So true. I’ve spent entire days in bed when my depression gets bad enough.
Captain_CloudWolf
I’m struggling so much right now just getting up and going to classes when all I want to do is just sleep and not exist.
…
I should probably be taking antidepressant drugs.
It might be worth spending some of your finite energy visiting the doctor.
But even if you can’t, please know this. You are amazing and worthy of life.
Captain_CloudWolf
I know its dumb, but my brother failed out of college two years ago because of depression and hasn’t done anything else since. I’m really afraid to tell my dad I’m struggling, and I’m not sure I can afford the medicine without his health care. I know I should just tell him, and it won’t be that bad, but I can’t. I can’t let him down. So I’ve just been dealing with it as best I can, and using what my university has to offer. Unfortunately I’m getting worse.
miados
offers comfort with light internet shoulder touches.
Myth
I can’t claim to know your dad, but listen: getting help is important for you, but it’s also the best way to “not let him down,” if that’s what you’re really worried about. Your brother was so crushed by his depression that he could not cope with real-life tasks like college. You don’t want to follow in his footsteps, I get that. But toughing it out on your own and keeping silent about your struggle is more likely to end badly, because you are refusing help that could otherwise have been important to your success. I hope this makes sense, it’s 2 in the morning.
Lots of people suffer from depression and they think they have to do it quietly. But when you isolate yourself, and keep that depression hidden from the people around you, you are hurting your ability to overcome the depression and heal. I’ve never heard of anyone being able to cope with depression by themselves, and that’s why it’s such an insidious problem: depression tricks your brain into thinking you’re lost and helpless and there’s no way out. There is a way out, but most people need outside help to find the path out of that dark place. You need support and love to conquer depression, but it compels you to fold in on yourself and block yourself off from the rays of sunlight that could help you navigate the darkness.
So please, ask for help. Please do not suffer in silence. I, a total stranger, want nothing more than to help you, so I can guarantee there are thousands, or even hundreds of thousands more who want the same thing, and many of them have the resources to do so. Some people have gone so far as to dedicate their life to helping depression sufferers like you — like the people who work the Suicide Help/Prevention Hotline.
JasonAW3
It should also be noted that depression can be VERY sneaky.
From all indications, I myself have, for several years now, (possibly even decades) been in a state of depression.
This has only become readily apparent to me after certain job related issues drove me to seek out help in determining what my current problems are.
While I had helped others in the past find the help that they needed, I myself was simply too close to the problem to realise that I too, was suffering from depression.
So if your friends notice the sort of behavior associated with depression in you, to seek help as soon as possible. There are many good websites out there to help recognize the symptoms, as well as who to contact for help.
Legasher
That’s not dumb at all. Feeling like you’re letting someone down is pretty much one of the defining traits of depression. I would also strongly suggest the doctor.
I had severe depression in college, but didn’t recognize it for what it was. It’s stupid obvious now, but when I was sitting on the third floor window for hours, the entire time visualizing the jump, fall and impact and when I didn’t have the energy to get between classes in the same building without a nap; I thought I was bored with my major. I thought if I just could find something that interested me (or, for honesty’s sake, if I could find someone who loved me so I could focus my attention on them) then everything would just get better. I knew the issue had to be me, but couldn’t figure out how. Going four years with untreated depression was truly terrible, and it cost my ability to perform and caused me to make some poor decisions that have snowballed into bigger consequences since (I changed my major to a useless one that, surprise, I enjoyed even less than my original major), and has left me with few lasting relationships from that time period.
It sucks to go to the doctor, it’s scary to go through the process of finding the right medicine, and it takes far too much time to feel like it’s making a difference anyways. But really, not doing so then has been a major regret since. The decision to do so is personal and only you have any right to make a decision on the matter, but that’s my experience.
Lokitsu
Captain Cloudworth, antidepressants aren’t terribly expensive anymore thanks to widespread use and they WILL help you cope. And it is like turning on a light switch: things that used to crush you become… just things again. You regain perspective and balance. I won’t lie, it takes time to work and therapy helps a lot on top of it, but please see a doctor who can diagnose you. Your dad cares more about YOU than a medical bill.
Terry
Captain Cloudwolf, in addition to what other people said, as a mental health professional, I can also say that most psychiatry offices have access to resources that can help you if you don’t have the money to afford your medication. Things from agencies that will help you cover the costs to programs that will help connect you with insurance, and even discount cards for medication. If you let people know that you are struggling (in any way) you might be surprised to find out all the help that people are willing to offer you both emotionally and tangibly. But people can’t help unless they know that you need/want it. So asking is the first step.
Just a dad
I’m a dad. I know a lot of other dads. Ask for the help. That’s what your dad would want. If he knew you were struggling over whether to ask, he would beg you to ask him. You’ll both be better off. I wish you peace and happiness.
hof1991
I wish my son would ask for help more. He let his student loans go into default rather than ask for help. He lives with us but won’t ask for help from us or his brothers, even though we have contacts that might help him get back in the workforce. He won’t go to the VA for assistance he has certainly earned. He won’t see a doctor, since he doesn’t want to need help.
Being willing to ask for help is a gift to those who are just waiting to know how to help.
trlkly
Just want to add that antidepressants are so cheap they’re on the Walmart $4 prescription plan.
The most expensive part is the actual therapy, but, since you are on campus, you tend to get that for free. So the only thing to be concerned about is the doctor’s visit itself.
But, if you’re hurting for money, you don’t have to keep going to the fancy psychologist the entire time. They can get you on, get you started, and then turn you over to a basic PCP.
That’s what I’m doing.
Betty Anne
^ This. I saw the counselors on campus for free while I was a student, but it was my primary doc who figured out a treatment plan for me in more detail and got me my prescription. Now I go back to him every six months for a med check and to see how I’m doing. 🙂
StClair
You are also not alone, not by a long shot.
I can’t fix me, but I can support you, and encourage you: tell him.
You being sick (and depression is an illness) is no more “letting him down” than catching a cold, or malaria, or leukemia. It is a thing that can be treated, but not simply wished away, and it is not your fault.
Leorale
If you want, you can spend that energy making an appointment with the campus mental health services place first — that way, you can tell him “I have depression too but here’s a really solid thing I did already to begin addressing it, so that it won’t be like my brother’s, my first appointment is on Friday”. That’s a much different conversation, it’s not just “by the way I have the scary thing”, it’s “and I did a thing to take care of it”.
Leorale
That was to Captain_Cloudwolf, and PS. You aren’t letting anyone down. Depression runs in families, you didn’t do anything to get it. Depression is not the same from sibling to sibling, though, so your experience with depression needn’t be like your brother’s. Love to you from the internet.
Leorale
–oh derp you already said you are using campus services by yourself, in the face of stay-in-bed-level depression. That is super rad of you. Feel free to emphasize that you’ve been that proactive, as it is legit impressive.
NelC
The drugs help me a lot. I think I might be approaching climbing out of this slough soon. Ish.
But seriously, I’m feeling better than I have for a while. Get your spare spoons together, get to your health care provider, and talk it over with them. I think you’ll find it’s a thing worth doing. Courage, mon/ma brave! I’m sending you my spare vibes over the ether.
Betty Anne
That’s what sent me to seek out help. I was spending days in bed during college, not just during classes I didn’t care about, but during classes I actually *enjoyed.* And then I’d feel terrible about ducking out, because I felt like I was letting my prof down and insulting his teaching (which I wasn’t, and TBH, he’d seen enough skippers to not take it personally), but then I’d start avoiding class more. 🙁 I was getting a D in that class when I finally went to the campus counseling office, just for having not turned in any work, because I wasn’t in class to turn it in. 🙁
That was the hardest part for me – staying in bed all day, feeling worthless about staying in bed all day, telling myself if I just got up and went to class everything would straighten out, and then staying in bed all day anyway. 🙁 Once my counselor helped me get past that cycle, I was able to start taking more proactive steps to manage my depression.
Captain_CloudWolf
Thank you to everyone, it’s nice to hear from you all. I’ll try and look into antidepressants, since I’m in college I should be able to find something that will make it cheaper. I’m also trying to work up the courage to talk to my Dad. I know I need to, but courage isn’t something I have a lot of to spare right now when it’s scary to interact with people who I don’t know. I had really bad social anxiety in high school, and right when I was getting over that, depression and lack of self confidence brought it back and made it worse. Hopefully I’ll be able to talk to him soon. Thanks to everyone.
Oh, and Betty Anne? I’m kinda in that cycle now. My worst days are when I miss the classes I like.
Also, we’ll still be seeing plenty of Ruth, right? It would be interesting to see her get back on her feet and broaden her horizons. Besides, she’s probably my favorite character (or heavily in the running).
After Quark hacked all the terminals on Deep Space 9 to play ads for his bar – “Come to Quark’s, Quark’s is fun!” – Major Kira warned him that if they were not gone by the time she got back, “I will come to Quark’s. And I will have fun.”
Dellaran
I miss Major Kira!
trlkly
As I’ve recommended before, check out MarkWatches, where you can read a guy who is experiencing DS9 (and all the rest of Star Trek) for the first time. You can even download videos to watch along with.
It kinda feels like you’re watching them fresh again.
(Note, I am not in any way associated with MarkDoesStuff. This is just like a webcomic recommendation.)
Passchendaele
Honestly, fluffy happy fun cave sounds like what Joyce would call it if she became RA. The wing would still dread it as much as the murder cave.
It’s not the long-term effects of the meds, though.
I wonder how much of it is the brief intervention she’s had, how much is the momentary high of a changing life course, and how much of it is just having had a few days away.
Maybe.. But “fake it til you make it” is a thing. If she wears a mask projecting a bit of positivity, people will respond to that mask by being friendly and kind, which will in turn help Ruth to raise her mood. Also, the act of smiling releases chemicals in the brain that also raise mood. In this way, the mask can start to slowly become the real Ruth.
Terry
Not that she wouldn’t have to take the mask off at some point to process what is really going on, but that’s what group or her counselor are for. As long as she is processing things, that mask is not necessarily a bad thing. I just wanted to stress that since my previous statement didn’t make that clear.
I have to say, it’s probably a bit of both? Ruth can be unpredictable and fall under persistenly-occurring mood changes, so it’s always good to act cautious around her, especially as she’s acting so unnaturally calm right now. At the same time, Billie knows that she can’t be around Ruth all the time anymore, and that unnerves her, as she’s worried she won’t be able to say a fitting goodbye (as Joyce is pushing her to do), and that Ruth might spiral into depression and alcoholism without her around. Hopefully, Ruth will be fine, as long as there aren’t any trucks.
Personally, I think this is more Billie worrying that “what if this isn’t the Ruth I fell in love with anymore”. The thought scares her, but she doesn’t want to speak badly of what she acknowledges might somehow be a good thing for Ruth.
I think it’s even more than that. Billie is still convinced that she’s poison and will destroy anyone who isn’t “broken” and “unhealthy”. So if Ruth is getting healthier and better…
In her mind, she’s terrified that she’s going to destroy Ruth’s recovery or that a healthy Ruth will realize she’s as “poisonous” as Alice considered her.
153 thoughts on “Lights”
Ana Chronistic
“I saved A WHOLE SPOON by giving up this R.A. shit!”
fuckin spoon theory
Fart Captor
SPOOOOOOOOON
Quasi
Man I love the Tick
butts
Not in the face! Not in the face!
Skilltagz
Spoon?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcE0aAhbVFc
i don’t know how to do hyperlinked text 😛
Pablo360
<a href=”URL” title=”hovertext (optional)”>This is the text that is displayed in the comment itself.</a>
Pablo360
Lemme try that again: <a href="URL" title="hovertext (optional)">This is the text that is displayed in the comment itself.</a>
Sergei Andropov
Let me try.
[a href=”http://butt-taco.org/”]This is the text that is displayed in the comment itself.[/a]
Sergei Andropov
Huh. Maybe the internet’s broken.
Pablo360
No, use angles brackets.
Fangirlfrankenstein
Spoon Theory has saved me, many times over, the exhaustion that comes with trying to explain to people.
butts
Billie’s almost as weirded out as the rest of us.
Znayx
Very important keyword, there. “Almost”.
TheAnonymousGuy
I know there’s still a ways to go but, seeing Ruth smile, genuinely smile, is a leap in the right direction
Chaucer59
Is it? Will Billie still love this new, smiling Ruth?
Fart Captor
…huzzah?
Betty Anne
No, this is exactly what it’s like. I actually turn on lights now, too. 😀
Cerberus
Yup, when you’re down in the hole, the simplest of tasks can take up all the energy you’ve got.
Valerie
So true. I’ve spent entire days in bed when my depression gets bad enough.
Captain_CloudWolf
I’m struggling so much right now just getting up and going to classes when all I want to do is just sleep and not exist.
…
I should probably be taking antidepressant drugs.
Cerberus
It might be worth spending some of your finite energy visiting the doctor.
But even if you can’t, please know this. You are amazing and worthy of life.
Captain_CloudWolf
I know its dumb, but my brother failed out of college two years ago because of depression and hasn’t done anything else since. I’m really afraid to tell my dad I’m struggling, and I’m not sure I can afford the medicine without his health care. I know I should just tell him, and it won’t be that bad, but I can’t. I can’t let him down. So I’ve just been dealing with it as best I can, and using what my university has to offer. Unfortunately I’m getting worse.
miados
offers comfort with light internet shoulder touches.
Myth
I can’t claim to know your dad, but listen: getting help is important for you, but it’s also the best way to “not let him down,” if that’s what you’re really worried about. Your brother was so crushed by his depression that he could not cope with real-life tasks like college. You don’t want to follow in his footsteps, I get that. But toughing it out on your own and keeping silent about your struggle is more likely to end badly, because you are refusing help that could otherwise have been important to your success. I hope this makes sense, it’s 2 in the morning.
Lots of people suffer from depression and they think they have to do it quietly. But when you isolate yourself, and keep that depression hidden from the people around you, you are hurting your ability to overcome the depression and heal. I’ve never heard of anyone being able to cope with depression by themselves, and that’s why it’s such an insidious problem: depression tricks your brain into thinking you’re lost and helpless and there’s no way out. There is a way out, but most people need outside help to find the path out of that dark place. You need support and love to conquer depression, but it compels you to fold in on yourself and block yourself off from the rays of sunlight that could help you navigate the darkness.
So please, ask for help. Please do not suffer in silence. I, a total stranger, want nothing more than to help you, so I can guarantee there are thousands, or even hundreds of thousands more who want the same thing, and many of them have the resources to do so. Some people have gone so far as to dedicate their life to helping depression sufferers like you — like the people who work the Suicide Help/Prevention Hotline.
JasonAW3
It should also be noted that depression can be VERY sneaky.
From all indications, I myself have, for several years now, (possibly even decades) been in a state of depression.
This has only become readily apparent to me after certain job related issues drove me to seek out help in determining what my current problems are.
While I had helped others in the past find the help that they needed, I myself was simply too close to the problem to realise that I too, was suffering from depression.
So if your friends notice the sort of behavior associated with depression in you, to seek help as soon as possible. There are many good websites out there to help recognize the symptoms, as well as who to contact for help.
Legasher
That’s not dumb at all. Feeling like you’re letting someone down is pretty much one of the defining traits of depression. I would also strongly suggest the doctor.
I had severe depression in college, but didn’t recognize it for what it was. It’s stupid obvious now, but when I was sitting on the third floor window for hours, the entire time visualizing the jump, fall and impact and when I didn’t have the energy to get between classes in the same building without a nap; I thought I was bored with my major. I thought if I just could find something that interested me (or, for honesty’s sake, if I could find someone who loved me so I could focus my attention on them) then everything would just get better. I knew the issue had to be me, but couldn’t figure out how. Going four years with untreated depression was truly terrible, and it cost my ability to perform and caused me to make some poor decisions that have snowballed into bigger consequences since (I changed my major to a useless one that, surprise, I enjoyed even less than my original major), and has left me with few lasting relationships from that time period.
It sucks to go to the doctor, it’s scary to go through the process of finding the right medicine, and it takes far too much time to feel like it’s making a difference anyways. But really, not doing so then has been a major regret since. The decision to do so is personal and only you have any right to make a decision on the matter, but that’s my experience.
Lokitsu
Captain Cloudworth, antidepressants aren’t terribly expensive anymore thanks to widespread use and they WILL help you cope. And it is like turning on a light switch: things that used to crush you become… just things again. You regain perspective and balance. I won’t lie, it takes time to work and therapy helps a lot on top of it, but please see a doctor who can diagnose you. Your dad cares more about YOU than a medical bill.
Terry
Captain Cloudwolf, in addition to what other people said, as a mental health professional, I can also say that most psychiatry offices have access to resources that can help you if you don’t have the money to afford your medication. Things from agencies that will help you cover the costs to programs that will help connect you with insurance, and even discount cards for medication. If you let people know that you are struggling (in any way) you might be surprised to find out all the help that people are willing to offer you both emotionally and tangibly. But people can’t help unless they know that you need/want it. So asking is the first step.
Just a dad
I’m a dad. I know a lot of other dads. Ask for the help. That’s what your dad would want. If he knew you were struggling over whether to ask, he would beg you to ask him. You’ll both be better off. I wish you peace and happiness.
hof1991
I wish my son would ask for help more. He let his student loans go into default rather than ask for help. He lives with us but won’t ask for help from us or his brothers, even though we have contacts that might help him get back in the workforce. He won’t go to the VA for assistance he has certainly earned. He won’t see a doctor, since he doesn’t want to need help.
Being willing to ask for help is a gift to those who are just waiting to know how to help.
trlkly
Just want to add that antidepressants are so cheap they’re on the Walmart $4 prescription plan.
The most expensive part is the actual therapy, but, since you are on campus, you tend to get that for free. So the only thing to be concerned about is the doctor’s visit itself.
But, if you’re hurting for money, you don’t have to keep going to the fancy psychologist the entire time. They can get you on, get you started, and then turn you over to a basic PCP.
That’s what I’m doing.
Betty Anne
^ This. I saw the counselors on campus for free while I was a student, but it was my primary doc who figured out a treatment plan for me in more detail and got me my prescription. Now I go back to him every six months for a med check and to see how I’m doing. 🙂
StClair
You are also not alone, not by a long shot.
I can’t fix me, but I can support you, and encourage you: tell him.
You being sick (and depression is an illness) is no more “letting him down” than catching a cold, or malaria, or leukemia. It is a thing that can be treated, but not simply wished away, and it is not your fault.
Leorale
If you want, you can spend that energy making an appointment with the campus mental health services place first — that way, you can tell him “I have depression too but here’s a really solid thing I did already to begin addressing it, so that it won’t be like my brother’s, my first appointment is on Friday”. That’s a much different conversation, it’s not just “by the way I have the scary thing”, it’s “and I did a thing to take care of it”.
Leorale
That was to Captain_Cloudwolf, and PS. You aren’t letting anyone down. Depression runs in families, you didn’t do anything to get it. Depression is not the same from sibling to sibling, though, so your experience with depression needn’t be like your brother’s. Love to you from the internet.
Leorale
–oh derp you already said you are using campus services by yourself, in the face of stay-in-bed-level depression. That is super rad of you. Feel free to emphasize that you’ve been that proactive, as it is legit impressive.
NelC
The drugs help me a lot. I think I might be approaching climbing out of this slough soon. Ish.
But seriously, I’m feeling better than I have for a while. Get your spare spoons together, get to your health care provider, and talk it over with them. I think you’ll find it’s a thing worth doing. Courage, mon/ma brave! I’m sending you my spare vibes over the ether.
Betty Anne
That’s what sent me to seek out help. I was spending days in bed during college, not just during classes I didn’t care about, but during classes I actually *enjoyed.* And then I’d feel terrible about ducking out, because I felt like I was letting my prof down and insulting his teaching (which I wasn’t, and TBH, he’d seen enough skippers to not take it personally), but then I’d start avoiding class more. 🙁 I was getting a D in that class when I finally went to the campus counseling office, just for having not turned in any work, because I wasn’t in class to turn it in. 🙁
That was the hardest part for me – staying in bed all day, feeling worthless about staying in bed all day, telling myself if I just got up and went to class everything would straighten out, and then staying in bed all day anyway. 🙁 Once my counselor helped me get past that cycle, I was able to start taking more proactive steps to manage my depression.
Captain_CloudWolf
Thank you to everyone, it’s nice to hear from you all. I’ll try and look into antidepressants, since I’m in college I should be able to find something that will make it cheaper. I’m also trying to work up the courage to talk to my Dad. I know I need to, but courage isn’t something I have a lot of to spare right now when it’s scary to interact with people who I don’t know. I had really bad social anxiety in high school, and right when I was getting over that, depression and lack of self confidence brought it back and made it worse. Hopefully I’ll be able to talk to him soon. Thanks to everyone.
Oh, and Betty Anne? I’m kinda in that cycle now. My worst days are when I miss the classes I like.
Halpful
Another cheap thing is books – here’s the two I started with:
http://www.amazon.ca/The-Mindful-Way-through-Depression/dp/1593851286
http://www.amazon.ca/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
Kris
hmmmmmm…..I don’t like it. The death glare was genuine,
Cyrus
That smile IS genuine, in the “Maybe everything isn’t hopeless bullshit” kind of way.
Valerie
Did she see a really funny piece of shriveled up corn?
DonDueed
It was probably the pile of femurs in the corner that did it.
Pablo360
It’s “the glass is only half full of cyanide”.
podian
No, this is the “everything is hopeless bullshit, so might as well cheer up” smile.
Passchendaele
Awww, but what will we call the Murder Cave now?
Passchendaele
Also, we’ll still be seeing plenty of Ruth, right? It would be interesting to see her get back on her feet and broaden her horizons. Besides, she’s probably my favorite character (or heavily in the running).
Cerberus
Light Maiming Cave
Bagge
Fluffy happy fun cave?
StClair
After Quark hacked all the terminals on Deep Space 9 to play ads for his bar – “Come to Quark’s, Quark’s is fun!” – Major Kira warned him that if they were not gone by the time she got back, “I will come to Quark’s. And I will have fun.”
Dellaran
I miss Major Kira!
trlkly
As I’ve recommended before, check out MarkWatches, where you can read a guy who is experiencing DS9 (and all the rest of Star Trek) for the first time. You can even download videos to watch along with.
It kinda feels like you’re watching them fresh again.
(Note, I am not in any way associated with MarkDoesStuff. This is just like a webcomic recommendation.)
Passchendaele
Honestly, fluffy happy fun cave sounds like what Joyce would call it if she became RA. The wing would still dread it as much as the murder cave.
Chris Phoenix
Sydney Yus’s room?
Sneaks
I’m expecting her to show up as the new RA too!
Legasher
Candle Cove?
Turns out Ruth never existed at all, but was Billie all along, who imagined her as a physical expression of her own inner violence and alcoholism.
maxyai
Billie is Fight Club?
Stephen Bierce
When the Lights go down in the city
And the sun shines on the bay…
BBCC
Oh, Ruth. This is progress!
Reltzik
It’s not the long-term effects of the meds, though.
I wonder how much of it is the brief intervention she’s had, how much is the momentary high of a changing life course, and how much of it is just having had a few days away.
begbert2
And how much of it is how deeply annoying it was to be in charge of Joyce, Mary, and Carla at the same time.
Emperor Daniel
A whole new Ruth,
A new fantastic point of view…
Vinny
Heeere’s Ruuuth!
Schpoonman
I like emoting Ruth.
miados
you should fear that it is ruth wearing a mask she thinks people want her too. I wore lots of masks for a while after i got out of that type of place
Terry
Maybe.. But “fake it til you make it” is a thing. If she wears a mask projecting a bit of positivity, people will respond to that mask by being friendly and kind, which will in turn help Ruth to raise her mood. Also, the act of smiling releases chemicals in the brain that also raise mood. In this way, the mask can start to slowly become the real Ruth.
Terry
Not that she wouldn’t have to take the mask off at some point to process what is really going on, but that’s what group or her counselor are for. As long as she is processing things, that mask is not necessarily a bad thing. I just wanted to stress that since my previous statement didn’t make that clear.
Dana
I hope Billie’s expressions indicate simple caution rather than walking on eggshells. Walking on eggshells sucks, and isn’t good for anyone involved.
Passchendaele
I have to say, it’s probably a bit of both? Ruth can be unpredictable and fall under persistenly-occurring mood changes, so it’s always good to act cautious around her, especially as she’s acting so unnaturally calm right now. At the same time, Billie knows that she can’t be around Ruth all the time anymore, and that unnerves her, as she’s worried she won’t be able to say a fitting goodbye (as Joyce is pushing her to do), and that Ruth might spiral into depression and alcoholism without her around. Hopefully, Ruth will be fine, as long as there aren’t any trucks.
Grethelwvier
Personally, I think this is more Billie worrying that “what if this isn’t the Ruth I fell in love with anymore”. The thought scares her, but she doesn’t want to speak badly of what she acknowledges might somehow be a good thing for Ruth.
Cerberus
I think it’s even more than that. Billie is still convinced that she’s poison and will destroy anyone who isn’t “broken” and “unhealthy”. So if Ruth is getting healthier and better…
In her mind, she’s terrified that she’s going to destroy Ruth’s recovery or that a healthy Ruth will realize she’s as “poisonous” as Alice considered her.