I definitely wanna see their argument about Jesus’s opinion on capital gains taxes.
Wagstaff
Believe it or not, many early Christian denominations actually practiced a primitive form of socialism in their monasteries.
These proto-socialist practices were also adopted by the Puritans in their American townsends, although some of the latter weren’t necessarily for religious reasons.
AlexanderHammil
Colonial socialism isn’t really meaningfully different than capitalism, y’know?
Wagstaff
As a part of “Christian Charity”, Puritans were obliged to provide for those who couldn’t work, such as children and elderly widows.
Every member of these townsends were also guaranteed a minimum amount of land, and there were maximum limits on the amount of land anyone could own. This wasn’t necessarily religiously inspired, but rather to prevent the extreme inequality that existed back in England.
King Daniel
And of course, the people already living on that land were included in this inequality-preventing arrangement, right?
Wagstaff
Believe it or not, Native Americans and migrants to the colonies actually benefited a lot from trade and enjoyed a mutual coexistence for quite some time, until things began going downhill from there. Very, VERY much downhill.
Pilgrim
The relative lack of conflict between the early Puritans and the natives was mostly due to the unfortunate reality that most of the native populations where they settled had already been wiped out by pandemic diseases caught from the English fisherman who had been setting up seasonal fishing camps and trading with the natives for decades by that point and the survivors had largely evacuated the plague zone. Don’t confuse a lack of natives to displace with good intentions.
thejeff
While there was certainly trade and mutual benefit on various occasions, especially in the very first years, that “quite some time” was pretty short really.
Plymouth colony was settled in 1620. The Pequot war was in 1636, though there had been minor conflicts before then.
Reltzik
That’s not Christianity! That’s Fascist Communism! Those Puritans need to remember that this is America and they need to practice good, Christian Capitalism like our ancestors who came over on the Mayflower did!
……
…. man, Poe’s law won’t let me satirize ANYTHING conservative these days.
Wagstaff
First of all, in these townsends, distribution was still mostly based on contribution within their limitations in their economies, as opposed to need. This is what makes a socialist economy distinct from a communist economy. So it would really be theofascist socialism.
Second of all, the Puritans split like a banana before the 1700s because of rather heated theological disputes.
phlebas
Oh, it goes further back than monasteries.
“All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need.”
-Acts 2:45-46
Arian
Was going to say that, but you got there first. Dratted socialistic apostles.
I believe it. This was before shit started to get weird, after all.
Reltzik
I think, spin aside, Jesus’s only message on taxes (slightly paraphrased to fit our society rather than Rome’s) was, “Hey, pull a dollar out of your wallet. You see that face on it? You do? Good. Whose face is that on that dollar? Washington’s? That’s right, it’s Washington’s. So render unto Washington that which is Washington’s.”
thejeff
Mostly because Jesus taught that the Kingdom was at hand. That they lived in the end times and all that mattered was getting right with God before the kingdom of heaven was established on earth. There wasn’t really much concern with unimportant, transient things like tax policy.
This caused problems for the growing religion when it became apparent that the Kingdom wasn’t quite as at hand as they’d thought.
SeanR
Also, as I understand it, they were trying to entrap him. Trying to get him to ADMIT he was in opposition to Rome’s rule. Jesus had to talk around a lot of verbal traps.
Delicious Taffy
Funny how we’re always living in the End Times with a great reckoning right around the corner.
… I have a feeling she would have fucked Jacob by the second, based on how she acted.
Reltzik
I feel part of why she let herself be interested in Jacob was because she felt he was safe enough and wouldn’t be trying to pressure her for sex, and would help her say no when certain parts of her were arguing for yes.
…. I mean, that wasn’t the ONLY part of why she was interested, but I think she’d have avoided him rather than pursued him if he wasn’t safe like that.
thejeff
Whereas I suspect she would have been pushing him within a few dates, while someone pressuring her wouldn’t have succeeded. You’re right about her feeling that he was safe, but that just means she’ll let her guard down.
How Becky’s been acting: Joyce is hornier and less self-aware.
Those aren’t his own words. His real name wasn’t even Jesus Christ; it was Yeshua of Nazareth.
Clif
I hear he once worked in a toy store.
Wagstaff
Toy maker or carpenter, there’s no way he would have worn a robe. Besides the fact that the latter were a luxury at his time, it would have proven a very dangerous occupational hazard!
OBBWG
But he did wear a bright blue sash. Jesus always wore a bright blue sash. (Don’t try to tell me the picture Bible lied.)
Also, an alternative name was Yeshua Bin Yusef. (Joshua Ben Joseph in English).
Wagstaff
In 1st century C.E., blue dye only came from a mineral called lapis lazuli, which was very expensive. Until alternative means of creating that color in clothing and paint were invented, paintings and clothing seldom used blue.
King Daniel
OBBWG said, don’t try to tell them that The Picture Bible lied. 😛
Nah, “Jesus” is a Roman translation of “Joshua” which means “savior”. So you’ve to your savior named “Savior”. In the earliest texts, there is no “Jesus” – just cryptic abbreviations that are ASSUMED to mean “Jesus”. Later, when we DO find the word “Jesus” inserted into the texts, there’s an indicative article that goes with it: “THE Jesus”. THE Savior. This is a job description, not a person. A similar construction is in John THE BAPTIST. The Baptist is the same structure as The Jesus. And in any case, the letter “J” didn’t even enter the language until the 9th Century CE, so whatevs…
Wagstaff
Actually the “savior” part was Christ, the Greek word for “messiah”. The earliest cryptic mentions of his followers were in the form of an acronym spelling out the Greek word for “fish”; hence the symbol for the religion still displayed on many people’s cars.
Needfuldoer
So his mom’s name wasn’t “Mary Christ”?
What next, you’re going to tell me his middle initial isn’t ‘H’?
King Daniel
Jesus “Hallowed be thy name” Christ.
Stifyn Baker
‘Yeshua’ in Hebrew, or ‘Yeshu’ in Aramaic, the name most commonly transliterated in Englush texts as ‘Joshua’ or ‘Jesus’, means “God will rescue” or “God saves”, which doesn’t have exactly the same connotations as “saviour”. The definite article comes from a quirk of Koine Greek, the dialect the New Testament was written in, which applies the definite article to all personal names. So we get constructions like ‘Ho Iesos Ho Xristos’ (The Jesus The Chosen One), ‘Ho Ioannos Ho Baptismou’ (The John The Baptiser) and ‘Ho Simonos Ho Petros’ (The Simon The Rock).
King Daniel
So what I’m getting from this is that Jesus, Simon Peter, and John the Baptist were all hos
Stifyn Baker
Not just them. In the first-century AD Greek speaking world (I.e. the whole Roman Empire except for actual Rome) EVERYBODY was a ho.
HO HO HO.
Miri
My 3 year old usually calls Father Christmas Ho Ho. Even now she can say Father Christmas/Santa.
Arian
Except for the women! They were “he”s. 😀
a/snow/mous/e
but did they let their emotions go or were they more of a sober ho
Stifyn Baker
The Greek word ‘Xristos’ (“Christ”) IS a direct translation of the Hebrew ‘mesh’i’ah’ (“Messiah”), but both words mean “the annointed (or chosen) one)”. The Greek word for ‘saviour’ is ‘sotera’, which does indeed appear in the ‘fish’ acronym: Iesos Xristos Theou ‘Yiou Sotera (Jesus the Annointed one, God’s, Savour), the first letters of which spell the word for ‘fish’, IXThYS (in Greek, ‘Th’ is a single letter).
Arian
What they said. Should have read this before commenting myself. 🙂
Arian
You don’t know your Greek. Proper names regularly had a definite article, especially if followed by a description. And Latin didn’t have any articles at all.
People used to use intestine lining as condoms as well as tortoise shell for contraception… may not be very clean or good for safe sex, but yeah
DailyBrad
Yeah, different contraceptive techniques were definitely practiced. Pulling out was definitely an old enough technique to be in the Bible, for instance.
Ralph Oscar
Ah, yes – the “sin” of Onan…
Uly
Onan’s sin was disobeying God’s command. The particulars don’t apply to anybody else.
Leorale
That’s right. The problem wasn’t the masturbation, the problem was that Onan was ignoring his fuckquest (to impregnate a specific widow. It gets cultural).
Obey the fuckquest.
189 thoughts on “Chill”
Ana Chronistic
oh okay THAT chapter and verse gotcha
Clif
Everyone knows that capital gains is a misnomer. It isn’t the capital that gets to enjoy the gains.
Lucy is going to have whiplash.
Clif
and what about the verse that says pizza prepared wrong is an abortion.
Reltzik
That’s mistranslated. In the original, it says it is wrong to make pizza from an abortion.
Wagstaff
Awe rats. I was looking forward to eating pepperoni made from stem cells!
RowenMorland
Just wait until that gets creatively reinterpreted as no pizza made from vat meat.
AbacusWizard
I definitely wanna see their argument about Jesus’s opinion on capital gains taxes.
Wagstaff
Believe it or not, many early Christian denominations actually practiced a primitive form of socialism in their monasteries.
These proto-socialist practices were also adopted by the Puritans in their American townsends, although some of the latter weren’t necessarily for religious reasons.
AlexanderHammil
Colonial socialism isn’t really meaningfully different than capitalism, y’know?
Wagstaff
As a part of “Christian Charity”, Puritans were obliged to provide for those who couldn’t work, such as children and elderly widows.
Every member of these townsends were also guaranteed a minimum amount of land, and there were maximum limits on the amount of land anyone could own. This wasn’t necessarily religiously inspired, but rather to prevent the extreme inequality that existed back in England.
King Daniel
And of course, the people already living on that land were included in this inequality-preventing arrangement, right?
Wagstaff
Believe it or not, Native Americans and migrants to the colonies actually benefited a lot from trade and enjoyed a mutual coexistence for quite some time, until things began going downhill from there. Very, VERY much downhill.
Pilgrim
The relative lack of conflict between the early Puritans and the natives was mostly due to the unfortunate reality that most of the native populations where they settled had already been wiped out by pandemic diseases caught from the English fisherman who had been setting up seasonal fishing camps and trading with the natives for decades by that point and the survivors had largely evacuated the plague zone. Don’t confuse a lack of natives to displace with good intentions.
thejeff
While there was certainly trade and mutual benefit on various occasions, especially in the very first years, that “quite some time” was pretty short really.
Plymouth colony was settled in 1620. The Pequot war was in 1636, though there had been minor conflicts before then.
Reltzik
That’s not Christianity! That’s Fascist Communism! Those Puritans need to remember that this is America and they need to practice good, Christian Capitalism like our ancestors who came over on the Mayflower did!
……
…. man, Poe’s law won’t let me satirize ANYTHING conservative these days.
Wagstaff
First of all, in these townsends, distribution was still mostly based on contribution within their limitations in their economies, as opposed to need. This is what makes a socialist economy distinct from a communist economy. So it would really be theofascist socialism.
Second of all, the Puritans split like a banana before the 1700s because of rather heated theological disputes.
phlebas
Oh, it goes further back than monasteries.
“All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need.”
-Acts 2:45-46
Arian
Was going to say that, but you got there first. Dratted socialistic apostles.
BrokenEye, the True False Prophet
I believe it. This was before shit started to get weird, after all.
Reltzik
I think, spin aside, Jesus’s only message on taxes (slightly paraphrased to fit our society rather than Rome’s) was, “Hey, pull a dollar out of your wallet. You see that face on it? You do? Good. Whose face is that on that dollar? Washington’s? That’s right, it’s Washington’s. So render unto Washington that which is Washington’s.”
thejeff
Mostly because Jesus taught that the Kingdom was at hand. That they lived in the end times and all that mattered was getting right with God before the kingdom of heaven was established on earth. There wasn’t really much concern with unimportant, transient things like tax policy.
This caused problems for the growing religion when it became apparent that the Kingdom wasn’t quite as at hand as they’d thought.
SeanR
Also, as I understand it, they were trying to entrap him. Trying to get him to ADMIT he was in opposition to Rome’s rule. Jesus had to talk around a lot of verbal traps.
Delicious Taffy
Funny how we’re always living in the End Times with a great reckoning right around the corner.
RassilonTDavros
She really is Forrest Quad’s version of Joyce, isn’t she?
McMuffin
Joyce definitely would not be DTF by date 3
Suitora
… I have a feeling she would have fucked Jacob by the second, based on how she acted.
Reltzik
I feel part of why she let herself be interested in Jacob was because she felt he was safe enough and wouldn’t be trying to pressure her for sex, and would help her say no when certain parts of her were arguing for yes.
…. I mean, that wasn’t the ONLY part of why she was interested, but I think she’d have avoided him rather than pursued him if he wasn’t safe like that.
thejeff
Whereas I suspect she would have been pushing him within a few dates, while someone pressuring her wouldn’t have succeeded. You’re right about her feeling that he was safe, but that just means she’ll let her guard down.
How Becky’s been acting: Joyce is hornier and less self-aware.
Wagstaff
But of course, those were Jesus’s own ENGLISH words, so we just HAVE to take them at face value. You see where I’m going with this?
Clif
I know where Mike would be going, but I’m not sure about you.
Wagstaff
Those aren’t his own words. His real name wasn’t even Jesus Christ; it was Yeshua of Nazareth.
Clif
I hear he once worked in a toy store.
Wagstaff
Toy maker or carpenter, there’s no way he would have worn a robe. Besides the fact that the latter were a luxury at his time, it would have proven a very dangerous occupational hazard!
OBBWG
But he did wear a bright blue sash. Jesus always wore a bright blue sash. (Don’t try to tell me the picture Bible lied.)
Also, an alternative name was Yeshua Bin Yusef. (Joshua Ben Joseph in English).
Wagstaff
In 1st century C.E., blue dye only came from a mineral called lapis lazuli, which was very expensive. Until alternative means of creating that color in clothing and paint were invented, paintings and clothing seldom used blue.
King Daniel
OBBWG said, don’t try to tell them that The Picture Bible lied. 😛
OBBWG
A reference to a Shortpacked strip.
SillyGoose
” (Joshua Ben Joseph in English).”
I’ll argue it would be Joshua Josephson.
WanderingLynx
Jesus was a JoJo:Canon.
a/snow/mous/e
JoJo’s Bizarre Religion
Ralph Oscar
Nah, “Jesus” is a Roman translation of “Joshua” which means “savior”. So you’ve to your savior named “Savior”. In the earliest texts, there is no “Jesus” – just cryptic abbreviations that are ASSUMED to mean “Jesus”. Later, when we DO find the word “Jesus” inserted into the texts, there’s an indicative article that goes with it: “THE Jesus”. THE Savior. This is a job description, not a person. A similar construction is in John THE BAPTIST. The Baptist is the same structure as The Jesus. And in any case, the letter “J” didn’t even enter the language until the 9th Century CE, so whatevs…
Wagstaff
Actually the “savior” part was Christ, the Greek word for “messiah”. The earliest cryptic mentions of his followers were in the form of an acronym spelling out the Greek word for “fish”; hence the symbol for the religion still displayed on many people’s cars.
Needfuldoer
So his mom’s name wasn’t “Mary Christ”?
What next, you’re going to tell me his middle initial isn’t ‘H’?
King Daniel
Jesus “Hallowed be thy name” Christ.
Stifyn Baker
‘Yeshua’ in Hebrew, or ‘Yeshu’ in Aramaic, the name most commonly transliterated in Englush texts as ‘Joshua’ or ‘Jesus’, means “God will rescue” or “God saves”, which doesn’t have exactly the same connotations as “saviour”. The definite article comes from a quirk of Koine Greek, the dialect the New Testament was written in, which applies the definite article to all personal names. So we get constructions like ‘Ho Iesos Ho Xristos’ (The Jesus The Chosen One), ‘Ho Ioannos Ho Baptismou’ (The John The Baptiser) and ‘Ho Simonos Ho Petros’ (The Simon The Rock).
King Daniel
So what I’m getting from this is that Jesus, Simon Peter, and John the Baptist were all hos
Stifyn Baker
Not just them. In the first-century AD Greek speaking world (I.e. the whole Roman Empire except for actual Rome) EVERYBODY was a ho.
HO HO HO.
Miri
My 3 year old usually calls Father Christmas Ho Ho. Even now she can say Father Christmas/Santa.
Arian
Except for the women! They were “he”s. 😀
a/snow/mous/e
but did they let their emotions go or were they more of a sober ho
Stifyn Baker
The Greek word ‘Xristos’ (“Christ”) IS a direct translation of the Hebrew ‘mesh’i’ah’ (“Messiah”), but both words mean “the annointed (or chosen) one)”. The Greek word for ‘saviour’ is ‘sotera’, which does indeed appear in the ‘fish’ acronym: Iesos Xristos Theou ‘Yiou Sotera (Jesus the Annointed one, God’s, Savour), the first letters of which spell the word for ‘fish’, IXThYS (in Greek, ‘Th’ is a single letter).
Arian
What they said. Should have read this before commenting myself. 🙂
Arian
You don’t know your Greek. Proper names regularly had a definite article, especially if followed by a description. And Latin didn’t have any articles at all.
Suet
People can Netflix and Chill, or Netflix and CHIll 😉
And here we have Lucy Glenn demonstrating the infamous bird face
ValdVin
Lots of great Lucy faces here. I have never heard it called “bird face” before, and feel like I’m missing something.
egg egg
the v in the :v looks like a beak
I am Nothing
Wait, really? 8V
Siddlaw
There’s some Lucy thirst right there.
Doctor_Who
A thirst that now even Baha Blast can quench.
Proto_Eevee
Man, I loved the part where Jesus reminded everyone to always practice safe sex by wearing a condom.
Wagstaff
Yeah, because people totally knew the recipe for Latex 2000 years ago.
Shitbird
People used to use intestine lining as condoms as well as tortoise shell for contraception… may not be very clean or good for safe sex, but yeah
DailyBrad
Yeah, different contraceptive techniques were definitely practiced. Pulling out was definitely an old enough technique to be in the Bible, for instance.
Ralph Oscar
Ah, yes – the “sin” of Onan…
Uly
Onan’s sin was disobeying God’s command. The particulars don’t apply to anybody else.
Leorale
That’s right. The problem wasn’t the masturbation, the problem was that Onan was ignoring his fuckquest (to impregnate a specific widow. It gets cultural).
Obey the fuckquest.
King Daniel
(Incidentally, this old Biblical tradition is also why Becky had Joyce promise to marry and fuck Dina if she died.)
BBCC
Tell that to my Catholic school. They definitely taught the sin was masturbation.
Wagstaff
Well, at least it beats swallowing mercury as birth control.
Devin
Yeah, it takes an awful lot of liquid to get an entire planet down!
Wagstaff
I was referring to the liquid metal. It did work, but at a terrible price.
Proto_Eevee
You can’t get pregnant if you’re dead
Wagstaff
Actually, it worked whilst the time it slowly made you look more and more like the walking dead.
Devin
I know, I was just being silly.
Proto_Eevee
Wtf? Like, human ones!?