145

Assault
Posted on November 16, 2011 by David M Willis

145 thoughts on “Assault”

  1. Jen Aside

    “Ya know ya gotta track this sumbongo down yerselves an’ finish th’ job, right?”

    1. Wandering Meme

      Man. He wouldn’t have gotten away with this if Desanto was in office…

      1. Fauxlosopher

        DeSanto IS in office, she’s running for re-election.

        1. Asuka L.S.

          Well, there went the swing vote for the Conservative Lesbian ticket. Ah, well.

        2. johannhowitzer

          Your gravatar makes this too perfect.

    2. Jenny Creed

      This station does not condone vigilante justice. Unless it gets more reliable results than the legal system. And since less than 3% of all rapists spend even one day in jail, not to mention attempted rapists:

      GET HIM.

  2. David Herbert

    Hopefully Amazi-Girl caught him and kicked him in the balls hard enough to make him confess.

    And yay, Sal forgot to put pants on.

    1. Henry

      Walky’s having a very good morning; surrounded by women in varying states of dress.

      We will ignore the fact that one of them is his sister for the sake of my point.

      1. ALostProphet

        Please do. *retches*

      2. NakedDumblydore

        Twincest…?

        1. ALostProphet

          Not this again…

          Ref: http://www.dumbingofage.com/2011/comic/book-2/01-pajama-jeans/coincidence/#comment-44584

        2. Ancestral Hamster

          DoA is just taking a cue from Funky Cancercancer.

    2. Plasma Mongoose

      Pants are for the weak. 😀

      1. Wandering Meme

        Then walky must be very brave: admitting his weakness for female sweat jeans in front of pants-less women…

        he may need to be remasculated later though.

      2. Blob Marley

        Dat gravatar… dat comment… I’ll be in my bunk. 😛

      3. Roborat

        Aaaagh! Your avatar just scared the crap out of me.

        1. Plasma Mongoose

          “I AM THE AVATAR MURDERER!”

        2. madd

          Sounds more like the avatar laxative.

        3. Roborat

          And now your avatar has changed, and people are wondering what the hell I am talking about.

  3. Plasma Mongoose

    Gravitas sound yummy!

    1. Kernanator

      Jesus, Plasma, Murder!Osaka makes everything you say a billion times creepier.

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        and that’s why I like her. “D

    2. Wandering Meme

      Gravitas are a nutritious part of a balanced breakfast!

      1. Wandering Meme

        Also, I’m surprised she can pronounce “gravitas” given her state of mind…

        1. Plasma Mongoose

          Is gravitas pronounced gra-vi-tas or grav-e-tas?

  4. Mkvenner

    Nobody likes a snitch.

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      Unless it’s a Golden Snitch, then you can win matches with it.

      1. Jacob

        Or, if you’re Ireland, it’s just a way to end the game.

      2. Bekah

        I feel like someone needs to make a Willis-As-Potter joke here…

        1. fellixe

          I think Walky might be a
          pretty good Neville, but a Harry?

        2. Bekah

          You missed an ancient comic in which walky dressed up as potter and everyone thought he was dressing up as willis.

    2. Aizat

      You know what they say about a snitch. Snitch and you’ll be wearing cement tennis shoes.

      1. fellixe

        That can’t be good for your arches.

        1. Aizat

          And not good for swimming.

      2. Rex Hondo

        I thought it was “Snitches get stitches.”

        1. Rjaco321

          Snitchin is bongoin

        2. madd

          It is. I’ve been telling my kids that since they were toddlers.

        3. Valdrax

          Let’s hope they never get molested by an authority figure or work for a corrupt boss, then.

        4. madd

          This implies my children actually listen to me.

        5. madd

          They know I’m crazy.

  5. Brendan

    …where the heck are they?

    1. Bekah

      Sarah and Joyce’s dorm room, which connects to Billie and Sal’s

    2. Jacob

      Sarah and Joyce’s dorm. Remember? They share a half-bath.

    3. Xi

      In Joyce and Sarah’s dorm room, which has a shared bathroom with Bille and Sarah.

  6. ALostProphet

    Still not as stupid as not going to the hospital. Just sayin’.

    1. Bekah

      I agree with this so hard it gives me tingles in areas.

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        I would see a doctor about that if the tingles continue.

        1. ALostProphet

          Well, it’s probably nothi-OH WAIT

        2. Wandering Meme

          Remember, if your tingles tinkle, take tingle tinkler plus. For when your tingles start to tinkle and it mingles with your shingles!

        3. turkishproverb

          A Doctor?

          We are talking about Gravitas here. the kind bat’s give you. Or bowties. Or Fez’s… Or stetsons…

        4. fellixe

          Just remember that if tingles last longer than 4 hours you’re a lucky bastard and everyone will be jealous of you.

        5. eerilychildish

          It’s medication for erectile dysfunction. It gives you a boner! Not to be used if you have a preexisting heart condition. If boners persist for more than 4 hours, call more ladies!

        6. Khrene Cleaver

          And don’t forget the camera!

        7. Joraiem

          Or badass long brown coats?

        8. Plasma Mongoose

          Don’t forget to put on some brown pants!

  7. OhHayMike

    Not too many more people can fit in one dorm room.

    It’s just like college, a shit ton of people in your room, minding everyone’s business but their own…

    1. fellixe

      I was beginning to wonder if there was a clown car in the hallway or something.

  8. Deuecebag

    Does not surprise me at all that Sal knows how to do with the police.

    1. Deuecebag

      *deal*

      1. Bekah

        I liked this better before the correction.

        1. Wandering Meme

          And she’s underage…i wonder if the cops knew that?

        2. Joraiem

          What? They’re in college, she’s probably 18, isn’t she?

        3. Khrene Cleaver

          Shes also a sophomore so probably 19

        4. Bekah

          If Walky’s a freshmen, why would his twin sister be a sophomore?

        5. Andrusi

          Sal was born just before midnight and Walky was born just after. Their almost-shared birthdays are at exactly the right time such that Sal was old enough for kindergarten a year before Walky was.

          I am, incidentally, full of shit.

        6. David

          Sal is a freshman.

    2. Valdrax

      It also shouldn’t surprise that Sal’s automatic suspicion is that the police will always side against you.

  9. RaijinK

    I want the story to just continue with another cast member wandering into Joyce and Sarah’s room each day to throw in their two cents until there are no characters left.

    I look forward to Galasso’s take on the issue.

    1. NakedDumblydore

      Galasso would like to meet the dominating young man and use his seed to sire him a protege.

      1. Lord Synick XXIII

        Gravatar = win.

    2. Kisai

      Wasn’t there a 4th wall to this room a half hour ago?

      1. Wandering Meme

        4th walls go down here like it’s the city of jericho.

  10. Doom Shepherd

    And Sarah gets “ratted on.”. I see what you did there, Willis.

    /CaptainObvious

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      OH MY!

  11. Xartarin

    There’s an easy solution to the problem: As time passes, more and more people are congregating around Joyce’s problems, like flies to a bug-zapper made of drama.

    All they have to do is keep talking and discussing, and eventually so many cast members will show up that the guy from the party will HAVE to be there!

  12. Wackd

    Why is Sarah so pissed off? What is Sal going to do about it? Sarah doesn’t have to answer to her.

    Now, if Billie was shifting the blame, that’d be one thing. But it was Sarah who gave the final word. “Joyce says she’ll be fine. No hospital. But first thing tomorrow morning, we’re shoving a police report up this guy’s ass.” Bam. They’re in the car.

    Now, granted, Billie did also say “no hospital”, but with the corollary that nothing be done about the situation at all (because, if Joyce is right, going to the police with anything would result in her parents taking her home, which Billie was against.) Now, that’s not exactly better, but in Billie’s scenario it didn’t matter if the drugs were out of her system or not.

    1. Bekah

      You’re thinking too hard and not understanding enough.

    2. madd

      Wouldn’t you be cheezed if someone you don’t like to begin with makes it sound like you intimidated them in to doing things your way when they took part in forming your choice of action?

  13. Valkeer1

    Joyce isn’t falling all over Sal with worshipness…she really is messed up…

    1. Michelle J Caboose

      Well… But Sal’s not wearing any pants!

      1. Valdrax

        The pants also carry gravitas.

        1. Khrene Cleaver

          and thats why they fell down off Sal’s legs

      2. Jacob

        gravatar win

  14. fellixe

    Really? I think Walky might be a pretty good Neville, but a Harry?

    1. Lordphulish

      I’d say more of a Tenchi, especially with that female to male ratio.

    2. xaan

      Walky’s cool, but he’s no Neville Fucking Longbottom. At least not this incarnation. Put him in a blindingly tragic cardigan and send him to cut up some reptiles and then we’ll talk.

      1. Michelle J Caboose

        I just watched the last movie this past weekend. The scene in the book where Harry tells Neville to kill the snake was left out, and the film kept making it look like Harry, Ron or Hermione was going to be the one to kill Nagini. I kept yelling at the screen, “That’s Neville’s moment! Don’t you dare take it away from him!”

        When Neville finally got his crowning moment of awesome, I was finally able to relax and enjoy the rest of the movie.

  15. NakedDumblydore

    Seriously, everyone’s going to know this business if they don’t learn how to close a friggin’ door. :/

    1. Jackson

      I just keep wondering how many people are going to walk in on this meeting. With a cast this size, it could potentially go on indefinitely.

      “FOOLS! I come bearing wisdom. Heed the advice of Galasso!”

      1. Lord Synick XXIII

        Eventually people from other universes will have to come too.

        “Hey ladies. Faz will now be helpful.”
        “A problem, you say? Perhaps now that I am here, your problems will be solved…as well as your WRETCHED MISERABLE LIVES!”
        “You might be a man, but you sure don’t look it; you gotta catch your goose before you can cook it.”
        “GRUNT”

        1. NakedDumblydore

          Oh, man, I can’t wait for Reagan to show up!

      2. Roborat

        Just as long as nobody orders duck soup. (holy obscure reference batman!)

    2. Wandering Meme

      “Hey ladies, I was just across the hall, from round the corner, down the stairs, off campus, down the road off exit 69, 11 blocks down, in the subterranean nether region, past the interdimensional portal leading to elvhenan, over the hills, through the woods, past the magical golden gates of bubble- f (_) © k land, when I over heard your conversation, and I know it’s none of MY business, but….

      1. Mr. Morningstar

        YES.

  16. isitsevenyet

    They don’t really need a name, they all saw him. Just give them a description of what he looks like. It’s better than nothing and might just be enough for the cops to go on.

    1. Bekah

      Without evidence, the cops have nothing to go on but their word. When Ryan turns around and says he was assaulted and shows them the big gash on his face, Joyce is going to be the one in trouble, not him.

      Hence Sal’s objection to the whole premise.

      1. ALostProphet

        And the concussion. If he ran around after a blow like that, there’s a good chance the agitation could very easily make him just keel over and die.

      2. madd

        Never mind Sarah and her bat.

      3. Valdrax

        There were multiple witnesses to her drugged state and to Sarah beating him off of her. It’s not quite “he said, she said” here, and he’s going to have to come up with a more plausible motive for her to have glassed him (and for her behavior afterwards) than that of all her friends.

        Sal’s just biased against cops because she’s earned a criminal record for herself. They’re far more likely to treat Joyce with a more open mind, especially if she comes in with a group of friends / witnesses to make the report.

        1. Jacob

          ‘Friends’ here having the meaning of ‘her loyal drunken subjects’.

        2. Bekah

          The state of the witnesses (almost exclusively drunk out of their heads) and the fact that many of them are probably not of legal drinking age leads to two things: 1, they aren’t credible and 2, most of them won’t want to come forward.

        3. Valdrax

          Credible is relative.

          Which is more credible? Multiple witnesses of varying inebriation levels claiming the exact same thing (including at least two fully sober witnesses) or whatever story one guy comes up with for why someone like Joyce would attack him?

        4. Joraiem

          Still, we have the “beyond reasonable doubt” issue. It would be extremely difficult to get any sort of conviction just based on testimony of Joyce appearing to be drugged. Especially since there was tons of alcohol at the party. Any defense lawyer worth his salt would not only call the witnesses into question, but call Joyce herself into question, asking why she didn’t go to the hospital if she was really drugged, and if she has something to hide.

          Basically, Sarah screwed them over with her decision to listen to a drugged, delirious girl’s opinion on the topic.

    2. Aizat

      Besides, finding him will be easy. Just look for a blonde guy who have scars on his face.

    3. fellixe

      “Yes, officer, he is a white male, blond hair, blue eyes, light build, maybe 5’10”, jagged facial scar, walks as if the lower half of his spine was suddenly shifted 4″ to the left…”

  17. Tristan J

    I’m charmed by the fact that Sal’s accent includes pronouncing idea with an ‘r’. 🙂

    1. espanolbot

      She’s Scooby Doo!

    2. icepyrox

      Being from the South, I’ve always been amused by the migration of the letter R from New England to various other parts of the country.

      Speaking of though, what part of Tennessee is she from anyways? I just realized I read her accent with a certain drawl that I can’t quite place in TN (believe it or not different parts of the South have a different accent).

  18. Kernanator

    Hey, when an angry woman with a bat says something, you pay attention.

    1. David

      Also, when someone asks if you are a god…

      1. Mrelegos

        You say maybe?

        1. Kitsuki Noriyuki

          but what does God need with a starship? That’s the real question.

        2. Michelle J Caboose

          WIN

    2. Wandering Meme

      And when she says she’ll stop hitting you if you stay still, get up and run!

  19. Leon Real

    Sarah should definitely learn to be nice to people. Or at least not get on Billie’s bad side.

    1. Rex Hondo

      Billie has a good side?

    2. madd

      And she cares about Billie’s good side … why?

  20. Ryorin

    “An’ whose idea was it to wait until the drugs’er out of ‘er system to go through with this?”

    And millions thousands hundreds dozens of readers cried out I-told-you-so’s and were suddenly silenced…

    1. winochemist

      The drugs will still be in her system the next morning. She’d still test positive for date rape drugs. It isn’t fairy dust or something she’d sweat out. Those kinds of sedatives wear off gradually and linger in your system for more than the 8-12 hours she slept.

      Not critiquing the comic, because, well, it’s a comic. But I am a little alarmed by the amount of people who think this comic is perfectly applying real world science mechanics.

      1. Ryorin

        You make a good point… but the readers were referring to what would happen in the comic, methinks. If they don’t go to the police until after the drugs are out of her system, more drama.

        And this is a Willis comic.

  21. Romanticide

    dammit >.<

  22. Scoot

    Whoever asked to see her feet…this is your moment.

  23. Kalan

    So Billie, for one, welcomes our new insect overlords… wait, no aliens in this continuity.Might be the pounding headache talking.

  24. Webcomic Addict

    Between Sarah, Sal, Billie, and Amazigirl, there has to be SOME retribution in this guys future. Throw us a bone Willis!

  25. Lordphulish

    Bats add gravitas. It is a fact. Just ask Al Capone.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-sV-O2-jCY

    1. Muahahahaha

      Just ask Batman.

    2. johannhowitzer

      Just ask Teddy Roosevelt.

      1. Wackd

        No, you’re thinking sticks.

        1. Michelle J Caboose

          “In America, we say ‘stick’ like this: baseball bat. Which is very good for hittin’ kneesand stomachs. It’s also good for hittin’ balls.”

  26. espanolbot

    Aw, come on Joyce, he’s Ryan the Rapist! The alliteration’ll make it easier to remember in the future. 🙂

  27. Mancuso

    I know I’m irredeemably stupid, but I can’t stop figuring Christian Bale in full Dark Knight outfit, going “I haz a bat. I haz Gravitas.”

  28. Chase

    Wow. Sal’s got a point. They should have gone to the cops last night. At least they would have been able to prove she was drugged even if they didn’t have the guy’s name; they would have had his info.
    The only time my mom ever had to call the cops, she was asked why she didn’t call them at the time of the incident and that they can do nothing for her now that it had been two days after because she decided she needed time to “think about if the cops were needed or not”. -_-

  29. Ender

    Mike: “I didn’t catch his name, but I did make these castanets out of his testicles. That help?”

  30. begbert2

    I’m still wondering where she got the bat, and for that matter, where it ended up. Was it at the house with the party? On her person? Hammerspace? And does she still have it? (It’s a worthwhile question – you never know when you’ll need a little extra gravitas.)

    1. Valdrax

      It was in Joyce’s Apples to Apples box — duh!

    2. Gargamel

      Honestly I think Sarah is just paranoid.
      That’s why she brought the bat.

  31. Jimmy

    You should still go to the police! In case he tries it on someone else who might report him! Two hits against him is more believable than one!

    1. JK9000

      I’d agree, except that’d mean owning up to assaulting the guy with a glass and baseball bat, without solid evidence that it was in self-defense. It’d be enormously shitty for Sarah and Joyce to end on the losing side of the case when they didn’t do anything wrong.

  32. Throg

    Yup. Joyce is screwed. And not in a good way.

    1. madd

      Well, from Joyce’s current point of view, there is no good way.

  33. Asuka L.S.

    Ah, gravitas. The second go-to answer for any question in a Roman art class (after virtus). I’d forgotten all about it until now.

  34. rwl

    I am now hearing Applejack’s voice when reading Sal’s dialogue. Why do you do this to me, ponies?

    1. Boringamus

      I’ve been reading it in Applejack’s voice since long before I started watching my little pony, just out of sheer coincidence. You have to admit, it suits her.

  35. Khrene Cleaver

    I just realized if there no police report against him its possible for the guy to shove a repot up their asses is managed to get enough info about them

  36. BrokenEye, True False Prophet

    “Deliver me from all my transgressions: Make me not the reproach of the foolish.”

    Psalm 39:8

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