117

Penis
Posted on January 14, 2011 by David M Willis

117 thoughts on “Penis”

  1. arjay2813

    she already knows him so well

  2. Cratacon

    He’s serious. He’s going to Joe her with his penis.

    1. Bickendan

      Just rename it to his Joe.

      Joe is gonna Joe Joyce with his Joe.

      1. Gianni

        But would he Joe her in the butt? Tune in next week!

        1. Lis

          Not if Mike Mike’s her first

        2. Garth

          There is a word in the english language ‘jigger’ that has 21 meanings, including whisky glass, penis, vagina, bumhole and Ouija board
          he shall put his jigger in her jigger

        3. Hinoron

          Also used as a term for the hand-pumped forklift substitute used in warehouses to move pallets of stock around. There may be an official term for the thing, but no one I’d ever worked with knew it if so.

        4. Rogue of Space

          It’s called a pallet jack

        5. Dana

          Hand truck also works.

    2. Hinoron

      Strangely enough, his philosophy will probably lead to more personal growth on Joyce’s part than hers.

      Shame our culture is so fixated on the opposite.

  3. Jen Aside

    PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEnisface

    1. Cholma

      Don’t you mean, Puh-puh-puh-penis Face? Everyone can read his Puh-puh-puh-penis Face. ;p

  4. David Herbert

    It’d be funny if Joyce gives him a lecture on the bible so long he can’t get it up.

    1. Cratacon

      It’s be the first time something long put a stop to sex! Am I right? High five?

      1. Zap

        lmfao, nice

      2. NF

        “That’s what she–” [Mike nut-kick]

        1. David Herbert

          Mike would kill an erection by showing Joe a video of him (Mike) doing Joe’s mom.

      3. LT

        Who let The Todd in here?

    2. Kater

      A filibustered erection? I love it.

    3. A random reader

      Pfhaha. That would be great. I wonder what it would it would do to his mind to be unable to Joe her.

    4. Bill M.

      There are erotic parts of the Bible, you know… Jews used to have to be 30 before they were allowed to read Song of Solomon (also known as Song of Songs).

  5. addude

    Anyone else think it’s weird Sarah used the word Naif. It’s seems out of character to me. But if I’m the only one I’ll shut up

    1. Nichan

      I don’t see how it is, unless you’re just saying that because she’s black.
      It’s because she’s black, isn’t it??

      1. addude

        No it’s not because she’s black. I’m saying no one now a days uses the word Naif unless for online role playing game

        1. Tristan J

          It didn’t seem out of character to me, if only because she hasn’t really shown much of her character yet.

          If anything, her use of the word naif extends what we already know – that she’s fairly well-read, which is part of her whole ‘keeps to herself’ thing.

        2. addude

          you make a compelling argument and I commend you

  6. Wackd

    He’s fixing her with his tool.

    1. Joebo

      what else do you do with tools?

    2. PedanticJerkass

      If all you have is a penis, everything looks like a vagina.

      (Assuming you swing your tool that way, of course.)

  7. Ryune

    See now I’m just envisioning the rise of Anti Joyce.

    1. Haven

      it could be.

  8. Gianni

    These aren’t The Hammer.

    The Hammer is my penis.

    1. Joebo

      Curses, you beat me to it.

      1. Cassidy

        Oh my god. Mr Willis your readers are fantastic.

        1. Nichan

          Mike said the same thing. About your mom.

        2. Pagannerd

          He was being sarcastic. She wasn’t worth the nickel.

  9. Noel Schornhorst

    RAHR! Joe was the Sex Monster for halloween…

    …and 364 other days ever year.

  10. Joebo

    The Hammer is my penis.

    1. Rodney

      Does that make Danny Dr. Horrible…by association or something

  11. Raphaël Lafarge

    You know, Willis, you’re talking about penis a lot these days. Are you trying to reveal us something?

    1. photoman86

      That he has one? I know I’m awfully fond of my as well. It sure is good to be a man some times.

      1. PleasingFungus

        As always, the auto-avatars make everything funnier.

        1. Nichan

          Yes. Yes they do.

    2. Abjuron

      Maybe that his male characters have amazingly functional peeni? And that they like to wield their peeni* to alternatively fix and break things on occasion?

      *(Still trying to work out the spelling for this phonetically. I’ve just never liked the plural “penises” for some reason.)

      1. David

        Try penii or penes.

        1. Mal

          Penes works, but in general, the most accepted is penises. The ending of -ii only works for nouns ending in ius. But maybe Joe’s member gets enough use that it is allowed an extra vowel? I don’t know.

          I’m kind of ashamed to know the definitive plural of penis.

        2. PedanticJerkass

          Maybe he has a penius maximus.

        3. Abjuron

          I like penii (er…the spelling of it anyway! THE SPELLING!). I think using penes would just ruin the pasta of a similar spelling for me forever.

        4. Kamino Neko

          Penii would be the plural of penius.

          I don’t know any man with a penius.

          Plenty with penes, however.

          Penes and penises are both valid (as is the case with most borrowings). Penii, not.

      2. Lokitsu

        Does that make penes the new duct tape?

  12. Shift

    Wow…. Something about Joe having that smile on his face when he said that… It just feels so creepy! I don’t know why, but he just comes off even more perverted because of how happy he is about his plans.

  13. maze

    Joe, I know you’re not into rape, because then we wouldn’t like you, but chances are you will regret joe-ing Joyce, because one way or another, there is no way this can end well.

    1. A random reader

      Agreed.

    2. Joebo

      quite so

      …with my penis.

  14. wynne

    Does Joe even know what “naif” means?

    1. begbert2

      Nope – he misspelled it in the speech bubble, demonstrating unfamiliarity (and possibly mispronunciation, three seconds after hearing it.)

      1. Guitar Dude From SD

        Can someone tell me what a Naif is?

        1. David

          Your name links to a domain that could tell you!

        2. Guitar Dude From SD

          Thanks, not sure why I didn’t do that in the first place.

        3. Mindlink

          Google won’t tell me the difference between naif and naive, apart from that naif is apparently a masculine form and is spelled with a weird letter: “naïf”.

  15. TheAlucinaut

    I am genuinely disturbed by Joe’s looking to violate Joyce due to my inexplicable adoration of Earth 2 Joyce.

    …

  16. Chase

    Joe, fixing girls one (possible 2 or even 3) at a time……. with his penis.

    1. Joebo

      With his penis?

      1. Coobee

        With his penis.

  17. katamanda

    Sarah will regret her sex monster comment when Joe sprouts tentacles.

  18. LWS3

    Well, she is very religous, so maybe he can convince her she’s being annointed by his holy rod and staff?

    1. Dym

      you’ve should read “putting the devil back in hell.” Now there is a horrible way to get a religious girl to sleep with you. Horrible but very funny.

  19. ashleyw

    Somehow I think Joeing her will be harder than Joe is thinking here.

    1. A random reader

      I suspect so. Perhaps because of her devoutness, she will start preaching about how immoral it is to do it before marriage. He will counter that he isn’t Christian. This will either lead to her trying to convert him or surprising everyone with a comprehension of other religions in that while Jews don’t find sex shameful or a sin, they also believe in after marriage. If not, he’ll Joe the Joyce out of her. This will spawn anti-Joyce or a broken Joyce ridden with guilt from the pre-marital hanky panky. Either of which complete with Joe feeling bad. Or maybe I’m just whistling dixie out my bum.

  20. ADHadh

    I suspect Joyce will be the one doing the “fixing” here 😉

  21. ziggy78eog

    What a perfect couple. Each one thinking that he/she can help fix the other’s “little problem” (Joe being a Jew, and Joyce not being a complete women without being banged).

    1. A random reader

      Yay, I like this couple too.
      ……
      >.> <.<
      (runs to hide behind something)

  22. Richie9999

    Ah, Joe. You never cease to make me chuckle.

  23. Kater

    to paraphrase “A Softer World” http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=491

    “My Penis; The only scientific instrument I know how to play.”

  24. hectoruno

    The title of todays Shortpacked is Dicks. Right after a honeymoon it seems a strange thing to be thinking about.

  25. Ezzy

    I resent the new poll. I’m 16 but I know what a BBS is.
    Also, I <3 Sarah now.

    1. David

      Hey, you’ll come in useful whenever someone claims that Amber can’t possibly know what one is, being 18. Sweet.

    2. licoricepencil

      Same here! Yay!

  26. Roborat

    PEEEEENNNIIIIISSSS, it’s the new FAAAAACCCCEEE.

  27. Loki

    Really, it’s fun to imagine all of Joe’s dialogue ending with the phrase “with my penis”.

    “…Face the goddamned world like a friggin’ man… with my penis.”

    1. captainswift

      Now I shall compile a list of everything (DoA) Joe has ever said, with the phrase “with my penis” attached.

      1. captainswift

        “Did I hear my name in a tender soprano—with my penis?”
        “Oh, it’s just you. With my penis.”
        “Man, Dan, so many eligible chicks here, and only four years in which to do ‘em with my penis.”
        “Are you and Dorothy still a thing? I need to know if I can put her on the ‘do’ list with my penis.”
        “So, say, like eight tonight I can put her on the ‘do’ list with my penis?”
        “Make that seven thirty. With my penis.”
        “You are a moron. With my penis.”
        “Wow, Dan, dumped at 7:30 exactly, with my penis.”
        “Thought I was pushing it when I moved my prediction up from 8:00, but man, go me. With my penis.”
        “Hey, do you subscribe to my ‘Do’ list’s RSS feed, with my penis?”
        “Let’s see, Dorothy’s got a respectable rack, but could use a little more booty. Kinda bookish. With my penis.”
        “I’ll file her with the sevens, with my penis.”
        “Okay, fine, she’s and eight, if you’re gonna get pissy about it. With my penis.”
        “Oh, Dan? Yeah, he hasn’t really left his room. I think he must’ve skipped one of his classes this morning, with my penis.”
        “Whatever. Dude just needs to get laid, with my penis.”
        “I tried to hint at him that things were ending between you two, but he can be a dense little man, with my penis.”
        “Eh, maybe we just need to find him some other romantically-codependent foofus to latch on to, with my penis.”
        “Yo, hey, Dan. With my penis.”
        “Time to get up, with my penis.”
        “I let you skip all your classes yesterday, but today is a whole new day. Having a loser, invalid roommate is gonna harsh on my sexy time, with my penis.”
        “So suck it up, stop being depressed about some stupid shit, and face the goddamned world like a friggin’ man with my penis!”
        “Tell me, Dan, has anyone ever complimented a dude, genuinely, on his peejays? With my penis?”
        “Don’t worry, buddy, I’ve got a plan to cheer you up, with my penis.”
        “Hey, you’ve known me forever. What am I best at with my penis?”
        “We’re gonna go downstairs to the lobby, and I’ll help you find a hot chick who’ll make you forget all about ol’ whats-her-face, with my penis.”
        “I have apologized for that with my penis!”
        “You’ll see. Hot eligible chicks are just around the corner, with my penis.”
        “Two chicks dead ahead. Let me do the talking and follow my lead, with my penis.”
        “Hey, I know you! With my penis!”
        “Weren’t you in my gender studies class yesterday? It must be you, because I’m getting the same smile on my face. With my penis.”
        “Hey, let me introduce you guys to Dan. Dan’s my boy, and he just got out of a three-year relationship that ended ‘cuz he’s really big on commitment, with my penis.”
        “Say hi, Dan. With my penis.”
        “Here, you two get acquainted while the blonde and I give you some space, with my penis.”
        “Wear a condom, with my penis.”
        “So, hey, you free tonight, with my penis?”
        “O… kay. With… my penis.”
        “Uh, not exactly. I’m Jewish. With my penis.”
        “Um, sure, why not? With my penis.”
        “How long is this thing with my penis?”
        “So hey, Dan, you gonna score tonight, with my penis?”
        “Okay racist with my penis.”
        “Random? No, never random. You’re kind of sexually timid, so I pushed you towards the one who’s had sex before, thus someone who would be more likely to take the initiative with my penis.”
        “See, while I chose the one who needs to be broken in, if you catch my drift with my penis.”
        “I’m gonna upgrade her from a four to a ten with my penis.”
        “I don’t think what’s-her-name will be ready for a threesome for at least a few more dates with my penis.”
        “Geez, you talk like I’m gonna rape her or something. That’s not how I get my jollies with my penis.”
        “Like you said, she’s inexperienced, she’s that ‘nafe’ thing, and I’m just here to help her along, 100% willingly, to womanhood, with my penis.”
        “Not breaking her, fixing her. With my penis.”
        “With my penis. With my penis.”

        1. TsunamiJane

          Mon Capitain (for I know not your gender),

          You have made me laugh so hard I am crying.

          Thank you.

        2. Alechsa

          Feck….. it’s like the goddamn fortune cookie ‘in bed’ rule….

        3. arjay2813

          i’m gonna laugh so hard i cry. this page is one i’m bookmarking, just to read what you’ve posted oh captain my captainswift

        4. captainswift

          Gosh, thanks folks. Technically, I just took somebody else’s idea and ran with it, but I’m glad the work was appreciated.

        5. Joebo

          I kinda want “With my penis. With my penis.” on a t-shirt

          If it weren’t, you know, horribly inappropriate.

        6. Joebo

          …with my penis.

        7. PedanticJerkass

          To reiterate:

          “Oh, Dan? Yeah, he hasn’t really left his room. I think he must’ve skipped one of his classes this morning, with my penis.”
          “Whatever. Dude just needs to get laid, with my penis.”

        8. Peace in Our Time

          “I have apologized for that with my penis!”

        9. Loki

          My favorite: “I have apologized for that with my penis!”

    2. Shift

      Considering he said that to Danny, that really would bring up some interesting aspects about their friendship…

  28. Menachem Schmuel

    I have to say, I really, really disapprove of Joyce/Joe.

    Alot.

    1. Joebo

      with you penis?

      1. Scullwah

        with his penis

    2. Shift

      You don’t actually think a real relationship is going to come of it do you?

      And…

      with his penis.

      1. Menachem Schmuel

        No, but I still disapprove. With my pee-nice.

  29. quartz

    Y’know, everyone seems to think this is super creepy, but I mean, he’s not entirely wrong. He’s PHRASING it in a creepy way, but sometimes sheltered people do need a more experienced partner to help them discover their sexuality. Obviously Joyce is at least a little bit excited and interested, and if he continues to be as honest about his intentions as he has been so far, I think Joe is in a place to do her a lot of good.

    With his penis.

    1. Tristan J

      I notice a lot of what Joe says is ‘accurate analysis of the psychology of the situation, filtered through creepy misogyny’.

  30. Alechsa

    The Hammer is my Penis.

  31. arjay2813

    with my penis
    is the new FAAAAAACE

    1. Joebo

      indeed it is with my penis.

      1. Scullwah

        Your FAAAAAACE is with your Penis?

        I’m not sure if that’s creepy or impressive, with my penis.

  32. OhNoUDiNt

    Roz in the other universe summed it up. It helps girls to be happy to have dicks in them. So clearly Joe is just trying to be the giving sort that we all know him to be and Joe is nothing if not helpful…with his penis.

  33. Chiatroll

    I still think it’s cake in his hand that we can see. I wish I had a better food shot this strip.

  34. Janos

    He just wants to reach out and help her into womanhood with his PENIS is that so wrong to want to touch someones life with your penis? T___T

  35. Gianni

    With his penis.

    Just that sentence alone is worth COUNTLESS hours of amusement.

  36. Shift

    With his Penis.

    I don’t know why, but this just seems like it’s becoming the DoA equivalent of the Transformers Slogan of: Until All are One. I just have this mental image of Optimus Prime saying that in battle.

    1. Menachem Schmuel

      ROLL OUT (With our penises)

  37. Robert in San Diego

    Joe and Joyce on a date: Sweet outing with dinner, a movie and a good night kiss, or the relationship equivalent of a trainwreck?

    No, wait, this is Willis. He could be planning both.

    1. Muspel

      With his penis.

  38. doodlebug

    I like this Sarah a lot more than the one in roomies. She’s at least protective of Joyce.

  39. Kelvin

    Awww. Sarah already cares about Joyce.

    1. Shade Tail

      How do you figure that? She’s saying flat out that what she cares about is a quiet and stable room where she can live in peace. That’s not caring about Joyce, that’s caring only about herself.

  40. ThatGug

    Sex monster? who told you…

  41. RandomPerson12

    Joe says that as if it’s completely normal

  42. Cacturne

    AND ON THIS DAY, A MEME WAS BORN
    with his penis

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