162

Shirk
Posted on June 30, 2014 by David M Willis

You asked for it, you got it -- Dumbing of Age is on Patreon now!  It's where all the cool people are now, like my buddy Joel or my nemesis Jeph or that guy Gordon I mostly ignore.  But I'm there now, too, like some sort of awesome person.  And if enough people are into it, those people can get a bonus Dumbing of Age strip each month.  Click through for the deets. (Also at the moment some folks can read tomorrow's strip on Patreon early.  Not something that'll happen every day, but it's happening today.)

162 thoughts on “Shirk”

  1. Jen Aside

    Aww, why you gotta be so sweet, Danny, I might actually start liking you =<

    1. James Rye

      Seems like Sal might too. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday she might start liking Danny for more than just being adorable/sweet.

      1. tinfoil theory

        It’s cute how she just assumes that he would want her.

        1. Kiapdx

          Everyone wants Sal. Joyce wants Sal. On some level Billie wants Sal. Hell, if they weren’t related, WALKY would want Sal. It’s cute that she used the word adorable though.

        2. John

          “On some level”? Billie has attempted to kiss Sal.

        3. David M Willis

          That is technically a level!

        4. Rowen Morland

          Yeah, but you have to cheat at the rules to pass it.

        5. Leorale

          Sometimes sweet nerdy dudes try to court women by helping them with math. It happens. I don’t quite see how addressing this possibility is unreasonable, especially if you’re the girl in the situation. Wouldn’t you want to know?

        6. Deanatay

          Yep, I can confirm this.

        7. tinfoil theory

          It certainly is not unreasonable to address the possibility.
          I said it’s cute how she assumes it as fact. Wishful thinking, no doubt.

    2. Lizard

      *Sigh* I’m gonna miss the Danny Hate-Train. “Making people with low self-esteem and poor social skills feel even more like worthless scum since 1939 (TM).”

      1. Swerve

        The Danny-Hate-Train isn’t going away. Instead those riding it will double down, maybe trying to sabotage the brakes, get the train up to 88 miles per hour, put Dennis Hopper at the controls, or have it transform into into a space shuttle. Those who hate Danny for being a naive but good-natured fellow won’t stop, just because his attempts to help achieve results. I don’t know what they call people like that on your planet, but back on Cybertron we call them “jerks”. Or NAILs. Well, Prowl was the first to call them NAILs, and it caught on.

        Speaking of things from your planet I don’t get, I’m not dropping this “horse” thing until I get a satisfactory answer.

        1. Tchoc

          A horse is a variation on the game of basketball that powers automobiles and is loved by little girls. How is this difficult to understand?

        2. Cthulhu21

          The jargon for one thing.

  2. Yotomoe

    You have to be WAY better at math to get in my knickers. Like TA good.

    1. Doctor_Who

      You think it was the math? It was totes the bowtie.

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        Don’t forget the British accent.

        1. GoogerGeiger

          I thought it was just Sal’s dry spell.

        2. Plasma Mongoose

          If she was that dry, I hope she used some lube.

        3. Doctor_Who

          It’s the bowtie, because they are so unfashionable that any woman who sees you in one will naturally want to get it off of you. The hope is that once she does, she’ll keep going.

        4. -Sentinel-

          Sez the one with the username Doctor_Who…

        5. Yotomoe

          EXACTLY.

        6. Ahighfunctioningsociopath

          Why do you think he wore it?

        7. Time Sage

          Because Bowties are cool?

        8. Cedric Y. Berman

          Be careful though. The last time I saw a guy take off his bowtie he turned into an old man with kidney problems.

        9. xKiv

          That’s why you don’t let him take off his bowtime – by taking it off yourself.

  3. Kernanator

    Goddammit, I thought I was done identifying with Danny.

  4. Mr. Random

    You learn by either screwing up or listening to someone screw up.
    Or logic. Because jumping off a roof into a pool is not likely to end well when there’ same fifteen foot distance between the two edges.

    1. Jerden

      Or in Sal’s case, by screwing.

      🙂

      1. Legasher

        There’s no problem that screwing can’t solve. Except for the problems it creates, which are myriad and usually more complicated than the original problem.

  5. Regalli

    … Aww, Danny, that’s actually pretty sad.

  6. JessWitt

    Aha, so the subplots dovetail. Poignancy achieved.

  7. Plasma Mongoose

    A nice guy who isn’t doing so to get inside a girl’s knickers? someone call Jezebel.com.

    1. Yotomoe

      Forget Jezebel.com. Someone call MYTH BUSTERS.

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        You mean Muff Busters, am I right? 😀

        1. Yotomoe

          Better than Nut Busters.

    2. Bill

      Dammit, people, I know this a comic and a work of fiction, but let’s be realistic – even in the real world, not everybody is trying to get into someone else’s knickers!!

      1. Darkproject8

        I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of me trying to get into your knickers….

        1. Bill

          Take your time; it’s not like you’re fighting a crowd…..

      2. Vincent

        *Googles knickers*

        So THAT’S what I was doing wrong.

  8. synnerman

    *feeling… something… positive*

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      As in the feeling or the webcomic?

    2. Doctor_Who

      If you’re going to molest the other webcomics listed in the sidebar, start with Hijinks Ensue. Joel is used to getting that sort of treatment from Willis.

      1. Opus the Poet

        Something Positive is a very fine comic and perfectly comfortable with being felt up, just ask Randy or Davan.

      2. Roborat

        Now THAT made me laugh, good one sir.

  9. Ray Radlein

    WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH DANNY

  10. Wonder Wig

    Danny earned the Power of Well-Uh-Something-I-Guess!

    1. Leorale

      What’s the word for relating to a hot lady like an actual human being, respecting both her and himself? It is very nice.

      1. Chris

        “Foreplay”?

      2. Deanatay

        I think you mean “friend”. (Add ‘ship’ to taste.)

        1. Leorale

          Oh yeah, friend. That’s a good word.

        2. xKiv

          Delicious, even.

  11. Thores

    Step one of getting into Sal’s knickers is apparently getting her to deny having any sexual attraction to you, so keep it up Danny

    1. Catullus

      And Danny’s best attempts at getting into knickers typically involve intending nothing of the sort, so he’s right on track.

    2. drs

      I wonder if he’ll make her have an epiphany, and how she’ll react if she does.

      (Epiphanies: orgasms for the intellectual mind.)

  12. alicemacher

    Danny is becoming significantly less…Dannian. This is a good thing.

    1. JessWitt

      He’s less of a Dan and more of a man, no irony entailed.

      1. Regalli

        We must ride this updraft while we still can. Everyone! *Starts the drums*

        LET’S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS!

        1. MissQuinn

          TO DEFEAT…THE HUNS!

        2. Kernanator

          DID THEY SEND ME DAUGHTERS WHEN I ASKED FOR SONS?

        3. Jetzoin56

          YOU’RE THE SADDEST BUNCH I’VE EVER MET. BUT YOU CAN -BET- BEFORE WE’RE THROUGH… MISTER I’LL MAKE A -MAN- OUT OF YOU!

        4. Yotomoe

          TRANQUIL AS A FOREST. BUT A FIRE….WITHIN!

        5. That One Weirdo

          ONCE YOU FIND YOUR CENTER
          YOU ARE SURE…. TO WIN!

        6. Kernanator

          YOU’RE A SPINELESS PALE PATHETIC LOT AND YOU HAVEN’T GOT A CLUE.
          SOMEHOW I’LL MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU!

        7. Nono

          BE A MAN
          SWIFT AS A COURSING RIVER

        8. Kernanator

          (Why does nobody remember that the recruits singing comes before the chorus?)

          I’M NEVER GONNA CATCH MY BREATH.
          SAY GOODBY TO THOSE WHO KNEW ME!

        9. Karfsma778

          With all the force of a great typhoon

        10. JaneDoe

          (I don’t know, Kenanator, I don’t know.)

          Boy was I a fool in school for cutting gym!

        11. Annie

          THIS GUY’S GOT ‘EM SCARED TO DEATH.

          HOPE HE DOESNT SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME.

        12. Kernanator

          NOW I REALLY WISH THAT I KNEW HOW TO SWIM!

        13. Batman

          BE A MAN!

        14. Ayo Gbadehan

          we must be swift as a coursing river

        15. Kernanator

          BE A MAN!

          WITH ALL THE FORCE OF A GREAT TYPHOON

        16. anonymous

          BE A MAN with all the strength of a raging tiger–mysterious as the dark side of the Moon!
          Mister, I’ll take the Dan out of you!

        17. John

          In just seven days… I can make you a man!

        18. Evil Midnight Lurker

          (inserts) AND SIX LONG NIGHTS!

        19. Roborat

          . . . and the thread veers off course and turns into a Rocky Horror reference. Brilliant.

  13. Gram91

    Man, Willis likes to be ironic with this series.

    1. JessWitt

      Just like ra-a-ain on your wedding day!

      1. Gigafreak

        This situation, like that song, is coincidence, not irony. Irony would be if Danny’s attempts at productivity directly end up making him feel more useless. Like an ambulance running over the dying person it was supposed to save.

        1. Swerve

          Or the Senate sending Whirl to beat up Megatron in prison as a punishment for Megatron’s writings peacefully questioning the system, only for Megatron to form an army and destroy the Senate, ushering in four million years of war.

          Irony requires making a statement or taking an action that results in the opposite effect than you intended. Unless you hijacked Cobra’s Weather Dominator in the hopes of getting a sunny forecast for your wedding, only for G.I. Joe to destroy it due to your actions, having it rain on your wedding day can not be an example of irony. What is ironic is how many of the examples in that song are not examples of irony.

        2. Robin

          No, what’s ironic is the fact it isn’t ironic that many of the examples in the song are not examples of irony.

          I think.

        3. Gigafreak

          “Red and Blue, workin’ together. Isn’t that ironic.”
          “No, it would ironic if we were HELPING each other to HURT each other.”
          “It would be ironic if, instead of bullets, our guns fired medicinal salves that healed all wounds.”
          “I think it would be ironic if everyone were made of iron!”

          Maybe we should just start saying “backfired” instead of “ironic.”

        4. Cthulhu21

          Yeah cause all of this Diologe is starting to turn into a train wreak of bad humor (no offense to all intended).

        5. Deanatay

          Or, like Sal making it clear that Danny won’t get into her knickers, just before she falls for him.

        6. Jerden

          What if he literally ends up in her knickers? Would that be irony, or just funny?

        7. Gigafreak

          Well her brother has already gotten into his kickers

        8. xKiv

          It makes more sense if, like some ancient nations, assume that fate is (or – the fates are) a cosmic entity capable of altering your circumstances based on your decisions – and it’s out to get you.
          Picked a day for your wedding that looked like a bright, sunny, happy day? Well guess we have to summon some clouds!
          Went with an important surprise delivery to a friend in another city? Guess we’ll make them want to spring a suprise visit on *you* the same day!
          Sometimes you want to hook up, and sometimes you don’t, while not changing what you are doing? Alright, we’ll just send the not-interested ones when you want to, and the interested ones when you don’t!

        9. Cthulhu21

          I think there are people in the here and now who do assume that; one way or another.

  14. dailybrad

    Danny’s one of my favorite characters(Not in the top 5, but this is Dumbing of Age, that’s not at ALL a knock), and moments like this are why. I think he’s got a lot of heart, and while we joke about him not having any sense, he DID get pretty much tossed into the deep end of the chaos pool. I just hope he’s found some floaties to keep him holding on.

    1. Jicklet

      I’m really fond of Danny too. He was kind of clueless in the beginning, but he’s really trying to overcome that. And he’s got a good heart.

    2. Annie

      I kind of find his cluelessness and awkwardness endearing. He’s such a sweetheart, really just right down to his core, and seems to automatically think others are as sweet as him, even if intellectually he knows they aren’t. Like he assumes the people not like him are just random, face-less folk out there somewhere. He just assumes that everyone he actually meets is as golden-hearted as he is.

      Even his screw-ups seem to come from a really good place.

      1. Swerve

        Danny’s integrity, honesty and altruism is a refreshing break from the rest of the cast. Dorothy is ambitious to a fault, Joyce still has trouble not being judgmental, Amber is a mess of problems, Billie is a cynical alcoholic, Walky is oblivious to the feelings of others, and Sal is full of self-loathing. (I recognize self-loathing when I see it; not only do I run a bar, I know Whirl.)

        Danny sees the best in those around him, seeks to help others, and is crushed when he feels useless. Those aren’t bad traits to have.

        1. Jerden

          He’s probably got the fewest issues of his own. He’s a nice guy. Unfortunately, he’s got caught up in everyone else’s issues.

  15. Romanticide

    Oh Danny I am really feeling very proud of you T.T

  16. IncandescentFlame

    Clearly, this isn’t Danny. This is either Amazi-girl danning up being Danny, or a well-disguised Deinonychus. I’m not entirely sure which.

    1. Doctor_Who

      You’re saying that’s actually Dina? Actually, this wouldn’t be too out of character for her.

      By that I mean Danny’s “I understand math but not relationships” comment is similar to Dina’s “I understand dinosaurs but not people” one. I don’t mean that skinning and wearing Danny wouldn’t be out of character for her. As far as we know.

    2. begbert2

      Funny, he’s acting exactly like Danny has always acted around women who aren’t acting like comic book characters. The dude doesn’t chase women who he things are too hot for him. Didn’t before, doesn’t now.

  17. Bagge

    Poor Billie. I wish she could have taught Sal math so she didn’t have to feel useless.

  18. EvergreenFir

    and the clitoris

    1. John

      Dorothy strikes me as a lady who would not let him remain ignorant of that.

  19. mistervader

    Clearly, Danny is no stranger to love.

    He knows the rules, and so do I.

    1. Regalli

      A full commitment’s what he’s thinkin’ of,

      1. cesium133

        He won’t get that from any other guy.

        1. That One Weirdo

          He just wants to tell you how he’s feeling.

        2. Ancestral Hamster

          Gotta make you understand …

        3. Mass Confusion

          Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around, and hurt yoooou

        4. TFC

          Ha, ha, haaa! Rickroll chain!

  20. Yotomoe

    Someone yesterday joked about an equation for the Blue shell in Mario Kart so I did the math.

    B= Blue Shell
    p= place in race
    r= number of racers

    B=((p/r × r) – (p-p²)) x 100

    Probability of getting hit = B/100
    example:

    B=((1/12 x 12) – (1-1)) x 100
    B= (1-0) x 100
    B= 1 x 100
    B= 100

    However it doesn’t work with larger numbers than 2. Can anyone fix this for me?

    1. Riku

      It technically is working though, because the only way you’re going to get hit by a blue shell if you’re not in first place is if you’re close enough to get into the explosion when it hits whoever’s in first

      1. Yotomoe

        The problem is that if it’s a number like 5 it suddenly becomes like…200/100 and that’s like…the opposite of what I want.

      2. Joe

        Depends on which game. In MK64 and I think maybe in MK8, the blue shell travels along the ground and plows through anyone that happens to be in the way. You could be in 6th and still in danger.

    2. Camachri

      Keeping in mind that the probability of being hit by a blue shell while in 1st place is 100% (and virtually 0% in any other position), I came up with a simple equation for approximate probability of gaining a blue shell instead. (note that for the equation to be true, P must be an integer greater than 4, as blue shells are only given to racers of 5th place or lower)

      BS = ((P-1)/R)^2 x100

      Running some samples through this equation gives the following approximate results: (assume R = 12)

      P=1, BS = ((1-1)/12)^2 x 100 = 0/12 x 100 = 0
      P=2, BS = ((2-1)/12)^2 x 100 = 1/144 x 100 = 0.7%
      P=3, BS = ((3-1)/12)^2 x 100 = 4/144 x 100 = 0.27%
      ~
      P=6, BS = ((6-1)/12)^2 x 100 = 25/144 x 100 = 17%
      ~
      P=12, BS = ((12-1//12)^2 x 100 = 121/144 x 100 = 84%

      Obviously the equation isn’t perfect (the likelihood of gaining a blue shell in last place isn’t quite that high) but I feel it’s a decent start.

      1. Tom Speelman

        This…this is a good thing.

      2. Camachri

        Ack, P=3 should be 2.7%, not .27%. I apologise for my shoddy craftsmanship.

        1. Yotomoe

          It’s ok. I didn’t realize my equation didn’t work until I tried multiplying it by 5 and the equation was (5- -(15)) which equalled positive 20. SO CLOSE

      3. Yotomoe

        Very clever. It checks out. Great job!

      4. gwalla

        But what about the case where the player in 1st crosses the finish line? The blue shell may hit them but it’s irrelevant at that point.

    3. anonymous

      Would dividing by p^r work?

    4. Corey

      I propose the fix:
      (1/p^3 + 1/(10p^2 – p – 8)) x 50

      With the following probabilities:

      p P(p)
      1 100.0
      2 7.91666666667
      3 2.48476324426
      4 1.11908783784
      5 0.610970464135
      6 0.375990152002
      7 0.251035752647
      8 0.177784455128
      9 0.13163880802
      10 0.100916496945
      11 0.0795472681727
      12 0.0641464527908

      Arguably, it is possible to dodge the blue shell, so you could scale the 50 down. Or change the coefficients of ap^2+bp +c so that a + b + c ≠ 0, 1.

      1. Corey

        Just a note, if you make it so a + b + c ≠ 1, you’d probably want to make
        a + b+ c >1 so that you end up with (1 + ~fraction less than one~ ) * 50 with the range of values being (50,100)

  21. ninjasquirrel

    is this and actual life lesson being displayed? Amazing.

  22. MissQuinn

    I find it very hard to take Sal seriously as a tough, takes-no-shit, authority defying rebel when she says words like “Knickers”.

    1. Barf Ninjason

      She probably picked that up from sexy-times talk with Angry British Guy.

      1. Sambo

        *”finite mathematics book talk”

    2. drs

      I was wondering about that vocabulary choice.

    3. Chris

      Who knew Sal is a closet anglophile? Could Danny’s next Billie-like opportunity be only a mention of “The Fades” or “Spaced” away?

  23. AgentKeen

    Things like not Danning it up.

  24. Cass

    It suddenly hits me that from Billie’s point of view her roommate’s getting a booty call from the guy who refused to have casual sex with her when she was outright throwing herself at him just a few weeks before. Even when she’s the one who pointed her out to him that’s gotta be another blow on top of the funk she was already in.

    1. drs

      …ow, good point.

    2. Orangey

      oooooof dang I hadn’t even considered that

    3. Plasma Mongoose

      I was wondering why Billie was featured in the last panel…

      1. Gigafreak

        Also because she is feeling useless too, as suggested by Joyce the other day

  25. Idon'tcarenomore

    Sals exterior is tough … her interior is not quite so much.

    Hottext “things like girlfriends and self worth”…says the creator who drags Danny through every shitty situation possible while he cluelessly trys to cope with them….

    Keep growing Danny.

    1. Vibbles

      I think the hovertext is partially to draw the parallels between Danny and the issues he’s talking about with Sal, and Billie there with her mirrored problems with how she sees herself, how she screwed up with her girlfriend and failed to be the support system she saw herself as, more than just to take another stab at Danny.

      Honestly, compared to some characters, Danny hasn’t had it all that shitty. Amber and Ruth have had it rougher, I’d say. But yes- keep on truckin’, Danny~

  26. newllend

    Isn’t the reason why he’s there is so that he can help her.

  27. MrSirk

    Well..damn I hope things pick up for Billie. Her life kind of sucks right now.

  28. Ruck Bogers

    Does the Joyce & Walky incentive mean you’ll finally finish that series?
    Because “I can help show ya how” has been there forever.
    I want my ending, Willis!

  29. Spliced

    I like this new side to Danny I’m seeing here.

    Almost makes me wanna call him Richard

  30. chris73

    Sal really is either quite arrogant or has major self esteem problems…or both I guess

    1. Jerden

      That’s an odd combination, but I can see what you mean.

  31. Horrible Person

    Holy shit, Billie watch out! There’s something floating right over your head!

    1. LiaHansen

      That’s actually a plaque bearing the school’s motto.

  32. Vex Godglove

    I really feel bad for Sal. She thinks the only reason someone would be nice to her is if they want to sleep with her. That does not speak well of her experiences so far.

    1. Bagge

      And it highlights the deeply disturbing undertones in her choice to have sex with her TA. Is “sex for favors” such an integrated part in how Sal sees the world that she expects it to be the price asked for by anyone who helps her?

    2. Leorale

      I dunno, dudes. It’s actually not far-fetched that a nerdy fellow might help a girl with math in order to court her. That is definitely something that nerdy fellows do from time to time, imo.

      It’s *a* reason she sees that somebody would try to help her with math. That doesn’t follow that it’s the *only* reason she’ll see.

      1. Leorale

        (er, ‘imo’ should be ‘ime’)

  33. Jimmy

    I hope that there’s a lot less hate of Danny now. It never made sense to me. He might be naive and inexperienced but he’s not a bad guy at all.

    1. Evan Dark

      I think it’s because how oblivious he was to the whole Amazi-girl situation. People just couldn’t take it.

      Btw; that only proved, that he and Amber wasnt a good match. He never even noticed amber before. I hope he gets together with Sal.

      1. Gigafreak

        It was also kind of dickish that he sort of happily disregarded anything and everything Dorothy ever said she wanted, in favor of the fairy tale in his own head.

        1. Shadic

          That’s not really fair to Danny. All he said was “Maybe you’ll like it here.” (After following her!) and then she snapped and broke up with him. And it was pretty obvious she was going to dump him even before that.

          Day 1. After her followed her to a college that he probably wouldn’t have gone to otherwise.

        2. David M Willis

          All he said was strongly-paraphrased version of what he said which removes all important context to make dorothy look like a crazy person

      2. Grant14235

        That could spell trouble if Amber finds out. Imagine what would happen if she found out that the guy who wouldn’t date her because he wanted to be with her alter-ego was dating the girl who helped mentally scar her.

    2. Jerden

      I always liked him. I found him relatable. Make of that what you will.

  34. Robin

    Danny is so like me right now. Except that he’s actually helping someone with math.

  35. apostateCourier

    Holy shit Danny, you’re actually being pretty cool right now.

  36. Evan Dark

    Finally! Danny x Sal, seems to be on the horizon. My prayers may have been answered.

  37. dskillz

    I really like Danny and Sal in this universe. They actually seem like they have a lot in common which is nice to see. Wondering who is gonna cheer Billie up though if Danny is indisposed.

    1. Gigafreak

      Aside from “enjoys Mario Kart,” I can’t think of a single thing they DO have in common in this universe. And it makes their interactions that much more entertaining.

      1. dskillz

        Sue me for liking this more than the “he was nice to me in highschool so I love him forever” Sal has going on in the Walkyverse. I still ship him with Billie if she doesn’t end up back with Ruth over here.

  38. slicey

    i think billy really needs some therapy. I mean she is an alcoholic and after experiencing a trauma (i.e. being kicked out of cheerleading when its her whole world) and then the whole Ruth thing…. billy is one more bad thing away from a total mental breakdown/danger to herself situation

  39. Leorale

    Ooh, bonus, Danny is being a guy who is nice (and not a Nice Guy TM).

    Danny is helping Sal in order to feel useful, and he says so clearly, and he doesn’t presume she’ll do anything in particular as a result. He knows his true motivation, states it, and is not entitled or manipulative about some other hidden goal.

    This is why the comments section just got a lot more warm to him. Yay!

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