166

Birth control
Posted on July 31, 2014 by David M Willis

166 thoughts on “Birth control”

  1. An Average Loser

    You’re just noticing that Walky?

    1. Tunaro

      To be fair, he was a little more preoccupied about her bein’ in his bed.

      1. Yotomoe

        I read that as peein’ and got worried…

        1. Tunaro

          See now, that’s somethin’ Mike woulda done.

        2. JacHunter

          While they were both in it.

        3. indignostudios

          Is this all going down while they’re awake or is it to make them both think the other has a “problem?”

        4. RevenantBacon

          Either way, Mike still wins.

      2. Lord Geovanni

        Its a concern when you have a girl friend cause that can lead to no sex no matter how good a friend Billie is and how sexually unappealing Wally has made her in his mind

  2. AHR

    I hope Joyce learns the correction to that at some point.

    1. Cheryl

      I would Flip my shit if walky got her pregnant! that would be a plot twist!

      1. TJ Baltimore

        If that happened, Dorothy would almost certainly *consider* an abortion (although I can’t comment if she would follow through with one). My first thought that abortion would be too controversial for Willis to put it in a webcomic . . . And then I realized that we’ve already had abusive family members, vigilantism, attempted RAPE . . . so I guess nothing is sacred.

        Does that mean that you are calling it, Cheryl? I’d say you have good chances.

        1. Dragon

          Birth control is pretty damn effective, Joyce. Maybe you should take a course on actual science and health that isn’t taught by a pastor.

        2. Opus the Poet

          Yep, Joyce uses both hormonal and barrier methods of BC, making her likelihood of pregnancy about .001%. Remember the Amazi-condoms?

        3. Bill

          Joyce uses what??!!!????  You mean Dorothy, right?  So far, Joyce’s cherry is still unpitted, shrink-wrapped, and hermetically sealed.

          Although if she ever does decide to partake in PMHP, we had better not let Joyce see this.

        4. Billy

          Not 100%, though. My mom got pregnant while on the pill. (It helps if you use the condom right, though. Apparently my dad put it on inside out, then flipped it around partway through. (Yes, my mom really told me about that.))

        5. Ocksgrough

          What, like Willis is actually going to vindicate the Contraception Horror Stories Youth Pastor? (ooh, maybe that’s the Whiteboard Ding-Dong Bandit’s associate supervillain!)

  3. Jen Aside

    WHERE IS THE REAL BILLIE WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HER YOU FAAAAAAACE STEALER

    1. Jay Eff

      Billie’s in ur room, replacin ur pills with mints

    2. Doctor_Who

      It’s Mirror Universe Billie! If you zoom in you can see the faintest hint of a goatee.

      Fortunately, Mirror Universe’s greatest hero has come to take her home. It’s…Amazi-Blaine!

      1. Tunaro

        Would Mirror-Mike be the world’s most polite sociopath, then?

        1. Yotomoe

          Only when he’s Sober.

        2. JacHunter

          I love/hate you guys.

        3. Dibullba

          Which pretty much means he would be drunk majority of the time.

        4. nothri

          What, you mean like Dexter?

      2. Ivan

        I see that on Italian & NYC chicks all the time! Arms too, and a bush with enough hair to shave and stuff small sofa pillows with!

  4. Plasma Mongoose

    Billie saying nice stuff about Walky? Something really is up.

    1. Camachri

      He’s gonna be on good terms with the president someday. Billie has to be able to mooch off him when that happens.

    2. apostateCourier

      Yeah. I’m worried that she’s probably suicidal. This is fairly textbook behavior.

  5. Nono

    David Walkerton: Straight A student, banged a hot girl and possibly future President, good friend.

    They’re going to run out of space on his tombstone at this rate.

    1. Yotomoe

      Just put: “May have been the 2nd coming of Jesus.”

    2. Doctor_Who

      Wait til they get to the thing about the Mountain Dew superdrink, and the Nobel it earned him.

      1. Nono

        For some reason, I’m just imagining Walky trying out dipping McNuggets into Mountain Dew.

    3. Tunaro

      An addendum chiseled onto the back: “Made of 100% Pure Caramel.”

    4. Nick

      “Saved world from aliens, was Cheesus for some time.”

      1. gwalla

        “Cheesus. The snack that dies for you!”

  6. Emperor Kiva

    Gee Walky do ya think?

  7. Yotomoe

    “Now you like me!? I’m finally ready to move on and it’s like…you’re gonna build me up all over again!”

    1. newllend

      Difference between Fin and Walky is that Walky/Dorothy has a chance to last the entire series.

  8. Plasma Mongoose

    Did your pastor tell you that the best birth control is oral/anal?

    1. Yotomoe

      That’s the Chastity Churchmouse Loophole Guarantee.

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        I must have missed that episode. 😀

        1. Yotomoe

          It only aired once…oddly enough.

        2. Plasma Mongoose

          Maybe they found out the guest-star in that episode was a pedo and thus removed it from syndication.

        3. Ivan

          Wasn’t that in a Chick Digestive Tract? “Going in the Out Door by Jenna Haze & Jack Chick”

        4. Gigafreak

          When God closes the front door, he leaves the back door open

        5. nothri

          This comment chain was like being trapped on a train when the bridge has collapsed. I knew where it was headed for some place terrible well before we got there, and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it.

        6. Plasma Mongoose

          I been watching a number of British panel shows and one of the things I have learnt is that a number of enterainers who were big in the 70s have turned out to be pedos.

        7. Jerden

          Yes, it seems that there was a lot of celebrity molesting in 1970s Britain. And now it’s a big scandal, because everyone testifying now, and the media’s all panicking, because this should probably have been sorted out sooner.

      2. roguebfl

        God’s Loophole by Garfunkel and Oates
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8ZF_R_j0OY

        1. Bill

          I wondered how long it would take someone to post or refer to this.

  9. Wack'd

    JOYCE’S PASTOR HAS THE ABILITY TO SEE INTO OTHER DIMENSIONS

    1. Doctor_Who

      Unfortunately, while looking into that one he learned that Jesus is just a toy store employee. He still hasn’t recovered.

    2. newllend

      All we need is Joyce confusing the pills in Dorothies bathroom for ments.

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        …and condoms for bubblegum. :d

        1. Ivan

          used ones for flavored center bubblegum…

        2. Heavensrun

          Dammit, Plasma, she’s a fundamentalist, not a conehead.

        3. Wack'd

          “She’s pregnant, Jim.”

        4. Plasma Mongoose

          Heavensrun: There’s a difference? 😛

        5. Hyperstar96

          Just can’t pass up an opportunity to be a complete asshole, can you?

  10. Lone Wolf

    Hah, nice Shortpacked! callback in the alt text. =D

    And yeah, considering what Billie’s normally like, I’d be kind of freaked out if I were Walky, too.

  11. newllend

    Ya I don’t think she’s completely back to normal.

  12. chris73

    I’m liking the development of Billie, she seems like the most together of the group

    1. Nono

      http://www.dumbingofage.com/2011/comic/book-1/06-yesterday-was-thursday/uptight/

      1. chris73

        Shes done the most growing up and is realizing what is and isn’t important, still has a ways to go but its a good start

      2. drs

        Despite yesterday’s comments pointing out Billie’s almost like the second Walkerton daughter, I’d failed to connect the dots of Billie and Sal knowing each other from childhood. Might put a new light on their early roommate strips when I re-read; it’s not just random crazy roommate, but someone Billie knows.

  13. caesaria82

    Billie and Walky are so jacket-twins-y today. Is that some kind of uniform or do they just happen to shop at the same jacket place?^^

    1. David M Willis

      I think you may be colorblind.

      1. bodmans

        dat gravatar with that comment… +1

        But I think he means that they got basicly the same jacket and shirt, but with the colors switched

        1. David M Willis

          Now I think you also may be colorblind!

        2. Björn

          Bodmans didn’t say the colors are switched *with each other*, just that they are switched. And that they are.

        3. begbert2

          Orange, yellow; light blue, cyan; it’s all the same, right?

        4. Clif

          Pretty much. At least to the achromatic.

        5. Beige

          walky – blue and dark blue jacket, yellow(ish shirt)
          Billie – dark blue and yellow jacket, blue shirt

          I’m assuming thats what they meant – even if the exact shades aren’t the same

      2. caesaria82

        I didn’t even say that they’re the same color and it’s not what I meant, either. It’s just… it’s the exact same style of jacket. In sligthly different colors. So it’s not at all weird to ask if they were bought at the same place 😉

  14. DanMan9820

    I like the Shortpacked! reference in the alt-text.

  15. Boomwolf97

    K so Joyce is still… her and Billie is most likely broken.

  16. Plasma Mongoose

    I just hope that someone replaced Ruth’s sleeping pills with mints.

    1. Izzy

      when all of a suuden her sleeping pills were myseriously replaced with wood!

  17. Sam

    Sadly I actually have read a real story similar to the hovertext. The roommate thought the birth control was mints and took one every day and replaced them with mints later. I think the person who they belonged to luckily caught on before anything happened but seriously.

    Don’t take round pill like objects when you don’t know for sure what they are – you are asking for something to go wrong, and especially don’t do so when they do NOT belong to you.

    1. John

      She didn’t catch on until after Mike knocked her up.

    2. Dean

      “Those are my cyanide pills, for in case the government figures out what I’m up to. You didn’t eat any, did you?”

      1. Romanticide

        For lack of lack button I will give you a +1 😀

        1. Romanticide

          gahh I meant like button >.<

        2. begbert2

          There also isn’t a lack button so you were still right.

        3. Clif

          The edit button is also a lacking button.

        4. Bill

          The ‘lack’ and ‘like’ buttons were lost in the last edit.

        5. gwalla

          There needs to be a lick button.

    3. Pyr05

      They were actually extacy pills.

    4. Ivan

      Who gets birth control tabs that are not in compacts or weekly labeled 21 or 28 day Week 4 ferritin booster foil-packs?

      I’ve never seen loose bc in my existence except at the mfgr.

      1. Sam

        I think they were in a bottle rather than a packet – some do look like they would be mints/tic tacs in such a container.

  18. JacHunter

    Wooo alt text cross-series references!

  19. Mr. Random

    Freakin’ Robin. Seriously, she should have known.
    Who would keep Mints in the bathroom?

    1. Yotomoe

      People who want fresh breath after they poo.

      1. chris73

        Sounds like a Southpark episode

    2. newllend

      Hey some of us take extra steps to make shore our breaths are fresh after brushing our teeth

  20. Idon'tcarenomore

    Billie is not ‘right’ yet, but at least she is recognizing the fact that Walky did try to help her and is a friend.
    Good step, she knows she has at least 1 friend then.

    1. apostateCourier

      Unfortunately no, this is fairly textbook suicidal behavior. I do hope someone notices.

      1. begbert2

        On the upside the reasons Willis won’t kill Ruth apply to Billie too, except moreso since more people know her personally.

      2. Clif

        Which text-books?

  21. Packy

    I’m just going to say that the cosplay Willis linked to is AMAZING.

    As is appropriate for Amazi-Girl cosplay.

    1. Kryss LaBryn

      Yes! Great stuff!

      I hope she does do that uni shoot and he links to it here too; I’d love to see that as well!

  22. Kernanator

    Reminds me of the time my elementary school bully greeted me politely. I immediately checked my desk for scorpions. What I’m saying is that Walky should probably check under his pillow.

  23. AgentKeen

    “OoOoOoOoO Birth control is only 99.9% effective, and since it makes you a whore who has sex with 1000s of partners, you’re guaranteed to get pregnant OoOoOoOoO”

    (The views expressed in this comment are, hopefully, fictional and do not reflect those of the commenter.)

    1. Ivan

      What a filthy virgin whore you are!

  24. ChessboardMan

    For some reason the alt text initially seemed to read “OOOOOOOOooooo and there was somebody in the room” when I initially checked it, which felt weird especially when “And there was somebody in the womb! OOOOOooooooo!” Would work better. Then when I went to the comments, the alt text was working fine again and made perfect sense.

  25. Pyr05

    Birth control makes you grow extra limbs and perpetuates your puberty. It doesn’t prevent pregnancy and it makes sex hurt even MORE than if you weren’t on birth control and just had sex when you’re married. Also, the pill instantaneously swells to 10,000x the size you see, and only ‘those girls’ can manage to take them by swallowing only.

    1. Yotomoe

      I always thought it was Penis Enhancement pills that made you grow extra limbs. I saw an ad that said it’ll make you “Grow an Extra foot!”

      1. Ivan

        You’re thinking of the Expanding Goatse Polymer Pod – insert, sit in bathtub, relax, call 911 for ambulance, procto-dilation and vacuum breaker to remove! (Plus good story about how you tripped over the UPS guy and don’t know how that got in there!)

        But hey – at least now you can take an orange road cone!

      2. Ivan

        >>> “Grow an Extra foot!”

        That’s for thalidomide babies – extra feet, flippers, whatever – just so you have an even set.

        1. Plasma Mongoose

          Thalidomide babies have shrunken deformed limbs not extra ones.

        2. whatintheliteralfuck

          unless you are a mad scientist who likes to make mongooses made out of plasma and thalidomide babies with extra feet.

        3. Ivan

          Yotomoe’s pills are to help thalidomide babies grow new ones along with the flippers.

          Get it now?

  26. Chest Manly

    Crud, using that threat Willis can make me do anything.

    1. butting

      I dunno, if he’s gambling that we’d rather be his friends than Amazi-Girl’s, he may just lose.

      1. Clif

        Decisions. Decisions.

  27. nothri

    I think the alttext is officially trolling the Shortpacked audience.

  28. nothri

    1. So did that last soul crushing experience force Billie to reevaluate how she treats people in general and attempt in a small way to start over and grow into a kinder, better human being?

    2. Or has sleep deprivation caused her to forget that the only emotion she must ever show the Walkerton is open contempt with a dose of snarky bongo?

    I will hope for number one and expect number two.

    1. Nono

      3. Dina has leaned comedy, and Billie is her first victim.

      1. ninja_jesus

        Her attempt at comedy has completely rewritten Billie’s personality!

    2. Kai

      4. She figured, if she told Walky what he wants to hear, he will leave her alone.

    3. apostateCourier

      5. This is textbook pre-suicide behavior. I really hope someone notices before it’s too late.

      1. Clif

        Yes, giving someone who tried to help positive feedback is certainly textbook pre-suicide behavior. You should always call 911 whenever someone thanks you for something you did.

    4. timemonkey

      Well, she did hit an emotional low so deep she crawled into bed with him in the middle of the night for comfort. And he then went out of his way to make sure she was okay and was even coming to check on her. I’m sure she appreciates that somebody still gives a damn about her.

  29. orangey

    nawwwwwww billie, this was even better than what i expected. looks like shes heading a step in the right direction

    1. apostateCourier

      This is not Billie being happy, this is Billie being suicidal. This is textbook “happiness” before offing herself. She needs help, and fast.

      1. Clif

        Yes, she gives Walky one encouraging smile and she obviously has a case of suicidal happiness. Where are you getting this? Not saying that you are necessarily wrong in your predictions, but you seem to be doing a really massive case of conclusion jumping.

  30. whatintheliteralfuck

    And the winner of the “No Shit Sherlock” of the year award iis. . .
    David Walkerton!

    1. Deanatay

      “That LITERALLY makes me want to smack a crowbar across your stupid head!”

      Sorry, had to quote Weird Al there. I’ve had a lot of his stuff bouncing around in my head, lately.

      I’m a bit of a fan.

  31. Doc Harleen

    I like Joyce, but if she was real and I knew her, I’d be arguing with her constantly.

  32. Stranger

    Joyce, your pastor is a lying, manipulative scumbag hoping to keep you as a submissive little girl afraid of sexuality, because otherwise, you might start questioning ALL of his bullshit.

    1. Jimmy

      So weird. I’m an agnostic but that comment hurt even me. Haha

      1. apostateCourier

        Stranger’s right, though.

    2. Clif

      It’s seldom necessary to postulate hostile manipulative plotting when simple human stupidity is an adequate explanation.

      1. Deanatay

        True. You’d be surprised how many awful things in our world can be explained by someone meaning well, but being incredibly ignorant.

      2. Richard Oot

        All hail Hanlon’s Razor!

  33. drs

    Given her plans, I’d like to think Dorothy is using IUDs or implants, not pills. Safer and more cost-effective in the long run… especially when free under Obamacare. Does this strip’s time pre-date the contraceptive mandate?

    1. Yotsuyasan

      I think this comic operates under a sliding time scale, where the current time is in flux. Heck, Amazi-girl once dropped a Transformer that wasn’t even out yet when the strips were published, so those comics technically took place in the future!

      As far as birth control methods, well, Dorothy and Walky did use an Amazi-condom, but I suppose it is possible since no method is 100% safe, Dorothy likes to double-up to be extra safe.

      Or perhaps, since she doesn’t have a complete medical history on Walky, she wanted to be safe from STDs. (Although that possibility may be negated if I remember correctly other things they may have done together before breaking out the Amazi-condom.)

      1. Grackle

        Doubling-up would fit with the secure birth control comment from yesterday.

        Alternately, she had him wear the condom because she knows he’s inexperienced and wants to help him last longer.

        1. Bagge

          Also, talking about the condom was a cute way of making her intentions clear to Walky. Even if they wouldn’t strictly NEED the condom for birth control (even if it would be advisable for STD prevention given how short time they have been together) it puts focus on WHY a condom might be an issue.

      2. Deanatay

        Dorothy is a young, ambitious, career-focused young woman with liberal parents – I suspect she has a long-term birth control implant. A single injection, and you don’t have to worry about pregnancy for years. It seems an ideal fit for her.

  34. Yotsuyasan

    Based on what we’ve seen of Billie, especially her thoughts when she’s alone, I don’t think this is where the story is headed… but in real life, if I had a friend who had seemed to be having emotional problems, including some serious depression, who then started acting really happy and kind with little explanation… I’d actually be a bit worried! (Think Dee from the reimagined Battlestar Galactica…)

    1. Jen

      Very true, Yotsuyasan. I agree on all points. In real life, if a friend did this, I’d also be on the lookout to see if they look like they’re putting their affairs in order and if they’re giving away any valued possessions.

  35. KenB3

    That cosplayer does look like like a real life AmaziGirl. Very cool.

    1. Jen

      Agreed, KenB3! She looks fantastic! 😀

  36. apostateCourier

    Oh crap please please someone notice the textbook suicidal “happiness.” She is not happy, she wants to kill herself.

    1. Betty Anne

      Pretty sure Walky noticed.

    2. Clif

      All this projection is worrisome. You should seek help immediately.

      1. JWLM

        Nah, there’s some truth in the grandparent’s post. One of the symptoms to watch for in someone who is depressed is for them to suddenly and inexplicably have their mood improve. It’s not alone — generally, it’s one of the secondary symptoms, usually accompanied by more aggressive ones like giving away prized possessions and the like, but it is (or at least should be) a bit worrisome.

        Then again, hey, look — Walky is worried, to just the extent he should be.

    3. timemonkey

      I doubt the comic’s going anywhere near that. Billie’s behaviour’s been going through cycles of feeling good about herself, having everything blow up in her face and then getting depressed. Then it starts all over again. The booze does not help, what with being addictive, destructive and a depressant. Granted this is probably the lowest point we’ve seen Billie hit it was also kind of inevitable, she’s been trying to maintain a delusion of superiority while reality’s been slapping her in the face repeatedly, she’s still been drinking herself stupid regularily and she’s been dealing with Ruth which would eb confusing and taxing even without the other crap.

  37. Bloop Bloop Bloop

    Robin’s barely in this comic and Roz would never switch out anyone’s birth control pills for mints.

    The culprit must be Riley.

    1. AgentKeen

      “I thought they were the perfect size to add to my cereal and give it a minty taste.”

  38. Vree

    “Wait…Gasp! ANTI-BILLIE!”
    “Got it right the first time.”

  39. cmd1095

    that hovertext XD having just binge-read shortpacked makes it all the more hilarious

  40. dailybrad

    Aww, this is sweet.

    1. Jackson

      It is sweet. And that’s what worries me. Since when is Billie sweet?

      feelin on all cylinders over here

  41. Aaron Bourque

    Don’t worry about it, Walky. She just ended a toxic relationship, her mood is going to be weird for a bit.

  42. Clif

    Nice to see Billie growing up.

    1. AtomsOrSystems

      Could be. I’m not convinced that this isn’t a (rather worrying) progression in her own depression.

  43. MiraiKira

    Did anyone else read that alt text as saying ‘MINCE’ instead of ‘MINTS’ the first time they read it?

    1. Wack'd

      Say what you want about America, thirteen bucks can still get you a hell of a lot of mince!

      1. Bill

        But not nearly enough minge.

        1. AtomsOrSystems

          And it won’t evenbegin to cover the costs of treating mange.

        2. Roborat

          And don’t even think about the cost of repairing munge.

  44. Regalli

    Seriously, Walky, good job.

  45. ZORK

    I can kinda relate to Walky right now. It also happened to me a few times that I helped friends without actually realizing how much I helped them.

    Also, the Amazi-Girl cosplay is sure super-awesome.

  46. nothri

    Oh my how far we’ve come….

    http://www.dumbingofage.com/2010/comic/book-1/01-move-in-day/card/

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