you’re a jerk.

          God’s also not like a brain or sex, because brains and sex demonstrably exist.

        4. Crimson Doom

          It tends to make much more sense if you believe, as I do, that we gave God permission before we came to this life and, in fact, that is precisely the reason we’re here. Not trying to convince you, just letting you know that there’s an explanation that isn’t just “God is the biggest jerk in existence”, if you’re willing to accept the premise that we existed before we were born on Earth.

      2. Cave

        As a theist, I always gave credit for good and bad events to pure chaotic happenstance

  13. SkepticJ

    A reasonable explanation for Mike’s presence is that he is chaperoning for Joyce again, and will hit her date if he has an naughty thoughts.

    Thankfully, Ethan is in the clear.

    1. SkepticJ

      *any naughty thoughts. Maybe I will learn to proofread one day.

    2. Shade

      Hey, didn’t specify who the naughty thoughts had to be about.

      1. begbert2

        *POW*.
        “Mike, why did you punch Ethan?”
        “He looked at me.”
        “I don’t understand.”
        “I hope I’m there when you figure it out.”

  14. Confuzor

    I’m personally really glad at how maturely Ethan’s dealing with all this. Not pitching a fit or being all offended and stuff. Just…dealing with it and likely to have a well thought out and calm discussion with Joyce afterward on anything he may (and likely will) have issue with.

    1. Tristan J

      I suspect Ethan will do anything and everything to avoid having that conversation with Joyce, which is not even slightly mature.

      (I know this because I’m exactly like Ethan in that respect)

  15. Boom

    Joyce may not be judging Ethan’s book by its cover, but she could at least take a hint by what section of the bookshop she got it from.

    I… I’m not sure what this metaphor means.

    1. Kernanator

      It means you like books.

      That’s okay, so do I.

    2. Yotomoe

      Maybe she didn’t understand the Dewey Decimal System.

      1. CWR

        Decimals make her dewey? Whodathunkit?

        1. Shade

          0.5

  16. Mkvenner

    Has Joyce ever encountered the Eastern Orthodox Church?

    1. Drunken Nordmann

      Is there something special about it?

      1. Wack'd

        It’s in Ohio.

        1. CWR

          So…nothing special?

        2. Jimmy

          I love Ohio. Just had to put it out there since someone had to bad mouth it. 😉

        3. Drunken Nordmann

          And I thought he meant another Eastern Orthodox Church, the Greek Orthodox Church. In my defense, I live in Germany, so I can hardly know every single Christian church, sect etc. in America.

          But was is so special about the one in Ohio?

        4. madd

          It’s the same one.

        5. Drunken Nordmann

          Greek Orthodox in Ohio?

        6. Wack'd

          …Ohio is east of Indiana.

          …

          IT WAS A JOKE.

  17. Ryan

    I love you Mike.

  18. Cholma

    For someone who loves God and church so much, Joyce sure is being disrespectful by talking during the service!

    1. begbert2

      Everyone else is talking too; they’re just being more melodious about it. (Well, in theory.)

  19. beeftony

    Hey, I know this song.

  20. Kernanator

    I would have thought that Joyce would know better than to take Mike to church.

    Not that I’m complaining, mind you.

    1. Yotomoe

      Mike came on his own, which is more than he can say for your mom last night.

      1. Boom

        Luckily she groaned in advance for this pun otherwise he’d have to pay another nickel.

  21. Tunasammich

    Best DoA comic? I think so

  22. Scot

    I’ll bet he’s there to out Ethan in front of Joyce.

    Calling it.

  23. GenericScreenName101

    Is Mike in church for future inventments with Joyce’s mom or for trying to pay off a tab owed to Joyce’s mom for an unfortunate lack of nickles? ‘Cause you know, who carries and abundant supply of nickles to make change nowadays?

    1. Boom

      Change artists.

  24. XMD

    Damn it, Angry Crotch is obscured by a word bubble.
    I loved Angry Crotch. Go view the wordless Panel 2. You’ll rejoice in finding our one true master, Angry Crotch.

  25. Angry Larry

    Its only been 2 weeks, but she already knows Mike so well… Bravo Joyce. Bravo

  26. J42

    “Part of David Willis’ long game. David Willis has a plan for me”

    Fixed it for you, Joyce.

    1. Thor

      Yeah, the meta-context is thick and chewy right here.

      1. Yotomoe

        It’s all he could do…

        1. Wack'd

          But is it the best he could do? With no regrets?

        2. StClair

          COULD HE DO LESS?

        3. Mrelegos

          Wait the Best he could do?

          …DINAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! [cries]

  27. petsinwinter

    correct me if I’m wrong. but this seems like the first time Mike has said for a nickle in this universe.

    could someone check. I don’t feel like scouring archives right now. I’ve got too many other archives to scour already

    1. CWR

      He still hasn’t said that.

      I still don’t think ‘nickle’ is a word in English.

    2. Rhys

      For the record, this is the first time he’s said it in comic, but he’s said it a good number of times in his character twitter account, which IS this universe.

      1. vlademir1

        Actually said it sure… he has made that joke at least once in writing though… here

        I only know that mind you because Willis linked to the scene by the fountain a couple pages later from the Roomies rerelease.

  28. John Madden

    Where did he come from?

    1. petsinwinter

      New York City? I forget

  29. Raoullefere

    “Oh, God! You are my God!” isn’t a hymn I’m acquainted with, I must admit. It does seem familiar, though.

    1. That Oracle

      “God, you’re my god, and I love you man!”

    2. Wack'd

      “Oh my God, it’s GOD!”

    3. yum

      The complete first verse to that song goes, “Oh God! You are my God! You reign from heaven above with wisdom, power, and love. Oh God, you’re an awesome God.” I know these things because I was in a Christian private school until age 12.

    4. Lucy

      “step by step”
      Oh God, You are my God
      And I will ever praise You
      Oh God, You are my God
      And I will ever praise You
      I will seek You in the morning
      And I will learn to walk in Your ways
      And step by step You’ll lead me
      And I will follow You all of my days
      {Repeat}
      And step by step You’ll lead me
      And I will follow You all of my days

      1. Raoullefere

        Thanks. Lucy. I think I’ve heard it before, but I wasn’t sure, and Willis isn’t above monkeying with things.

        Too bad it isn’t the Baaaptist’s ‘Doxology.’ I’d’ve been all over that. Or, ‘Just as I am.’ We tended to spin that number fairly often, too.

        1. Cholma

          This church needs more Whoopi Goldberg as a nun. 🙂

  30. sandbridgekid

    Thatnks to all the Joyces in public school and college, who convinced me through their batshittery, how valid a precept my Atheism was.

    1. Wack'd

      Really? It wasn’t the dogma, or the internal inconsistencies, or the outdated morals? You switched to atheism just because there are a few nutty religious folks?

      You do know that atheists can be just as deluded and righteous, right?

    2. Azukar

      I agree with Wack’d. There are batshit crazy people everywhere; that’s hardly enough reason to give or take an entire worldview.

      Personally I continue to be atheistic because theism doesn’t make sense.

      1. begbert2

        To be fair to sandbridgekid</b?, batshittery is a warning sign that what the person is talking about might not make sense.

    3. Shade

      Personally I found the most valid reason for Atheism was actually reading the Bible.

      1. Kiapdx

        Agreed.
        Also, your icon is perfect for this comment.

    4. Joe

      Really?
      Because it’s people like Joyce that give me, as an atheist, some respect for organized religion.
      She’s a genuinely good person. When she comes across something that clashes with what she’s learned about the world, she might be shocked at first, but she generally does try to understand and accept differences. What’s the craziest thing she’s done so far? Ask an atheist to attend one service with her?
      The Joyces of the world are not the ones we have to worry about.

      1. PinkiePiecrust

        Thank you good sir, for reminding me there is some good in this world.

      2. Wack'd

        *slow clap*

      3. begbert2

        The craziest thing Joyce has done so far is try to beat the shit out of somebody in a furious rage for ogling another woman. Unless you consider the fact that she hired somebody to punch oglers while in a calm state of mind to be crazier, that is.

        Joyce has a very admirable attitude to certain kinds of non-her-religion people and behavior, but her acceptance is not universal.

      4. begbert2

        Also, a person being nice and a person being nuts are not mutually exclusive. I’ve met many nice and…well, somewhat accepting people, whose blind faith and the tortured logic they used to support it convinced me of the error of their beliefs regardless of their personal politeness.

  31. CWR

    Who else flashed back to Moral Orel on panel 2?

  32. Kensou

    No, Mike… she’s going to find a career in phone sex. Don’t you read Something Positive?

    1. ADHadh

      No, because Mike ha actually good taste in webcomics.
      Or he has more fun being an asshole than reading about ones.

  33. Rhys

    I can’t get over Ethan’s deer-in-the-headlights look through this entire strip. He’s so O.O

  34. Uniqueantique

    Roflmao

  35. Earl

    Not wanting to interfere with god’s plan was apparently part of the reason mother Teresa opposed to things like community micro-start up loans. Those people were supposed to be poor, you see.

    1. begbert2

      Not wanting to interfere with God’s plan is why I try to act like a complete dick. Because I act that way, it must be how God wants me to act, and I wouldn’t want to go against God’s will, would I?

  36. Dr.Z

    Ha! Called it!

    I KNEW Mike would move onto Ethan after screwing with Walky!

  37. Dr.Z

    (Reads other comments.)

    Wow.

    Lots of hate on the posts today.

    Well, have fun with all that.

    I’m out’ta here.

    1. madd

      What hate? I see people joking about characters and making puns, like always. There hasn’t even been much in the way of religious discussion. Seems pretty calm here to be throwing the word hate around.

    2. Wack'd

      Enjoy your blood waters!

  38. Bill

    I really like the artwork in this strip!
    Great job on the overhead view. 🙂

    1. Wack'd

      I like to think that Willis being forced to relive his old artwork is making him push himself to be as much better than that as possible.

  39. BD

    So… no one’s shipping Mike and Sierra yet?

    1. Joe

      Mike/Joe/Ethan OT3

  40. Charles RB

    Mike raises a valid point here!

    1. begbert2

      Mike raised a valid point with your mom.

      1. kiapdx

        Mike raises a valid point with everyone’s mom. Why else would her change jar have so many nickels?

  41. Natalie

    Ok, that’s a Rich Mullin’s song. Well played. He and Steve Green are two of the best things to come out of the Christian music scene.

  42. Soozi

    I’ll but your mom a nickel Mike will then say “A woman will not be tolerated to speak in chuch” and punch Joyce.

  43. Soozi

    I’ll but your mom a nickel Mike will then say “A woman will not be tolerated to speak in church” and punch Joyce.

  44. Mehriheart

    Banks have nickles in 2 dollar rolls… so that is 40 moms for two dollars. Nice Mike.

  45. Somebody

    I’m always tempted to change the lyrics to nonsense. One of my female friends expected me to be struck by lightning.

  46. Pilk

    Man, fuck Mike.

  47. RoberJolt

    In the last panel, Joyce reminds me of Starfire from the Teen Titans cartoon.

    1. Rheios

      I can actually here it in Starfire’s voice!

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