I always suspected Ana not getting the first comment was a sign of the apocalypse. I didn’t know it was specfically the zombie apolcalypse, but hey, unlive and learn.
clif
That was specifically zombie aporkalypse, not apocalypse. If you follow Ana’s link same scroll on down past the junk, you get to the certainly not alarming headline, “Yale scientists restore cellular function in 32 dead pig brains.”
BBCC
Digging a little deeper, it was partially restored function after the brains were kept alive for several hours after death outside the pig’s bodies and it was a little over a year ago. Very cool feat of bioengineering, but not quite an aporkalypse.
Could be both. We saw her reaction to Ross’s imminent/just occurred death go from dark humor to ‘I was fine with the previous last words, but tell Mom I’ll be a while’ (which suggests some complicated feelings somewhere, though which side isn’t clear,) to finally crying when she was alone with the corpse. The last panel almost certainly is, since today’s the day after the kidnapping and most of the people Becky’s been around since understand that Ross’s death is… complicated for her.
But especially given how Bonnie’s death was drawn out from a suicide attempt, I think it’s entirely possible Becky DOES have some emotions about that that aren’t simple grief, that she may not feel comfortable owning sometimes. (And the fact that Joyce up until a few weeks ago thought it was cancer can’t help, because even if she wanted to talk about them Joyce didn’t know the truth and it would be a lot to spring on her before ‘I maybe kind of resent Mom for leaving me and Dad here’.) Becky’s the one who found her, too, and the suggestion is there was an extended period where they knew Bonnie was dying but wasn’t yet dead. There’s… a lot of room for anger there, alongside the sadness.
“Of – of course. Mrs. Macintyre died of cancer. We went to go visit her in the hospital.”
“That’s not really why she was in the hospital.”
It’s that emphasis on ‘of course’ there that makes me think she put the pieces together in a hurry but it would mean the adults lied to her and Joyce wasn’t up to process that one yet. (We don’t know precisely how long ago Bonnie’s death was, but based off a Patreon strip a couple months back Ross mentioned graduating in the pretty early aftermath, which suggests it was fairly recent. Also by the time kids are teens I feel like they can handle the concept of suicide, certainly when it’s their best friend who just had to deal with a loved one attempting, and we KNOW it was at least that recent.)
BBCC
Toedad said she died last year. So yeah, fairly recently since Becky had her hair short during part of her mourning process and Joyce mentioned she had it cut ‘last summer’.
i appreciate the effort, the courage to say something in an incredibly awkward and fraught situation, the desire to help. The words and sentiment aren’t the important part; it’s the human contact.
If I was holding out for them to say something that would make me feel better, I’d be like “Nope, that wasn’t it, you noisy loser.” But there’s really no message that will actually improve things, so I pay attention to the delivery attempt instead. It’s the same kind of thing to me as a wordless hug.
(There are messages that can make things worse, though. Any variant of “They’re in a better place” is double-plus-ungood to say to an atheist. “Everything happens for a reason” also kind of sucks to hear.)
BarerMender
I understand the human contact thing. I was nearly killed by muggers, and people I didn’t even know came up to me to say how sorry they were. It helped. These people cared, and it made me feel maybe I was part of the human race after all.
Diane
Oh I HATE “everything happens for a reason”. I personally prefer the wordless hug. Had a lot of those at my grandma’s funeral. I think I sadly started the mourning at that funeral, because I saw one of my out of state cousins, realized “shit this is real” and just started crying. And then she started crying. And then a bunch of us cousins just group hugged and cried together, and that is what I want in those situations, those help.
Elisto
I appreciate it too because I was in the opposite position. My dad died and my best friends said nothing at all because they “didn’t know what to say.” Any acknowledgement would have been fine! I was the 3rd person in the group to go through this, so it’s not like they had no experience here either.
Well, Amber didn’t really gain anything. The issue is that sometimes losing a thing is for the best. Like syphilis. No one wants to have syphilis, so when it’s gone, that’s a good thing.
And yes, fully aware that I am comparing Blaine to syphilis.
From what I’ve seen from people with really bad relationships with their parents, it rarely is that easy though. It often seems to be a very confusing mix of relief, sometimes even glee, and sadness. Most bad parents, no matter how awful they are, do have good moments, because humans never are 100% good or 100% bad. Death tends to bring those rare good moments, too. Or you learn something about them after their death when cleaning up the stuff that is difficult to deal with. For example, a friend of mine had basically a blaine with less money and more alcohol as a father. After his death, the nurses at the hospital told her that he was really proud of her and always told them stories of her and showed pictures of her.
Death is complicated.
Yeah, grief in this situation gets complicated. If nothing else, there’s a possibility of ‘why couldn’t you have been not like this’ and ‘much as I hate what you did to us, we can’t separate who we are now from having to have you as a father and deciding to Not Be Like That’ and the like. And I suspect there’s at least one moment Blaine had with one of his kids that can be looked on fondly. Somewhere. At some point. Even if it’s ‘I realize now that potato wasn’t meant as an endearment but I do kind of miss it’ or something.
Brilliant advice from Becky and a solid acknowlegment by Amber. Despite (because?) each of their problems, they’re both solid good people well on their way to adult-hood. (further in fact, than many people get)
Also, if the shooting was a patient’s grabbing a gun and killing himself, why did they evacuate the hospital? It’s not like a suicide is going to run around the place threatening others.
It looks like they evacuated non-patients. That’s standard in any situation involving a firearm, even if it’s a “suicide”. It’s for a myriad of reasons; safety, preserving the scene for evidence, and, though it’s a small part, preserving the dignity of the dead/wounded from nosy people. You would be surprised by how quickly some people will actually pull out their damn phones and take pictures, and then post it on social media. Just what someone’s loved ones want to see.
Becky would probably get a kick out of the new Harley Quinn animated series, if she could get past all the swearing.
(Yeah, I know, she dropped an f-bomb and flipped off her dad, but trust me, lifetime swearing-aversions take a while to fully break.)
Concolor44
That they do. It took raising dysfunctional teens to break me of my aversion to swearing ?
Schpoonman
She said “fuck” a little while ago with Robin and Dina on the couch. Now that’s out from under her father’s toethumb, she seems to have clean language normally but will become vulgar under sufficient duress.
Until recently, Becky’s only been able to see pop culture through the knot holes in a fence. The fence is gone now, but she still has plenty of catching up to do.
What Dorothy is saying, that’s the white noise. You get tired of it, you get sick of it even. It just keeps coming, and I know you just want them to know that they feel for your loss, but what is that going to even do for me? I don’t need your pity, your sorrow, it’s unnecessary.
“I’m sorry for your loss” Why are you sorry, did you kill them? “He was *insert random compliment here*” Yeah I know, I’m kinda tired of thinking of all the things I’ve lost, could you stop reminding me? “If you ever need anything” I got this, thanks, how’s someone not trained in psychology going to help me in the overwhelming feelings of grief going to do?
I do get that for some people, it’s welcomed. But for me, after 24 years of people still apologizing for my father’s death, I have come to loathe all these phrases.
Its reflexive. Even or especially with someone you just met.
“What are you doing for Father’s Day?”
“Nothing.”
“What about your father?”
“He died 25 years ago.”
“Oh. I’m so sorry.”
“I’m not. I inherited a ton of money from him.” (or similar sarcastic comment).
Note that not everyone gets over the death of a parent. One of my friends still grieves after 35 years and appreciates the comments.
March
I had a friend whose mother died when she was twenty (the friend). It was very sudden, and unexpected. Mostly, I was just following her lead on how she wanted to cope with it. A few months later, Mother’s Day rolled around, and she looked at me and asked me, “What’s with all the pink in this place?” I wasn’t even thinking, just said, “It’s for Mother’s Day.”
Her expression dropped, went sad, and she said, “Oh. I guess I never get to celebrate that again.” I was of course immediately kicking myself, but then she went, “You should see your face right now.” And then she started laughing, and saying her mom would have loved that.
Her mother always did love teasing me about how sensitive I can be.
Regalli
That’s oddly sweet.
Diane
Oh yeah, that’s the good stuff. My dad was sarcasm incarnate, so teasing like this was always fun. That stuff right there, it makes it hurt so much less, because you get to think of nice things, and makes it actually not hurt so much.
Twitcher
My mentally ill mother died of suicide in a hospital bathroom, so this arc is making me feel all the feelings. She loved what she called her kids “gallows sense of humor.”
Diane
Basically this. I worked at a retail store, and that was a question customers would like to ask when they want to make small talk.
Small advise: Look for the “this is a hurtful time, please change subject” types of answers. If someone says they’re doing nothing during a holiday that’s normally spent with someone, change the subject. If they wanna talk about it, they’ll be honest. The times where I want to actually talk about dad, I’ll usually confirm with a “going to the cemetery to check on him.”
And yeah, I’m still not over it, I’m still grieving and it kinda hurts to talk about it at times. Sometimes, like now, I want to talk about it. I was 10, it was sudden, and everyone but me in the immediate family knew it could happen at any time. So my child brain blamed the circumstances he went through as the reason for his death, only to find out much later when my mom deemed I was ready to know just how weak his heart was, and then I felt betrayed, because why didn’t you tell me that sooner? And thus the grief was revived in a different form and just…I’m never going to be fully done grieving, I feel. Thinking hard, I can sometimes appreciate the comments, because it’s nice to remember what little I can manage anymore. But at this time, I’m just bitter at them and they become white noise.
It all depends. It’s been 10 years since my mom committed suicide and earlier this week I was talking on the phone and somehow the topic came up due to a different family issue (one that I am not even peripherally involved in) and I was surprised at the emotions that came out of me when the topic came up. I had to process not just my grief but my guilt for not putting all of the signs together because, in retrospect, my mom did try to tell me just how much she was struggling with.
My dad, despite spending most of my life resenting her for the way she treated him in their short marriage and after their divorce, had basically let it all go with her death and expressed his own guilt over not understanding some of the things she tried to tell him nearly 50 years ago, which were things that she obviously continued to struggle with for the next 37 years until her demons got to her.
Yeah, I was never a fan either. I know people mean well, but it’s just exhausting. Frankly, I just sort of nod and smile, while desperately thinking of a subject change. Anything to not have to go through that script for the fifteenth million time.
There’s people I can handle it from genuinely, and times I’m up for it, but in the immediate aftermath you also get it from EVERYONE, and that’s when it blurs out. Yes, I’m very sad my (insert relative here) died. We knew it was coming for a while now (generally,) and they lived a long life (also generally), but that doesn’t make it easy of course and it’s exhausting. Actually moderately easier doing so via text chats or the like because then there’s not the same expectation of response. (If I have some kind of actual relationship to the person it’s way different than the ‘how did you spend your weekend?’ ‘Well, mostly I was at a funeral’ awkwardness you get from, say, Lyft drivers trying to make smalltalk. Don’t blame ‘em for it, but it’s gonna be awkward!)
It’s what people do because it is the socially recognised way of expressing empathy that you’re having a hard time whether that be because you’re angry or sad or have complex feelings about it and they’re kind of supposed to be shorthand for longer more complex feelings that they don’t want to spend a lot of time explaining if you are in the middle of grieving and may struggle to focus if everyone went into every feeling they had about it, I feel like.
Like “I’m sorry for your loss” = I wish I could help you suffer less but I cannot bring back the dead and I am sorry I cannot do that for you.
“He was *insert compliment*” = Attempt to bond over shared enjoyment of that trait and times it was displayed/attempt to bond over your shared enjoyment of this person.
“If you ever need anything” = I am willing to help you with tasks or organising or bring food around if you are getting overwhelmed and finding it difficult to think clearly on what needs done.
A bit excessive to still be doing it after years and years but I feel like it gets shortened into quick phrases like this to try to avoid distracting from the feelings of whoever is experiencing a loss, to be sensitive to the fact grieving people may not have a lot of mental energy or the patience to go into every complex feeling that everyone else has about the death, and because it illustrates the key point of what they want to say (I wish I could reduce your pain, I miss X too and fondly remember they because of Y, I am available to assist if you need it).
I agree, and also, it’s our handy social phrase for “I care about you.”
Useful when everything we could say is wrong, but saying nothing is even worse.
All that’s still not going to stop it from becoming white noise. I get that you feel bad, want me to think of nicer things, but it’s stuff that’s said so often, thrown out so frequently, that it loses that meaning. Especially when it comes from people you barely know. If I barely know you, I would much rather hear “Sorry for bringing it up” than ANY of that.
Leorale
That’s fair.
You can help people do it right by telling them clearly that this is what you prefer them to say.
Diane
Why bother? I’m not going to see them again. They’re not going to say this type of stuff to me again. And as previously mentioned, I’m not the only person, but other people really DO appreciate it. I’d rather treat it like the white noise it is. I feel I’m doing better to help by telling people in a discussion than treat it for each one-on-one case.
I like how Becky’s trying to relate to Amber with the Batman comment. Given her sheltered upbringing do we think she knows Batman is the Batman or losing parents? 🙂
It’s always seemed that Becky probably had scattered contacts with secular pop culture. And Batman is a big enough pop culture figure that she may have picked up the basics even if she had little or no contact with the source material.
My nieces were basically raised by Carol (and are so happy to visit us for weeks without her). Their pop culture is weirdly determinent. They all know the MCU and Batman but have no idea what a Harry Potter is.
117 thoughts on “Comfort”
BigDogLittleCat
There’s wisdom behind that goofiness.
BigDogLittleCat
wtf? How did that happen?
Mra
How did what happen?
BigDogLittleCat
I got in first. I’ve never gotten first comment on anything, much less here where Ana rules.
Ana Chronistic
eh, I was distracted reading about the zombie aporkalypse
Makkabee
I always suspected Ana not getting the first comment was a sign of the apocalypse. I didn’t know it was specfically the zombie apolcalypse, but hey, unlive and learn.
clif
That was specifically zombie aporkalypse, not apocalypse. If you follow Ana’s link same scroll on down past the junk, you get to the certainly not alarming headline, “Yale scientists restore cellular function in 32 dead pig brains.”
BBCC
Digging a little deeper, it was partially restored function after the brains were kept alive for several hours after death outside the pig’s bodies and it was a little over a year ago. Very cool feat of bioengineering, but not quite an aporkalypse.
Mra
A wonder how many times Becky’s feelings have changed over the past couple days? Or was she referring to her mother’s death?
Regalli
Could be both. We saw her reaction to Ross’s imminent/just occurred death go from dark humor to ‘I was fine with the previous last words, but tell Mom I’ll be a while’ (which suggests some complicated feelings somewhere, though which side isn’t clear,) to finally crying when she was alone with the corpse. The last panel almost certainly is, since today’s the day after the kidnapping and most of the people Becky’s been around since understand that Ross’s death is… complicated for her.
But especially given how Bonnie’s death was drawn out from a suicide attempt, I think it’s entirely possible Becky DOES have some emotions about that that aren’t simple grief, that she may not feel comfortable owning sometimes. (And the fact that Joyce up until a few weeks ago thought it was cancer can’t help, because even if she wanted to talk about them Joyce didn’t know the truth and it would be a lot to spring on her before ‘I maybe kind of resent Mom for leaving me and Dad here’.) Becky’s the one who found her, too, and the suggestion is there was an extended period where they knew Bonnie was dying but wasn’t yet dead. There’s… a lot of room for anger there, alongside the sadness.
Mae
Wait, when did Joyce find out that Becky’s mom committed suicide?
Regalli
She didn’t ever have it stated outright on-panel, but after Ruth and Billie’s whole Thing got found out I’m pretty sure she got the implications:
https://www.dumbingofage.com/2016/comic/book-6/04-it-all-returns/indebted/
“Of – of course. Mrs. Macintyre died of cancer. We went to go visit her in the hospital.”
“That’s not really why she was in the hospital.”
It’s that emphasis on ‘of course’ there that makes me think she put the pieces together in a hurry but it would mean the adults lied to her and Joyce wasn’t up to process that one yet. (We don’t know precisely how long ago Bonnie’s death was, but based off a Patreon strip a couple months back Ross mentioned graduating in the pretty early aftermath, which suggests it was fairly recent. Also by the time kids are teens I feel like they can handle the concept of suicide, certainly when it’s their best friend who just had to deal with a loved one attempting, and we KNOW it was at least that recent.)
BBCC
Toedad said she died last year. So yeah, fairly recently since Becky had her hair short during part of her mourning process and Joyce mentioned she had it cut ‘last summer’.
Kinoko
I assume she’s mostly talking about her mom, yeah. She’s had a longer time to process that, and has plenty of reason to feel conflicted about it.
Chris Phoenix
It’s not always white noise. I appreciate it each time someone says it.
Diane
You are one of the lucky ones that can appreciate it, and I truly envy you.
Chris Phoenix
i appreciate the effort, the courage to say something in an incredibly awkward and fraught situation, the desire to help. The words and sentiment aren’t the important part; it’s the human contact.
If I was holding out for them to say something that would make me feel better, I’d be like “Nope, that wasn’t it, you noisy loser.” But there’s really no message that will actually improve things, so I pay attention to the delivery attempt instead. It’s the same kind of thing to me as a wordless hug.
(There are messages that can make things worse, though. Any variant of “They’re in a better place” is double-plus-ungood to say to an atheist. “Everything happens for a reason” also kind of sucks to hear.)
BarerMender
I understand the human contact thing. I was nearly killed by muggers, and people I didn’t even know came up to me to say how sorry they were. It helped. These people cared, and it made me feel maybe I was part of the human race after all.
Diane
Oh I HATE “everything happens for a reason”. I personally prefer the wordless hug. Had a lot of those at my grandma’s funeral. I think I sadly started the mourning at that funeral, because I saw one of my out of state cousins, realized “shit this is real” and just started crying. And then she started crying. And then a bunch of us cousins just group hugged and cried together, and that is what I want in those situations, those help.
Elisto
I appreciate it too because I was in the opposite position. My dad died and my best friends said nothing at all because they “didn’t know what to say.” Any acknowledgement would have been fine! I was the 3rd person in the group to go through this, so it’s not like they had no experience here either.
Ana Chronistic
if only Amazi-Girl were immune to unsolicited advice
clif
Now that would be a super power worth having.
thejeff
I don’t know. I find most people are at least resistant to unsolicited advice, if not actually immune.
Sirksome
“So happy for your gain.” comes off a little disrespectful though. Don’t want normal people with healthy parental relationships knowing the truth.
Rose by Any Other Name
Well, Amber didn’t really gain anything. The issue is that sometimes losing a thing is for the best. Like syphilis. No one wants to have syphilis, so when it’s gone, that’s a good thing.
And yes, fully aware that I am comparing Blaine to syphilis.
Regalli
Frankly, it’s almost a slight to syphilis.
Will
Syphillis isn’t consciously harmful, for once.
Icalasari
“I’m so happy you lost that however-many-pounds-Blaine-weighed cancerous tumour!”
Bam
Alanari
From what I’ve seen from people with really bad relationships with their parents, it rarely is that easy though. It often seems to be a very confusing mix of relief, sometimes even glee, and sadness. Most bad parents, no matter how awful they are, do have good moments, because humans never are 100% good or 100% bad. Death tends to bring those rare good moments, too. Or you learn something about them after their death when cleaning up the stuff that is difficult to deal with. For example, a friend of mine had basically a blaine with less money and more alcohol as a father. After his death, the nurses at the hospital told her that he was really proud of her and always told them stories of her and showed pictures of her.
Death is complicated.
Regalli
Yeah, grief in this situation gets complicated. If nothing else, there’s a possibility of ‘why couldn’t you have been not like this’ and ‘much as I hate what you did to us, we can’t separate who we are now from having to have you as a father and deciding to Not Be Like That’ and the like. And I suspect there’s at least one moment Blaine had with one of his kids that can be looked on fondly. Somewhere. At some point. Even if it’s ‘I realize now that potato wasn’t meant as an endearment but I do kind of miss it’ or something.
Michael Haneline
My dad died a few years ago. He was a monster, but Alanari is 100% right.
Lux
Kind of wish this comic had come out years ago. This is useful advice.
Captain Oblivious
Brilliant advice from Becky and a solid acknowlegment by Amber. Despite (because?) each of their problems, they’re both solid good people well on their way to adult-hood. (further in fact, than many people get)
BigDogLittleCat
Also, if the shooting was a patient’s grabbing a gun and killing himself, why did they evacuate the hospital? It’s not like a suicide is going to run around the place threatening others.
Octo
If you hear a gunshot you don’t just sit around and wait for the details of what happened
Mra
Well, they heard a gunshot, maybe they evacuated the hospital before they assessed the situation and where told that the “shooter” was already dead?
March
It looks like they evacuated non-patients. That’s standard in any situation involving a firearm, even if it’s a “suicide”. It’s for a myriad of reasons; safety, preserving the scene for evidence, and, though it’s a small part, preserving the dignity of the dead/wounded from nosy people. You would be surprised by how quickly some people will actually pull out their damn phones and take pictures, and then post it on social media. Just what someone’s loved ones want to see.
RJ
Isn’t…. isn’t Batman the Batman of losing one’s parents?
Doctor_Who
Nah, Batman’s whole thing is that he trained for years to be the best at everything.
He didn’t train for years to lose his parents. Mastered that one on the first try!
Cattleprod
“The Canyonero is the Cadillac of automobiles.”
Needfuldoer
Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
C.T Phipps
Becky only watched Batman for Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy.
She didn’t understand Catwoman at all.
Doctor_Who
Becky would probably get a kick out of the new Harley Quinn animated series, if she could get past all the swearing.
(Yeah, I know, she dropped an f-bomb and flipped off her dad, but trust me, lifetime swearing-aversions take a while to fully break.)
Concolor44
That they do. It took raising dysfunctional teens to break me of my aversion to swearing ?
Schpoonman
She said “fuck” a little while ago with Robin and Dina on the couch. Now that’s out from under her father’s
toethumb, she seems to have clean language normally but will become vulgar under sufficient duress.Needfuldoer
Until recently, Becky’s only been able to see pop culture through the knot holes in a fence. The fence is gone now, but she still has plenty of catching up to do.
Skyknight
I was searching for a comment like this and if I had not found one, Iwould’ve made it myself!
Octopus Ink
That Becky is wise beyond her years… ‘cept fr that one thing.
Both Bruce Wayne and (Shortpacked) Ethan are giving her SO MUCH side-eye, right now.
abysswatcher1993
Ethan can screw himself… and he can if he gets Jacob II.
Deanatay
Batman: MY PAREENTS ARE DEAA – oh, wait, right.
Diane
What Dorothy is saying, that’s the white noise. You get tired of it, you get sick of it even. It just keeps coming, and I know you just want them to know that they feel for your loss, but what is that going to even do for me? I don’t need your pity, your sorrow, it’s unnecessary.
“I’m sorry for your loss” Why are you sorry, did you kill them? “He was *insert random compliment here*” Yeah I know, I’m kinda tired of thinking of all the things I’ve lost, could you stop reminding me? “If you ever need anything” I got this, thanks, how’s someone not trained in psychology going to help me in the overwhelming feelings of grief going to do?
I do get that for some people, it’s welcomed. But for me, after 24 years of people still apologizing for my father’s death, I have come to loathe all these phrases.
Mra
They still do it after 24 years? I think they would have moved on within the first couple of years.
OBBWG
Its reflexive. Even or especially with someone you just met.
“What are you doing for Father’s Day?”
“Nothing.”
“What about your father?”
“He died 25 years ago.”
“Oh. I’m so sorry.”
“I’m not. I inherited a ton of money from him.” (or similar sarcastic comment).
Note that not everyone gets over the death of a parent. One of my friends still grieves after 35 years and appreciates the comments.
March
I had a friend whose mother died when she was twenty (the friend). It was very sudden, and unexpected. Mostly, I was just following her lead on how she wanted to cope with it. A few months later, Mother’s Day rolled around, and she looked at me and asked me, “What’s with all the pink in this place?” I wasn’t even thinking, just said, “It’s for Mother’s Day.”
Her expression dropped, went sad, and she said, “Oh. I guess I never get to celebrate that again.” I was of course immediately kicking myself, but then she went, “You should see your face right now.” And then she started laughing, and saying her mom would have loved that.
Her mother always did love teasing me about how sensitive I can be.
Regalli
That’s oddly sweet.
Diane
Oh yeah, that’s the good stuff. My dad was sarcasm incarnate, so teasing like this was always fun. That stuff right there, it makes it hurt so much less, because you get to think of nice things, and makes it actually not hurt so much.
Twitcher
My mentally ill mother died of suicide in a hospital bathroom, so this arc is making me feel all the feelings. She loved what she called her kids “gallows sense of humor.”
Diane
Basically this. I worked at a retail store, and that was a question customers would like to ask when they want to make small talk.
Small advise: Look for the “this is a hurtful time, please change subject” types of answers. If someone says they’re doing nothing during a holiday that’s normally spent with someone, change the subject. If they wanna talk about it, they’ll be honest. The times where I want to actually talk about dad, I’ll usually confirm with a “going to the cemetery to check on him.”
And yeah, I’m still not over it, I’m still grieving and it kinda hurts to talk about it at times. Sometimes, like now, I want to talk about it. I was 10, it was sudden, and everyone but me in the immediate family knew it could happen at any time. So my child brain blamed the circumstances he went through as the reason for his death, only to find out much later when my mom deemed I was ready to know just how weak his heart was, and then I felt betrayed, because why didn’t you tell me that sooner? And thus the grief was revived in a different form and just…I’m never going to be fully done grieving, I feel. Thinking hard, I can sometimes appreciate the comments, because it’s nice to remember what little I can manage anymore. But at this time, I’m just bitter at them and they become white noise.
Dr. T
It all depends. It’s been 10 years since my mom committed suicide and earlier this week I was talking on the phone and somehow the topic came up due to a different family issue (one that I am not even peripherally involved in) and I was surprised at the emotions that came out of me when the topic came up. I had to process not just my grief but my guilt for not putting all of the signs together because, in retrospect, my mom did try to tell me just how much she was struggling with.
My dad, despite spending most of my life resenting her for the way she treated him in their short marriage and after their divorce, had basically let it all go with her death and expressed his own guilt over not understanding some of the things she tried to tell him nearly 50 years ago, which were things that she obviously continued to struggle with for the next 37 years until her demons got to her.
So, it happens sometimes.
March
Yeah, I was never a fan either. I know people mean well, but it’s just exhausting. Frankly, I just sort of nod and smile, while desperately thinking of a subject change. Anything to not have to go through that script for the fifteenth million time.
Regalli
There’s people I can handle it from genuinely, and times I’m up for it, but in the immediate aftermath you also get it from EVERYONE, and that’s when it blurs out. Yes, I’m very sad my (insert relative here) died. We knew it was coming for a while now (generally,) and they lived a long life (also generally), but that doesn’t make it easy of course and it’s exhausting. Actually moderately easier doing so via text chats or the like because then there’s not the same expectation of response. (If I have some kind of actual relationship to the person it’s way different than the ‘how did you spend your weekend?’ ‘Well, mostly I was at a funeral’ awkwardness you get from, say, Lyft drivers trying to make smalltalk. Don’t blame ‘em for it, but it’s gonna be awkward!)
Sam
It’s what people do because it is the socially recognised way of expressing empathy that you’re having a hard time whether that be because you’re angry or sad or have complex feelings about it and they’re kind of supposed to be shorthand for longer more complex feelings that they don’t want to spend a lot of time explaining if you are in the middle of grieving and may struggle to focus if everyone went into every feeling they had about it, I feel like.
Like “I’m sorry for your loss” = I wish I could help you suffer less but I cannot bring back the dead and I am sorry I cannot do that for you.
“He was *insert compliment*” = Attempt to bond over shared enjoyment of that trait and times it was displayed/attempt to bond over your shared enjoyment of this person.
“If you ever need anything” = I am willing to help you with tasks or organising or bring food around if you are getting overwhelmed and finding it difficult to think clearly on what needs done.
A bit excessive to still be doing it after years and years but I feel like it gets shortened into quick phrases like this to try to avoid distracting from the feelings of whoever is experiencing a loss, to be sensitive to the fact grieving people may not have a lot of mental energy or the patience to go into every complex feeling that everyone else has about the death, and because it illustrates the key point of what they want to say (I wish I could reduce your pain, I miss X too and fondly remember they because of Y, I am available to assist if you need it).
Leorale
I agree, and also, it’s our handy social phrase for “I care about you.”
Useful when everything we could say is wrong, but saying nothing is even worse.
Diane
All that’s still not going to stop it from becoming white noise. I get that you feel bad, want me to think of nicer things, but it’s stuff that’s said so often, thrown out so frequently, that it loses that meaning. Especially when it comes from people you barely know. If I barely know you, I would much rather hear “Sorry for bringing it up” than ANY of that.
Leorale
That’s fair.
You can help people do it right by telling them clearly that this is what you prefer them to say.
Diane
Why bother? I’m not going to see them again. They’re not going to say this type of stuff to me again. And as previously mentioned, I’m not the only person, but other people really DO appreciate it. I’d rather treat it like the white noise it is. I feel I’m doing better to help by telling people in a discussion than treat it for each one-on-one case.
MK15
I like how Becky’s trying to relate to Amber with the Batman comment. Given her sheltered upbringing do we think she knows Batman is the Batman or losing parents? 🙂
C.T Phipps
I think Amber is upset SHE’S not the Batman of losing her parents.
tim gueguen
It’s always seemed that Becky probably had scattered contacts with secular pop culture. And Batman is a big enough pop culture figure that she may have picked up the basics even if she had little or no contact with the source material.
C.T Phipps
My nieces were basically raised by Carol (and are so happy to visit us for weeks without her). Their pop culture is weirdly determinent. They all know the MCU and Batman but have no idea what a Harry Potter is.