308

Emerge
Posted on November 12, 2013 by David M Willis

308 thoughts on “Emerge”

  1. KingMabel

    Roz does not approve of your cereal…

    1. Jen Aside

      Mary approves even less =p

      STUPID bongoFACE

      1. Jay Eff

        That’s the actual name of the face she’s giving Riley in panel three.

        1. KingMabel

          Correction: Roz and Stupid bongoface do not approve of your cereal

        2. Raoullefere

          Does Stupid bongoface approve of anything? Or is she the Mikey of Life? (The real thing, not the cereal)

        3. Waverocker

          But Mikey’s an asshole with reason.
          He plays the long game, remember?

        4. hexalm

          I think he likes it!

        5. Drakey

          I had to explain this joke to my roommate, who had never heard of Mikey or his ad campaign. It ruined the joke.

      2. Lumino

        Glad to see that an alternate universe hasn’t made Mary less of a bongo. Consistency is comforting.

        1. David Herbert

          Yes, new is so scary.

      3. Aeron

        You forgot to say “NOW KIISSS!”

  2. Wolfe

    riley vs mary….Fight!

    1. GoldStarz

      Riley used Baby Doll Eyes!

      Mary’s Attack Fell!

      Mary used Glare!

      Mary’s Attack Missed!

      1. KingMabel

        Roz is asleep!

        Roz used Sleep Talk!

        And Nothing happened!

        1. Jacob

          I will also accept:

          Roz is asleep!

          Roz used Sleep Talk!

          Roz used Rest!

          Nothing Happened!

          (I had a Snorlax do that once, it was the dumbest thing ever)

        2. KingMabel

          Ah Snorlax. It was the original derp Pokemon that got derpier and cuter with each generation.

        3. Vivvav

          Snorlax was just asleep. Psyduck’s the original derp.

        4. Keroshino

          Well how would you feel if every moment of your life, you are burdened with never ending headaches!

          The life of a Psyduck is suffering
          …evolving it is to show mercy!!!!

        5. Narf

          Surprisingly, when Psyduck evolved, it became something approaching badass.

          Damn, now I want to break out Pokémon Red. XD

        6. CianM1301

          Riley’s Cute Charm infatuated the audience!

    2. Yotomoe

      CEREALKEN!!!

      1. Glockenspielberg

        Wrong game buddy

        1. Wolfe

          you gotta admit though, that’d make for one hell of a crossover.

      2. The Steve

        Funnily enough, I was on TV Tropes the other day, and I found this little page… http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CapcomVsWhatever

        Kellogs vs Capcom anyone?

    3. Tunaro

      Anybody else wanna bet the 12 year old could probably knock Mary out?

      1. Aizat

        Dude, I’ve seen a ten year old punch out a 20 year old.

        1. rachel

          tell me of your world

        2. Aizat

          Well, the kid punched the dude in the nuts.

        3. Tunaro

          Nut punching: the poor man’s mace.

        4. Badeyes

          Up to now poor man’s mace brought to mind a baseball bat with big nails in the end.
          Too much time at renaissance fairs in my youth apparently.

  3. Kladeos

    Mary, how can you resist Riley’s perfect face?!

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      With loads of practice no doubt.

      1. Kladeos

        :c

        1. Plasma Mongoose

          When you are exposed to the dreaded puppy-dog eyes often enough, you develop a resisance to them.

        2. Raoullefere

          Especially if you think they are the Puppy-dog Eye of Evil.

        3. Keroshino

          Pretty sure it’s like sunlight…it burns her!

        4. Arkadi

          I’m a teacher and I can certify that this is true.

        5. Kladeos

          But are your students as cute as Riley?

    2. Mr. Random

      On a more serious note, she seems to truly believe that “good is not nice.” Based on “if evil weren’t nice, then nobody would choose it.” She seems to think sticking to her morals unfailingly, AND following every possible rule TO the LETTER, is the only way to be a good person. And she sees that not everybody is doing this.
      There are then two possible conclusions she could have drawn.
      1) you don’t need to follow such high standards to be a good person.
      2) they are not good people.
      No internees for guessing which she picked.

      1. GoSpeedRumpist

        It’s not so much that she looks for high moral standards, as that she looks for standards that flawlessly mirror her own.

        1. Tunaro

          In other words, she’s a tool?

        2. Kernanator

          She’s a toolbag, quick, get Ultra Mammoth in here.

        3. NightmareWarden

          I’m sure Roz has plenty of fun “tools” that Mary would take great pleasure in. I’m pretty sure this also occurred recently between Joyce and roommate-mc-grumpypants.

    3. Hopeless Savage

      Easy. Mary hates everything.

      1. DudeMyDadOwnsADealership

        As opposed to using conceited judging/shaming on everyone around her the same way Professor Johnathan Crane uses drug-assisted fear generation?

        I’ll take Grade A Lout “I Give Everybody the Stink Eye Because Everybodie’s Done Something Wrong” Mary Who Hates Everything over the original Sociopathic, downright Predatory Mary who had a bit too much in common with Cyndi (only MUCH more Egoist) from Penny & Aggie any day.
        DOA Mary’s also a snappy dresser.

      2. lightsabermario

        She can’t hate grapes. Everybody loves grapes!

    4. Jen Aside

      I’m starting to think Mary’s favourite cereal is Grape Nuts.

      ‘CAUSE ONLY CROTCHY OLD FARTS EAT IT AMIRITE

  4. Tunaro

    Mary just surpassed Mike in jerkiness

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      Somewhere, Mike develops an unexpected boner.

      1. Yotomoe

        Luckily he was with a mom so it came at a perfect time.

        1. Leorale

          And so did Mike. Hey-o!

    2. Urzu13

      Except Mike is a hero who fought aliens to defend out country and usually has a valid reason to hate people. She’s just a stupid toaster.

      1. GoldStarz

        He never fought aliens in this universe though.

        1. BigMadDraco

          As far as you know.

        2. begbert2

          Willis has said that there are no aliens in this ‘verse.

          It’s probably because Mike killed them all.

        3. Tunaro

          He broke into their mother ship and demanded to know where their mothers were.
          The people of Earth knew that they were saved when the invaders retreated and a shower of alien nickels started to rain down from the sky.

        4. TJ Baltimore

          I daresay that since Willis has said there are no aliens in this universe, Mike sought them out and fought them. Just for the universe to be what Willis didn’t want it to be.

      2. Wack'd

        She’s just confused! She doesn’t know why we put bagels in her!

        1. rachel

          baaaahahahahaha

      3. N0083rP00F

        Why? Oh why must you denigrate the reasonably loyal and faithful Toaster?
        They are not bad, they make toast fun.

    3. LiamAldam

      A new ship has set sail!

      1. Badeyes

        This frightens me. Their mutual disdain could be devastating.

  5. GoldStarz

    Cereal is Satan’s breakfast food!

    1. Tunaro

      I thought that was pancakes

      1. GoldStarz

        Mary seems to think its cereal and obviously her oh-so-flawless-and-pure ways toooootally can’t steer us wrong.

        1. Ancestral Hamster

          Mary: “Burn the cereal-eaters at the stake!”

      2. James

        No Pancakes a young Hellboy tried Pancakes and it turned him against the forces of evil.

        Praise be to the pancake

        Worship it a the church of your choice!

        1. Arkadi

          You beat me to it XD

    2. Plasma Mongoose

      Yeah that Satana Bran will lead your bowels to damnation.

    3. Wolfe

      repent! repent and drink wheat germ smoothies !

      1. GoldStarz

        I said cereal was the breakfast of Satan not that you had commit a sacrifice to redeem yourself.

    4. Jay Eff

      No, this is Satan’s breakfast food.
      (Though I think Willis would disagree with me)

      1. Wolfe

        WHAT THE HELL IS THAT, WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD WASTE A PERFECTLY GOOD WAFFLE AND EGG BY LETTING SAUSAGE TOUCH IT

        1. Plasma Mongoose

          Tell me about it, everyone knows that sausages are perfect fit with tacos not waffles. 😀

        2. Tunaro

          Agreed, the only things you should put inside a waffle are maple syrup, butter, bacon, cheese and beef patties.
          I call it the America burger.

        3. Wolfe

          i could get behind that

        4. Ghola

          that sounds more like a Canada burger to me…
          Maybe it has to be cheese curds for it to be a true Canunk burger..

        5. N0083rP00F

          Real Canadian Cheddar, not that processed pale cheese-like-food-like-substance.
          Since free trade will be killing off the quota system and marketing boards, buy lots of local Canadian Cheddar and other cheeses to help support our dairy farmers. The industry can take a swirly though.

        6. Random832

          I thought breakfast tacos were made by folding a waffle in half around sausage.

        7. Morgauxo

          Yes, nothing beats putting a sausage in a taco. Although.. there are some who prefer to put their sausages between the buns. There is plenty of room in the world for both.

        8. Mr K

          That’s what she said.

        9. roborat

          And there we go.

        10. John

          Not liking sausages or tacos is also a fine choice!

        11. Badeyes

          This is ok, it’s only a waffle in shape. Eggo is to true waffles as Bacon Bits are to Bacon.

  6. Pizzathehutt

    REESE’S PUFFS PLEASE!

    1. LockeZ

      It’s Reese’s for breakfast!
      You know what’s amazing? Mixing Reese’s Puffs with Cocoa Puffs.

  7. Nono

    No, really, what is Mary’s problem? I don’t understand how people like her can ever be happy, let alone in a social situation.

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      Maybe she’s a puritan, they’re known for being killjoys.

      1. Yotomoe

        She finds Joy and just stabs it right in the chest.

      2. GoldStarz

        Also known for being kill-witches.

        Witches that were never there in the first place.

      3. Arkantos

        Okay I’m gonna have to interject here. While the Puritans didn’t like flashy displays of anything other than faith, they were a fairly laid-back people compared to a lot of other Christians at the time. They were fine with the consumption of alcohol and even premarital sex.

    2. March

      She probably grew up in a very similar situation to Joyce, but with a little more emphasis on the damnation and with a personality more suited to being hateful. No one at college can live up to her standards, and unfortunately, unlike Joyce, she’s going to have a harder time accepting that different is not necessarily evil, if she ever does. She’s probably not even all that happy with herself, because temptation is everywhere. Even thought is sin to a lot of these people.

      The truth is, people like her are very rarely happy with other people, or even themselves, and it’s sort of pitiful if you think about it.

      1. MM

        Is it just me, or does Willis deliberately set the avatar shuffle so the most in-depth criticisms of Mary wind up paired with her turning up her nose at them?

        1. Mal

          My doctor once told me that I might be one of those people that just operates at “low state,” meaning that I tend more towards depression, and rest there comfortably.

          Maybe Mary is like that, too, in a way.

        2. March

          I get the feeling she has a very cynical personality, and might indeed be in a “low state” naturally. The way she was raised cannot have helped that state of mind, if it’s the case. Those born-agains seem to consider being unhappy the correct state of being.

        3. begbert2

          Given that each person keeps the same avatar for a long while, and given Willis’s demonstrated ability to predict and react to user comments months in advance, yes, probably.

    3. kelticat

      I assure you, they rarely are happy. And only with other people’s misery.

    4. Wolfe

      I know someone that is like Mary, let’s just say it’s never a good time being around this person. Always serious, never laughs at jokes, and I’m pretty sure she’s hella prejudice based on a laundry list of off hand comments I’ve heard slip.

      1. Nena

        Those people usually end up bitter and alone. And if they do partner up with somebody, they are usually extremely abusive to their partner and any children unfortunate enough to be born to them.

        It makes me happy that people like her are miserable.

        1. kelticat

          Sucks to be related to them though.

          And I speak from personal experience.

      2. rachel

        Not-being-18 sure helps a lot in that department, though. Who knows, she may figure it out in two or three years.

        SURE SUCKS NOW THOUGH DONNIT

    5. Undrave

      I know right? How can you hate Riley? She’s as adorable as a Pokémon protagonist! I’d gladly give her cereal and a starter pokémon of her choice in a heartbeat.

    6. Marceline

      I know someone a lot like her, although not quite as religious, and I really feel sad for her. She is so focused on judging other people that she winds up sabotaging her own life. You can’t ever be happy if you spend all your time worrying about what everyone else is doing.

  8. Yotomoe

    Mary is just mad that they recalled GodBerry.

    1. Aizat

      GodBerry: It tastes divine. Or here’s another one, a choir in every bite.

      1. Wack'd

        You’ll be enraptured by the flavor!

        Now with Crossmellows!

  9. March

    Not going to lie, being allowed to have cereal with those sugary marshmallow bits was a pretty awesome bit of college. Growing up with ADHD and parents who cared about it could be annoying as shit.

    Count Chocula was sort of the most awesome thing ever.

    1. Yotomoe

      I’m more of a Frosted Flakes, Fruit loops kind of guy.

      1. March

        Oh, Frosted Flakes. Those were awesome that first time too.

    2. Ocbrad1

      Cocoa Pebbles!

    3. sps48

      Growing up with the delicious cereals was great.

      Evil stepfather switching it out for Kretschmer’s Wheat Germ and watered-down (2%) milk was a terrible comedown.

      It was probably the least of his evils.

      1. March

        Funnily enough, I never got a single sugary cereal until my stepdad came along. He thought my mom was being unreasonable, so anytime she was gone, he would let me have something like Cocoa Pebbles or Apple Jacks and then take me to the Parade Field and let me run it off. And he was the one in the Army.

        I was on the steel-cut Irish Oats/whole grain toast with eggs plan. It was always a letdown when my mom came back.

  10. Crotonhurst

    Cap’n Crunch!

    1. Urzu13

      Yes! I have been at college for 2.25 years now, and i have yet to eat any… I remedy that tomorrow.

      1. The Candyman

        God speed.

    2. Aizat

      KoKo Krunch, Honey Stars and Milo.

    3. Yotomoe

      Cocoa Puffs!

      1. Plasma Mongoose

        Weet-Bix

    4. James

      Can’t get enough of that Golden Crisp…

    5. Aizat

      You guys should try the cereals we got in Malaysia.

    6. Glynvel

      Quaker made a generic Cap’n Crunch that was shaped like a tiny little bowl. It was the same color, taste and crunch factor as Cap’n Crunch but it didn’t have the sharp edges that hurt your mouth when you ate it. It hasn’t been around for a long time but I’d love to bring it back with an advert like, “Crunch Bowls, now with 99% less cut-the-shit-out-of-the-roof-of-your-mouth than Cap’n Crunch.

      1. LouisvilleRobin

        It’s quisp and it’s available some places.
        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quisp

  11. Wonder Wig

    Mary prefers Christ Chex.

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      Can you consume communion wine and wafers and still be a vegan?

      1. Yotomoe

        Only if you eat them like Dane Cook.

        1. Plasma Mongoose

          ?? Can you elaborate?

  12. Aizat

    Those cheeks…..thank goodness I’m currently listening to something awesome to balance it out.

    1. Yotomoe

      I hope you mean her face!

      1. Aizat

        Yes, I meant her face. What do you think I mean?

        1. CthulhuPanda36

          Her FAAAAACE!

        2. Blue Dragon

          Don’t listen to her face. It isn’t something awesome.

  13. Shrugs

    Mary likes Sucky Charms. Because she sucks, see.

    1. Pizzathehutt

      She also likes Shities the breakfast of Dickbags.

      1. Yotomoe

        And Prude Loops.

        1. Wack'd

          Frosted Flakes.

          hey didn’t even need to change that one

        2. Tunaro

          Can’t start the day without a heaping bowl of Count bongoula cereal.

        3. madd

          Boo Berries?

        4. N0083rP00F

          Granola, Grape Nuts, Colon Blow or Quarry.

  14. JebJeb

    And now I actually hate Mary more than Danny. Or Howard. Didn’t think that was possible.

    1. Yotomoe

      MAry has reached 3 megaDannys.

    2. Regalli

      Pretty much a hate sink, she is. Everyone who’s not, like, Blaine suddenly looks better by comparison.

      1. Undrave

        if those two interact it could create a Hate Hole so big it could swallow the entire EARTH! Great Scott!!

    3. adinfinitumspero

      Wait, as in Ruth’s little brother ? Is this a holdover hate from roomies ? I haven’t seen anything in this continuity that would make one hate him yet.

  15. The Sound Defense

    “How DARE you bring up cereal with me, you monster?”

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      Maybe Mary had to deal with a cereal killer when she was younger, ever thought about that? 😛

      1. Yotomoe

        Do you know what Cereal did to my family? DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE SUGAR FROSTED? NO! I didn’t think so!!!

        1. N0083rP00F

          I remember the headline – Crackle Snapped and Popped the Captain right in the Crunchberries.

  16. Rocketboy1313

    What is this bongo’s problem? I don’t remember her.
    Is she another Christ Crazy character?

    1. March

      She’s coming across as a follower of the born-again evangelist Christian movement, an interesting group of people most common in the US who seem to believe the Puritans were on to something. I could be wrong, but she has the holier-than-thou attitude, and the extreme level of unhappiness they all seem to have.

      They’re also known as the stop-having-fun folks.

    2. John

      She’s the one that got Joyce to call her a “B-word”, after she gave Joyce shit about bringing non-believers to church. She’s a Real True Christian, and you’re not. No matter who you are. If Jesus Christ Himself descended from Heaven to attend Sunday service, she’d be all, “What’s he doing here? He’s Jewish!”

      1. Undrave

        She’d probably hate Historical Jesus…

        1. John

          I don’t think she’s really all that okay with Biblical Jesus.

        2. The Candyman

          “Love thy neighbor? What kind of bullshit is that?

    3. Regalli

      You know how the Grinch was born with a heart three sizes too small?

      Yeah, hers was born, like, seven.

      1. Keroshino

        Nah, where her heart should be…its just a void of nothingness!

        1. roborat

          Wouldn’t the lack of a pulse have been noticed by now, surely she has had some routine medical tests by now.

        2. xKiv

          The pressure differential between ground level atmosphere outside and total nothingness inside can pump a lot.

  17. Kernanator

    What are you gonna have for breakfast, Mary, some Awful-Os?

    1. Aizat

      Or some Shitty-Os

      1. Wolfe

        not so fabulous killjoy flakes

      2. Kernanator

        Some Bran Hates?

        1. Wack'd

          Hatey Bunches of Oats.

        2. Kernanator

          Unlucky Charmlesses.

        3. CthulhuPanda36

          They’re tragically malicious!

    2. Plasma Mongoose

      She really makes you want to give her some Smack-Os.

      1. Aizat

        Or Pound-Os

        1. madd

          Corn Pops?

        2. sps48

          Sugar Pops.

    3. MM

      Krusty-Os! With the special jagged metal one in every box!

      1. N0083rP00F

        Or a certain barmans power breakfast – penicillin-Os..

    4. GoldStarz

      HypocritcO’s!

      1. Yotomoe

        More like hip-O-Crits.

  18. saltchocolate

    That’s almost child abuse, Mary! Don’t you burst that girl’s bubble like that!!!

    On a different note, why the hell was she sitting out in the hall like that, if there wasn’t sex happening within? Surely roommates have to coexist with each other’s sleep schedules . . .

    1. Glockenspielberg

      Mary needs no sleep she’s is fueled by rage and disgust

      1. MM

        And she’s allergic to Riley’s sweetness and light.

        1. Yotomoe

          She was dying inside from being around a decent person for 8 hours.

        2. Wolfe

          Warning: prolonged exposure to bubbly 12 year olds will cause severe discomfort and possible instantaneous combustion if you are a blathering twit

        3. adinfinitumspero

          In all fairness, prolonged exposure to bubbly 12 year olds can get very tiring very fast, even to those of us that try not to be dead on the inside.

    2. kelticat

      I think it was the fact that there were two DeSantos in her room that drove her away. She dislikes Roz, and thinks Riley is just like Roz, and Roz is just like Robin.
      Coming from a three sister family, I can tell you that Mary is full of shite. No siblings are completely identical. My two sisters are a laid back bibliophile and an OCD technophobe.

      1. saltchocolate

        Two DeSantos give you 256% of the recommended daily allowance of bubbly personality and pro-sex attitudes.

  19. TheRealAllPurposeGuru

    So Mary in the Dumbiverse is even more of a dickhead than in the Walkyverse. Go figure.

    1. Regalli

      Yeah, at least before she didn’t actively hate the joy of all who cross her path, including children.

  20. Beachfox

    Your adorableness is obviously just a front of unremitting evil. You don’t fool me, hellspawnling! Go eat cereal with SATAN! As is your ilks wot.

    1. Yotomoe

      “If evil wasn’t cute, noone would bother with it.”

  21. JessWitt

    I wonder if Mary will get some plot dev as well, as hinted by her existing gravatar (when other students like Rachel and Grace got the boot).

    1. Wolfe

      I don’t see how though, unlike Joyce she’s a bitter pill about everything 😡

      1. Yotomoe

        It’s as if Joyce and Sarah did the fusion.

        1. Arkantos

          But they couldn’t do that because a fusion has to be between a man and a woman! It’s in the bible!

  22. Mkvenner

    Mary I know it is annoying but be Christian for the first time in your life.

  23. SplashBoogie

    Has someone suggested a Dina/Riley spin-off yet? Did I miss that boat?

    1. CthulhuPanda36

      Yup, police duo got thrown around yesterday.

      1. Keroshino

        Yep! “Sam & Max: Freelance Police” style!

  24. Barf Ninjason

    Mary kinda looks like she takes a dump like once a week, tops.

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      AKA Full of shit!

    2. Wolfe

      omfg, well if this girl won’t eat cereal we at least need to get her some bran muffins

    3. Yotomoe

      Mary is so hateful she’s physically incapable of having a functioning digestive system.

      1. Regalli

        She’s sustained by her hatred for those around her.

      2. Ancestral Hamster

        No, her digestive system functions. It’s just that Mary vomits a venomous bile over all and sundry rather than defecating like other people.

    4. N0083rP00F

      Broccoli.
      Be kind to your colon.
      This has been a FOP information bulletin

  25. Plasma Mongoose

    re: Today’s Hovertext: Accidently? SUUUURE it was… 😀

    1. Yotomoe

      Hah, Silly Willis. Don’t you realize that SIERRA is still the best character?

    2. John

      Given that her competition here is Roz and friggin’ Mary, it was a pretty low bar for Riley to clear.

      Now if she were to go up against Dina or Sierra, then maybe we’d see some competition.

    3. Keroshino

      Riley and Dina… The bestest of characters!!!!

  26. MM

    Riley DeSanto: Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken, but Slightly Bemused.

  27. danshive

    To respond to a 12 year old asking about cereal in such a way… Mary is pure evil.

    1. Plasma Mongoose

      Which makes me wonder if Willis plans on making Mary more appealing to us reader later on.

      1. GoSpeedRumpist

        Probably not, but he might, at least, provide backstory which will explain why she’s such a horrid bongo. Though I could be wrong.

      2. Dr. Paul

        Ends up with Joe, just takes three years of our time for the first cracks in the anger fortress to appear.

  28. Maycroft

    “how dare she to ask my favorite cereal?”

    1. Yotomoe

      “Everyone knows that to enjoy cereal you must have a heart”
      (which is a pretty accurate statement.)

      1. Andiemus

        Nonsense. Nobody needs a heart to enjoy the sweet delicious taste of honey nut Cheerios!

        1. xKiv

          You gotta have heart

  29. Emoroffle

    Mary needs to watch some Dexter and Monkey Master, it helped Joyce it can help her.

    1. Aizat

      Or go stare at a wall.

      1. CthulhuPanda36

        What Kladeos said below.

    2. Kladeos

      Can’t. It promotes eastern religion AND cultivates a culture of snarkiness.

      1. GoSpeedRumpist

        And it has a monkey in it, so it’s probably involved in evolutionist propaganda.

  30. Lavaticmay

    Mary’s very similar to Joyce, just a lot more hateful. I’m pretty sure based on what she said earlier that the only reason she hate Riley is because of all the sin that is Roz.

    1. beege

      They’ve been raised with similar values, but there’s one key difference: Joyce is an optimist.

  31. CthulhuPanda36

    I’m still convinced Riley is secretly evil. Just wait. Mary will “unexpectedly” end up drowning in a cereal bowl.

    1. Yotomoe

      Mary’s leg is mysteriousely broken while Riley stands over her with a bowl of Grape Nuts cereal.
      “Too bad you didn’t speak up!”
      *She poors the bowl and Mary is grape Nutted.*

      1. kelticat

        Witches of Eastwick?

    2. MM

      And they’ll never be able to catch her because there will be too many suspects. It’s the perfect crime.

    3. Kernanator

      I’m not 100% sure that would be an evil act. It would definitely be chaotic, though, no doubt about it.

      1. Wolfe

        thought that said catholic and i giggled oh gods i need to go to bed

      2. CthulhuPanda36

        Killing is generally Evil. Like unless its self defense or to save the world. Or if your a Jedi.

        1. Kernanator

          I think you could swing killing Mary as saving the world, on the grounds that Mary’s continued existence makes the world a worse place to live in, but it really depends on how flexible the GM is.

        2. N0083rP00F

          Good point – so what types of knots should we use?

        3. Kernanator

          Depends on what we’re using the knots for.

  32. Jack Finch

    Mary’s small heart grew three si….well actually it didn’t grow at all.

    1. Keroshino

      Well for that to happen…she would need to have a heart in the first place!

  33. Equuizzicals

    Riley’s Angry Eyebrows are my favorite characters in dumbing of age.

  34. Fuzzydaemon

    Mary was born to hate the world. I really hated having her as my avatar.

    1. Luzahn

      I enjoyed it for precisely the same reason. However, Mike is a step up.

  35. Kitschensyngk

    Mary knows that cereal is made from the shavings found in Satan’s pencil sharpener.

  36. Biege

    I like Riley. she’s fun 😀

  37. Keroshino

    Wow Mary, maybe you could’ve bongoed at Roz/Riley more…how about that? That’s all you appear to be good for these days! Huh?! Used your bongo-fu on her! Mary, the Mistress of bongoing, that’s what they should call you!…Seriously! Five ancient sages of bongodom gathered together one day on the peak of Mt. bongo to proclaim your birth and a hundred years later, when all the bongo stars have aligned you were born and made everybody’s life around you a living hell because YOU ARE SUCH A bongo

    1. Farmer_10

      SENZU BEAN! *throw bean*

    2. Aizat

      Calm down, Krillin, calm down.

    3. Boom

      WITH A GOD DAMN PIG!

      1. Arkantos

        Get out Vegeta!

  38. PatBaer

    I want Riley and Walky to hang out! I just think they’d be fun together.

  39. flimflam

    Reese’s Puffs are the best cereal ever.

  40. wynne

    Jesus, Mary. She’s a twelve-year-old girl. You are out of line.

    1. DFS

      your gravatar adds comedic heft to your comment

      1. John

        In the other universe, Mike once stomped a small child just to expose some people’s hypocrisy.

        1. James

          The ends justifed the means

  41. Gottawonder

    Well yeah PatBaer, Walky is about the same emotional level as Riley. They would get along I would guess.

    As to Mary, poor thing, gotta be miserable being you.
    I’m no bundle of joy, but I do find things to make me happy, and looks like that’s something Mary has yet to find.

    Riley is too cute and has the right idea. Didn’t let it bother her, just filed it under ‘old’ (and possible odd), and leads her weird sister to breakfast.

  42. Gottawonder

    Frosted flakes were my dorm favorite. Didn’t need milk.

  43. Deathjavu

    Yesterday’s comic served as a personal PSA for me to go get some goddamn milk.

    And today?

    Today I am eating cereal. In fact, I’m eating cereal right now.

    Thank you, David Willis. Thank you.

    1. madd

      I also are eating the cereals.

    2. Ocbrad1

      I, too am consumin’ some cereals! Cocoa Pebbles to be precise.

      1. N0083rP00F

        Mine is Hot – Oatmeal with golden raisins and a drizzle of honey – no milk, Damn you Lactose.

        1. Deathjavu

          Almond and/or Soy Milk!

          Even as someone lactose tolerant, I’d probably buy these half the time if they weren’t more expensive.

        2. Kladeos

          Soy milk is gross and almond milk is tasteless. Lactose free milk is the way to go… Screw my milk allergy.

  44. hof1991

    I see a future for Mary. She can play Naomi when she grows up, or at least when she grows older.

    Its a short step from I’m better and holier than you to I’m better then everyone and screw you all if I don’t get what I want.

    Just wanted to use an HTML tag. And I love the Murphys.

    1. hof1991

      And I screwed up the HTML tag.

      You were brought up well Still in spite of it all You’re touched by nothing Watch a man fall Put a foot on his back To get a better view Cause you’re loyal to no one No one but you [CHORUS] He was broken & tired Wouldn’t take a hand Their kindness was simple But he couldn’t understand See it’s hard to have faith In something so new When you’re loyal to no one No one but you [CHORUS]

  45. PureLionHeart

    I hope Riely is the last one standing when all these crazy people raze this school to the ground with their drama.

  46. beege

    Mary’s misery is entirely self inflicted,
    This my sympathy for her is limited.

  47. PBManning

    I like Riley don’t get me wrong, but I kind of feel like she’s acting a bit younger than twelve. I dunno, I haven’t been hanging around with twelve-year-old kids, but I always feel like kids aren’t represented very accurately in fiction.

    1. Emoroffle

      Yeah she seems to be acting quite younger than that. I know when I was twelve sex was “the” topic even for the girls in class. The cereal thing however is quite normal, I would have fought my way to free sugary sweetness in the mornings back then. Of course, everyone is different she could be one of the few who really are that innocent even at that age. I’ve met em before.

      1. Trisar

        Meanwhile, when I was twelve, I didn’t really care about sex at all.

        Fast forward thirteen years later… still really don’t.

        Wasn’t so much innocent as “didn’t care, had other things on my mind, still don’t care because I still do.” So maybe Riley just has other priorities. That, or since she’s just waking up for the morning and has been stuck in the room for quite a while, she just wants some food. You know?

        1. Blue Dragon

          I’m not so sure she’s just now waking up for the morning. It’s past noon, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Riley woke up closer to 8am. Unable to rouse her sister, she’s been waiting for breakfast. So, it’s been more than two hours, and sleepy Roz wants breakfast to wait five hours for other relatives to feed her? Wake Up, Sister!

          I also wouldn’t be surprised if Riley tried to engage Mary in conversation while she was getting ready for church. If Mary is the type to find such conversation exhausting, I can see reasons why she’d delay interacting with Riley until someone else was awake to be the responsible adult. (Not that this was the reason she offered to Billie for waiting outside.)

        2. Arturo

          When I was 12 all I wanted was your opinions on Pokemon and Gerry Anderson’s Thunderbirds. Admittedly, thirteen years later I still mostly want your opinions on Pokemon and Gerry Anderson’s Thunderbirds but that’s it’s ownt set of issues.

        3. LockeZ

          I’m pretty sure I stopped maturing around that age and have been faking it ever since.

      2. Spack

        I can see how having Roz as a big sister could take some of the charm out of “‘the’ topic” for Riley. It would certainly kill the “naughty thing we’re not supposed to talk about” factor.

      3. LockeZ

        I’m sure most people remember themselves and their friends and classmates being more mature at 12 than they actually were. I’m also pretty sure most 12 year olds think they’re more mature than they actually are. I’m also pretty sure most 16 year olds, 20 year olds, 30 year olds, 50 year olds and 80 year olds think they’re more mature than they really are.

        1. madd

          True fact.

      4. madd

        I have a 12 year old and he would rather have his eyeballs plucked out than discuss sex with his older brother, or anyone else for that matter. He finds it embarrassing. He also pretends to be completely oblivious when girls are flirting with him.

    2. Charlie

      Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Some kids are more or less mature than a lot of others for their age, so I guess Riley might just act young for her age, whether than was on purpose or just Willis not really knowing any kids around that age.

    3. GoSpeedRumpist

      I don’t know, so far all I’ve see out of her is pretty representative of what I remember 12 being like. Namely, gameboys and food. Then again, I didn’t have an older sibling who found it important to have me question my sexuality on occasion. Considering her family members (that we’ve been introduced to), Mary is probably justified in assuming that something has to be off about Riley. Of course, she takes this information an uses as an excuse to be judgey and all, but I could see other characters like Dorothy and Walky questioning her apparent normalness.

      1. Jack Finch

        Watching sibs in my family 12 year olds both love their older siblings and think they’re out of their minds, but the crazy is just something they have to put up with or resist when necessary. A total pick-your-battles scenario.

    4. drs

      Some years ago I went to my niece’s 12th birthday party, with her 12 year old friends. They’re not all the same! Mentally or physically. I have no plausibility issues with Riley.

  48. James

    God help the world if Dina and Riley meet at the cereal dispenser.

    1. LimeTH

      You know something? I’ll bet that’s what this is all leading up to.
      GET TO THE SHELTERS

      1. Fnarkle

        Yeah, it’s so damned obvious that Dina and Riley will meet because they both love cereal.

        But haven’t you noticed? Willis rarely does the obvious. He often sets up situations with an obvious outcome, then swerves in an unexpected direction. I swear he makes a list of all the possible things that could happen, and every time someone makes a comment about what might/should happen, he crosses that off his list. When it’s time to do the strip, he picks one of the ideas that hasn’t been predicted by anyone.

        1. David Willis

          When you’re thirteen weeks ahead on strips, that’s not actually a possible course of action, actually.

        2. Roborat

          Or it shows how well you know your audience.

    2. Keroshino

      I, for one, welcome our new “adorable” overlords!

  49. Arturo

    Riley for President (of the Kellogg Company)!

  50. Spack

    Mushy oatmeal with scowls on top.

  51. Aizat

    You know what’s missing in panel 3? GREAT FLAMING EYEBROWS!

  52. Narf

    Oh Mary. You suck.

  53. Kartewns

    Mary you suuuuck

    1. Kartewns

      AND OF COURSE SHES MY AVATAR NOW

      DAMN YOU WILLIS

  54. Scolopendra

    I must be the only one, but I really enjoy having Mary around. Pointlessly spiteful reactions amuse me.

    1. ChibiKaji

      You’re not the only one. I also enjoy just how much everyone else hates her.

  55. Charles Phipps

    Poor Riley. Since she’s a girl, twelve is about the age which cereal will suddenly become unimportant.

    1. skies

      I’m a 25 year old woman and cereal is still VERY IMPORTANT

    2. Marisa Mockery

      I don’t understand this. When I got to college, the first thing I noticed were the unlimited cereal dispensers. I used to mix them up like sodas from the soda fountain. It was glorious. Cereal continues to be a major part of my life. 🙁 Do you not care about cereal?

  56. Bilfred

    what the hell is whatsername doing outside whatsername’s door anyway?

    1. Pat Myers

      They are roommates. I think Mary had no idea Riley was even in the room until she woke up. She needs to chill. At least she didn’t find Roz’s latest partner lying 2 inches from her.

      1. Blue Dragon

        I’m pretty sure each roommate gets a top bunk with the pillow end in a different corner of the room. There seems to be space between the foot ends of the bunks. I don’t think they touch. (I suspect Billie’s room has a TV in the space between them in her room, but it might be located next to the window at the far end from the entry door.)

        It is probably unlikely, but not impossible, that Mary would ever find a Roz partner in bed with her upon awakening in the morning. Sleepy partner gets up to use the half-bath to pee and returns to the wrong bunk is the probable scenario for that, but the mistake would probably involve closer proximity then two inches and would probably be discovered earlier in the night.

        Hmmmm, who shares the half-bath with Mary and Roz?
        There are two other bunks that a sleepy dyslexic partner might accidentally crawl into.

        1. Blue Dragon

          Correction. Roz and Riley seem to have their heads at what I was calling the foot end. I’ve seen others with the pillows in the corner. Pillow against the wall is good for sitting up reading in bed. If Roz likes holding on to the rail on the pillow end under any circumstances, it’s easier if there isn’t a wall right up against it. I imagine Mary keeps her head as far from her roommate as possible, though.

  57. Tom Speelman

    Man, I got a real Peanuts vibe from that punchline. ‘zat weird?

    1. Arkadi

      No it is not. It’s something Linus would have said.

      1. Tom Speelman

        He would’ve at that!

  58. Pat Myers

    “Cereal is for dumb babies! I’m not a dumb baby because I’m in college! Dumb babies don’t belong in college!” Do you really want college to be like that, Riley?

  59. Tomas

    Every cartoon pantheon needs a Grumpy Smurf.

    1. The Candyman

      Mike already filled that role pretty nicely, though.

  60. skies

    Basically everyone in the DeSanto family is my favorite.

  61. Ben Lehman

    New book title? New book title.

  62. The Candyman

    Mary’s glare almost makes it look like she’s sad. Mike needs to show her how it’s done.

    1. Mr K

      She probably is depressed and taking it on everyone.

  63. Arkadi

    THEM EYEBROWS O_O

  64. JetstreamGW

    I was gonna be all like “How can Mary hate her so much instantly?” and then I remembered that Mary is the Sanctimonious’est of Sanctimonious bongoes 😀

  65. nothri

    Clearly in Mary’s case, the Soggies ARE ruling. Big time.

  66. Volkai

    “Oops.”

    Right.

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